Broke Straight Guys
by YamiTenshi
Summary: Rent is due within days. All his other resources have been exhausted. And his girlfriend just broke up with him. Naruto Uzumaki finds himself stepping into a world that he could never have imagined in his wildest dreams for the sake of rent. NaruGaa
1. Broke Straight Guys

Broke Straight Guys

…I've seen a lot of things in my relatively short time of life. This is definitely one of the odder ones. You couldn't make this shit up if you tried. This is _really_ a _real_ website. You can see some clips from it on Xtube if you're like me and don't want to pay the membership fee.

0o0

The bell hanging from the door jingled as another young man entered the building where so many like him had discovered a new side of themselves for the sake of money. Naruto stood outside the aforementioned structure, glancing at the mustard-stained napkin his roommate had scrawled upon in his usual blue ink to ensure he had the correct location. This was definitely it. 317 Shippuden Street on the seedier side of Konoha. This was where hard-luck women smoked on the street corners, trying to look lonely so a guy with cash to spare would consider picking up her flashily garbed form. This was where a major gang war had just exploded into a bedlam of guns and blades just last week before the police started rounding them up like cattle. This was where if you looked at someone the wrong way, you got stabbed. This was where a child pornography ring had been broken up last month. Clearly the street and its inhabitants needed to take some biblical values to heart.

Every part of his moral fiber screamed that he should turn away, find another way to get the money in time, but he knew that he couldn't do it unless he sold every piece of property that he owned right down to the clothes on his back and that would only be able to cut his debt infinitesimally. What he intended to do, just so that he could keep his apartment, it was unthinkable. He couldn't, he shouldn't—but he must.

Solemn duty originating from his will to survive in the world, he acknowledged the fact that there was no sense in dallying further, seeing as his future housing situation depended on this. Upon entrance, he was ushered to a room to conduct an interview to assess whether or not he was suited for the position he sought. There was nothing comforting about the area, in fact it rather looked like a police interrogation chamber and that set his already strung nerves on edge. His roommate had assured him that while they were in an undesirable area, they were about to move, so he _really _shouldn't worry about the quality of the people who he'd be working with. He crossed his hands on the table and looked dead at the person sitting across from him. For a moment, he wished he had a breath mint. One couldn't start an interview with halitosis.

"So, let's start with the basics," The interviewer said, directing the video camera towards him. The red eye glared at him, prodding him into spilling his personal information as it calmly recorded.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I'm twenty-four, and um…" He was suddenly at a loss for words. What was one supposed to say in such a situation?

"Tell us why you're here," the man prompted, the camera zooming in slightly.

"For starters, my roommate spent our rent money so he could buy a PS3 and we're going to get evicted in two days if we can't come up with the money quick. Then, one girl I've been dating for nine years dumped me for her best friend." Figuring he should clarify, Naruto added, "Her best _girl_ friend."

"Harsh." the cameraman nodded sympathetically, knowing the pain of heartbreak had sent many a man into a downward spiral that wrecked them here to begin their recovery.

"I mean, I thought we had something, you know? Then she says she's been seeing Ino—her friend—behind my back for three years! And to top it all off, she told me this on my birthday! It's just not fair!" Naruto felt tears prickling in the corners of his eyes at the thought of how brutally he'd been dumped.

"Would you like a tissue?"

"Yes, please."

After a few moments during which the interviewers comforted the upset blonde, the questions resumed and got more personal. Extremely personal.

"Now, it's very important that you answer the following questions truthfully because we don't want any of our people getting sick, okay?"

Naruto wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "Okay."

"Do you have any STDs at all, including HIV?"

He should've expected these sorts of questions, but he wasn't going to freak out about them. "No."

"When was the last time you had sex?"

Naruto hated having to admit this because he found it shameful that he still was having issues getting over Sakura. All his guy friends teased him for not having found another woman by now. "A few months ago."

"You're so damn deprived…" the interviewer reached across the table and sympathetically patted the blonde on the arm. No man should have to go three days without getting laid. "So, you ever work in the porn business before?"

"I'd thought about it once or twice before, but Sakura would've killed me if I had."

The interviewer chuckled, knowing that women weren't quite fond of porn; they thought that they were all their boyfriends needed. "Yeah, significant others don't always like the thought of you running around banging people for the world to see. That's why I asked mine to join me, but we're getting off track—you mentioned that you were recommended here, right? Can I ask by who? I know almost everyone who works here, so…"

"It was actually my roommate, y'know, the one who spent the rent on a PS3 that he won't even let me play because he's a total douchebag. His name is Uchiha Sasuke. Familiar with him?"

"Yes! He's scheduled to come in later for a gig. We work with him a lot." Sasuke was one of the most common requests when they asked their viewers who they wanted to see and with good reason, the brunette could deliver the goods like no one else. "But anyway, the base starts at three hundred, but if you're _real_ good, we'll pay up to two thousand in cash."

Naruto flashed a toothy grin when he heard the numbers. Paying off his rent would be easier than he could have ever thought. "Then I suppose I'll just have to do my best, now won't I?"

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto kind of liked the room they assigned him to. It had a homey, well-used feeling to it without it being slutty. The covers on the queen sized bed were animal print and he couldn't help but smile at the mild aura of cheesiness it gave off. He wondered when the last time the sheets had been washed and if they were still dirty from a previous user. Flailing around in another man's cum wasn't his idea of a good porno. On the table beside the bed there was a bronze sculpture of a peacock and a nude woman that held a twenty-five watt bulb in a sort of a lamp that was currently turned off. He wondered if he could get one for himself for… Artistic-decorative purposes… Not at all for something dirty… There was another man sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, slender and pale with vivid red hair like a fiery sunrise.

'_Must be doing a three-way... I would've liked two girls if I'd known that this was the way it was going to be, but I guess I can't complain. As long as our dicks don't touch, it'll be fine.'_

Figuring being rude would get him nowhere, he sat on the bed next to the man and smiled. "My name's Naruto, it's nice to meet you."

"I'm Gaara…"

Naruto couldn't help but notice that this Gaara fellow had such pretty green eyes… They reminded him of Sakura's. And his skin was silky looking, just like hers as well. "Quiet guy, eh? I'm guessing you don't do a lot of porn work, am I right?"

"I've never had sex before…" The redhead says softly, casting his jade eyes to the floor.

"Still got the v-card? Well, this is a terrible way to lose it, thought it's probably better than my pathetic story. Lost it in the backseat of my ex-girlfriend's dad's Maserati." Gaara merely grunted to acknowledge he was listening. "Speaking of women, how long will it take until ours gets in here? I have work in a couple of hours."

Gaara's pretty eyes turned sad and out of habit, Naruto wanted the comfort the owner until he realized they belonged to someone other than his former beloved. Gaara wrung his hands on his lap. "They must not have told you."

"Told me what?"

'_**We're really sorry, we thought you already knew, what with the recommendation and all.'**_

Naruto looked in each direction when the unknown voice spoke. "Where's that coming from?"

'_**We're shooting from behind the mirror, it's like what they have at the police stations.'**_

The whole situation was becoming rather dodgy. He wanted answers _now._ "Would someone kindly explain what the hell is going on?"

There was a heavy sigh from the other side of the glass. Usually their actors were debriefed on the workings of their lovely organization before they started getting in the mood. _**'What we do here is invite straight, down-on-their-luck boys like you and have them sleep with either gay men or other straight guys. The results are self-explanatory; the people love it. Our subscriptions are at an all-time high. We used to do just regular gay porn, but ever since we created the 'Broke Straight Guys' site, we've been getting more hits than ever.'**_

Naruto twitched. That was the most fucked up thing he'd ever heard of. "What kind of twisted—"

'_**You can end the session now, but I'm afraid we can't pay you anything.'**_

Their previous statement rang through Naruto's head. Paying straight men to sleep with…? "Gaara, are you straight or—"

"I am gay," Gaara said firmly, taking pride in this one small thing.

It'd taken him a series of heartbreaks to achieve knowledge of the complex inner workings of his heart, but when he'd come to that simple realization, it was one of the greatest days of his life. Not 'jump up and click your heels' great, but definitely in the same league. The trouble was finding a good guy that he wanted to be with. Dating had been hellish his entire life, even after he'd graduated from primary school. The last girlfriend he'd had was a lovely young lady by the name of Matsuri who was now just a friend and had taken the dumping gracefully (even if it'd happened in a theater halfway through a movie) and his last boyfriend was a not so lovely gentleman known as Sai, whom he'd had to place multiple restraining orders upon because he didn't know when to quit. Nothing quite like trying to find a bottle of shampoo during a shower and instead discovering your peeping-tom of an ex standing outside the window whispering 'Sai and Gaara together forever' until police action was required! Because you know, stalking is the _new_ way to say 'I love you'.

Most of his dating woes could be attributed to his disdain of excessively forward men which made him realize that it's really not a good idea to search for a lifelong relationship in a club. All the people there want to do is fuck, take a shower, then leave you crying into your pillow because you're unfulfilled and they were terrible in bed.

Meanwhile, Naruto was having severe difficulties understanding _why_ anyone would want to do this. "So you want me to—with him and—fuck a guy—are you all crazy?"

'_**We completely understand that you're scared, Naruto. A lot of men who aren't secure in their sexuality usually run away from our projects because they're afraid that they'll like it. It's rare that we have anyone strong enough to troop on and do what they came here to do. And we had high expectations for you too…'**_

The crew knew that the impulsive Naruto had enough pride for them to be able to pull this off without reminding him about the money at stake, which was what they usually had to resort to in order to get the men to buckle and break down into accepting their fate. Reverse psychology was a truly wonderful thing. It's a horrible technique to wield against simple-minded folk, but fantastic for everyone else who needed to get anything done ever. And as they thought, he bought it hook, line, and sinker.

"You want to play it like that? Fine, I accept your challenge!" He literally tackled the off-guard Gaara flat to the bed and began grinding against him with the savageness of a feral wolf in heat.

Maybe he had played into their hands a little too well… _**'Easy there, killer! No need to go overboard. Clear your head and start over.'**_

"We…" Gaara couldn't look his partner-to-be in the eyes as he walked towards the one-way mirror. The abrupt aggressive display had thrown him off-guard. He hoped Naruto wouldn't be like any of the other men. "We should get undressed."

"That would make things—are you okay? You're shivering." Naruto naturally had something inside of his soul that made him want to take care of people, no matter who they were or what they did in their spare time. Even if he was being forced into sleeping with his guy, that didn't make him worry about the redhead any less. Especially since he reminded him of Sakura.

"Will it hurt?" His voice was small and shook with hesitation.

Naruto hadn't even been sure who'd be giving and receiving yet, but Gaara seemed to have already submitted himself to being the bottom. Gently he let his fingers rest on the redhead's cheek. The flesh was even softer than Sakura's and easily thrice as smooth. Gaara blinked once, twice, looking up into the warm azure eyes of the blonde as he felt a callused thumb stroke his cheek. He wondered what Naruto did for a living. It was obviously a job involving physical labor. Heat filled his cheeks to match the temperature of the hands and he pretended to find the wall interesting, letting Naruto keep contact with him. To have these hands all over his body would be heaven…

"Trust me, I hate being in pain as much as any other sane person does, but I promise that we're in this together and we'll finish what we started when we were interviewed."

The film crew turned off their microphone to croon. They rarely saw such sweet displays and knew that they'd without a doubt keep that in the final cut. Naruto really was something special. They'd have to send Sasuke a fruit basket to thank him for directing the man their way. A guy working the soundboard announced that he would snap the blonde up if things went positively, only to be challenged by an intern who seriously risked his job for speaking out of turn.

Gaara found comfort in the words and shed his shirt. The room's temperature was just at the right temperature to make his nipples bud and he folded his arms over his chest for the sake of decency. The irony would strike him later. Ears burning cherry-red, he kept his gaze away from Naruto until his curiosity bested him. Naruto had followed suit in the removal of his upper clothing layer and he could feel Gaara's eyes scanning his muscled torso inquisitively. Slightly uncomfortable that he was being checked out by a man (not to say that it hadn't happened before, he'd gotten whistled at by guys while he worked several times, but it felt horribly awkward on every occasion), Naruto fidgeted and fiddled with the skull-and-crossbones belt he wore as Gaara devoured the visual feast he'd become privy to.

This man obviously took the suggested amount of daily exercise as more than that, a fitness creed that had sculpted him into a fine piece of flesh. He wasn't a muscle-bound gym monkey like others who had hit on Gaara in the bars but there was enough tone to be sexy in his inexperienced eyes. Had he bothered to ask he would've learned that Naruto worked in construction and had to drag around heavy shit all the time, thus an automatic workout every day that turned him into the creature of beauty he was now. (He also had taken up an evening job when he found out Sasuke had wasted their cash, but that was another matter completely.) Anatomy had been Gaara's best subject in school, but right now he couldn't think seriously enough to label the pieces of the human puzzle properly and could only think in layman's terms. Those tight abs, those broad shoulders, that powerful neck that held his life vein… Gaara wanted so badly to touch him, restraining himself for fear of the godly illusion disappearing under his fingertips. He must be dreaming. He prayed he would never wake up.

Gaara felt his mouth water and twinges of lust sent his groin astir. Wilderness became Naruto and the virgin's mind drifted towards nature documentaries he'd seen before of free-range horses. Stallions galloped over the plains nobly as they fled from the creature that no beast had ever managed to defeat... The perfect animal for Naruto. But he had to descend—actually, it was more of a crash—back to reality when he realized that his stallion was clearly uncomfortable with his 'oh-sweet-god-please-take-me-now-you're-so-fucking-hot-I-want-to-bake-cookies-on-you' stare.

The crew thought it fitting to give them a push in the right direction. _**'Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, boys. Pining silently doesn't make things happen. That stuff from 'The Secret' is bullshit, the law of attraction doesn't work that way so remember to **__**verbalize!**__**'**_

Gaara rested his hands softly on the skull belt buckle and he could feel Naruto break into a cold sweat from being touched so intimately by another man. "May I?"

"Sure, I guess…" Naruto looked away as the slender fingers tightened their grip.

The belt, being more of an accessory than a necessity to keep his pants up, came undone easily and Gaara unbuttoned and unzipped the jeans that fit so snugly on Naruto's waist. "Sorry if this is awkward…"

"It's okay… Um…" Oh god, that look... When it came from a woman, he didn't mind and when it came from Sakura, he thought it was great. Those pretty green eyes shone with a determination to be devoted to him during this session. He was between wanting to hold him (he really did look quite a bit like Sakura) and to run screaming out of the building.

Jitterier than a cat on a hot tin roof from the prolonged contact, Naruto was relieved when Gaara let him take off his own jeans to avoid the discomfort of a straight man being undressed by a gay one. When he'd removed the pants, he noticed that Gaara had done the same and now they stood facing one another, wearing nothing but underwear and socks. Gaara wore navy blue briefs (they were comfortable) and Naruto had boxers with a bear eating honey printed over his bum with the phrase 'Sweet Cheeks' next to the image. The crew hurriedly clicked the microphone off again so they could burst into laughter over Naruto's interesting choice in undergarments.

"Make sure to get a close-up shot of that, the viewers will love it!"

Outside the recording room, the two were at a stifling stalemate. The situation was reminiscent of a battle when only the last two warriors remained, neither one wanting to fight because they were too tired either physically or psychologically. Finally, Naruto slips off his socks, wriggles his toes, and drops his boxers. Gaara is caught in the talon-like clutches of awe once more. Every single strand of muscle fiber joined together to make a work of art that was his to view. How many others had seen what he did now?

'_**We see you're still not quite enthused about this situation.'**_

"Well excuse me for not getting turned on by a guy," Naruto replied sourly, fighting the urge to cover his limp manhood with anything and sending a brief scowl in the direction of the mirror wall as punishment for the unnecessary comment. He figured Gaara must be fed up with them too. "Should we—I'll wait until you're finished with that."

'That' referred to the way Gaara was hopping around as he tried to remove his own socks. Shame turned his entire body pink with blush and he honestly wished he'd worn sandals today. Though he was sure Naruto would laugh at him, the blonde exerted an amazing amount of patience for him. After a very unsexy fall, he managed to peel them off and realized that maybe the stereotype that men would rather have sex with their socks on had more weight to it than he thought.

Once he resumed surveying Naruto like a hungry beast, he had a feeling that he was expected to make the first move and tried to think what would be appropriate. They _were_ supposed to be filming porn, after all. Trembling as he stood before the stallion, he rested his hand on the burnished chest and felt it tighten briefly in anxiety. That was okay. He understood. He kissed Naruto beneath the chin, knowing that a go at his lips would likely get him flung across the room, and began trailing down his body. Momentarily he stopped at a nipple to nip at it gently like he'd seen done before, sliding lower still until he reached a patch of golden curls and was nearly on his knees. He could still walk out on this if he wanted.

He dropped to his knees fully and looked at the flaccid cock staring him in the face, wondering how to start.

"Just act naturally, all it is is some licking and sucking," Naruto said assuringly, even going so far as to pat Gaara on the head like a child. He remembered when he'd taught Sakura how to suck dick before she…

In a strange way, this scenario was giving him a case of nostalgic fuzzies. The nostalgia was soon replaced by something else as Gaara took the organ in his hands like it was the Holy Grail and kissed the tip, flicking his tongue over the glans as he did so. His thin lips parted sensually over the head and suckled at it, caressing the bulbous piece lovingly with his tongue. Good god almighty, he was a natural.

Regardless of gender, this felt good, so he wasn't about to complain. Now slowly hardening, Naruto sighed contentedly as Gaara licked up, down, and all around his shaft while doing some extraordinarily interesting things with his balls. Once he glanced down and caught Gaara sneaking a hopeful peek at him, eyes wondering if his work was satisfactory. He responded with a warm smile that cemented the deal and made Gaara happy that he was going to give it up to this person, despite him being practically a stranger.

"I think this'll be good enough for a fuck, don't you?" Naruto figured himself sufficiently hard enough to follow through with this crazy ordeal so he could procure his rent money once and for all.

Figuring that they had one more shot to entice the blonde, the crew called, _**'Hey Gaara, would you mind showing us your ass?'**_

The redhead turned his tail to the mirror wall and slid down his painfully tight briefs slightly to reveal his round, pale bum. "Like this?"

'_**Perfect! Check out that virgin ass, boys. We're going to capture what I think will be a beautiful bang! Hey Naruto, spank it!'**_ Lost in the energy much like one at a frat boy party, he smacked Gaara's rump merrily, watching the red handprint emerge, then fade. _**'We'll leave you two alone now, so try not to disappoint us, okay?"**_

Neither of them paid any mind to this comment.

"Where do you think they keep the lube in this place? I just can't slap it, spit on it, and fuck you. It's not enough." Naruto had learned this the hard way with Sakura. He'd done anal with her a few times, but she hated it with a passion and literally told him she'd rather fuck a dog than do it doggy style with him again and so it was no longer something that had been brought up in the bedroom.

"Check the nightstand," Gaara suggested, removing the briefs completely.

Sure enough, there was the ultimate tool for the dirty deeds soon to follow locate in its drawer next to a bible. He pumped himself a couple of times before applying it to his manhood, hoping that a little self-love would get him through this. It reminded him of something that one of his weird Greek teachers had said to his English class in high school. To become a real man, you had to sleep with another man, a goat, and—well, he could never remember what the third thing was because the class had gone into an uproar and drowned it out. Looking back on it, that probably explained why the teacher always smelled like goats.

If that was true, then he was a bit leery about taking the first step towards 'true' manhood. Gaara was sweet and all, but it didn't erase the fact that _he was a freakin' dude._ He had a penis and a y chromosome. Testosterone filled his veins like cars on a rush hour highway. No matter how much he looked like Sakura, no matter how much he blushed, no matter how pretty those green eyes were when they sparkled at him so lustfully as his sumptuous lips parted to kiss him all over his body—bad thoughts! Very, very bad thoughts! He pinched his arm to awaken himself from his dark imaginings and calmly reminded himself that Gaara was a _guy_, albeit an extremely attractive one who gave amazing head. Yes. He was very, very pretty. And his pale skin turned pink when he was being bashful and he touched his lips when he was nervous and squirmed when he was turned on but wasn't sure if it was okay to be and had a willowy figure that was more masculine than feminine but there was enough discrepancy between the types that if he was in a dark room at a whorehouse at midnight he would _totally_ fuck him because he thought he was just a flat girl and he would probably be a screamer because that's what they say about quiet folk and—Oh for god's sake, this was ridiculous! Gaara was a _man!_ That's M-to the A-to the mother fucking N! And Naruto, for your information, knew he was straight to the umpteenth power! He was so straight that he put meter-sticks to shame! He liked boobies!

"Here, you better prepare yourself." Naruto hoped he hadn't said it coldly, but he needed to get these horrendous thoughts out of his mind.

He tossed the bottle in the general location where he thought Gaara to be in, averting his eyes because he knew he'd lose his nerve if he saw the other man nude. All he saw of the redhead was an ankle. A nice, tight ankle. And you know that they said that tight ankles meant that the person was tight in _other _places—

'_Jesus H Christ, what's wrong with me today? I love boobies, I really do! Men aren't soft like girls and they don't smell as nice as them either!'_

Never mind that Gaara was as soft as a girl. Never mind that he smelled like an alpine forest. That was just a one in a million fluke. He wished he was just the teensiest bit tipsy so he could get through this. Though he was a hundred percent sure that he was straight, he knew that what the man said through the speaker box at the beginning was correct. He was afraid that he'd like this—he didn't even dare think of calling it what it was.

"I'm ready if you are," Gaara's soft tenor voice said and Naruto took a deep breath and made his way to the bed.

Gaara's cock was alarmingly stiff, engorged to the point of bursting and Naruto couldn't help but notice. "You really like me, huh?"

_Blush, squirm, squirm…_"Yeah, I guess so…"

This was an understatement in the grossest sense. Gaara had been called in six times before this to do a session, but he ran away from every single one of them because the men's overpowering presence discomforted him to a point of fright. The first man was a gorilla of a beast with a finely trimmed carpet on his chest and enough facial hair to make several toupees and then several more toupees for the original toupees to wear. The second had a rape-fantasy that he failed to mention and ended up in the hospital after Gaara retaliated violently for being jumped. The third explained his fascination with water-sports in disturbing depth and seemed surprised when Gaara sprinted out the door after an attempted golden shower. The fourth actually walked out on Gaara once he realized that his penis was smaller than that of his virgin partner's and felt offended that someone who was seasoned with experience couldn't compare to Gaara's completely normal six and a half inches. The fifth got arrested when he brandished a Swiss army knife and began cutting Gaara. The sixth had high blood pressure and with one look at Gaara he passed out, making him the second intended partner of his who got put in the hospital. Gaara was known around the office as Nike, not for the shoe, but rather the ancient goddess of runners due to his unfortunate fleeing tendency.

Now, they wouldn't be able to call him that because he'd reached his lucky number seven. He'd liked him the minute he'd walked in and greeted him so warmly. The kindness he'd received continually astonished him, he being a wallflower sort who often went unnoticed. Naruto entranced him and he would gladly give himself over to the straight man wholeheartedly.

Naruto wasn't about to bother with foreplay, there was no time for that. He sat on his heels between Gaara's legs, keeping his eyes safely above waist level. This was for his rent!

"Lay back and try to relax. This'll be a little uncomfortable." He muttered something about not believing where he was about to stick his dick. "I'm sorry about having you to suck me earlier so I could... You know…"

"I don't mind. It doesn't matter to me as long as it's you I'm sucking." Gaara surprised himself thoroughly with that comment and this continued when he rubbed his palm against the flat stomach of the blonde, smiling slightly. "So well built… You must work out a lot."

"Um…" Hearing this shocked him. No one had ever said something like that to him before, not even Sakura, whom he practically had to fight tooth and nail to persuade into fellating him and whose compliments were more along the lines of 'you're a semi-decent human being' rather than those relating to his physical appearance. It was strangely flattering. "Thanks? I, um, have a very physical job… Um… I think we should start with the sex stuff now?"

"I'll leave myself in your capable hands," Gaara said, taking the submissive position and closing his eyes, looking completely at rest.

"Following the standards of porn, I'm supposed to use some dirty line on you now, but I can't think of anything that wouldn't make me come off as really, really gay… So, yeah…"

Naruto slipped his hands under Gaara's rear and parted the cheeks briefly to allow himself to slide inside. The ankles had not lied. Had his first time with Sakura been like this as well? He couldn't remember. All he knew now was how Gaara's face contorted slightly at the intrusion and how those pretty green eyes hazed over when he was suspended between a waiting period and pleasure soon to come. Such lovely eyes…

Gaara felt full of a person that at this moment in time he loved to a point of disturbance. To keep this feeling, he thought that it was possible to become like Sai, a shadow that would follow this person to the ends of the earth and beyond. He wanted to dog Naruto's heels until he realized Gaara was _his_ somebody (and vice versa) for ever and all time thereafter to love faithfully. All he could think right now was, _'Tell me you're that somebody…'_

Naruto set a slow, easy rhythm to get himself started, trying to ignore the fact that there was an erection pressing eagerly against his stomach. Gaara matched his breathing to the strokes and the moment was Zen-like. But porn wasn't about that, the viewers wanted a gratifying fuck, so Naruto knew he'd have to deliver. His hips began snapping forward in staccato bursts and if Gaara had wanted to open his eyes, there was no way he could do it now. Instead, his arms snaked around the warm neck he'd admired earlier to pull him closer, deeper, moaning out his delights. This was the moment he'd been waiting for since puberty. His first time. He'd gotten _this _close to doing it with Sai, but he was glad he'd held out for today.

"A little harder… Yeah…" Gaara didn't know if it was really okay to say what he wanted, but it was all for the sake of experience. It took all of his mental strength to refrain from screaming and he tried to regulate his breathing in fast, heavy pants that were inevitably interrupted by more sounds of bliss.

Loathe saying it as he will, Naruto couldn't help but find the noises arousing and his uncertain manhood solidified itself inside Gaara as he fulfilled the redhead's wishes. But he was still straight. Totally straight. Yes sirree bob, he was like a line of cocaine.

Good camera fodder as it may be, Naruto knew the show wouldn't really start until he found the g-spot and began delivering the truest pleasure and that the size of his payoff depended on it. Gaara, of course, was thinking nothing of these technicalities and was solely focused on the moment when his virginity would dissolve in a wash of semen. And then the magical thing happened as Naruto found the pleasure center. Gaara's control snapped, letting loose a shriek that pierced the high heavens and Naruto dedicated himself to keeping the angle, the peculiar passion blinding him to the fact that Gaara had neither breasts nor vulva and made his first vocalization, a low grunt that ran into another until they both were making a steady stream of noise including the creaks from the bed, the rustling of the sheets, and the slight fleshy slap of Naruto's balls smacking against Gaara's entrance.

Sex with Sakura had never been like this. She merely sat back and took it like a blow-up doll made of flesh and blood. Gaara was a scientific law at its finest. Each action got a reaction and they were all equally glorious. Before he realized it, Naruto found himself teetering on the edge of his climax. He nailed the abused prostate one more time and spilled his seed into Gaara. When he pulled out Gaara was sweating, but still hard. He was fantastically resilient for a virgin. They exchanged a 'what now?' look. Naruto knew he had to get Gaara off to get paid, so he needed a game plan.

Turns out that he didn't need one because Gaara got up on his haunches, taking his erect cock and rubbing it against the softening one that had just spent itself, pushing his hips insistently to gain friction. "Please, touch me…"

Naruto looked away at the provocative pose. He was no longer blind to Gaara's masculinity. Fight or flight instincts told him to go with the latter, but sense overruled them and he said, "Just so you know, I'm not putting my mouth on shit."

"I didn't mean that."

Naruto's hand went down tentatively, like he expected the flesh to burn him. When it didn't, he closed his eyes and pretended that he wasn't holding another man's dick with his own. Gaara accepted this and relinquished himself to the pleasure of the cock and the hand his manhood was caught between. It wasn't long before he came, spurting the thick liquid and dribbling it on Naruto's hand when the tiny spasms lacked the energy to propel it further. Knowing that the last thing Naruto wanted was to be covered in sperm, he lowered his mouth to the spots where it landed and licked it off, sampling himself like a connoisseur. There was an innate bitterness to it, but it wasn't repulsive enough to make him change his mind. So he licked away like it was something he did on a regular basis. This entranced Naruto beyond logical explanation. Sakura had hated the taste of cum. Yet the person who looked just a little like her had no trouble lapping it up. This definitely had his full attention.

Taking advantage of this and using a boldness he didn't realize he had, Gaara slipped his hand between his milky thighs, pausing momentarily as he gazed coolly at Naruto, then retracted the appendage. The slim index finger was covered in Naruto's semen and Naruto watched as Gaara raised it to his lips and sucked it away, sliding the finger in and out of his mouth slowly, driving Naruto wild for reasons unknown to his addled brain. The sight was sexy to say the least. Too sexy. Damn this whole afternoon…

Imagine Gaara's surprise when he saw blood flowing back into Naruto's manhood and swelling to mast. A hand clamped down on his wrist and tugged him forward as Naruto fell backwards onto the sheets once more. When he tried to wriggle away from the blonde, he was held captive by the ice blue stare and was put into a trance like a mouse before a snake. The powerful golden hands lifted Gaara by the waist and situated him snugly on his fresh erection.

"What're you—Ah!"

Naruto's hips jerked up, driving his head into Gaara's prostate as the redhead quickly regained his arousal state as well. Gaara steadied himself by placing his hands on the solid chest beneath him, legs going their separate ways as they experienced the wonders of the Amazon. Naruto no longer gave a damn about gender in this sole moment when the beautiful being above him said his name over and over again like it was a charm to save him from all the world's woes. Naruto, Naruto, Naruto was the only word that passed those pale lips and he knew the devotion he'd seen in those pretty green eyes at the beginning was true.

This session was significantly shorter than the first, but the crew still cheered when Naruto came, again followed by Gaara, whose cock indiscriminately spilled its load on the blonde's upper body. He quickly took care of his product the same way he had the first time, cleaning it from Naruto's neck and cheeks with his tongue because he knew the blonde liked it. There was one spot left, on Naruto's plump lips and Gaara lapped it up carefully, searching for signs of hostility that would put him in the hospital. When he found none, he ended with a tender kiss to show his appreciation for having been given the gift of this experience. It was one-sided; Naruto didn't accept or reject it, simply allowed it to happen because he was too tired to do anything else. Gaara demounted and laid beside his stallion, his special somebody for this one encounter, chest rising and falling after the successful denouement of their conjoined labor.

A moment of silence passes before Naruto speaks again. "Do you want to get a coffee sometime?"

"Sure." Thinking it would be too forward to touch the blonde who was probably extremely busy questioning his sexuality, Gaara said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome?" He had no idea what he was being thanked for, but sincere gratitude was an endangered life form in his simple world and he ushered it in as best he could.

"Well, Mister Uzumaki, I would like to thank you for an excellent show. Here's your reward!" The man who'd interviewed him gave him a manila envelope filled with bills whose numbers were currently unknown to the construction worker.

He intended to count them later. The two first things he'd do with this money were very clear in his mind and he knew they wouldn't change. First and foremost, he'd pay off his rent so the landlady would stop hanging the threat of eviction over his head. And second, he was going to buy a cup of coffee for the man beside him with the pretty green eyes.

0o0

And here we end… I've been racking up the one-shots lately…

Chi: What's the point of them? Why not work on your regular stories like you're supposed to and stop making the readers threaten to lock you in a basement if you don't update soon?

Tenshi: How do you think daREALShikamaru got famous(ish?) in the NaruGaa world?

Chi: Smutty one-shots.

Tenshi: Exactly! Or at least, that's what _she_ says when I asked her during my beta work for her… Some of the greatest NaruGaa writers are known for their one-shots!

Chi: Oh really?

Tenshi: Unless you're Dreaming-of-a-Nightmare who had amazing success with Detrimental Benefits, cneko2 with her Family of Demons series that is kinda pretty legendary among the people who've been writing this pairing for a while and that she recently took up again, or Yellow kiwi with the also legendary, indispensable GaaNaru (yes, it stands out partially because there's more NaruGaa fics overall) To Adore the Hellish and its sequel To Admire the Sinful, which by the way has OVER SIX HUNDRED COMMENTS. That is some serious fucking charisma! And especially so because it's not like the NaruGaa pairing has fans flying out the ass like SasuNaru does! That is like every single NaruGaaNaru fan in the English sector commenting on every chapter! *fans self to prevent over-heating*

Chi: Are you finished?

Tenshi: Almost. But anyway, make sure to give your love to the newer kids. I've been doing this shit for four years now and it kills me when I see great fics that only have forty-three comments on them by the time they're over. I suggest Boyue with her wonderful fic Catalyst (Where'd she go, nobody knows… I haven't seen her post anything since the end of it…), with pretty much everything of hers (she's got several top-shelf fics out now), and Gaaras-Gothic-Ninja-Sappy-Sue has been with us for the last year(ish) and if you are going to read at least _one_ thing by her just to say that you did, I would suggest Adulterium. (P.S. Don't overlook Hunger by mm-chan, that fic doesn't get nearly half of the love it deserves and it's another one of the few great GaaNaru fics in which Gaara totally isn't out of character and overly angsty.) Trust me, these people will _move_ you! Or something… I think I actually contradicted myself somewhere in there with the whole 'legends of NaruGaaNaru with their one-shots'…

That's all I have to say for now. If you bothered to read this rant, then thank you for your patience. If you were mentioned in this rant, that means you have officially gotten the Tenshi bump. May you have long success and many comments to come. And not a lot of phantom favers who don't bother to tell you why they like your story in the first place.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	2. Hot Coffee

Broke Straight Guys

Okay. So… I got requests to do another chapter of this. A lot of them. Like, I've gotten a couple requests to do another chapter for other one-shots, but I've never actually considered it except with this one. And I love my readers, so I couldn't refuse them this tiny boon because I really do listen. Enjoy.

0o0

Hot Coffee

0o0

The coffee shop was a nice one, located somewhere near the heart of uptown Konoha. It had a spacious layout, likely attributed to the fact that all the action happened behind one small counter, the line that gathered in front of it rarely fluctuating from a five person average. It was an establishment of sleeper renown, where delightful drinks could be served to those who knew how to find it and a kinship had been established between regulars. Newcomers, often acquired during the rush hours of morning business, were treated pleasantly and soon became repeat customers privy to special events, like the Wednesday night poetry readings for the artistically inclined and cringe-inducing Karaoke Saturdays that were mostly populated by drunks trying to get past their impending hangovers. The staff, all of whom were wearing matching brown aprons with a steaming white coffee cup stitched directly over their clavicle seemed to have no problem with the semi-constant workload. The air was alive with rich coffee scents that one who was accustomed to instant coffee could scarcely believe, the freshly ground beans a far cry from the pungent powder mix. Around the café were little tables, set up to accommodate one or two people with time to kill, but no more than that. Those who came in groups were expected to put them together. Overall, it was well put-together.

It was here that the construction worker waited for the man who was supposed to join him, checking his watch intermittently. He'd arrived fifteen minutes early, his personal habit of thinking it would be disrespectful to be even a minute late taking complete charge over him. He adjusted his collar nervously, feeling out of sorts in the dress shirt. He would've liked to wear something more his style, but he didn't want to seem like a total slob. Gay guys were picky about fashion, or so he'd heard. The last thing he needed was to get ripped a new one for choosing comfort over class. In the off chance he changed his mind, he was wearing another shirt underneath it, this one more suitable for his tastes. It never hurt to have a backup plan.

He wondered if his breath was decent. He popped a piece of mint gum in his mouth. How was his hair? He discreetly touched it up in the reflection off a napkin holder. And his personal odor? Glancing about quickly to ensure he was unwatched, he quickly sniffed at his armpit. It wasn't rank, but it could stand to be a bit fresher. Perhaps he should've used some Axe before he went out, but he had strictly saved that for rendezvous with his now ex-girlfriend. It was supposed to drive women wild. (When it came to her, the results were extremely mixed, usually in direct correlation with how much he'd put on that evening where a light spritz had her cuddling up and anything more than that ended up with her ditching him as soon as she was upwind.) Considering that he and Sakura were no longer together, he supposed that there was no point in keeping that rule anymore. He sniffed again. Yeah, definitely could've done with the Axe.

Wait—why was he obsessing about this? This wasn't like a date or anything. He was simply having coffee, like any other normal person does: with a gay guy he barely knew and had slept with for money. Hopefully their meeting wouldn't be as awkward as the setup implied. Otherwise, things could get ugly fast.

What if he brought up the Broke Straight Guys shoot? True, that wasn't something that decent folk would bring up in a civil conversation, but he didn't know enough about the other man to be making assessments of his personality just yet. Then Naruto realized that he had completely overlooked a crucial part of their meeting: the dialogue. What did gay guys talk about? If popular media was to be believed, their lives were built upon a solid foundation of fashion, gossip, and classic movies. And sex with other men. That too. Somehow, he didn't think that a dissection of the latest football drafts were in the cards. Was there any middle ground to be found or would they be stuck on weather for however long this little get-together was supposed to last? Then again, with fashion and gossip, it would be just like talking to a girl. Perhaps he could employ the same strategy he'd always used in that situation—minus the thoughts of how he was going to get the person of interest into the sack, naturally—and he could coast by on smiling and nodding at irregular intervals.

No, that was stupid. Gaara wasn't a girl, no matter how much he looked like Sakura.

But what about if he accidentally touched his hand or brushed his leg against Gaara's? Would he think that he was coming on to him? What if Gaara liked him? What if Gaara thought that this was supposed to be a date that had a 'happy ending'? Oh god—what if Gaara liked him and turned out to be part of the gay mafia or something and got mad when he found out this wasn't a date and then he stabbed him and dragged him back to his secret lair and tied him up and had sex with him and then put his feet in quick-drying cement and dumped him into the nearest river?

Naruto felt himself break out into a nervous sweat. There was no such thing as a gay mafia, right? And if there was, what were the odds of a shy guy like Gaara being in it?

The door to the café opened, a tiny bell signaling that there was a new customer. He walked up to Naruto, who was lost deep in thought.

"Hey…"

"Nobuttsex!" Great. He was already putting his foot in his mouth.

Gaara cocked his eyebrow at him. "What?"

"I, uh, said 'no back tax'. I was considering buying a house. Sometimes I think out loud." Lying was bad, that much he had been told a billion and one times in kindergarten, but in this case the truth wouldn't set him free under any circumstances. He chuckled feebly to try and make up for it.

"…Okay?" Girls complained about the cute guys being gay. Experience taught Gaara that the cute guys he was interested in almost always turned out to be freaks of one sort or another. He had been hoping that Naruto wouldn't be like the rest. His barest hopes were that he got at least a friend out of this. "You look… nice."

"I'm overdressed, aren't I?" Gaara was wearing a white graphic tee and jeans designed solely to accentuate the shape of his legs. He felt like that trained orangutan that Poe wrote about compared to him.

"A little."

"I was afraid of that." He took off the stuffy shirt, revealing a sleeveless orange tee from his high school cross-country days. Orange had been one of the school's colors and he'd had quite a bit of school spirit, so a good deal of his wardrobe still consisted of that particular shade. "Better?"

Gaara gulped and nodded. Heart fluttering at a mile a minute, he wondered if Naruto would catch him in those magnificent arms of his if he happened to swoon. They were toned to a point of unbelievable perfection, the biceps and triceps equal to one another and his forearms were covered in a light dusting of golden hair. He had never really gone for the buff (or even the slightest bit hairy, most of his exes waxed religiously) type before. He also hadn't had much luck with the guys he usually dated, so perhaps this was just what the doctor ordered.

'_Oh fudgemonkies. I should've thought this through more. What am I thinking, taking off my shirt in front of a gay guy? I mean, he only slept with me for the money, but still…'_ Naruto knew that cat with a bowl of cream look anywhere. "Let's go order."

Gaara snapped out of his trance. He couldn't be getting too attached to this straight guy. If there was a god, then he was a sadistic bastard to be tempting him so. "Right."

They approached the counter in unison and the girl working the register perked up at the sight of Gaara. "Hey! It's been forever and a day since the last time I've seen you!"

"I got busy," Gaara gave as way of explanation.

Naruto was smitten. He thought all fag hags were plain, frumpy women, but this girl was insanely cute. Her eyes were a warm chocolate brown that sparkled with life that matched her fit little form—he did mean little, she couldn't be more than five-foot-three—and he weighed his options of making himself look like an idiot trying to get her phone number or taking the risk of asking Gaara for it when they went back to their table and owing him in a major way.

"Hi," he said.

The girl's eyes darted between him and Gaara, sliding into a vulpine smile. "Well, hello there, Mr. Muscles. Is this why you've been 'busy', Gaara?"

"Tenten, this is Naruto Uzumaki and no, it's not. Can I have my regular?"

"Of course, dear. And what does this studly fellow over here want?"

Naruto grinned. He loved having his ego stoked. "How about black coffee and your digits?"

"Well, give me a moment to think about it while I make your order, why don't 'cha?" she teased. "It won't take more than a minute."

Tenten drifted from machine to machine to fulfill the request and Naruto noticed that her hair was pulled into a twisting bun at the back of her head, secured by a pin with a rhinestone-studded butterfly pin. Yum. He heard that girls who wore hair ornaments were good in bed. He didn't know or care about where the correlation came from, but he was in sore need of a love life right now. When she placed their orders before them, she smiled at him again.

"That'll be ten twenty-three."

"Damn, this place is expensive! It's coffee, not gold!" Naruto couldn't refrain from bursting out. A budget was the last thing a girl needed to know about a potential mate.

"I'll pay for it, as thanks for inviting me out like this." Gaara handed over the money before Naruto could protest.

As Tenten scraped the change out of the cash tray, she asked, "So, have you let him in the back door yet, Gaara?"

Naruto didn't miss the implication. "Wait, what?"

"I thought you usually went for the pale, sickly-looking type. I'm glad to see that you're trying something new."

Gaara blushed heavily. He had a feeling this wouldn't be the first or last time this mistake would be made. "This is Naruto, my _straight_ friend."

Tenten peered at him curiously. "You're joking."

"I can have straight friends, can't I? I don't sleep with every man I come across, you know." Gaara huffed and picked up his drink.

"He's not even bi?"

"No, I like boo—women." Naruto was glad he'd caught a nearly disastrous slip of the tongue. Saying boobies in front of a girl he was meeting for the first time was not the correct tactic to make her interested. He'd had to learn that the hard way.

"That's a shame…" Tenten tutted. "I suppose I might as well give you my number." She scribbled it on the back of their receipt and handed it over to them. "Call me."

"I most certainly will." He slipped the number into his pocket.

"So we're still on for Tuesday, right?" she asked Gaara.

"Of course."

"I'll pick you up." She kissed him on the cheek, ignoring the disgruntled customers in the line behind the two men. "Later, whore."

"Bye." He quickly turned away with the intention of retreating back to the safety of his table.

Tenten wouldn't have any of it. "What, too afraid to say it because your cute straight buddy is here?"

"Goodbye, Tenten!" He hustled faster.

"Men... They turn into macho bags of testosterone when their masculinity is challenged." Tenten rolled her eyes at Naruto, shrugging. "Am I right?"

"…Sure?" Always agree with girls. It was the first rule of gender relations.

"Be nice to him, okay?"

"Can I _please_ order?" the woman behind Naruto griped.

"Just give me a few more seconds, ma'am—anyway…" Her warm eyes went sharp. "Gaara's feelings are like delicate little flowers and so help me god, if I hear that you've been stomping on those flowers, I'll show you why I'm the Tri-state Sharp-Shooting Champion."

Naruto laughed nervously and made haste back to the safety of the table. Maybe he should reconsider calling her.

"Did Tenten threaten you?" Gaara asked, all too familiar with the look on Naruto's face. Several of his exes had sported the exact same one.

"Is she really a sharp-shooting champion?"

"And an axe-throwing champion too. I'm surprised she didn't mention it."

Naruto shivered. He would never double-cross a woman like that. Skull integrity was important to him and an axe to the frontal lobe wasn't the best way to maintain it. "Is she… normal when you're not involved?"

"You mean, if you took her on a date." Gaara suppressed the hurt, but he knew he shouldn't have expected Naruto to be interested in him as anything more than a friend in the first place. There were other guys out there. He just had to find the right one.

"Yeah."

"It depends on her mood. Most of the time she's nice, though. She likes sports too. Football and all that." Naruto's eyes brightened upon hearing this and Gaara wanted to do nothing but sulk. Why did straight men have to get so stupid around girls? "And yes, she does like beer and cars."

"Awesome."

She could be the best girlfriend he'd ever had. Not that he'd ever had many. Unless you counted the girls in elementary school. He was a fantastic playboy as a child—a 'playkid', if you will. After he hooked up with Sakura, there weren't really other women in his mind except for the fantasy girls in Playboy and Maxim he would never have outside of his dream life. Tenten was pretty damn good, even if her cleavage could be rated a B- at best, but he didn't mind. He'd always found himself to be an ass-man. Boobs were nice, but anyone could fix those up with a bit of silicone. An ass was about as natural as it got. Either you had it or you didn't.

"…Naruto?"

"Buhwuh?"

"You were starting to space out. And, um… You're drooling a little." Gaara pointed at the wet trail of saliva that was coming out of the corner of the blonde's agape mouth.

The blonde quickly wiped it away. "Sorry. I should be paying attention to you."

"It's fine." He was used to being ignored, passed up by others for someone who was more attractive or sociable. No matter how old he got, he could never get over his shyness towards people he didn't know well.

"So, what'd you get?" Naruto had been too busy staring at the possibly insane but strangely hot cashier to have listened when Gaara ordered. It sat prettily in his cup, covered with whipped cream and flakes of chocolate. "Looks good."

Gaara blushed, that pretty shade of pink that reminded Naruto of Sakura so much, and said, "Hot chocolate. I'm not a big fan of coffee." Lowering his eyes, he added, "You can try it."

"Really? Thanks!" Naruto picked up the cup with his big, work-worn hands and took a sip. He licked a spot of whipped cream off his lip and returned the cup. "It's good."

Gaara took the cup and drank from the same spot Naruto had, permitting himself this one indirect kiss. "This is why I come here."

"I'll have to remember this place for later."

Naruto swallowed a mouthful of fragrant coffee. He had never had coffee that tasted good. Truth be told, he didn't even like coffee that much, he just needed it to wake himself up early to go to work. Caffeine was what he'd searched for, not flavor and he surpassed pre-ground beans to go straight to instant coffee, which was as bitter and flavorless as it got. He had assumed that all coffee was like that. This place had a good shot of changing his opinion.

"So… Construction work, right?"

"Yes indeed." This was a subject he could handle. "Been doing it since I was fifteen. Sometimes I do roads in the colder months provided that the weather holds up and houses when the housing season starts, but if there's no work for either then I take the late shift at a convenience store keeping the crazies out the register. I've only been shot at twice."

Gaara wondered how many worksites he'd walked by in the past without knowing that the blonde could be on them—wait, had he said he'd been shot at _only_ twice? What the hell kind of life did he lead where he could say that so nonchalantly?

"How about you? What does a guy like you do for a living?" Naruto wondered if he had been too offhanded about his statement. What if Gaara thought that he meant 'so what do queers work as other than makeup artists and hairstylists?' He didn't _mean_ it that way, but he supposed that it could come off as that and then Gaara would hate him and call the gay mafia on him and he would be sleeping with the fishes… He didn't want to sleep with fish! Especially not if it was going to be permanent!

Once Gaara thought Naruto had stopped spacing out enough, he said, "I'm finishing up my bachelor's degree, but I work in a restaurant to pay the bills."

"Oh? As what? Server?" Naruto knew from firsthand experience that waiting tables at a restaurant was one of the shittiest jobs in the food service chain of business. He had been a wage slave at an abomination of a restaurant (Denny's, to be exact) for about a month, listening to people who were actually stupid or drunk enough to eat there complain about their food being cold or giving them explosive diarrhea, getting paid minimum wage, and not receiving nearly enough tips to make it an even remotely worthwhile nine-to-five.

"I seat people at their tables and handle reservations."

"A doorman, then." The job seemed to fit the redhead. He wished he could've been a doorman. He still probably would've quit, though.

"My boss calls us doorwhores."

Naruto chuckled. "Sounds like you've got some interesting people you work with."

"Ugh, you don't even know the half of it. My boss is a drunk and she always blames me when the doorwoman doesn't show up—mind you, the girl I share my shift with almost _never_ comes to work because she's either recovering from a hangover or partying or just doing something else entirely and makes up some bullshit lie to explain why she's not there and when she does bother to show up, she'll make mistakes with reservations and give away VIP tables twenty minutes before the guest arrives and _I'm_ left to clean up after her. She needs to get fired." Gaara huffed, stirring his cocoa in anger. "Then we've got the waiters and they're all uppity bastards who like to gloat that they get tips and I don't, plus one of them is a homophobe and I have to deal with that crap every damn day—and did I mention that our sous chef is a convicted felon?"

"You've got to be shitting me."

"Armed robbery and attempted murder."

"No way."

"He had friends in the penal system, so he got a short sentence. I seriously do _not_ feel safe with him in the kitchen."

Naruto laughed aloud joyfully. "You talk a lot more when you're worked up, huh?"

Gaara blushed, having not realized that he'd gone on a tangent. For the most part, it was only his close friends who could get him to open up like that. "Sorry…"

"No, it's alright. I like listening to you." His smile was a ray of sunshine, radiant and calming. "I thought this get-together would be kinda boring because you were so shy when I met you, but I'm glad I decided to come. You're a ton of fun once you get past that introverted shell, aren't you?"

"I wouldn't necessarily say that…" Sure, he'd had his wild moments, but he didn't consider himself to be 'a ton of fun'. When things got too wild, he was often the fun-killer. At least, that's what Tenten and Matsuri always said right after he dragged the wasted girls to his car before they did something they regretted (if they hadn't already).

"You're a cool fellow in my book, Gaara."

"Thank you…" He squeezed his cup out of nervousness and it was then that Naruto noticed how immaculate Gaara's hands were. They were slender and soft-looking, the cuticles neat and nails trimmed. His hands seemed like unkempt bear paws in comparison.

"Your hands are really nice," he marveled. "You're into that whole metrosexual scene?"

"Y-yeah, I am. It makes me feel clean."

"That's cool. I've wanted to do that before, but I felt stupid when I tried it. I guess I'm just not one of those guys." Actually, Sasuke had walked in on him soaking his hands in warm water to soften the cuticles, called him a fag, and he hadn't dared to try again since. Come to think of it, he had yet to confront the brunette about being a gay porn star and how hypocritical he was. He'd have to do that once he got home.

"I have a good lotion you might like if you want to try again. You can borrow it sometime." It gave them a reason to meet again.

"Nah, I kinda like them the way they are," Naruto said, blissfully unaware of how utterly he'd dashed Gaara's hopes. "So you're a student? What are you studying to become?"

It was times like this that he didn't like discussing his school life. His major was far from manly. "Masseuse…"

"Seriously? You gotta give me a massage sometime. My back's usually killing me after work."

The redhead was sent straight to heaven. He had succeeded in not only obtaining permission to ask him out again, but to have him take off his shirt as well! If that wasn't a jackpot, then he didn't know what was. "Yeah, I can do that. Give me a call and we'll work something out."

"How does a Friday evening sound? That's the day I work the hardest so I can get let off early. Not this Friday or next, though, I already have plans."

"Like I said before, call me."

"Then I will."

The rendezvous had been successful.

I0I0I0I0I

Since they were heading in the same direction upon exiting, they walked together without talking about anything in particular. They both were happy at how things had turned out and nothing could make this perfect day sour. Except a big, fat dark cloud.

"Who the hell is this?"

Both men turned around. A fuming brunette stood there with his arms crossed, patiently waiting an answer to his question. Gaara immediately tensed at Naruto's side. In that gesture he saw Sakura, afraid but not willing to admit it and he quickly stepped in on the redhead's behalf.

"Who the hell are you, if you don't me asking?" Naruto lightly put his hand on Gaara's shoulder for—protection? Stabilization? Who knows?

"I'm Gaara's boyfriend, you needledick bear!" the man snapped, looking at him with utter disgust.

"_Ex_-boyfriend," Gaara quickly corrected him. He didn't like being associated with Sai.

"I can see why." Naruto's hand tightened on Gaara's shoulder slightly. He knew the redhead was capable of handling this himself, but he would be there in case things got ugly.

"Get out of here, Sai. Don't make me call the cops again. You'll be going to jail this time."

"I don't know why you keep bothering with the police. You still love me."

"You sure have a funny definition of love," Gaara spat. "I swear to god, if I see you trying to peep though my bathroom window one more time—"

"You won't let me in and you changed the locks! What am I supposed to do?" Sai was honestly outraged. It took a special brand of crazy to believe the things he did.

"Leave me alone, you selfish mancunt!"

Sai switched his targets. "You didn't know that Gaara was with me, did you? But you understand, right? If you back off, then everything will be okay."

"You're harassing my friend, so I will _not_ back off," Naruto growled.

"Friend? So you can't even call him your boyfriend? Wow. That's pathetic. Really pathetic." Sai looked like he pitied him.

"Goddammit, I'm not gay!"

"Come on, Gaara. Let's leave this closet case and his tiny prick behind, go back to old times." Sai spread his arms outward in a gesture of peace, giving the blonde a particularly nasty look.

"We're leaving, Naruto."

Gaara turned around and began to walk away. Sai grabbed him by the arm. "You're not going anywhere."

Reflexes working faster than his mind, Naruto broke Sai's grip and wrapped his hand around the brunette's throat, slamming him into the wall of the building next to them. Sai's face went red from lack of oxygen as Naruto added his other hand to the choking grip. "If you can't fucking forget about him, then I'll beat you until you do, understand?"

"D-dickless l-loser…"

Naruto smashed him against the wall a second time. "I swear to god if I hear a single thing about you fucking with him again, I will _end you._"

He let Sai fall to the pavement and brusquely walked away with Gaara hurrying at his side. It was a while before they spoke again.

"I'm sorry about that," said Gaara.

"It's not your fault. Some people need to have sense knocked into them."

Obsessive guys like that pissed him off so much. Sakura had once had a stalker that sent her love letters in her locker every day and at first she'd found it flattering, but the messages got gradually more disturbing, so Naruto hunted the guy down and dealt with it himself. Everyone was on tenterhooks at the time because another girl with an obsessed boyfriend had ended up killing her a few weeks earlier. No one should have to go through that.

At that moment, Gaara wanted nothing more than to hug the man's muscular arm, but he kept it to himself. Without even trying, they found themselves in front of Naruto's apartment. He felt suddenly bashful.

"I had a good time today," Naruto said.

"Me too."

"I'll be sure to call you. Or you can call me if you want to do something other than give me a massage."

"Sounds good."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Naruto went inside. Gaara was so overjoyed that he couldn't help starting to skip home gaily with a smile from ear to ear. He went on a date with a cute straight boy. (He knew that technically it wasn't one, but he liked to think of it that way.) The aforementioned cute straight boy seemed to like him—as a friend, he sternly reminded himself. The cute straight boy put his ex-boyfriend in a stranglehold for him. For once, he'd been glad to meet someone at Broke Straight Guys. Maybe he should try expanding his horizons more.

All he knew was: he had a massage to give and it was going to be the best ever.

0o0

On the twelfth day of updates, YamiTenshi gave to thee…

Broke Straight Guys… is now officially a full-length fic!

Oh yes. I'm going to see this through all the way to the end. This is too good for me to pass up.


	3. Bareback Disco Stick

Broke Straight Guys

I think I'm having an illegal amount of fun writing this story… I like writing the different sides of Gaara for this. Shy, campy, flirtatious… I can't wait to find more. Also, putting Naruto in awkward or uncomfortable situations is doubly fun.

0o0

Bareback Disco Stick

0o0

The call came as he was just about to get off work, his cell buzzing in his pocket twice before breaking into a bouncy polytone ditty that came with it for free. It was the tune that he set for unknown numbers, one that he rarely heard as he wasn't accustomed to passing out his digits to any random stranger who bought him a drink. Technically he wasn't even supposed to have his phone on at all, but it was a rule only heeded by the floor staff. Even then, the waiters merely set them on vibrate. Staying connected was a priority in this wild world.

He had the time to answer it, despite it having been a busy night as Saturdays tended to be. Everyone was out with their families, friends, and lovers. Couple after couple was seated and Gaara sighed as he assigned each table. How long had it been since he had gone out on a nice dinner-and-a-movie date? Ages seemed to have passed since then, back in a time long forgotten when Sai wasn't completely batshit crazy and love blinded him to the obvious signs of the so-called 'passion' lurking just beneath the surface. He wanted a guy to spark the warm feelings of those evenings once more, any guy, it didn't have to be that luscious eyecandy he got to call a friend. He wanted a boyfriend to kiss and cuddle and be doted upon hand and foot by. All the men he'd ever dated seemed to like doing that, spoiling him rotten with little things like foot rubs after a long day of work and chocolate up to the big time gifts, a starburst cut sapphire ring being the one that immediately came to mind. He supposed that always being the receptor of these tokens of affection meant that he was the 'girl' of the relationship, but he didn't mind.

God, he needed someone tossed his way! He was a dog desperate for a bone—but not _that_ kind. And it was as he was thinking that that his phone decided to ring with the unknown caller tone again. Raising the phone to his ear cautiously, he glanced from left to right to see if his boss was sober enough to be on the prowl. She wasn't, so he accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"_How's it going, Gaara? Still want to give me that massage?"_

Gaara immediately felt his lips melt into a smile. It had been a week since he'd seen his forbidden fruit on their trip to the coffee shop. He had begun to think that perhaps Naruto hadn't wanted to see him another time. "Tonight's a bit hectic, but I'm sure I could fit you in…"

"_I'm kidding, I really wanted to ask you if you feel like going drinking. The guy I asked first is ditching me to hang with his girl. Not that I blame him. She's freaking __**hot**__."_

"Is that so?" Gaara mused, a bit put out that he had been the fallback option. Naruto wasn't at fault, though. They'd only met twice.

"_Oh, my bad." _

Naruto seemed to regret mentioning a hot girl to a man who was very, very gay. He had much to learn about the sparklier side of the world. "Just because I don't sleep with women doesn't mean that I can't think they're beautiful or sexy or 'hot'."

"No phones at work, fag."

Gaara pointedly ignored the passing server, who scowled at him before scurrying away elsewhere. "But yes, I'm up for a drink or two."

"Gaara! What have I told you about phones during work hours?!"boomed the angry voice of his boss from her office where she was likely drunk off her ass. So the waiter had tattled on him.

"…or ten. Come save me?" he asked, checking behind him to ensure that he couldn't be snuck up on. His boss was surprisingly stealthy for a drunkard.

Naruto chuckled. _"Can't. You'll have to save yourself this time. Should I pick the place or is there somewhere you wanna go?"_

"Umm…" There were only a handful of bars that he frequented and he was sure that none of them would be to Naruto's liking. The safest non-gay decision on that list was a bondage club and even that might be too much for him. It was simply the stigma that society created. You really did meet the nicest people in those places...

"_I'm not really planning on getting laid, so if you want to go to a, um…"_

"Gay bar," Gaara said bluntly.

"_Uh… Yeah."_

"I'm not going to be offended if you say the words 'gay' or 'queer' or anything else like that, Naruto. At least, as long as you're not being insensitive about it." Gaara had a lot to teach his friend about relations between those who were straight and those who were not. "And thank you for asking, I did have a place in mind. The bartender is a total fool for anyone who's the slightest bit cute and he always gives me discounts. If you flirt with him a bit, he'll probably give you anything you want for free. You're just his type. Wear something that shows off your muscles and you won't have to pay a penny all night."

"_I think I can manage that. Who's driving?"_

"I'll call a cab for us."

"_Then I'll pay for it. Consider it payback for the coffee. That reminds me, I have to figure how to compensate you for that massage, whenever I get that…"_

"That's on me. I want to do it for you." Getting to see him undressed again was reward enough.

"_What time are we going at?"_

Gaara contemplated this. He didn't want to be at work for much longer, lest he incur the wrath of his boss. She would probably forget all about his rule breaking tomorrow provided that she didn't come to deal with it personally. So if he left now, he still had to account for the time it would take him to get home, shower, and change clothes. He could do that fairly quickly. "I'll stop by your place in about an hour."

"_See you then."_

The line promptly went dead.

Gaara, regretting what he was about to do, turned to his coworker. Ol' Miss Reliable. "Can you cover the rest of my shift?"

The doorwoman raised her head, pulling herself away from her own phone on which she was updating her Twitter page. She liked having him around regardless of the fact that he ignored her for the most part. That way she could say she had a gay friend when she technically didn't. He never gave her fashion advice or anything, but that was okay. "Is he at least hot? I'm not covering if he's not."

Fighting a mighty battle to not roll his eyes (and nearly losing), Gaara nodded. Girls were weird like that. They always wanted to know the dirty details. He thought that if they were hankering for the lifestyle so much they should just get it over with and do a gender reassignment surgery. Never mind that turning the pink taco into a nice twig and berry set was currently pretty much impossible. They probably wouldn't care anyway.

"He's _extremely_ hot, but off-limits."

"Steal him from his boyfriend."

Like things could be that simple. "He's straight."

"Suck his dick and change his mind."

Gaara blushed at her utter crassness and wanted to tell her that he'd tried. He left instead, grabbing his coat before departing. For the life of him, he really could not find out what women found so fascinating about gay men. Maybe it was the same for men who loved lesbians. Human sexuality was such a mystery that way.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara looked at himself in the mirror with the utmost scrutiny, giving himself a final once-over. He wore his favorite jeans, the ones that made his ass look like it was worth a million bucks and a casual dress shirt because it was laundry day and everything else was in the wash. For the longest time Gaara hated his slender frame, but it was nights like these that made his self-esteem skyrocket. Sure he was a little on the lean side, but someone was going to love him. He winked at his reflection and got his wallet. The cab was waiting for him already. After giving the man Naruto's address, Gaara settled in the best he could and relaxed, anticipating the night to come.

I0I0I0I0I

A short debriefing outside the bar was necessary. There was nothing that could be done about it. He couldn't toss Naruto to the dogs on his first night in one of these establishments, it would be too cruel. Funny, but cruel.

"Okay, so what if someone starts hitting on me?"

It was the third time he'd asked. "Very politely say you're not interested and the keyword is _polite_. If you don't watch what you say, you might end up with a drink in your face."

"I think I can manage that."

"Are you ready?"  
"About as ready as I can possibly be."

Indeed he was. Naruto looked great, having taken Gaara's suggestion to heart. He wore a navy blue tee that stretched taut over his pectorals, revealing these gorgeous guns and the leather cord of a necklace was partially hidden under the shirt. There was an unexpected bonus in his tan cargo shorts that showed off his sinewy calves and Gaara knew that Naruto would soon be getting more attention than he could ever imagine in his wildest dreams.

Surpassing the line was easy with a quick nod of the doorman at Gaara and they sidled up to the bar in no time to make their orders: a beer for Naruto and a chocolate martini for Gaara. As suspected, the bartender took to the blonde immediately.

"Where've you been hiding this one, Gaara?" The man couldn't peel his eyes away from Naruto for even a second. "He's almost as cute as you."

"The same place where I find all my men, Erik." Gaara gave Naruto a mischievous look. "In their closets."

"Not cool, man. Not cool." Naruto continued to grumble to himself once he realized that he was not included in the conversation, downing a third of the beer in one go in hopes that he wouldn't KO Gaara for setting him up like this.

"You know what, I take back my original statement." Erik scratched his chin thoughtfully. "He's not cute, he's flat-out sexy. Mmhm, he's damn near perfect if I do say so myself. I bet people fling themselves at him when he walks down the street. Women lose their minds, throw their panties at him and all us boys are creamin' our pants if he so much as looks our way. I'm telling you, Gaara, this boy is sex on fire."

Naruto blushed sheepishly at the uninhibited praise. Women in bars berated him, but he felt like he was the sexiest man alive right now. He made a mental note to himself: _'when in need of self-confidence booster, go to gay bar.' _ The kind words made him feel humbled to a certain degree. Here he'd been thinking that a bunch of strangers would nitpick at his sense of style for a couple of hours while Gaara tried to hook up with a dude. "Well, I don't know if I'm all that…"

"And you know what the best part is?" Gaara queried innocently. "He's single."

That practically sealed the deal. Gaara had to die _now, _gay mafia or not_._ There was a limit to how much crap you could give your friends and that had crossed the line by a mile. Throwing them into a pool? Okay. Gluing their hands to their face? Okay. Dumping their unconscious body in a Bergner's parking lot at three AM wearing nothing but tiger-striped panties? Also okay—provided that the officer who woke them up to charge them with public indecency was a good listener and subsequently dropped the case when a proper explanation was given. Naruto still hadn't forgiven Sasuke and Kiba for that. Setting someone up in a gay bar? Hell _**no**_. That shit was _not _funny. Guys were going to be trying to get in his pants for the rest of the night and he did not like that _at all._

Naruto sent his so-called friend the most malevolent glare that he could physically muster. His brow furrowed, his nostrils flared, and he nearly gave himself a brain cramp trying to shoot death beams out of his eyeballs to incinerate Gaara where he sat. Instead of bursting into flames, the redhead gave him a viciously victorious smirk before standing with drink in hand and waggling his fingers at Naruto in a condescendingly playful wave.

"Don't get too wild, you two."

"Hold on, you bastard!" Naruto protested, shooting an anxious look at the bartender. Erik grinned at him in a way that was anything but innocent.

Gaara wasn't concerned. His companion was in good hands. Time to find his next potential mate. He brushed elbows here and there with a couple of fellows, but none of them were sending signals he wanted. Eventually he was half drunk and he began to cut down on his standards, bringing him up to the present in which he was in a corner swapping spit with a guy whose name he couldn't remember. Keith? Kaleb? Who cared? Tonight he didn't feel like searching for a lifelong relationship. Keith/Kaleb sure had grabby hands, he couldn't help but think as they reached down to squeeze his butt yet again. How many times had he done this now? He got the point, he had a nice ass, was this really necessary?

Maybe that's why he was glad to get a minute of respite when he heard the cry of, "Save me, Gaara!"

Gaara looked up and saw one of Naruto's arms flailing wildly in the air from the center of a circle of men. Well, the blonde had lasted longer than Gaara had suspected he would. It wouldn't hurt to help him. "Be right back."

"Don't take too long."

But he didn't really hear Keith/Kaleb. He approached the group with hands on his hips and said, "Excuse me, boys. I need to borrow my friend for a second."

Naruto burst through the ring upon hearing his voice and the men backed off a bit, watching the scene from front row seats. Gaara tried his very hardest to keep a straight face. He couldn't. Naruto looked ridiculous, hair mussed and topless, how could he not laugh?

"What on earth?"

Naruto temporarily forgot his anger towards the redhead for being the one who abandoned him in the first place and shouted, "Gaara, some gay guy stole my shirt! Do something about it!"

Well, that was a new one. "Naruto, hun, you have to be more specific than that. 'Some gay guy' is everyone in here but you. Tell me what happened."

"I was drinking and that bartender was on the other side of the bar and this dude comes up to me all 'hey sweet thing, wanna dance?' and I was being polite like you told me, saying 'no thanks, I'm straight' and the next thing I know there's ten more guys around me and my shirt is gone!"

"Well that was stupid of you."

"Huh?"

Gaara had figured that it was a matter of common sense. Apparently not. "Never tell them you're straight. Sometimes they'll take it as a challenge because they think you're in the closet."

Naruto would've liked to have known that before he opened his mouth to tell the stranger 'no'. "You're an asshole."

"Whatever. The closest thing I can compare it to for you would be when you hit on a hot girl and she ignores you, but you don't want to stop. Close your mouth, there's no reason for you to be gaping at me. I had girlfriends before."

"But I thought that you guys knew that you were gay from childhood or something!"

Gaara scowled at him and pushed him into the arms of one of the buffest onlookers. "Have fun with him, gentlemen. He likes you all. He really does. He's just shy."

The man looked down at Naruto. "So you've been playing hard-to-get all this time… Well, I know just the cure for that…"

Naruto immediately paled at whatever the cure implied, thrashing in the stranger's grasp to no avail. "No, I haven't been playing anything! I'm straight, for the love of god—when I get my hands on you, Gaara, I swear I'm going to kill you!"

Gaara blew a kiss at him and returned to Keith/Kaleb, ignoring Naruto's screams of 'oh god, not my pants' and asked, "Where were we?"

I0I0I0I0I

Somewhere in the seconds between Gaara abandoning him for a second time and the attempt to stick foreign appendages in his pants where they most certainly did _not_ belong, a vision of loveliness appeared to rescue him from the melee. She reached out to him and he gladly took her hand. Away she led him, like a faerie spiriting away a child who'd gotten too close to one of their circles, returning to the relative safety of the bar. Naruto breathlessly took a good look at his savior. She was… His mind suffered a dearth of words to describe her. Long was her dark hair and silky smooth down her back, fair of face and gifted in form. She made up for her small breasts with a ruffled sleeveless top in a dark pink paired with a short white skirt.

"What was that mess about?"

"I'm not quite sure myself," laughed Naruto, tired from the ordeal. "I think I owe you a drink or two for that. Is that alright with you, gorgeous?"

"Yeah, it is."

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey, take it easy…"

"Do you want to do this or not?"

Gaara grunted as the man (whose name turned out to be Kory, an extremely dickish and pretentious variation on the traditional version) pushed him harder against the wall of the bathroom stall, cheek flat against the cool metal and his pants around his ankles. "I do, but make sure you put on a condom."

"Yeah, whatever."

There was a pause where Gaara heard a foil packet being opened, but he couldn't see what was being done. It worried him. He felt a warm cockhead at his entrance and it began to burrow inside him without warning. Wincing at the intrusion, Gaara felt his anus clench tight around the cock, trying to force it out as he hissed in pain. Not much had been done in way of preparation and the going was rough. The man pulled back a half inch, the edge of his cockhead scraping down Gaara's inner walls like nails on a blackboard. He paused for a second, then pushed back in, centimeter by dry centimeter. Tears prickled in the corners of Gaara's eyes as he tried to steady his breathing. This was not pleasant, this hurt terribly, and instead of the pleasure he'd been expecting, there was nothing but the urge to shit.

"Fucking Christ, you're tight! What are you, a virgin?"

Any of the boldness given to him by the alcohol was completely gone, leaving him desperately sober and timid once more. "It's my… second time…"

Instead of taking this into account, the man began pushing harder into him, forcing his full length as deep as he could, ignoring the few tears that trickled down Gaara's cheeks. The redhead lost his erection, his penis now drooped between his thighs and he prayed that all would be over soon. Kory rutted away at him for a good ten minutes, none of which were pleasant for his docile recipient. When the end did arrive, it was unwelcome as he felt something warm and wet invade his innards. He rounded on the bastard as soon as he pulled out.

"You said you would—"

His complaint fell on deaf ears as the other man exited the bathroom without a shred of remorse. The cum dripped out of his ass, a cruel enlightenment that reminded him that not everyone could be as nice as his blonde friend and he wiped away as much as possible, cheeks burning in shame while he twisted up a piece of toilet paper into an informal and uncomfortable plug that hopefully would prevent the physical remnants of what would soon become a nasty memory from staining the jeans he loved so.

It was time to go.

I0I0I0I0I

"Naruto?"

"Yes, Haku?" His voice was laced with the warm charm of a man struck by Cupid's arrow. The rage he held towards Gaara was long forgotten. Naruto couldn't help but feel serene around the pretty girl.

There was a moment of hesitation where she contemplated what she was about to do, questioning the consequences both good and bad. Then, with resolution in her dark eyes, Haku stood on her tiptoes to kiss Naruto chastely, her bow-shaped lips warm against his mouth. It nearly knocked the blonde off his feet. He'd never been kissed this way before, so full of tenderness and for lack of a better word… love.

She disengaged herself from the connection and said, "You're the first man I've been able to trust since I was raped. Thanks for being so kind."

Naruto felt a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to say after a revelation like that. Was there anything he could possibly respond with? Total silence would not do, even if he couldn't figure out the words, he still had his touch. Comforting her somehow was his first impulse and he followed through by stroking her cheek with shaking fingertips. She smiled like a radiant dawn. Beauty filled her internally as much as it graced her outermost human shell.

Slowly, a black rage boiled up within his chest. Who could ever do such a terrible thing to a girl like her? What kind of sick fuck got his rocks off on making her cry and beg for mercy? In his mind's eye he could see it, the chase, the capture, the savagery. Tears streaming down her cheeks, screaming for help until she was hoarse, the imagery only grew worse and worse. How long had it taken her to overcome the resulting trauma? A month? A year? Or would it never go away entirely, everlastingly lurking in the back of her mind? His anger magnified, spreading like a malignant cancer and he wanted the bastard's blood on his hands. For all he knew, the guy could still be walking around looking for his next victim. The tumor clenched at his heart painfully and he nearly sobbed.

But he knew there was nothing he could do about it. And he hated it.

"Oh god, Haku…" he whispered. There was nothing to do but embrace her, shaking with suppressed anger.

When he let her go, she asked, "Can I spend the night… with you?"

"You don't have anywhere to go?"

"No. I was staying with my mother after it happened, but my father beats both of us and I didn't stay long."

"You can stay, but are you sure you—"

"Don't worry about it. I'm completely comfortable with the thought of sleeping with you. In both senses." She winked at him.

Naruto had a response, but before he could speak, Gaara grabbed him by the arm and was trying to drag him out of the bar. Bewildered by the strange behavior, Naruto asked what was wrong. Gaara told him, sparing the minor details. The blonde was not happy about the redhead's revelation either at first and he got angrier at the sick people who did these things, but then he realized something. _This_ was something he could help with this time, perfect for sating his awakened bloodlust. He had gotten a look at the fellow Gaara had been chatting with briefly, making it easy to find him boasting of his conquest to a group of friends. Naruto punched him square in the face. Cartilage crunched under his fist and blood gushed out of Kory's brand new broken nose.

"When someone tells you to put on a condom, do it you asshole! If you ever try to pull that shit with someone again, I'll rearrange your fucking face!"

For good measure, he punched him again, then a third time, just so he would remember.

Feeling much better, he stormed back to Gaara and Haku and escorted them to the door, where a cab was called for them by the bouncer. Gaara gave the driver directions to his house. The ride was a silent one, punctuated by Gaara's faint sniffs at odd intervals and a few failed attempts at conversation initiated by the driver. None of them wanted to speak after the evening they'd had.

Gaara paid the cabbie for taking him this far and tried to bid the other passengers farewell so they could get on with their busy lives, but Naruto insisted on walking him to his front door. By now, Gaara's eyes were faintly red and puffy, but tears didn't fall from them as they had been.

"Are you okay?" Naruto asked in a soft voice.

"Yes…" Gaara paused, taking in a breath of cool night air. "No."

"Do you want me to stay?" Sadistic jokes or not, Naruto would stick by his friends whenever they needed him.

Naruto had that girl to be with. Why was he even bothering to ask when he clearly wanted to be shagging her instead of comforting him? He should say no. Let him have his fun. Maybe he could deal with the mess his emotional state was in right now by himself. It wouldn't be so hard. He'd done it before. He had never much liked burdening people with his petty troubles. He was going to say no.

"…Please, Naruto. I don't want to be alone tonight."

Living by himself had its advantages, but on the evenings he couldn't sleep, his empty home seemed to be a haven for the things that fed his twilight paranoia. He had a great deal of fears stemming from the wakeful nights: getting robbed, forgetting to turn the stove off and burning alive, being murdered, the list continued on and on. So he triple checked the locks on the doors and windows, made absolutely sure that nothing in the kitchen was left on and all candle flames were smothered, and when that was done he would crawl into his bed, pull the sheets over his head and curl into a ball, listening to the thud of his heart and the constant dripping of the leaky bathroom faucet. Every sound he couldn't identify immediately made his heart skip a beat. A boyfriend beside him made things better and having girls over was alright too, but only a smidgen. None of the men he ever dated were exactly the 'protecting' type and even if Tenten was spending the night, she was usually drunk and didn't have any of her familiar weapons to work with.

He had always wanted something more tangible as a means of defense, a shield that was clear to him. Buying a gun seemed like a waste of money, but the thought of Naruto in his guest room made him feel at ease. He'd proved himself twice before and Gaara had confidence in him.

Naruto had had a few bad nights of his own and knew a fraction of what he was sure Gaara felt now. "What about Haku? She doesn't have anywhere to go. I was going to take her to my place, but…"

"It's okay. I have a guest room. You two can stay in there."

"Thanks, Gaara."

He gestured towards Haku that they would be stopping here instead of back at his place and she got out of the cab with a courteous nod to the driver. Gaara unlocked his door for them. The place was as he'd left it, clean and not a thing out of place. He sighed to himself, happy that he had made it another day without someone robbing him blind. Considering it wasn't technically his house, he was thankful for that. He was just watching the place for his old man until his brother could move in. He wasn't allowed to add any of his own personal touches and while he disliked this, he would be rewarded by his father paying for a loft in the city for the rest of his college years—provided that he kept his grades up—once his housesitting duties were complete.

Haku and Naruto settled into the guest room and he found some old clothes for them to sleep in. After that, he gave himself an enema in his bathroom to rid himself of any remaining traces of Kory in his system. It had been a gag birthday present from Matsuri that he kept on a whim, but he was thankful for it tonight. Cleaning himself out had been a tremendous relief.

When he came out of the bathroom, Naruto was waiting for him in his bedroom. Haku was nowhere to be seen, presumably still in the guest room. He sat down on the edge of the bed once Gaara had tucked himself in. "How are you feeling?"

"Like crap." Gaara pulled the covers up to his eyes. "Men are all assholes."

"Even me?" Naruto queried, trying to bring some light into the situation.

"Not as much."

Naruto ruffled his hair. "That's nice to know."

"I mean, what was I thinking? I don't do one night stands—why the hell did I think that doing it in a bathroom would be okay? God, I'm an idiot." Gaara thought he was babbling, but the construction worker didn't seem to mind in the least.

"Don't beat yourself up about it. You're not an idiot," Naruto assured him. "It was a stupid choice, but at least you're smart enough to realize that, right?"

"I guess." Gaara sighed, staring up at the ceiling. "Maybe this is a sign I need to get a new boyfriend."

Naruto chuckled nervously. "I uh, can't help you out on that one."

Gaara rolled his green eyes at the blonde, mood having improved already. "Oh, get over yourself. You weren't _that_ good in bed." He smirked insouciantly at Naruto's furious blush.

"W-what would you know? You don't have anyone to compare me with!"

"Don't have to." Gaara wriggled under the safety of his blankets impishly.

Naruto pounced on him, pulling the covers away to tickle him. "Admit it! I'm the best lover you've ever had and will ever have!"

"Never!" Gaara tried to hold in his laughter, but it was inevitable.

"Say it!"

The fingers on his sides and stomach were too much, he had to surrender. "You are the best lover I've ever had and will ever have!"

The fingers stopped tickling. Naruto looked oddly serious.

"And I can prove it again."

His lips crashed down onto the other man's mouth like a wave on an unsuspecting swimmer and Gaara was drowning, dying a little as the man kissed him so passionately. This, yes, _this_ was what he'd been longing for, not a tawdry bathroom affair. He snared his hands in that magnificent yellow hair, daring him to go deeper. Hungry for flesh, the blonde ripped away the thin layer of pajamas keeping him from his carnal satisfaction. Teeth bit his nipples harshly and hands parted his thighs, revealing his pucker. Gaara moaned, liking the ferocity. Naruto's erect cock dripped in anticipation and Gaara heard himself beg for it, screaming silently as it pushed deep inside of him and they made sweet, earth-shattering love, reaching a sweaty climax.

At least, that's what should have happened.

Instead, Naruto accepted the surrender and bade him a goodnight. He went to be with his _woman._ Gaara wrapped his arms around his body and stifled a sob. What did love have against him? He dated the wrong guys if he could find any at all and when he found the guy of his dreams, he wasn't interested. Was he meant to love no one but himself? Speaking of self-love, the erection brought on by that fantasy of his was begging for attention. He squeezed it tentatively. There was just so many things wrong about masturbating when there was someone down the hall, but Naruto seemed like he as about to get his mack on with that girl, so wouldn't it be a fair trade?

He palmed it boldly, imagining it was the hand of the boyfriend of his dreams. With the other hand, he pinched his nipple experimentally and shivered with unexpected pleasure. He had never thought of touching them before, had never figured they could feed a man's arousal. The piercings another one of his former exes had had made perfect sense suddenly. Once more he pinched his nipple and, with some regret, let the hand go elsewhere. He rubbed the sensitive ring of muscles around his entrance and breathed in sharply. It was still slightly wet from the enema. He slid a trio of fingers inside himself and bit his lip to stifle his cry. He was sore from the bastard, but it felt good otherwise. He closed his eyes and visualized, giving his desires form.

What did he want in a man? Someone funny, with a good sense of style. A great ass and an even better smile. Decent sized muscles, his newfound love. Rough hands to caress his body slowly, to make him moan for more of that sweet touch. He didn't care what ethnicity this man was. Why should it matter? An open mind brought many options to the table. As for in the sack, he had to be willing to experiment if Gaara wanted to. Experience was a major bonus, but STDs were out completely. The last thing he needed was hep or herpes or something worse. He wasn't asking for Dickzilla or anything, but some decent sized meat would certainly be appreciated. Most importantly, the ultimate guy had to tell Gaara that he loved him every day.

Gaara made the fantasy complete, resuming pleasuring himself. With each slow pump, he rolled his hips, the movement sucking his fingers deeper inside him, getting close to the prostate but not quite. He tried to press against it, but he couldn't reach, so close and yet so far. He whimpered at the imperfect feeling, raising his hips higher off the bed in hopes of better penetration, hand still stroking his manhood, hips still rolling. God, he knew he was almost there—yes! His chest nearly caved in on itself as he was left breathless, fucking his hand faster, jerking his cock harder, keeping both sources of pleasure in constant activity. His hips would soon fail him, he had to finish it. His dick gave a small pulse and he yanked the pillow out from underneath himself and he screamed into it as he came.

What if Naruto and that girl heard him? What would they think?

Gaara made a note to himself: _'Get a boyfriend for sure.'_

I0I0I0I0I

"Was he okay?" Haku queried as Naruto returned to her.

"Yeah, he was being hard on himself, but I'll think he'll be fine."

She smiled. "Male comrades are so inspiring. How long have you been friends?"

"Only a couple of weeks."

"Really? You seem like you've known each other forever."

"Maybe we hung out in a past life or something." He did admit that he felt a certain connection towards Gaara.

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" Haku asked as she stretched out her arms.

"I dunno." Naruto shrugged. "I haven't really made up my mind about that all that religious stuff yet. Never made sense to me. I guess I'm not imaginative enough to consider someone controlling everything in the world."

"What about guardian angels?"

"If you'll forgive me for being cheesy, I think I've got one right here." Girls dug cheesy lines, even if they denied it.

"If I was an angel, then I'm sure I've fallen."

"Nah, that's impossible. I can still see your halo."

Haku turned off the light. "If you want… You could restore my faith in men."

"Only if you're comfortable."

"I trust you."

Naruto kissed her softly, cradling her as they made their way to the bed. He had to be careful with everything he did or he feared the night would end in tears. He lavished attention on her warm mouth, changing his target to her neck when she began to squirm with discomfort. Naruto pulled her shirt over her head, running his mouth over her pink nipples until they were taut. Every part of her he touched he worshiped aloud, calling upon any and all adjectives of a positive nature that he could think of, disregarding the scars here and there that marred her pretty flesh. Only when his hand found her skirt did she stop him.

"Could you turn around and close your eyes? That man hurt—no, _mutilated_ me down there. I had to get a lot of surgery done so I could even go to the bathroom."

"Haku—"

"I don't want you to be disgusted by me, Naruto."

"You could never disgust me."

"Then you don't mind doing it from behind?"

Naruto chuckled lowly. "Are you kidding? Guys like me usually have to beg someone like you to achieve that honor."

"You certainly know how to flatter, don't you?"

"I mean every word of it."

"You liar."

"I'm serious," he said as he turned around, eyes closed as she wished.

When Haku permitted him to look again, she was laying flat on her stomach, her soft white bottom flawed by more old scars. Naruto tried his best to ignore them.

"Hold on a sec, I have to get a—"

"You're clean, aren't you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Let's go bareback."

"I could marry you, Haku."

She giggled slightly. "I trust you."

"Thanks."

He slid into her slowly and made gentle, passionate love to her. She thanked him, kissed him goodnight, but when he woke up the next morning, she was gone.

I0I0I0I0I

The last thing Gaara expected to hear was the sound of eggs being broken open on the edge of a frying pan. As he made his way down to the kitchen, he heard a sizzle. Last night must've been worse than he thought if he was having auditory hallucinations. He scratched his belly, yawning widely as he entered the kitchen with the intent to make himself breakfast.

"Hey Gaara."

Gaara's mouth snapped shut and his eyes shot open and he jumped with a shrill little scream. No hallucination, Naruto was standing right in front of him. His body recoiled in mass flinch, arms pressed to his chest, leg flying up in a weak kick in the intruder's direction in hopes of making his sudden guest disappear as the scream continued, diminishing as he ran out of breath, ending in a light squeak. Naruto stared at him with an odd look on his unshaven face. When the initial surprise wore off, he immediately went on the attack.

"What are you doing in my kitchen?"

"You wanted me to stay the night!"

"Bullshit! I never let people stay when I'm drunk!"

"You were upset by that guy! You said you didn't want to be alone!"

Gaara's memory was fuzzy, so he couldn't automatically believe what was being told to him. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"This coming from the guy in his tighty whities!"

"Get out of my kitchen!"

"But—"

Gaara snatched the spatula that Naruto had been holding and started swatting at him erratically. A few good blows landed on the blonde's head and neck and he was forced to retreat to the guest room. Fuming with embarrassment and frustration, Gaara turned off the stove and got dressed. He couldn't face Naruto again without something on. Since he didn't have classes or work this morning, he settled for a pair of navy blue yoga pants and a t-shirt that his brother had won from a radio station.

Once he'd cooled down some, he thought back to the previous night. He remembered getting fucked by the douchebag in the bathroom and Naruto punching the guy out. His bum was still aching, but he knew that was from the pleasure he'd given himself. Naruto had been right, he had told him that he and the woman could stay. Come to think of it, where was she? With Naruto? Upon further contemplation, he realized he should've warned him away from her. Either way, he had to apologize.

He knocked the bedroom door. "Are you going to finish making me breakfast or not? I'm hungry."

The door came open a crack. "Spoiled is what you are, you bastard."

"Blame my exes."

"Your exes can go to hell for all I care."

"Come out, Naruto. Don't you want to spoil me?" Gaara asked in his best babying voice, batting his eyelashes at the blonde. When all else fails, be camp!

"Fuck no!" Naruto tried to close the door, but Gaara's foot wedged itself in before he had the chance.

Gaara smiled to himself. Straight men were always quick to freak out at the smallest amount of flirtation. "Didn't I tell you? You aren't _that_ good in bed."

"Shut your facehole!"

"Seriously, come out. I'll make us some crêpes."

"Make a what?"

"They're delicious. I'll put fruit in it and real whipped cream on top…"

It sounded like a trap. A tasty trap. "You'll hit me with a spatula again."

"Do I have to get down on my knees to tell you I'm sorry? Because I will."

Naruto opened the door. "Shine my shoes while you're at it, will ya?"

"Fat chance."

"I accept your apology, but if you hit me again, I'll knock your skinny ass out."

"Deal."

Naruto sat at the kitchen table and leafed through a stack of magazines that Gaara had pointed to in case he got bored while the food was being made. Most of them were either catalogs or had to do with 'healthy' cooking. A few newspapers had made it in as well with certain articles marked, a great deal of which were about gay rights. He probably intended on cutting them out later. There was also a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, which didn't make much sense to Naruto, who had a few of his own. This was soft-core straight porn. But he dismissed it and continued rifling through the stack.

Gaara was in the zone. He liked cooking. What he didn't like was being interrupted while he was cooking. Naruto did just that.

"Oh my god, what the fuck is this?!" Naruto screamed, flinging a magazine at the refrigerator like it was a radioactive potato. It slithered to the floor harmlessly. "Oh god, there's another one!" That magazine quickly met the fridge as well. "My eyessss… My virgin eyesss…"

Gaara looked over to find Naruto furiously rubbing at his corneas like he'd been blasted in the face with a handful of sand. "What are you doing?"

"You did that on purpose, you bastard!" He pointed at the magazines he'd thrown, treating them like they were the vilest of snakes.

Gaara reduced the heat of the stove and went to pick up the magazines, wondering what had gotten Naruto in such a tizzy. Apparently it was last February's issue of Playgirl and something called Buns & Thighs he'd picked up at a gas station. Part of his wanking stash. Oops. How was he supposed to explain his way out of this one?

"I swear to god, I didn't know they were there, Naruto. I don't even know why these are out here. I must've been cleaning and put them in the pile without thinking about it." He set them out of the refrigerator where they would be hopefully out of sight and out of mind and that would be the end of it. But he was dealing with Naruto.

"You knew! You knew! It's not funny! Just like you trying to hook me up with that bartender last night!" Naruto jabbed an accusing finger at him and Gaara figured the best course of action was to ignore his ranting ways.

Turned out that it was. He got finished with the crêpes in no time flat and Naruto calmed down at the prospect of having food in his belly. It pleased Gaara to see that his food was being received so well, Naruto wolfing it down wholeheartedly. He hadn't lost his touch after all. Doubt about his skills had begun building when he first started dating Sai, who was a total fast food junkie. He wouldn't eat a single thing that didn't come in a paper bag or cardboard box and could be ordered through a window. Once, Gaara had brought him over for dinner and made him butternut squash soup. Sai took one look at it and tore a giant gash in his ego by saying that it looked like someone had thrown up in a bowl and served it. He distinctly remembered crying in the bathroom for an hour while Sai ordered pizza for himself. So to watch Naruto eat like it was his last meal was a godsend for him.

Naruto wiped his mouth on his napkin, clearing his throat so he could ask the question that had been pressing on his mind. "Hey, have you seen Haku? I haven't been able to find her."

"No, I haven't. I thought she was with you." He had to admit, he was relieved that she was out of his house. He didn't like having strangers around.

"I hope she's okay."

Naruto was genuinely worried and Gaara felt almost bad about his imminent revelation. "Naruto, I think you should know something."

"What?"

"Haku was probably a T-girl."

Naruto looked at him blankly. He didn't follow gay slang.

"A transvestite," Gaara clarified.

Naruto began choking on his crêpe. He pounded himself on the chest until the blockage went down the right pipe. "Dude, not while I'm eating!"

"It's true." Gaara primly took a drink of his black tea. "You have the express honor of having slept with a T-girl."

"That's impossible!"

"It was bound to happen eventually. Most men who have casual relationships have had sex with a woman who is, in fact, a man without even knowing it."

"You're ruining my appetite. A lot of bad things happened to her and now you're claiming—"

"It's okay if you don't want to listen to the truth, I'm just saying—"

Naruto covered his ears with his hands. "I don't want to hear it. Haku is going to stay in my mind as a beautiful woman I hope I made happy."

"Suit yourself."

Naruto found that he couldn't eat much after that discussion, so he set his fork and knife down and changed the topic. "Hey, Gaara?"

"Yes?"

"Is there a—you're totally going to think this is stupid—is there a gay mafia?"

Gaara laughed at the question.

"Right, right, I knew there wasn't."

"Wait, what are you talking about?" His smile diminished. "There is one. My cousin is in it. But you can't tell anyone that, especially not the police. He may or may not have killed some people and may or may not be trying to get my permission to kill a couple of my exes."

Naruto giggled nervously. Either Gaara was for real or he had the best poker face in the world.

"Hey, we should do something fun again another time. You can pick the place."

Naruto continued to laugh, but he was crying desperately on the inside. What was he supposed to do with a guy who had ties to the mafia?

0o0

I'm seventy percent sure there is a gay mafia in real life. Everyone else has one, so I figure 'why not?' Russians, Italians, Japanese… Some real scary shit. I went to summer school with a kid whose entire family was made up of almost pure Cossack Russians and most of them were involved with the Russian mob. His grandpa came to pick him up one day when I was talking to him and he said, 'Come here. You see this glove? I killed a man with this glove.' I don't think I ever talked to him again after that. I'm so glad I went to summer school in a different city. You meet such weird people there. Like the _real_ guy who got dumped in a Bergner's parking lot at three in the morning in nothing but his underwear. Good ol' Jeff.

But, I digress. Gaara's ties to the velvet mafia will probably be a subplot, but not the main story. And just in case you were wondering, this will probably be the last of Naruto's attacking people for Gaara's sake you'll see. I didn't even realize I'd done it until I started editing.

Have a nice day.

~YamiTenshi~


	4. Big Stingers and Dark Meat

Broke Straight Guys

I decided that I'm going to dedicate this chapter to **Redfaerie, Lilith G. Astroll**, and **Kratos the Divine. **Because they asked for it. XD

Man… This was either the worst or best weekend for me to decide to update ever… I mean, And:Reboot _and_ Sweet Tooth _and_ Hunger all updated? Check the skies, there must be a blue moon out!

0o0

Big Stingers and Dark Meat

0o0

There were things to be done before they could venture elsewhere. Laundry, for starters, as none of the clothes in their current location fit the guest. Most of the host's garments would probably look like someone had tried to force Barbie clothes on a G.I. Joe. Not a pretty sight. Afterwards, they cleaned up their kitchen mess and watched part of a movie on TV while they waited for their things to run their cycle in the dryer. It was one of those trashy Lifetime flicks where some girl dated the guy that everyone liked, but he turned out to be a total douchebag who cheated on her with her best friend and then got her pregnant and she had to drop out of school and a good third of it all was acted out with dewy eyes and cheesy dialogue. They found it amusing and while alcohol-driven banter would have made it better still, Gaara had a strict rule about not drinking—even beer—before five PM. Besides, he was a bit hung over from last night, though it was nothing that a bit of water and ibuprofen couldn't fix.

On the same couch they watched the bad movie, the now dry clothes were folded and Naruto rejoiced at having clean things to wear, regardless of the fact that they were the ones he'd worn last night. He got dressed without bothering to take a shower, operating on what he found to be quite logical: he was going to get sweaty all over again, so why go to the trouble? He did, however, sneak a bit of Gaara's mouthwash because he didn't want to have his breath smelling like he'd been munching on a fresh turd. Shaving was considered, but a man's razor was something personal. So he let the stubble be for now, figuring that women dug that sort of thing anyway and met Gaara at the door.

Before they could enact the plans they'd briefly discussed, Naruto had to stop by his apartment to pick up a few things. They took Gaara's car, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle that sent the blonde into peals of laughter upon sight. He had been expecting a Miata, but this absolutely took the cake. Somber Gaara looked totally out of place in this car, so he laughed until he cried and had a nasty stomach cramp. Gaara responded by giving him the silent treatment the entire way to the apartment building while Enya crooned through the stereo. So what if his car was lemon yellow and the most unmanly vehicle on the face of the planet? He loved it like it was his own child. Plus he didn't have to shell out money on subway passes and cab fares. Owning a car in this city was a privilege, dammit!

They arrived at the building and made their way up to the sixth floor. Naruto brought out a set of keys that he unlocked his door—number seven—and opened it to allow them inside, where they were immediately greeted by the other resident who was parked firmly on the couch enjoying the machine he'd wasted their rent money on.

"Behold the triumphant return of the butt bandits! Did you have fun getting the shish-kabob treatment?"

"Shut up, Sasuke!" Naruto chucked his shoe at the brunette, casually tossing the other by the door. "My butt is an exit, not an entrance!"

"Yeah, whatever. Tell that to the guy who was packing your fudge last night." He looked at Gaara. "What's Nike doing here?"

"Nike? Like the shoe?" What did athletic footwear made by the labor and tears of Chinese children have to do with Gaara?

"It's my nickname around the Broke Straight Guys office." One that he thought he'd shaken, he mentally added to himself.

"Is he who you got partnered with for your shoot?" Sasuke was mildly impressed. Nike was a skittish little thing. He would've figured that he would've ran like a bat out of hell as soon as he caught a glimpse of Naruto. The idiot must have done something right.

"Like you don't know, porn-boy!" Naruto sneered.

"I don't. Just because I act in the stuff doesn't mean that I actually watch it. I'm not gay."

"That reminds me, how the hell _aren't _you? I asked around and they said you've done like, ten videos for them! You've fucked guys ten times! Ten times, you bastard!"

"Twelve," Gaara corrected him. He'd heard talk of the Uchiha around the office. In fact, the studio had been planning on partnering the two of them up if Naruto hadn't worked out. He did his research, talked to the guy's former conquests—out of the seven straight men that'd filmed with him, six were now gay—and deduced that he was a damn good lover. While he had missed out on the allegedly sensational experience, he was glad to have gained a comrade instead. It was probably better that way, especially since there was some reason he hadn't wanted to sleep with him…

"Twelve times! And you kiss them! With tongue! _I _didn't even do that! How do you explain that?"

"The pay is good and you get more when you do more things. Isn't that why you fucked him?" Sasuke's attitude was infuriatingly cool. But he was a sadistic bastard, he was always like that.

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Unless he was the one screwing you." Sasuke took joy in his roommate's rage, setting his controller on his lap. "And you liked it so much that you did it again."

"I'm no one's bitch, you bastard! We went drinking!"

Now Sasuke looked hurt. He loved alcohol. "Why didn't you ask me to go with you? I could've done with some bar hopping."

"I did ask you! You were too busy playing your damn game to listen!"

"I thought you were asking if the milk expired."

"How do you get—never mind. Just forget it. I'm only here to get my stuff." Naruto shook his head. When he got worked up, that meant Sasuke was winning.

"You two going on another date?"

"It's not a date! I'm taking him to the gym to box!"

"You never said anything about boxing." Gaara wasn't about to get in a ring and let himself be knocked around by some brute. He was no masochist. "I'm not a big sports person."

"What a shock!" Sasuke feigned surprise.

"Shut up, Sasuke! No one asked for your opinion!" Naruto wished he had something else to throw at his roommate. "There're other things you can do, Gaara. I mean we're a little place so we don't have a pool or tennis court or anything, but I think you'll find something to amuse yourself."

"Check out guys or something." Sasuke returned to his game.

"You act like the only thing I've got on my mind is satisfying my libido." Now he remembered why he hadn't wanted to get shagged by Sasuke. He was a total asshole.

"We're men, for god's sake. Isn't that what we all want?"

"Make yourself comfortable, Gaara. It shouldn't take me more than a couple of minutes to get my gear." Naruto disappeared into his bedroom.

Gaara took a seat on the dark blue couch beside Sasuke. Awkwardness filled the space between them. Conversation might alleviate it. He tried, "How did you ever get into doing—"

"None of your business." He mowed down a line of aliens onscreen with a turret gun.

"Sorry."

"I'm glad you finally got laid, Nike. Men need that in their lives." Sasuke paused the game long enough to pat him on the back. "If you were a girl, I'd do you." He mulled over his words and nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, you would be the type who knows when to keep their mouth shut. Totally fuckable."

"Thanks, I think?" He suspected that was the closest the brunette ever got to complimenting someone. He supposed the next thing he could theoretically say would be 'right back at ya', but he didn't want to get punched. So, he kept his mouth shut, just as Sasuke predicted he would.

There was a short silence between them, broken again by Sasuke. "Naruto is an idiot, but he's a good guy. I've known him since sixth grade. If he wants to make you happy, he'll do things he won't want to for your sake. I want you to know that so you don't find out on your own later. You better not take advantage of that. You see, I don't appreciate it when people fuck with my friends. Basically, I'm saying 'don't be a dick.'"

"Okay…"

"And if you see that fruitcake Neji, tell him I hope he gets testicular cancer."

"Sure?" It would be a message he was determined to not forward. Besides, he'd only met Neji in passing a couple of times. There was something about his attitude that just never clicked with him. Neji was a total narcissist, one who flaunted what he had and flirted with almost any male who walked upright with the shameless persistence of a dog in heat. Perhaps Sasuke's hatred for him was spawned from being another hapless victim of Neji's attentions.

"Who's a fruitcake, Sasuke? You better not be talking shit to Gaara." Naruto reentered the living room with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

"Whatever."

"You're such a dick, Sasuke."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

Gore spattered the screen and Naruto nodded approval. "Nice headshot."

"Thanks."

The three men continued to watch the game until Naruto said, "You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're a dick."

"You're the biggest dick to ever live and I hope your children are hideously ugly." Naruto smirked triumphantly. Today he'd gotten the last word in. Sometimes the battles could go on for hours if neither of them had anything better to do.

Sasuke was over it already. "What are we doing for dinner?"

"I have a coupon for the Iron Wok. Two free crab rangoon or egg rolls with any meal."

"Go for the rangoon. I'll have my usual." Oh yes, tonight was definitely a beef and broccoli kind of night.

"I'll be back around seven."

"You have work?"

"Yeah. Not all of us have our parents paying for a higher education."

"Up yours. I've told you a million times to go to community college."

"Can't. Have fun finishing your term paper."

"My paper?" Sasuke stared blankly at the screen for a moment until things clicked into place. "Dammit!"

While Sasuke saved his game and cursed up a storm, Naruto and Gaara left, the redhead pondering the interaction that he'd just borne witness to. They'd insulted each other and then acted like it hadn't happened at all. How strange. Maybe it was something like a mating ritual between straight men.

Once more they piled into the Beetle and Naruto provided surprisingly accurate directions to the small gym he volunteered at. Gaara killed the engine and was about to get out when a man exited the building, bringing with him the easygoing strains of a thumping bass line that filled him with equal parts dread and disgust.

_Boom bye bye _

_Inna batty bwoy head_

_Rude bwoy no promote no nasty man_

_Dem haffi dead_

"No."

"No what?"

"I'm not getting out."  
Naruto was surprised by how tightly Gaara was gripping the steering wheel, knuckles plainly visible beneath his skin. "Why not?"

"I'm not going into that place if that's what you enjoy listening to."

"Reggae?" Hew wasn't the biggest fan of reggae either, but he still could tolerate it.

"No! This song! Don't you know what it's about?"

The accusatory way Gaara said it made him think that he was supposed to. "…No?"

"It's about going around killing gay people! I'm not getting out!"

Oh. Well that made sense. "Gaara, I swear we don't make a habit of listening to this stuff. Sometimes people will make a playlist on their iPods and bring them in so we have something to listen to while we're working out. No one bothers to check what's on them before we play them."

"I mean, I don't want to come off as…" Gaara sighed, massaging the spot at the base of his neck that had started to tense up in nervousness. "I don't know, but I'm not asking for special treatment or anything, I'm not that type of guy, I just—"

"Don't sweat it. I got your back, bro. I'll tell them to switch it with someone else's."

"Thank you."

Buju Banton's voice faded away and it was soon replaced by something he'd never heard before. The blonde construction worker beckoned at him from within and he left his car, feeding the meter before entering. Naruto hadn't been kidding about the size, it seemed to be only one large room with a stout hallway near the back that led off in three different directions. A boxing ring was the central focus and two men were presently sparring in it. There were a few exercise machines alongside weight benches and rack that lined the walls on one half and the other, the one that held the ring, was bare except for a pair of speed bags complimented by a triad of heavy bags.

"If you go on this side…"

Naruto pointed at the boxing half, where the floor was covered with large, squishy mats akin to the ones Gaara had seen wrestlers use in high school. That certainly brought back some memories. One year he'd gone to every single match to scope out what exactly all this was about and he'd soon learned that _real_ wrestling looked a lot more like two guys trying to screw the living daylights out of one another than the things he'd briefly seen in the WWE. Some of the guys were fairly good-looking, to boot. What a delicious year that had been…

"...and there's where the bathroom and the nurse's office are." Naruto chuckled sheepishly, discomfort clear on his face. "Please don't' do anything that gets you sent there. It's where my ex-girlfriends works."

"I'm not guaranteeing anything but I think I can stay out of trouble for a while." Gaara flinched as a particularly potent punch from one of the boxers floored the other. "I'd be more concerned about you."

"Eh, I got a strong jaw." Naruto waved off his concerns with a cheeky grin. "If you want to join in, I've got a spare mouth guard. There are extra gloves too."

"I'll have to pass this time." Those guys would murder him in three seconds flat.

"Mr. Uzumaki!"

A group of kids came up to him with joy present in their eyes, trying to downplay their excitement. Gaara was less than enthused. He was bad with kids, even though a couple of them were only a few years younger than he was himself. Maybe it was because he'd grown up next to a family of religious nuts whose kid wasn't as much of a freak as his parents and liked to talk to him when he got home from school, but their conversations eventually ended when he came out and they all freaked out, fearing his gayness was contagious. They moved about a month later. He wondered whatever happened to that kid.

"I've been working on my right hook," the sole female member offered, cheeks pink with a blush.

"Awesome. You'll have to show it to me later."

"Miss Sakura helped me with it a lot."

Naruto's smile began to decay. He knew he had to be crazy to not be completely over her yet, but still…

"Moegi, you moron! They broke up! He doesn't want to hear about her!"

Gaara felt his stomach lurch. He knew that voice too well for his liking. If he timed it right, he could make a break for it and no one would be the wiser, except maybe Naruto.

"Don't be a stranger, Gaara. Come meet the kids."

Sometimes, he really hated that guy.

"You!" The flabbergasted teen glowered at the unexpected guest, seeking an explanation from Naruto. "What's that faggot doing here?"

"Watch your mouth, Konohamaru," Naruto said sharply.

"What? I'm calling him what he is! Why is he here? He'll just try to hit on everyone or try something funny with one of us!"

"Sorry, but I'm not interested in beady-eyed brats with stupid ponytails," Gaara sniped back at the teen.

"Be the bigger man, Gaara."

Konohamaru hated it when he was ignored. "You still haven't told me _why_ he's here!"

"He's here because he's my friend and I invited him. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No…" Konohamaru gave the redhead the nastiest look he could manage.

"Go do some weight reps, kiddo. You're losing muscle mass, I can tell." Naruto pinched the boy's upper arm, finding flab where it had not been before.

"Why should that matter? I'm not a bodybuilder…"

"No, but less muscle means that you're losing the strength behind your punches too. Ten reps, sets of five."

"Udon, come spot me."

Another boy of the group, this one wearing clunky black glasses, nodded and shuffled after him. He looked like one of those kids who did Calculus for fun and owned a pocket protector that doubled as a protractor. But then Gaara looked at everything below his neck and the circuit board in his brain fried magnificently, spitting sparks whilst electricity pirouetted about his skull. The boy looked like a magazine collage made by a drunk. That head did _not_, in this reality or any other, belong on that body. Nerds did not have buns of steel or arms like an Olympic gymnast. This was wrong in so many ways, practically against the laws of nature itself. Soon he would be sent into paroxysms that rendered him writhing on the floor and foaming at the mouth if he didn't wake up from this odd dream.

Naruto noticed his bewilderment and enlightened him. "Udon is on his school's swim team. Says that he wears glasses 'cause contacts are a pain in the ass—well, I'm paraphrasing, he has this weird thing against cursing. Oh, and his name's not Udon, people just call him that, but I'm not sure why. Inside joke, I guess."

Naruto rambled on about the history of the gym and when he first started volunteering, glancing every so often at the nurse's office, praying that he wouldn't see her today either. He'd been on a hot streak, but he never knew whether or not today would be the day. The day when he would talk to her for the first time since he'd been dumped. What would he say? What would she say? Would she be compelled to punch him? He distinctly remembered she liked doing that to him.

"Well, feel free to do whatever you like," Naruto concluded.

Gaara nodded his understanding and began to wander about, taking it all in as Naruto got into the ring. He'd never been to a gym of any sorts before. They weren't his cup of tea. Too many morons who couldn't see past their biceps.

"Hey, hey, you! Yeah, you!"

They had all the sophistication of an ape and he loathed the in-your-face approach they favored. But you couldn't ignore them. Violence usually ensued. And Gaara didn't like dealing with violent men, especially when the odds were in favor of them being amped up on steroids.

"Can I help you?" Gaara faced his admirer and felt all his color drain away. The man made Schwarzenegger in his glory days look small. His arms couldn't even rest at his sides completely. The bigger the man, the more stubborn they were as well. He'd

have a hell of a time getting this monkey off his back.

"You new here? I know you are, 'cause I'd remember a body like yours."

"Naruto invited me." Bringing him into the conversation might not be the smartest idea, but it was worth a try. He seemed to have some pull around here. Having someone like that on your side always helped.

"You're one of his buddies? He's a pretty cool dude."

"Um…" Why wouldn't he leave him be? Could he not see that he wasn't interested? Gaara rather wished that Naruto would intercede like the gallant prince of storybook tales, but the blonde was busy dodging punches.

"You got a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants." He grinned like he'd said the most marvelously witty thing to ever come out of anyone's mouth in the history of time.

Time to kill this conversation. "Okay, yeah… I have to go do this one thing… Way over there… By myself."

"So you want to do it like cavemen?"

Before Gaara could ask what that meant, a ham-sized fist came down on his crown and all went blissfully black as the oaf prepared to drag him back to his cave.

On the other hand, Naruto was doing quite well for himself. He was sparring with his favorite partner and he had worked up a good sweat. All was right with the world.

"Mr. Uzumaki, your friend is getting kidnapped!"

And as he turned to seek out the perpetrator of this crime, his opponent instinctively seized the opportunity and a mighty force collided with his jaw and darkness claimed him as well.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara groaned as he tried to lift his foggy head, each part of him feeling as if it was made from lead. The scent of the air was the first thing he noticed, sweat and something pungent. He saw a pair of green eyes peering down upon him with professional concern, eyes so much like the ones that rested in his sockets. Pale, creamy skin, a mirror of his own face, but the lips were full and sensual, the cheeks dimpled in a relieved smile. Long, dark lashes flickered as she blinked, brushing her strawberry blonde hair out of her face.

The woman set the smelling salts on the desk behind her. "Can you hear me?"

"Yeah." Gaara shifted and felt another body beside him, Naruto trying to recover from his own assault.

"You know what day it is?"

Gaara informed her, keeping an eye on Naruto. Judging on what he'd said earlier, this was the infamous ex-girlfriend that he was trying so hard to avoid.

"And you're fine, right?" She addressed Naruto directly.

"Yeah…" Naruto sat up and shook his head a couple of times. "What happened?"

"Danny tried to kidnap your friend and Killa knocked you out. What day is it?"

Naruto answered the question, suppressing the well of sadness that sprung up in him when he looked at her. Sad or not, he didn't want to be tongue-tied. "You cut your hair."

Sakura smiled, toying with the newly shortened locks. "That's right."

"But I loved your hair!" Naruto griped. "What was wrong with it?"

"Easier to take care it of this way. Plus, I felt like a change."

"You became a lesbian, isn't that change enough?"

"You're lucky your friend is here or I'd give you another lump on your head, idiot." Sakura gave him a love tap anyway and appraised Gaara. "I don't know how you can put up with him. Do you want to press charges on Danny?"

"No, I think I'll manage."

"Hey, Naruto. You alright?"

The source of the silky baritone voice nearly made Gaara's jaw drop. Another muscular man, with a build similar to his friend's, but instead of a healthy tan, his skin was rich and dark, shimmering lightly with sweat. His hair, braided into simple cornrows, was bleached blonde, like his moustache and goatee. A diamond stud glittered in one ear, accenting his stylish glasses. On his left shoulder was a tattoo of a vicious looking wasp with a massive stinger. Perfectly proportioned from his head to his toes, the guy was a force to be reckoned with. He was having thoughts that he shouldn't be having in the presence of his other crush while the two men chatted, struck dumb by this appearance. They looked good together, something straight out of his fantasies. The three-way they could have would be pure hotness in epic magnitude. Being sandwiched between those two? Yes, please!

Udon broke up the perfect moment by sticking his nerdy little head in and saying, "Miss Sakura, Moegi sprained her hand. Can you come take a look at it?"

"Well, it was nice talking to you all." She retrieved an ice pack from the mini-refrigerator on her desk and hurried out.

The mystery man checked the clock on the wall. "I gotta go too, Naruto. See you again soon?"

"Same bat time, same bat place."

Naruto stood and gave him a short manhug, then watched him walk out. Gaara rose to his feet, waiting until he was absolutely sure that the man was gone. He sighed dreamily and wrapped his arms around Naruto's bicep, resting his head on the blonde's shoulder as he tried to preserve the image of the stranger as perfectly as possible. He wouldn't need his magazines to make himself happy tonight.

"Who was that gorgeous man? You have to tell me." Gaara heard himself purr at his own fantasies and didn't mind. "Mmm, yes. I'd let him bend me over the kitchen sink and have his dirty way with me."

Naruto stared at him with a look of horrified curiosity. Emphasis on horrified.

"Dude." To get his point across, he reiterated. "_Dude._ TMI."

"Tell me his name, Naruto…"

"It's Killerbee. From the tattoo. Could you stop that? It's kinda freaking me out." That was the understatement of the century.

Gaara didn't seem to hear him. "He's single, right?"

"I don't know. I think a better question would be 'is he gay?' And I'm seventy-eight percent sure he's not. Ask him or something."

Didn't people know anything nowadays? "It's not proper to do that."

"It's also not proper for you to be clinging on me."

"How often do you see him with women?"

"I hardly see him outside of the gym and the only girl in his life I know of right now is his sister. Seriously though, can I have my arm back?"

"Should I talk to him?"

"Um… Yes?" How the hell was he supposed to know?

"Come on." Gaara started forward, tugging Naruto along after him.

"Why are you dragging me into this?"

"Moral support."

They caught up with Killerbee, who was prepared to leave, a young woman who was unmistakably his sister at his side. Her lips pursed in disdain at their sudden approach.

"Hey, Naruto. What's up? Feel like hanging out or something?"

Gaara spoke up. "Actually, I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Gaara."

Killerbee's lips parted to reveal two rows of movie-star white teeth, extending his hand in an attempt for a shake. "Nice to meet you, Gaara. People call me Killerbee."

"You seem a little familiar… Are you a friend of Dorothy?"

Killerbee's brow rose, appraising the lithe man. "I am."

"Well then, perhaps we should get to know one another better. Any friend of hers is a friend of mine."

"Got anything planned for next Wednesday?"

"As a matter of fact, I don't."

The girl beside him cleared her throat, trying to subdue the fires burning in her molten eyes. Perfect mixture of green and brown, they were nearly gold. "What are you talking about? You said that you would come home on Wednesday."

"Karui… How many times have I told you that I'm not going home?" She simply didn't get it.

"It's Kareema! Don't call me by that childish nickname."

"I'm sure you remember my lovely sister, Naruto. In case you were wondering, she's still one hundred percent available."

"You are impossible!" The fires in Karui's eyes raged. "Mama and Papa will take you back if you make the effort!"

Killerbee shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe I feel like being lazy."

"You are an imbecile! This is why Raakim has always been the favored son!"

"By the way, how is Rai doing?"

"I despise you." Karui hissed, the amber flames smoldering. "Go on, then! Lay in the bed that you have made for yourself! See if I care!"

She stormed out with the ferocity of a hurricane and Killerbee scratched the back of his neck, gazing upon the spot where she had been. "Sheesh. Still uptight as ever. She needs to get laid. Naruto, that reminds me—"

"Not gonna happen. Why do you always try to set me up with your crazy sister?"

"Because you seem capable of managing her."

"I don't know if you heard or not, but my last girlfriend is a lesbian now. Are you going to wish that on your sister?" Naruto had given thoughts about Karui—or rather, Kareema—and him getting together. They weren't particularly long or detailed thoughts because no matter how often they started with sweet, sweet lovin', they almost ended with him getting horrendously emasculated in one way or another. Karui wasn't big on physical contact. Especially when it was with men.

"I just want her life to be full of happiness. I'm seeking my own, so why shouldn't she?" Killerbee returned his attention to Gaara. "Naruto has my number. See you later."

"Bye."

And then his dark beauty was gone, likely in pursuit of his cantankerous sister. Was it wrong to be forming a new crush when the one he was already nursing was standing at his side? Right now it didn't seem proper, but he was sure he wouldn't regret it in the long run.

"Well, at least you get someone to hang out with now."

"He's gay."

"What? How can you tell?"

"He said that he was a friend of Dorothy."

"Who's Dorothy?"

"You'll understand someday."

"I'm not sure I want to." Naruto retrieved his cell phone from his pocket and checked the time. "Dammit, it's almost time for me to go to work."

"Do you want me to give you a ride?"

"No, it's practically right down the street. I'll be fine."

"Alright."

"Sorry you had such a sucky time. Tell Tenten I'll be giving her a call soon if you see her."

_Pang! _There was his bad run of romances plucking at his heartstrings again, playing him like a virtuoso. Men who couldn't love him back were nothing but trouble. Giving Killerbee a try wouldn't be so bad. In fact, he was kind of looking forward to seeing him again in all his glory, the vicious wasp tattooed on his shoulder flexing with his every move, stinger retracting and growing. Getting stung might be one of the best things that had happened to him in his life. So he asked Naruto for the number and returned home, planning for his upcoming date.

I0I0I0I0I

Konohamaru did his best to convince Naruto to stay longer, but there wasn't much to be done about it. Real work took precedence over volunteering, no matter how noble the cause was. He couldn't pay for an apartment with good deeds. That he could understand. But something had changed about the man he looked up to. Making friends with a fag like Gaara? Something about that wasn't right.

Taking steps to remedy the problem would be necessary. His values were already being infringed upon when he had to see him at work all the time. Continuance of the friendship between the two men would only lead to Naruto's ruin. Nothing was precisely wrong about being tolerant towards those people, but to claim one as a friend? That made him just _that_ much closer to becoming one himself!

"Udon, we gotta get that guy outta the picture. He's totally going to mess up Mr. Uzumaki. I can't let that happen to him. Not Mr. Uzumaki."

Udon sneezed, adjusted his glasses, and watching his plotting friend chew his knuckles until they were bloody.

0o0

I used to sit next to a guy in Algebra II who did that. Bite his knuckles, I mean. He also chewed on his pens and whatnot. It was super gross. Thank god he dropped out.

And now, a message for those of you who are steadily WTFing over the progress in Gaara's love life.

It wouldn't be fun if I didn't create a little turmoil, now would it?

I think this is an 'insert evil laugh here' moment.

Feel free to send me as many bewildered or flaming comments as you please.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	5. Shooting for a Home Run

Broke Straight Guys

Hello there, people. Since I don't have anything to say, I've got a few fic recommendations for you.

**Camp Camp** by Falling-Inside (If you haven't read this yet, then there's something wrong with you. It is consistently entertaining and lacks a lot of the silly clichés that first time authors tend to fall into.)

**These People I Can't Stand** by Lilianae (Don't be scared off by the character selection, it's got some really sweet NaruGaa moments and there are certain points in Sasuke's narration where you can't help but crack a smile.)

**Demonkin **by Kylecxx (Not new to fanfiction, but new to writing NaruGaa, his OTP. It's entertaining so far, so I'd say check it out and give him lots of nice constructive criticism.)

**the ghost of you **by Silentz (A short freaky-deaky story. Will have you thinking for a while.)

**Beyond Phantasmagoria **by Sioen (Yeah, this is a Death Note fic. But it's effing awesome to the max. Very good if you're into psychology.)

Finally, I've got a notice on behalf of a friend of mine. Genzetsu has announced that he wishes to do an anthology fic called **Stray** and is seeking participants. PM him for details.

Hope you enjoy this next chapter.

0o0

Shooting for a Home Run

0o0

Was it so hard for people to mind their own business? Obviously it was, because this damnable three-way call was inescapable. Technically he _could_ make a graceless exit, but then they would call him right back and yell at him for hanging up until he was deaf in the ear. There was always the 'I'm going through a tunnel' excuse, but he doubted he could pull that off due to the minor fact that this was his landline. Days like this made him wish that he'd never given them his phone number. Really, he loved the girls to pieces, but they couldn't stay out of his affairs for more than ten seconds. Did they not have their own lives to attend to? Could a man not keep a _few_ things to himself?

Given that one of his ladyfriends could kill him with her bare hands and the other had enough dirt on him to permanently drive him into a hermitic lifestyle, no.

"_Are you for real? You're going on a date with a black guy?"_

"For the millionth time, yes!"

If they asked that one more time, he was going to snap. Go on a straight-up homicidal rampage. Alibis would have to be made. Explanations that he had been in bed sleeping like a baby while his two closest friends were brutally axed to death would be given to the police. Disposing of the weapon could be a pain, though. There always seemed to be that one stupid, paranoid person who was watching outside, saying 'Yes, I did see someone suspicious at the bridge last week, he was gay and had red hair and drove a really fruity yellow Volkswagen Beetle. I think I know where he lives, while we're at it. Are you writing this down, officer?' He'd have to get rid of his clothes too. Burn them, he guessed. Seemed like the most thorough way to clean up the last loose ends. And if they found out the truth, then hey, at least he might get a nice prison boyfriend while he served two life sentences. Preferably one who could protect him when it was shower time. He made a mental note to invest in soap on a rope.

"_No need to get snippy,"_ Matsuri chided. _"Hey, does he have a big—"_

"Matsuri!" Gaara growled, heat flooding his face. Sometimes she could be so vulgar. It was hard to believe they had dated. They were so… unalike.

"_What? I was going to say heart."_

"_No, you weren't." _Tenten giggled and Gaara's aggravation only multiplied.

"I'm hanging up."

"_No! We'll cut it out, promise!"_

"_Don't hang up!"_

"Why are we even talking?" To be honest, he rather thought that this conversation was diving into the realms of stupidity. "I've told you everything there is to know."

Tenten seemed to think otherwise. _"Where are you going?"_

"I don't know."

"_What are you going to do?"_

"I don't know."

"_How far are you gonna let him get? A full run around the diamond?"_

"God, no! He'll think I'm a huge slut!" That was one thing he was sure about. No more random hook-ups, period. Especially if the person in question was a potential life partner.

"_Heavy petting?"_

"I don't even kiss on the first date!"

"_You're such a square, Gaara. Nothing but right angles. No wonder you haven't had a boyfriend in forever. You gotta have him wanting more, make him want you!"_

Gaara rolled his eyes. "If that's so, then what's your plan for you and Naruto?"

"_Depends on how nice he is. If he's as good as you say, then I might just have to follow him back to his place. Rawr."_

"No. No rawr."

"_What, jealous?"_ Tenten teased. _"Methinks you've still got a crush on him, Gar."_

Matsuri chuckled. _"She does make a good point, you know."_

"For starters, how am I going to look if I recommend you to him and you act like a total whore?"

"_I resent that statement, Gar."_

"_He's warm for Blondie's form."_

"I'm getting over it! It wasn't that huge of a thing anyway. He was cute, so what? Besides, I want things to go good with Killerbee."

"_Couldn't you have at least picked up someone who has a name that isn't so weird?"_

Gaara hung up immediately. Matsuri and Tenten could be such juveniles. They called him back as soon as they realized his line had gone dead.

"_What was that for?"_ they demanded in unison.

"You're not taking me seriously. I haven't been on a date in nearly a year and I'm worried that I'll screw up."

"_Then we'll make it a double date,"_ Tenten proposed.

"I'm dubious about that suggestion."

"_When hasn't a double date been a good idea?"_

"The better question is 'when _has _a double date been a good idea?'"

"_He's got you there, Tenny."_

"_Butt out of this for tonight, 'kay, Matsuri? I need a little one-on-one with Gar."_

"_Sure thing. Night."_

Both parties waited until they were certain that the other girl was off before resuming.

"_It's easier to break the ice that way. More people to talk to."_

"I don't know…"

"_What, scared I'll embarrass you?"_

"Exactly." He was almost surprised how quickly she'd hit the nail on the head.

"_I'm disappointed in your lack of faith in me. I would never do that to you."_

"Remember the first time you met Sai?"

"_No."_

"Of course not. You only said that I love chick flicks and that I watch 'The Notebook' every night and cry myself to sleep afterwards." God, that had been a humiliating evening.

"_It was a joke!"_

So she did remember. "Joke or not, Sai took it seriously. He searched my entire apartment because he wanted to see what was so great about it."

"_That's not __**that**__ bad."_

"He stole four pairs of my underwear."

"…_I take back what I said before."_

"Yeah."

"_How about I buy you some more for your birthday and make it up to you?"_

"Whatever."

"_So… Double date?"_

"Yeah, sure." No sense in fighting it. She would win eventually.

"_Cool. See you on Wednesday—wait, what are you going to wear?"_

Gaara hung up for a second and final time.

I0I0I0I0I

Consulting Tenten on his wardrobe may have been the smarter choice, because now he was in the middle of a clothing crisis. What style did Killerbee like? What colors should he wear? No red, it would clash with his hair and imply that his idea of a good time leant towards the more devious side of the spectrum. Green was too obvious. Blue? Maybe. Twice he had gone through his entire closet. Nix nought none. Not a single thing he was confident in wearing on his first real date in ages. Time to do it again.

Winter clothes would be a bit too much, though the colder months were fast approaching, and he cast them off to the side. Nothing overly casual would do. Polos were pompous and a button-up was too tempting to unbutton. He tossed things of interest on his bed, making split-second decisions while the plastic hangers clacked loudly. How could he have absolutely nothing suitable for a date? He was on the verge of a nervous breakdown when he saw it. A nice little burgundy jacket that fell about to mid-thigh with a matching belt that went comfortably around his waist. It had been a birthday gift from his sister last year. Surprisingly, she had managed to get him something good for once. Things were finally starting to go his way.

Cleaning up was a snap and by the time the impatient cabbie Tenten had summoned for them was laying heavy on the horn, he was floating out the door fresh and happy as a spring breeze.

"You look good," Tenten remarked as he buckled himself in. "That new?"

"No, I've never worn it until today. You don't think it's too much for a movie?"

"God, no. Theaters get ridiculously cold. And if it's not enough, there's always the option of cuddling up with him."

Gaara blushed at the thought. First dates made him extremely nervous and being forward did anything but ease his tension. "I don't know. Suggestions?"

"Other than the old standby of 'be yourself?' Don't be a cocktease."

"Changing your tune, are you? What happened to 'you have to make them want you'?"

"Well, you do. Balance it all out. Once you get him aching for you, you're good as gold. Don't work him up too much, though. Blowing up prematurely will be the end."

"I feel sorry for Naruto. You're going to eat him alive."

Sometimes Tenten liked to end her dates with a grand finale. Naturally she shared the stories of her conquests with her two best friends, despite the fact that one of them didn't care to hear them down to the very last nightmare-inducing detail. Listening to her boast of riding Naruto like a raging bull was the first thing on his list of activities that were enjoyable as getting teeth pulled.

"Lighten up, Gar. Focus on having a good time and let some inhibitions go. Life's a party. I'd hate to be the one who let you miss out."

Gaara considered this analogy and prayed that the punch hadn't been spiked.

I0I0I0I0I

The cab ride between the other half of the party followed a similar nature. Sort of.

"Think you'll get her in the sack?"

"How long have you been gay?"

"Since I graduated high school. Her name is Tenten, right?"

"How come I didn't notice it?"

"You obviously want to talk about this." Killerbee sighed, looking out at the city lights. His mother had had the same reaction. "And I still enjoy women, I simply prefer men."

"But you're—"

"No."

"And Gaara is—"

"It's not a one-size fit all thing."

"…Why?"

"No one will ever understand you as much as someone of your own gender. Trying to explain the way you are to someone who isn't is like describing colors to the blind. They can try, but they won't really get it. But I know that a guy can emphasize with me completely. For me, men have provided some of the most intimate, passionate relationships I've ever had. Pleasing them is easier too. We're not so complicated in that department." He smiled mischievously.

"That makes a freakish amount of sense. Keep talking like that and you could almost convince me that kissing dudes isn't so bad." Keyword: almost.

"Wasn't trying to, but whatever. Do what makes you happiest, so long as it's within legal boundaries."

"Man, you're calm. You've really got things figured out, don't you?"

"I wouldn't say that."

I0I0I0I0I

They all made it to the Galaxy Theater roughly at the same time, the vehicle that had been transporting Gaara and Tenten arriving on scene later than they had originally planned. The men didn't seem to mind, they were focused on a game of pinball. Naruto was hunched over the machine, peering intently at the world beneath the glass. Fingers fluttered wildly at the buttons, the flippers matching his erratic pace. Sweat dripped from his brow and his body pressed harder against the machine, his jeans seeking to meld with it. Blue danced after the shiny silver ball, tracking its route with eagle-eyed keenness. Killerbee was at his side in silent support, watching the points rack up. Naruto rocked his hips, thrusting his groin to make the machine shake to avoid a disastrous end.

Tenten gave Gaara a smile that could only be called obscene, aura shining in sheer delight. "Bet you wish you could trade places with that machine, don't cha?"

"Shut up, you." Gaara kicked her.

"I guess that I'm the lucky girl tonight. I hope he's got a party in his pants, because I'm inviting myself whether he likes it or not."

"Don't be gross, Tenten."

"I could videotape it for you."

"No! You're such a freak!"

"Why, thank you! I was wondering when you'd catch on."

"I don't even know why we're friends."

"You know you love me."

"Let's get this over with."

Gaara strode forward, eyes on his prize. Killerbee was the first to notice them, Naruto lost in his game.

"Hello again, Gaara. I presume that you're Tenten?" He offered his hand to her and she took it exuberantly.

"You're tall. I bet if I climbed on your back, I could see my apartment."

"Thanks."

"Does that guy have a pink afro?" Gaara pointed towards the concession stand and when Killerbee turned to look, he swiftly kicked Tenten in the leg again and hissed, "Talk to your own damn date."

"Sheesh, I was just saying hi. No need to get all bitchy about it, Gar."

Killerbee craned his neck, searching for the mystical relic of decades past. "I don't see him. He must have left."

"Yeah, that's too bad." Gaara gave Tenten one final warning look before Killerbee turned around. "Ready to see the movie?"

"Yeah, let me get him." Killerbee tapped Naruto. "C'mon, they're here."

"Buh." Naruto grunted, mouth agape and expression vacant.

"We have to pick a movie."

"Buh."

Knowing that this could go on all night if she let them, Tenten remedied the situation by leaning in silently and giving him a sharp pinch on the butt. He jumped with a howl, hands flying to the assaulted appendage. The ball plunged to its doom and the game ended.

"What the hell, man?"

"Gaara did it." Tenten pointed to her redheaded friend, passing the blame like a pro.

"What?" He most certainly did not have the guts to pinch a straight man on the ass, let alone one that could punch him into the stratosphere!

"Dude, not cool. I was kickin' ass."

"I didn't—"

"You got the high score. Nice." Tenten beamed at her date.

"Seriously? Oh, awesome." Naruto entered the initials 'N' 'U' 'N' to stake his claim to fame. "Another successful conquest by the Pinball Wizard. Back home, I had the top three scores on every machine in the arcade."

"Cool. What's with the initials? Nun? Like 'The Flying Nun'?"

"Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze. I was a bastard child. Both of my parents gave me their last names on the birth certificate."

"Is that so? Gaara knows a little something about that, don't ya? His old man got his mom preggers, so they ended up getting married." Who'd've thought the two had something in common besides their gender?

"Tenten!"

"Oops. Looks like I've gone and put my foot in my mouth again." Tenten gave Gaara an apologetic look.

"Can we have a minute?"

"Sure, whatever. We'll grab the tickets." Naruto was ready to amscray. There was no pleasure to be gained by watching two people argue.

Gaara glowered at Tenten. Truly glowered. He'd read the word in books before, but he'd never actually done it until this exact moment. "Really? You're starting things off with my family history?"

"It slipped out. I won't do it again, I swear."

"Try not to."

Tenten didn't have much of a chance to spill the beans anyway, they were soon in the theater and viewing the flick that had been chosen. It was an adaptation of some horror novella and Gaara wasn't particularly enjoying it. The director had decided to be liberal with the gore and Gaara felt ill watching the gallons of fake blood spattering across the screen. He'd take Audrey Hepburn in _The Children's Hour_ over this any day of the week. On the other hand, Naruto and Tenten were having a ball, cheering whenever a fresh wave of the crimson elixir hit the ground, laughing and cheering on the monster wholeheartedly. Gaara couldn't tell whose side Killerbee was on, but he wanted to go home badly.

Dignity long tossed to the winds, he had buried his face into his date's arm so he wouldn't have to watch the onscreen horrors, though listening was nearly worse. Alternating between the two evils was the only way he could stomach it, snatching a gruesome peek now and again when the noises proved to be too frightening.

"Hey."

Gaara cracked one eye up at his date.

"Let's get out of here."

Nodding numbly, Gaara rose alongside Killerbee and squeezed their way through the narrow aisle, whispering hurried apologies to the patrons whose movie experience they were interrupting. The other half of their group didn't register their departure, joyous at another kill.

Outside was marvelous, polluted though the air may be.

"Thanks for getting me out of there. I'm not squeamish or anything, but fake blood really gets to me. It seems so unnecessary." This was true. He had no problem dissecting frogs and rats in his biology classes—though most of those had already had their blood removed—but he couldn't stand horror movies at all.

"Trust me, I feel the same. Want to grab a bite?"

"Yeah."

"Hotdog?" Killerbee gestured toward the stand down the street.

"No, I'm not a fan of processed meat."

"Good. I don't eat pork anyway. Raised Muslim. I might not be practicing anymore, but I still can't bring myself to eat it. I've got this fear that I'll burn up from the inside out if I do." He laughed dismissively. "It's silly."

"Well, you're not missing much. Pork is overrated in my opinion."

"I like you, Gaara." Killerbee smiled. "Where do you want to eat?"

"Sushi is good." Expensive, yes. But he could get full on less than what normal people did, so it would be cheaper to do this rather than order a restaurant-sized meal for twice as much.

"I know a good little place on 107th. Feel like a walk?"

"Absolutely."

The night was good, a few stars not subdued by the city lights twinkling in the sky. They strolled beside one another casually, keeping a safe distance between them to fight temptation. Gaara's morale increased with each step they took, attraction solidifying in his brain. He would have to be crazy to pass up a great guy like this. Follow-up dates may be in order. The restaurant was small, only a bar surrounding the revolving conveyor belt that the two chefs steadily piled food onto. The price system was simple, as the sign hanging above them pointed out. Items on red plates cost one dollar, blue a dollar fifty. They took their seat, glancing briefly at a menu before unanimously deciding that they should grab whatever looked good. Gaara started out with salmon roe and striped bass, Killerbee opting for octopus and king crab.

"You actually like octopus?" Gaara couldn't stifle his astonishment.

"Yeah."

"It's not too chewy or rubbery for you?"

"No." Killerbee pilfered a pair of cheap disposable chopsticks offered to the customers and deftly raised the cold slice to his mouth, chewing on it thoughtfully. "I like octopuses. They're interesting. Intelligent and strong, always changing their shape and color. I think they're like people, only we just don't realize it because we can't see past the tentacles. Cuttlefish are the most interesting in that family, though. You should see them in action."

"I never pegged you as a fish guy." Gaara scooped a bit of the bright red eggs into his mouth, relishing them as they popped satisfyingly under his teeth in short, briny bursts. "More of a big dog lover."

"I hate to sound pretentious, but octopuses and cuttlefish and squids aren't fish. They're cephalopods. Completely different."

"I see." Well, that was a surprise. There was a brain under all that brawn.

Killerbee smiled sheepishly. "I have a bachelor's in marine biology. Going for my master's now. Sorry if you were expecting someone who was less of a…"

"Nerd? That's okay." Gaara leaned in, sly as could be, resting his hand on his date's knee. "I think it's kind of cute. I like a man in glasses."

Killerbee blushed darkly and turned his head away, clearing his throat repeatedly. So Tenten's advice had some merit. Listening to her might not be so bad once in a while.

"How's the sushi?" the artificial blonde quickly changed the subject from himself.

"Good. How does a city guy become a marine biologist?"

"My parents would always drop me off at a pet store or a zoo whenever I got too restless. Something never ceased to intrigue me about the fish. The way they flickered when the light caught them right, the strange colors and patterns they had, I found it fascinating. I bought books on fish, watched television programs that featured them, anything that had to do with sea life, I wanted it. Eventually I ended up with a twenty gallon saltwater tank in my bedroom. Maman hated the smell. She complained about it day and night, said that I should be studying my Koran like a good boy."

"How big is a twenty gallon tank?"

Killerbee spread his arms to roughly show the distance. "Not that bad, right?"

"I think I'd have to agree with your mother. That's a lot of fish."

"Not solely fish. Anemones and shrimp and sponges too. Whatever caught my fancy at the time, I put in the tank. But my brother and I went to visit our uncle for our spring break senior year and when I came home, Maman told me that she had flushed all my fish and the tank was on the curb. It killed me. I worked a pizzeria to get the money to pay for my whole setup and she threw it away like it was nothing. Do you know how much a clownfish costs?"

"A lot?"

"Considering that you only get a single small fish, yes. Now imagine that times a hundred. After that, Maman let me keep a beta, but that was it. One sad little fish that turns circles in a vase and makes bubble nests for a mate he'll never have."

"Why not buy him a female?"

"Betas are unpredictable. They can become quite violent. Mostly it's when two males are together, but they don't really discriminate. Maman actually gave me a pair, but one of them killed the other as soon as they found each other. She got mad at me, of course." He winced slightly. "My relationship with my family isn't the best, if you couldn't tell by now. It doesn't help that Karui intends to pester me till the day the sky cracks open and fire rains down until I go home with her and Rai."

"Sisters can be such a pain," Gaara agreed, taking another plate off the conveyor belt.

"You have one?"

"Older. From my dad's first marriage. It lasted a good thirteen months before she dumped Temari with dad and headed straight to Vegas. I guess it's ironic because that's where they got married." As an afterthought he added, "Showgirl, in case you were wondering."

"Ah, Vegas. I'm sure it's a lovely place, but I have no desire to visit it."

"Amen to that. The sun's always on your back and the desert is reclaiming its territory faster than you can say 'Sigfried and Roy'."

"I'd like to go to the Caribbean. Or maybe Australia. They've got lovely reefs."

Gaara stacked his three empty plates and laid down the money. "Do I get to come with?"

"If you're nice to me, I'll consider it."

"Mind if I walk you home?"

"I'd like that very much, Gaara."

I0I0I0I0I

Tenten and Naruto only became aware of their companions' departure as they exited the theater, still giddy after the splatterfest had ended. Both shrugged it off and decided to forego the obvious choice of a dinner, heading for Naruto's place instead. Sasuke was dead asleep when they came in, passed out on the couch with a PS3 controller making a deep red impression in the side of his face. Naruto removed it as delicately as he could, not wishing to wake his roommate. When Sasuke got woken up against his will, he tended to be in a murderous mood.

Naruto and his date made their way back to the bedroom, slipping out of their clothes as they went, meeting on the sheets without a single word. Neither were big on foreplay, so after a bit of heated kissing they went straight to the main event. It was good. Better than good, actually. Fantastic.

Eventually Sasuke managed to muster up enough energy to drag himself off the couch and toss a vase at the boinking blonde's head for making too much noise, but it missed and Naruto disregarded it totally. He was the Energizer bunny.

He just kept going and going and going…

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara felt nervous sweat beading on his back. What if this friendly escort service was taken the wrong way by his date? Killerbee hadn't done anything to indicate that he should be wary, talking about fish and getting another tattoo with Naruto sometime soon, but he could be playing it cool. Biding his time until they were at the door. Despite his apprehension, he found himself following Killerbee into the hotel he was staying at while his apartment building was being fumigated. Even as the man called the elevator, he was by his side. They entered together. The door closed with a pleasant ding. No going back now.

"Tonight was fun, Gaara. We should do it again."

Gaara licked his lips. They felt desperately dry. "Yeah."

Between them was a gap of only a foot or so. Killerbee took a step forward, closing some of the distance. Gaara could smell his aftershave, strong and bold mixed with the sushi scent and his natural musk. Killerbee's eyes were filled to the brink with longing, seeking permission to complete the night. Gaara bridged the difference completely, allowing his lithe body to brush against the powerful man before him. He looked up, uncertain of what would happen next.

Cupping Gaara's cheeks in his hands, Killerbee bent down and kissed him deeply, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose to bump his date's. Angling his head so that the biologist could have the best access to him, Gaara sighed as Killerbee's arms found their way to his waist, drawing him closer. Warmth radiated from their bodies, mingling as Gaara twined his own arms around Killerbee's neck, wanting to laugh as the beard and moustache combo tickled his chin and cheeks. Self-consciousness faded like everything else and when the elevator stopped on the designated floor, Killerbee groped at the panel and gave it a new destination without breaking the kiss.

Sucking in occasional breaths through his nose was good and well, but Gaara found his body couldn't take much more of it after an unnumbered amount of minutes and fifteen random floor changes. They broke apart, panting lightly, faces flushed and lips kiss-bruised. Once more they were at Killerbee's floor. Gaara could feel the man's arousal beginning to stir. He took a step back, straightening the burgundy jacket.

"Call me."

"I intend to."

Killerbee gave him a final parting kiss, short and sweet, letting the elevator door close behind him as he went to his room. Gaara felt flustered the entire way down. He had just made out with a man in an elevator where anyone could have found them. Something totally unlike himself.

Seems that he could kiss on the first date after all.

0o0

Well, the chapter was kinda on time and that's what counts! Hope you enjoyed it.

And I think I mentioned this to a couple of you in replies, but Killerbee isn't Killerbee's real name. No sane person would name their child that. If Gaara has another encounter with Karui or meets Killerbee's roommate, then you'll find out what it is then.

P.S. If you've got some time to kill, you can try and guess who Bee's roommate is. First guess is the one that counts and if you can figure out who his roommate is or what he majors in, then you can have the next chapter dedicated to you. Here's a hint: he's a scientist too, but he doesn't deal with nonliving things. And another: He hasn't shown up or been mentioned in the fic so far.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	6. Side Story: Dirty Laundry

Broke Straight Guys

Hey there. I really liked this scenario when I came up with it, but I couldn't figure out how to put it into the rest of the story without it being awkward. Also, I didn't feel like writing an entire 20-something page 'real' chapter. So I decided to do this little side story. There'll probably be more in the future.

Random fic recs:

**Pretty Little Homicide** by inu-spike (What. The. Hell. How are people missing this awesomeness? Crime, drama, and a lot of murder—classy but hard-hitting, mind you, not gross-you-out gruesome. What else could you ask for?)

**Fetish? What's a Fetish? **By Brightsyde (Need a good laugh after **Pretty Little Homicide**? Go here. It is wonderfully absurd. Yeah, it's het. But you'll get over it by the time you get to the flying tampons and pimp battles. Yes, flying tampons. Don't ask. Just read.)

**Torrid **by KageKitsune XXX (A really good NaruSasu with a lot of things going for it. She manages to add another layer to all of the characters' relationships with each new chapter and you can't help but find one character you like and cheering like hell for them. As for me, I'm hoping for Neji. XD)

Dedications: Celtic for guessing what KBee's roommate does and sukenarufan09 for catching a very stupid mistake I made last chapter.

Guesses for KBee's roommate are still happily accepted. Here's another hint: It's not Shino.

0o0

Side Story: Dirty Laundry

0o0

The door had barely finished closing when he sprung into action. Locking the aforementioned door was first in his line of business. Ransacking his backpack rewarded him with the DVD he'd purchased from the bargain bin at Medusa's and he eagerly fed the tray of the player, swapping the TV input so that he could supply himself with the doctor-recommended amount of Vitamin S. With great finesse, he proceeded to strip down to his barest form, leaving his briefs on. For some reason he liked to be wearing underwear when he began, though he wasn't entirely sure why. He snagged the remote, selected play and the movie started up.

The plot—plot? what plot?—was simple. A hot girl ordered a pizza. She got a hunky delivery guy who had a huge dong as an added bonus. Cliché, hell yeah. But it was pornography, for crying out loud. The video's title was _Extra Large Sausage_. Who really cared? Surely not him.

Seating himself on the couch as comfortably as he could manage, he pulled out his crank and began to work it, smoothing over the awakening flesh with unscented lotion he had set aside for this moment. The pizza boy was strutting about like he was the cock of the rock, while the girl—Puerto Rican, perhaps—unleashed her massive modified mammories for his viewing delight. Naruto felt himself wilt a bit as the silicon implants remained impressively immobile as she straddled the man to give him a proper lap dance. What was up with porn girls and boob jobs? Mother Nature's gifts weren't enough for them? His annoyance was forgotten quickly because she had a bodacious behind and he zeroed in on that instead, shedding his underwear totally.

The guy took her to the bedroom and she laid on her back, showing off the warm patch between her legs, wet and ready to be plowed into like a field that needed tilling. Naruto began stroking faster, his cock positively lit up with sensation. There was nothing like porn on a slow day to remedy boredom.

The pizza guy put it in her.

The door opened.

"Turns out I—what the fuck are you doing!"

One of Naruto's hands scrambled to find the remote to stop the movie while the other picked a dirty sock up off the floor to cover his boner with. The remote seemed so far away. He couldn't make the noises, that moaning and groaning, stop. "You said you had class!"

"My teacher got clipped by a bus and no subs could be called in! Why are you jacking off on my couch?" God, what if he had done this before? Who knew what tricks Naruto got up to when he wasn't home? Sasuke knew he could never look at his couch the same way again.

"Our couch, asshole."

"Does it matter? What, your new girlfriend didn't let you get off the last time she was over?" She _should_ have, given all the damn noise they made whenever they got together. It was nearly impossible to sleep at night when they were going at it like wild animals.

"Shut up, Sasuke. Go find something to do for twenty minutes and let me finish off."

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. This is my TV. I paid for it. I'll do whatever the hell I want with it." Sasuke dropped his backpack where he stood and tossed his jacket on top of it. The Puerto Rican was giving it her all, making Jenna Jameson sound like a hungry kitten in comparison. "Move your shit out of the way."

"Why?"

Sasuke gestured to the bulge in his jeans. Stupid horny blonde with his stupid bargain bin porn… "Move your shit."

Naruto pushed his clothes off the couch and Sasuke took their place. The brunette made quick work of his pants and boxers, letting his balls catch a breeze. Out of a nest of dark, springy curls jutted forth a lengthy piece of meat, the head glistening silvery-white with eager precum. He hadn't gotten off in ages. His last piece of internet porn work seemed like an eon ago and he didn't have a girlfriend to relieve himself with regularly. With his fingertip he smeared the precum across his head, massaging the sensitive spot beneath it to send a pleasured shiver run down his spine. Ah, fuck! It really had been too long. He propped one leg up on the arm rest and pressed hard on the spot he'd been fingering to make his diaphragm tighten involuntarily, jackknifing a short breath as his semi-hard dick began to awaken fully.

Naruto, of course, had to ruin the moment. "Jesus! You're not cut!"

"What are you looking at my dick for, queer?" Sasuke growled, narrowing his thundering eyes at his roommate.

"It's like an anteater or something! That's freaking weird!"

Sasuke scoffed. How ignorant. "Says you. You have no idea how awesome it is."

To prove his point, he pulled the skin taut over his prick and then relaxed his grip, letting it slip down slightly to enhance the sweet friction between the two. Repetition made his delight multiply. His eyes were glued to the screen, the extra skin rising and falling as he took in the Hispanic beauty, hips rolling languidly with the casual strokes. He was going to cum so hard… He just knew it. Going this many weeks without an orgasm meant for a lot of pent-up energy. The volcano had been dormant and it was going to erupt today whether that idiot agreed with it or not. It was his fault for bringing his porn out in the first place.

"Dude, this is practically a circle jerk. We haven't done that since we were like what, fourteen?"

Sasuke, irritated that the moron was distracting him from his bliss, said, "Shut up, moron. Just shut up."

Naruto figured that if he couldn't beat Sasuke and make him get out of the apartment so that he could enjoy the rest of the movie in peace, there was no shame in joining him. "Hey bastard, whoever gets off first gets the TV for the rest of the day. You in?"

"Just don't cry when you lose."

Naruto began stroking his cock once more, making up for lost time with lightning fast strokes to bring him closer to complete sensory overload. He imagined it was Tenten's touch on his heated flesh, handling him with the skill she handled her weapons with, her tongue flickering at the tip coyly. He grunted, thinking of all the dirty things he could say to her that he couldn't role-play now with Sasuke beside him. In his other hand he clenched the sock, soft in his palm and at the ready. Flushed red with blood, his manhood throbbed hotly in his grip. It wouldn't be much longer.

Sasuke was just as close. His attention was long gone from the video, purely resting in sensation now: each little breeze on his massively sensitive skin bringing him that much closer to the moment, his nipples hard under his shirt, his cock hurrying him onward, compelling him to increase the speed of his strokes to drive him over the edge. He fondled his swollen, aching sack, heavy with unused sperm waiting to escape, wanting to empty it now now _now_ but unable to.

The air was thick with their combined musk, keying into their primal bases and propelling them further still. The liquid arousal that had been pooling in their bellies wound tighter and tighter, their cocks drooling out precum at a furious rate. They teetered on the edge, balls drawing closer to their bodies in anticipation. Naruto felt his glans flare, roaring like a wounded tiger, hand shifting the sock upward to soak up his jizz. Shuddering silently, Sasuke relished the small pulse in his dick, toes curling to dig into the couch as he pinched his foreskin tightly shut over his piss slit, filling the skin with cum. The aftershocks rendered them useless for a few breathless seconds, nerves firing off in delight sporadically.

"I win, bastard!" Naruto crowed in triumph, thoroughly wiping his dick off with the sock. Wasn't quite as gentle as a tissue, but it was good enough.

"No way." Sasuke paused to catch a fresh breath. The one that he'd held throughout his orgasm had gone stale. "I won."

"That's crap and you know it."

"All I know is that you lost." Sasuke looked over at his roommate, eyeing the thing he was holding with a mix of what could be considered disdain and slight nausea. "…Is that my sock?"

"What? No!" Naruto flipped the sock over, checking the toe. In black Sharpie, an 'S' was scribbled. S for Sasuke. Oh.

The look of dawning fear on Naruto's face confirmed his worst nightmare. "You sick fuck! You jizzed in my sock!"

Sasuke tackled Naruto, sending both of them flying off the couch onto the hard floor. He tried to pin the built blonde and retrieve his soiled sock, meeting resistance at every attempt. They flailed and grappled noisily across the ground long enough for their downstairs neighbor to get tired of it and crank up some Children of Bodom to drown them out. All was fine and well until Naruto felt something warm and liquid working its way down his thigh. He looked at the slight rift between them and immediately began to struggle more fiercely.

"Dude! Get off! Your dick is dripping on me!"

"Give me my sock, jackass!"

Sasuke stretched himself further over the blonde, one hand planted firmly on his shoulder, the other clawing for the sock that Naruto was playing keep-away with. Realizing that this would get nowhere until one of them surrendered to the other, Naruto flung his free arm up and snared Sasuke in a chokehold, tightening slowly and deliberately like a python. Oxygen depleting, the brunette began to jerk himself backward, trying to escape the hold with little success. Blood flow now deprived of what kept him going, his attacking arm went slack and blackness began to haze in the corners of his vision. Finally he collapsed and Naruto released him. Both of their faces were flushed and they were breathing heavy.

In their odd couple, Naruto had the physical advantage most of the time. Sasuke tended to be more conniving and underhanded in his tactics. Frankly, the guy could hold a grudge like hell. Once Naruto had called his brother an elitist dick and Sasuke patiently waited until three weeks after the blonde had said it and then forgotten that he had, then snuck into Naruto's bedroom while he was sleeping and put a mouse in his underwear. The sounds of the blonde screaming like a little girl made his coffee taste that much sweeter that day.

"Jesus, Sasuke…" Naruto panted. "It's just a sock."

"It's _my_ sock. Go fuck up one of your own socks."

Another sweaty, awkward moment passed.

"Get up, bastard. I need to wash your stupid cum off me."

"Don't be such a whiny bitch. Give it to me."

There was a loud, harsh clatter. They looked toward their door, where they discovered a very shell-shocked Gaara standing in the frame. Green eyes tried to take in the situation rationally, but didn't know what to think of this unexpected scenario. Sasuke and Naruto stared back at him, mostly naked and absolutely bewildered. A plastic bag from a liquor shop down the street with a twelve pack of cheap beer now lay on the ground at Gaara's feet where he had dropped it. They all stared at each other for a good minute.

Gaara's face exploded a crimson red deeper than his hair as he added things up. Two hot sweaty guys plus an extremely compromising position multiplied by a fair amount of cum equaled… Well, let's just say his pants were starting to be a bit on the tight side. All of his education went flying out of his head promptly. "Uh… U-um… This is kinda… Um… I mean, um… I, uh…"

"It's not what it looks like!" Naruto quickly wriggled out from underneath Sasuke and got up to approach Gaara. "Honestly, I—"

Gaara couldn't hear a single thing that the blonde was saying. His mind was blank except for: 'Naked Naruto. Naked Naruto. Naked cum-covered Naruto and he's coming towards me, oh god!' Then, as Naruto became close enough to touch him, his thoughts jammed up completely. He could only hear his own shallow breathing. What would Tenten think if she heard about this? 'Oh, went to your boyfriend's place today, I think he had sex with that cute roommate of his, is that alright with you?' 'Sure Gar, that's fine.' Not going to happen. She'd probably kill Naruto, Sasuke, and him all in one go. This would have to be their dirty little secret.

Naruto reached out, intending to make him understand.

"I won't say anything to Tenten, I swear! Sorry!"

And with that, he tore off down the hallway as if his life depended on it.

"…Did you lock the door when you came in, Sasuke?"

"No." Sasuke immediately went for the TV and turned off the porn, which was rolling credits.

Naruto picked up the beer that Gaara dropped and brought it inside. "Well, at least we get free beer out of it."

Sasuke scoffed and turned his nose up at it. "That stuff is like horse piss."

"Beer is beer, Sasuke." Naruto ripped open one side of the case and got out a can. It opened with a satisfying hiss. He gulped down half of it in a single go. "Man, that hits the spot!"

"You have no sense of taste."

Naruto tossed him a can. "Shut up and drink. Be grateful that Gaara thought of you."

"I'm sure he was thinking of me a lot right then. Did you see his hard-on?"

"Stop making shit up, you ego-freak. Gaara did not have a boner. You're helping me explain this later."

"Like hell." Sasuke took a sip and made a face at the drink. Definitely not his thing.

Naruto finished his beer and gave a gratifying belch. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Don't use up all the hot water this time."

"Up yours."

Sasuke poured the rest of his beer into the sink and tossed the can into the trash. "I'm going to make myself a real drink."

"Don't drink all my Jack." Naruto glared at him.

Sasuke shot him the bird and mixed a Jack & Coke.

"I hate you so much."

"The feeling is mutual."

Naruto ducked into the bathroom, only to come back out a couple of seconds later and say, "Want to play basketball later?"

"No. Soccer?"

"Fine. Hey, remember the time we played when we were totally smashed and you kept tripping over the ball?"

"You only remind me every week."

"C'mon, it was funny!"

"It was a year ago."

"No time limit on humor."

"Then how about the time I took you to church in seventh grade? Remember that? You threw up on the priest when he offered you the crackers and wine so he thought you were possessed and he made a big scene trying to exorcise a demon from you and we all called you Satan for the rest of the year?"

"Oh come on, that was ages ago!"

"Begone, Satan!"

Naruto retreated into bathroom, grumbling angrily about how no one respected him. Sasuke smirked and drank his Jack & Coke. Some things never changed. Their relationship might be dysfunctional as anything could possibly be, but for them, it worked.

0o0

Ahh… I'm not sure what the point of this was. Perhaps to tease all my lovely readers? Get some of you back on board because you're missing the Gaara x Naruto? To entice with a smidgen of Naruto x Sasuke while we're at it? Yeah, both of those sound about right.

Side note: Just had my 5th fanfiction anniversary. I don't know whether I should be cheering or crying at the fact that I've been doing this for five years now.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	7. Side Story: Bait Bus

Broke Straight Guys

Howdy there, folks. You seemed pretty receptive to the last side story, so here's another! (I know, you probably wish I'd move on with the main story, but… Yeah.)

So, a few of you have been wondering how exactly Sasuke got into the gay porn business. And a few more of you have been wondering why he hates Neji with the fiery passion of a thousand white hot suns. Hopefully this will answer all of your questions.

Dedications: **Redfaerie, JessMess, callmeBaby'08', gaaralover1989, DarkAngelJudas, TigrezzTail, Catastrophic Monsoon, XxTaintedxDaggerxX, Lilith G. Astroll, ScarletRonove, Kratos the Divine, Runadaemon, falltotemptaionx, YinKeket, Reginleifthevalkyrie, Poison Nail Polish, **and **Shire Fay** for being super special awesome and commenting on the last chapter.

0o0

Side Story: Bait Bus

0o0

Lady Luck was most certainly not on Sasuke Uchiha's side today. For starters, he was pretty sure a couple of his toes were broken. A bicycle page had run over his foot as he left the bakery with a half a dozen doughnuts he'd bought for his roommate as an apology for smashing his alarm clock and not waking him up on time for work. Being a light sleeper—something Naruto often laughed at—was a curse when he had to live with that idiot and his stupid clock going off every day at the crack of dawn. Then his car had gotten towed because apparently he parked on the wrong side of the street at the wrong time. He realized that particular incident could go either way on the scale of good or bad, considering that his mode of transportation was a 1971 Ford Pinto and he was increasingly skittish about driving it, given that he was one rear-end crash away from going out in a glorious blaze. He got off on the wrong stop when he was on the train because some redheaded faggot had been eyeing him ever since he got on and it was freaking him out. Now he had no idea where he was in the city and it had started raining.

At least the doughnuts were still fine.

He had taken refuge in a bus shelter, but had no change for a transport and he'd left his bus pass in his other coat. He was pretty sure this was a universal FU from some deity or another that he'd unintentionally pissed off. Definitely a day that would've been better spent in bed.

"Hey!"

Sasuke looked up to find a van before him, painted dark grey and blue. A woman stuck her head out the window. "Need a ride?"

"Uh…" She seemed friendly enough, but one could never bee too careful in this city.

"Come on! Don't be a stranger."

The rain didn't look like it intended to let up anytime soon. If anything, it was coming down even harder than before, relentlessly pounding the pavement in a heavy torrent. Sasuke stood up and the door slid open, revealing two men in the middle and an absurdly attractive girl in the back. Sasuke was immediately glad he'd made this decision. He climbed into the back and settled down beside her. She smiled pleasantly at him and he allowed himself to do the same in return. Her hair was an orangey-red and it was plain to see that it was genuine. You didn't see something like that often. Sasuke found that he rather liked it.

"So, what's a nice guy like you doing out here?" asked the woman driving, hair dyed a wild electric blue.

Sasuke relayed his sordid tale as they cruised, glad to realize that the girl sitting next to him seemed interested. She laughed at the small jokes he made, even if they were stupid, and she asked him what he did for a living and flipped her hair to expose her neck. According to the gossip columns that Sakura left over at their place—which he only read when he'd had a particularly filling meal and ended up on the toilet for an hour to clean out his colon—that was a sign that a girl was ready for some action. And he felt he was raring for some of that right about now, having spent most of the day gravitating towards disaster.

"Hey…" she purred, resting her hand on his groin with a boldness that he'd never seen outside of a strip club. "Want some head?"

"What?" Sweet Jesus, she did not just offer to give him oral in the back of a van. The rest of the passengers didn't seem fazed in the least.

Her hand squeezed his dick sweetly. "Didn't you hear me?"

This just got weird. "I did, but… This seems like something the police would do to catch a pervert."

She pouted with her plump lips. "Please. Do we honestly look like police?"

"That's what the police always say. I've seen Cops before."

The woman, who had introduced herself as Karin, held up her hand in a pledge. "I swear that I'm not a cop and that I'm doing this because I like you, not for money."

"But still—"

Bored with bickering, she unzipped his pants and admired his equipment with deep appreciation. He immediately submitted, glad that he had decided to not wear underwear today. "Close your eyes and relax. I'll take care of you."

Sasuke, feeling strangely calm, let his eyes slide shut as he heard her seatbelt unbuckle. She pulled his warm manhood out of the reach of the ravenous zipper teeth—Sasuke can't help but notice that her hands are somewhat cold and her fingers larger than he had imagined—and set to work immediately. Wonderings of whether or not he should've put on a condom flew completely out of his head and all he could do was stroke that thick, silky red hair of hers in encouragement.

She sucked like a pro, her lips planting sticky kisses on his wet head before gulping it down and using her tongue to play with it, flickering at his most sensitive spots. Mindful of his foreskin, she pulled it down so her teeth wouldn't nick it and permanently mar his cock. Occasionally she would pause to take in a long breath through her nose. Her apology for this hiatus was to take him balls-deep and tighten her throat around his rigid length to drive him crazy. Sasuke gritted his teeth and rolled his hips, forcing himself further down her throat. She choked a bit, so he backed off and let her do her own thing.

None of the other occupants of the vehicle said a word concerning their lewd actions. It was startling. Was this such a common occurrence that they no longer cared about what transpired in the backseat? Maybe this girl was a prostitute, not a police officer. God only knows how many STDs she might have. That killed his boner a little.

He opened his eyes and what he saw made his jaw drop.

The redheaded girl wasn't the one sucking him off. It was another passenger and despite the long hair, Sasuke was pretty sure this person was a guy.

"What the FUCK?" Sasuke cursed, trying to break away frantically. This was so wrong in so many ways it wasn't even remotely funny. "Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Okay, Neji, that's enough," the driver said and Sasuke realized that the other middle-row passenger was recording this.

"Put that fucking camera down!"

The camera went down and Sasuke looked down at this 'Neji' person. To his surprise, he wasn't feminine at all. He had the cold beauty of an elven prince, accentuated by his shocking amethyst eyes. His facial structure had a delicate harshness to it, with high cheekbones that gave him an abstemious air. Sasuke had to admit, for a guy he wasn't that bad-looking and seemed vaguely familiar somehow, in the way that he thought they'd locked gazes at a party once or twice. That didn't mean he was any less pissed.

"What's your fucking problem, man?"

"It's something we do for fun," said the man holding the camera, which he had trained on Sasuke again. "We pick up people who we find on the street and make them an offer. We'll give you two hundred dollars if you fuck him."

Sasuke mentally corrected a previous thought. _Now _things were getting weird. "No."

"Two fifty."

"No."

"Three hundred and you get to fuck her—" He pointed at Karin. "—any way you want."

Sasuke looked at the girl, who shifted so that he could see up her skirt. She wasn't wearing any panties. "Is he bullshitting me?"

"No, it's a hundred percent legit. Plus, it turns me on. I've always had this thing for guys sleeping with other guys. I think it's sexy when a man can go past the limits of his comfort zone."

He had never gotten to nail a redhead before and he wanted to seize the opportunity. But was boning a gay guy the way to do it? "…And I get you any way I want?"

"I don't do shit or piss, but yeah, pretty much. Besides, who'll ever know?"

Sound logic, he figured. This wasn't exactly the sort of thing that people broadcasted. "What about the camera?"

"I keep the tapes. You know… for when I'm lonely at home and need a little pick-me-up."

"Come on, big boy." Neji tickled Sasuke's scrotum. "Fuck me and make the pretty girl happy."

"Don't push your luck." Sasuke shot the queer a dirty look and pulled out his wallet. From it he selected a condom for himself. He didn't much fancy the prospect of getting a nasty STD from someone he wasn't even remotely interested in. He'd had gonorrhea once and he wasn't raring to get it again.

Neji gave a mock shiver. "You're ice cold, cutie. Is that what you were aiming for?"

"Shut up now." He rolled the condom onto his cock, uncertainly at half-mast. It was looking forward to this about as much as he was.

"You're a real dick, you know that?"

"Well, it's a good thing you like dicks, then."

"You've got a smart mouth, sweet thing. Too bad you aren't putting it to a better use."

"Enough with the pet names!" Sasuke barked. He loathed monikers, even when they were coming from a girlfriend. "Keep it up and I'll throw myself out of this damn van."

"Then tell me your real name."

"It's Sasuke. Can we get this over with?"

"Hmm… Sasuke…" Neji sampled the word like it was a fine wine, letting it roll over his tongue to appraise the full flavor. "Nice to meet you, Sasuke."

Satisfied with the verbal foreplay, Neji began working his way out of his jeans. Sasuke imagined the reward he would receive so that he could get it up for this stupid thing. Somehow, it was a bit difficult, given that a man was undressing in front of him. Neji's thighs were pale, but toned. Likewise were his calves. Looked like a runner's legs. Before he could think on it any further, Sasuke's shoes and pants had disappeared and Neji teasingly shook a bare ass at him, trying to entice him closer. With a resigned sigh, Sasuke got on the ground, trying to find his balance in the still-moving vehicle. Neji passed him back a tube of anal lube.

"…What do you expect me to do with this?"

"You act like you've never used it." Obviously Neji had certain tasks that he wanted Sasuke to fulfill. It wasn't happening.

"I'm not sticking my fingers up your ass. Do it yourself."

"Fine. Spoilsport."

Neji, already on hands and knees, took the lubricant back and squeezed a liberal amount onto his palm. With a practiced ease, he reached around and smeared a glob of lube on his puckered hole. It flared at the cool gel, gulping in air that immediately came back as a soft, odorless fart. Sasuke crinkled his nose and looked at Karin to remind himself exactly why he was doing this in the first place. She flashed him a fresh peep of what was underneath her skirt, leading him onward like a horse with a carrot in front of its nose. His eyes once more found Neji's anus, which was being stretched by a duo of fingers. Being one who often received anal, he was loose enough to not need much preparation, but he made the ordeal into a show for the hell of it.

Neji slid the fingers in and out as deeply as he could, tossing his head back in a Hollywood moan. "Ohhh, Sasuke!"

"Are you done yet?"

"You're no fun at all. Lighten up, why don't you?"

Wishing nothing more than to get this ridiculous scenario finished with, Sasuke quickly removed Neji's fingers and inserted his dick instead. The brunette hissed lightly, tightening a tad around his unwilling lover. Sasuke began rocking his hips back and forth, delving deeper into Neji with each stroke, watching the sleek brown hair cascade down the other man's back, rippling on his skin like water. Now the moans were for real, throaty and passionate under Sasuke's ministrations.

"Uhhhn, ahhhh… Ahhh!" Neji loved the feeling of being full. Sasuke's cock was absolutely perfect, not too thick, just the right length. "Oh God, Sasuke! It's so fucking good!"

Not wishing to hear his name get called out by an unquestionably male voice, Sasuke found his center of gravity and used one of the hands he'd been keeping on Neji's hips to cover the other man's mouth. Annoyed yet mildly aroused by the interference, Neji pushed the hand away and continued making noises like a cat in heat. Already he was hard and drooling precum, making shiny snail trails on the carpeted floor. Seeming to have forgotten that he'd had a decent orgasm yesterday, his balls ached for release. Once more Sasuke tried to cover his mouth and this time, Neji began licking and sucking at the fingers covering his mouth and Sasuke jerked them away himself, pausing his rhythm to wipe the saliva off of them on the back of the middle seats. Keening at the loss of the sweet motion, Neji felt elated when Sasuke began again, unaware of what the other man had in mind.

Disliking that his technique had been disabled, Sasuke pounded into Neji's ass ferociously. If he couldn't keep him quiet in the traditional way, then he'd simply have to screw him into silence. Sure enough, it seemed to be working. Neji choked on his spit, trying to gasp in breaths that now seemed impossible to find, vocal cords failed completely. Stars danced across his vision with every thrust as he flirted with unconsciousness. They had a brief tryst and when Neji came to, he was collapsed on the floor of the van with Sasuke still fucking the shit out of him, threatening to break both the condom and his intestinal lining. He tried to raise himself back up, but his arms were shot and Sasuke had one hand planted square in the center of his back to force him to stay down. He wasn't going anywhere.

For the first time in his adult life, Neji whimpered and mewed, surrendered totally. Tears streamed down his cheeks as pleasure exploded in massive bursts in his brain. No one had ever fucked him this hard for this long. He couldn't tell if it had been ten minutes or an hour. His ass was starting to feel raw and sore, especially where Sasuke's heavy balls smacked it lewdly. Pleasure blended with pain. He tried to force out words to plead his lover to give him mercy, but nothing would come. His manicured nails dug into the van's floor, hands clenching and unclenching to divert himself from the pain in his ass. Before he knew it, he was devastatingly close to his finish.

"Sas… Sasu—uhhhn!"

His head shot up suddenly as any shred of control he had left dissipated, giving him a nasty case of whiplash as his cock spat out a healthy dose of cum across the floor, throbbing painfully with each spasm that milked him dry. He'd hadn't come that hard since… well, ever. He shivered on the floor, wondering if he'd gone into shock, wishing he could curl into fetal position and live in this moment forever. That had been absolutely brutal and somehow, he loved it. Had he been a masochist without even knowing it?

Noting that the job was done, Sasuke pulled out and chucked the empty condom out the van door when they paused at a red light. He tucked his still erect dick into his jeans and zipped up, careful not to catch any sensitive flesh in a painful vice. "Can I go home now?"

"You fuck me half to death and that's all you've got to say?" Neji felt boneless. He couldn't move if he wanted to. "Shame on you, cutie."

"Yeah, yeah, shaddup." Sasuke disregarded the man's state, merely praying that Naruto didn't catch wind of this otherwise he'd never live it down. Like they didn't call each other gay enough already. The last thing he needed was Naruto to have valid ammunition. "You aren't paying me to be nice to you. Speaking of which, I'd like my money now."

"I've got it," Karin piped up, cheeks flushed and eyes lusty. "I'll give it to you when we get back to your place."

"Which would be now." Sasuke opened the door and let her pass him into the evening, the skies having lightened to a mere drizzle.

They were halfway to the stoop when Karin suddenly said, "Oh crap, I forgot my purse. Wait a sec."

Sasuke nearly smiled. So there were some normal girl traits about her after all. The whole liking porn thing was slightly cool, but mostly weird. Porn wasn't really something he considered something for girls. Given that males and females had two totally different types of arousal and males were more visually stimulated, Karin could be considered a bit of an oddity to be turned on by two men doing the nasty. Though, he supposed that the fantasy of it was where the true stimulation was. As he mused on this matter, the van door slammed shut and peeled down the road with a squeal of tires.

Screaming at the escaping vehicle, Sasuke made it about a block before giving up, too horny to think straight and too tired to consider trying to chase a van, though the rain wasn't as much as an obstacle as it would've been if it hadn't cleared up so much. He had been played. His brief venture into the sparkly side of sex was for naught. Returning to the apartment in a mood beyond rage that words cannot fully express, he found comfort in the fact that Naruto was more than happy to see that he brought doughnuts home and gave him a tremendous man-hug and shared the doughnuts with him. It softened the ordeals of the day if only a little. It wasn't until several hours later while they were waiting for the Chinese to arrive that he came to a bitter realization.

The bitch hadn't even had a purse.

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey, you're not allowed in there!"

"Bite me."

Sasuke was a man on a mission. To be more specific, he was an extremely pissed off man on a mission to kick someone's ass. He flung open the door, startling one of the actors in the room that the secretary had told him his target was in. Bewildered, he looked between his costar and the murderous intruder before deciding to hightail it.

"Oh damn. You scared him off. Guess I'm not getting paid today." The man scratched his ear, seeming immensely disappointed.

"You."

"Yes, me. Do I not look especially divine on this lovely afternoon?"

"I'm going to _kill_ you."

"Hey, as long as you do me before I go, I'll die a happy man."

Sasuke gritted his teeth. This faggot really got on his nerves. It was like God had taken all the bits from gays that he hated and smashed them all together into a paragon of the stereotypical gay man. Fortunately he didn't have that dreadful lisp, but it was a very small boon indeed. How could he be so fucking debonair, lounging on the bed like he was the king of the world, when he had permanently ruined someone's life?

"What kind of sick fuck are you?" Sasuke stormed forward and stared down at the naked man.

"Hopefully the kind that you don't mind sleeping with again." Neji curled a lock of his dark brown hair around his finger. "Tell me you've come back for me, darling."

"How could you do that? My life is going to be ruined!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play stupid. You put the video on the internet!"

"What makes you think that?"

"I Googled your name. Your stupid porn site was one of the first things that popped up. 'Bait Bus', right? Duping unsuspecting guys into sleeping with fags like you? People can see everything. How am I going to explain that to my family?"

"So, your parents are computer savvy? That's unusual." Neji had always been under the impression that the older generations weren't hip to the latest technologies.

"Take it down and give me the tape."

"What have you got your knickers all in a bunch for?"

"People can see it, that's what! What are my friends going to say?"

"Are any of your friends gay?"

"No."

"Do you think they're secretly gay?"

Sasuke's mind went to Naruto's constant ranting about the superiority of asses to boobs. Even then, it was strictly in a female context. "No."

"Then how will they ever know? And if they did watch it, do you really think they would say 'so I was looking at this gay porn the other day and you were in it'?"

"No, but still! I don't want people looking at me."

So far, Neji failed to see a legitimate reason to take down the film. "It's a subscription site. They've gotta pay to play. That cuts down the numbers quite a bit."

"But there are people watching me. I'm not going to ruin my family's reputation just because I made a really stupid decision."

"Oh… So you're one of _those_ Uchihas. Karin said that was your last name, but I didn't really think about it." Now it was starting to make sense.

The Uchiha family was a successful operation that had its fingers in all of the pies regarding everything from high-class restaurants to security services. Sasuke's parental units were deep into banking, though he couldn't see the appeal of futzing around with other people's money. Managerial skills were not his forte, plus he knew he'd get dirty looks if he ever did work at the bank because he would inevitably rise through the ranks to replace his father as CEO. Family business stayed strictly within the family. That was not his style. So instead of following his older brother into the exciting world of finance, he was working on an anthropology degree instead. As long as he managed to get a decent job, his parents didn't really care what he did with his life.

But something like this? Goodbye prepaid tuition. No more allowances. He might actually have to get a job doing something mundane like being a cashier or a waiter to pay for school. For once, he'd have a genuine reason to complain to Naruto. This had to be removed from the internet ASAP.

"Take it off or so help me god, I will murder you in your sleep."

Just because he had a reason didn't mean that he was going about presenting it properly. Neji didn't take kindly to being threatened and dismissed the intimidation attempt with a wave of his hand. "Be cool. I only put your first name on the video and all the viewers will probably think it's fake. And like I said, it's a subscription site. You can't see it if you're not paying. The site's encoded so that the videos can't be downloaded and our viewers really aren't the type to know who the Uchiha family is. Good enough?"

"No."

"I'll pay you royalties for every certain amount of views."

"No."

"I'll give you a blowjob every week."

"No."

"I'll let you fuck me in the ass again?" Neji was running out of options. Logic didn't seem to be working on this guy.

"What makes you think I'd even want to do that? Take it down or I'm suing you so hard your grandchildren will be broke."

Neji sighed and sat up. "Listen, beyond all the awesome anal I get from cute little hets like you, I'm still an entrepreneur. You're asking me to take down what is arguably our most successful clip to date without even considering what that means for my enterprise."

"It's internet porn. Who cares?"

"I care." Neji's demeanor became absolutely serious. "Is this because it's gay? Would this matter as much to you if I had been a woman?"

Sasuke wanted to scream with frustration. This guy was totally missing the point. "Gender doesn't matter. I can't be seen making porn at all. After I finish my degree, I want to go teach at an Ivy League. Do you know how freaking comprehensive their screening process is? They won't even let you have tattoos because it's 'unprofessional'. Do you really think that on the odd chance that they do find this, they'll let me in? No. So take it down."

"I'm sure we can find a better compromise, the site traffic has really been up and we've had a ton of new subscriptions—"

"There's no room for compromise. Either I get my way or my lawyer will be calling you real soon." That was what he'd been trained to do when it came to negotiations. Either it was the Uchiha way or the highway.

"We can work this out, I swear." A light-bulb clicked on in Neji's head. "I've got this uncle, see. He likes to give a generous donation to all of the best colleges in the nation. If he gives you a recommendation, they won't scrutinize you as much."

"Uh huh." Sasuke cocked his eyebrow at the young man. "And I should believe you, why?"

"You can look it up if you don't believe me. Every month he has dinner with the dean of Harvard."

"What's your uncle's name?"

Neji hesitated and motioned for the camera crew to cut the sound. They tapped on the glass to let them know they had. "It's Hiashi Hyuuga."

No wonder those eyes had looked familiar. They were the most recognizable traits of the Hyuugas. Aside from the Uchiha, the Hyuuga were one of the biggest names in the area. They did as much as his family did. People often referred to their companies as fraternal twins, similar with enough differences to distinguish one from the other. Many a charity event he'd had to attend where the Hyuuga were invited. He faintly remembered Hizashi, one of the patriarchs of the family, had a son. Until now, he'd never seen him.

Maybe he did have a point. This could work out to his advantage. "You're Hizashi's kid?"

"The one and only."

"Then I—wait, aren't you like, seventeen? Crap, now I'll get arrested for statutory rape!" Prison was not kind to rapists. If he was going to prison, he wanted it to be for something like laundering money or failing to file taxes, not rape.

"Actually, I'm nineteen."

"And that sounds just as wrong because you're still a teenager."

"Grow up. It's legal." Neji brushed his hair behind his shoulders and crossed his legs, becoming the ideal portrait of sophistication. "You let me keep the video and I'll make sure you get that job."

"I won't get my doctorate for almost another four years."

Neji's richly colored eyes narrowed at the subtle insinuation. "I don't break promises."

Sasuke knew that. Hyuugas always followed through. "This is going in writing."

"Sure. On one condition."

"What?"

"Work here at Broke Straight Guys so I can keep tabs on you. Plus, since you scared away the guy I was supposed to sleep with, you're taking his place." That way, everyone could be happy.

"No. I'm not doing any more damn porn."

"Well, when those four years are up and you're applying for that job, I could let it slip to my uncle that I just so happened to know that you did some special videos…" Neji let the sentence hang heavily between them with a sly smile on his lips.

Sasuke was speechless. This was unadulterated blackmail from the mouth of a teen. "You can't do that."

"I think I just did, Uchiha."

"I'll call the cops on you. How do you like that?"

"Then you'd have to tell them everything that's going on. I'm sure that'd make a lovely headline. _'Heir to Uchiha throne caught in pornography scandal!'_ The tabloids will eat you up."

Sasuke bit the inside of his lip, disbelieving this smug little jackass had bested him. "I'll get you somehow."

"You've got nothing on me."

"Do your parents know you're gay?"

"And that I'm doing porn? They don't care as long as I cut it out when I'm twenty-five. Just admit it, you're beat."

There was a frantic thudding of feet outside the door.

"What was that?" Sasuke needed a change of topic to think about everything that had happened within the last five minutes.

"Just Nike. He always runs away from the guys he's supposed to sleep with. I'm sure you'll get along with him swimmingly."

"I'm not doing more porn. I can be a secretary or something, but that's it." Seriously, he didn't want to be seen here. It was bad enough that he was on the crappy side of town without him having to do skin flicks.

"These guys will pay you up to two thousand dollars in cash for a single video. Wouldn't you like a bit of extra spending money? Or would you rather I make sure that you never get hired anywhere for the rest of your life?"

Such a clever little prick. He reminded Sasuke of himself. It sickened him. "…I don't have to kiss anyone, do I?"

"No, but they'll pay you more for it. Same goes for cumming. I'm sure they've got a chart somewhere."

How did his future career end up balancing on this? Well, at least he'd have plenty of time to figure out how to seize his revenge on him. "I hate you so fucking much."

Neji's camp side immediately resurfaced.

"Show me how much, big boy."

Sasuke grabbed him by the hair and did just that.

I0I0I0I0I

Unlucky thirteen. He had been trying to postpone it, but the masses demanded gratification. So here he was, laying on a bed with the one person he despised with every fiber of his being. Those morons better fucking like this clip.

"It's been forever since I've seen you, Sasuke."

"If you don't stop hugging me, I'll cut your dick off and cram it down your throat, you miserable blackmailing son of a bitch."

"What's so bad about me missing you?"

"Everything." Sasuke glowered at the boy, who was smiling like the cat who ate the canary.

Neji kissed him, unbuttoning his senior's shirt. "Hey, I'm not the only one who wants to have more than one round with you."

"None of them are twisted little shitheads who blackmail me into sleeping with them like you."

"Nice to see that you've got such a high opinion of me." Neji supposed he could threaten Sasuke with a lifetime of unemployment for being so rude to him, but it wouldn't be the same if he forced the Uchiha into meekness. "Besides, I'm addicted to your blackout sex."

"Is that what you're calling it now?"

"You say that like it doesn't deserve a name. How many people do you know can nail someone so hard that they pass out in the middle of it?"

Sasuke wouldn't be surprised if his roommate was capable of it, but he wasn't about to say that. Neji might try to go after him too and Naruto already had enough problems in his life. "You're sick."

"Why? Because I like it when you pull my hair and spank me? Who wouldn't be turned on by that?"

"Me."

"You're no fun."

"Do I look like I care?" Sasuke crossed his arms like a petulant child.

Neji crawled down further along the bed and pressed his lips to Sasuke's toes, enjoying the mildly salty flavor of his skin. "You should. How's Nike? I haven't seen him around lately. I miss my little lamb."

"I plead the fifth." How many people was this guy after?

"Well, the next time you see him, tell him that the Halloween party is coming up. Naruto's invited too."

Neji sucked on Sasuke's big toe, curling his tongue around it to lavish it in spit, moving lower to kiss the hardened soles of his feet. He'd developed a handful of fetishes ever since the first time they slept together and this was one of his favorites. Sasuke had such wonderful feet and he hated having them touched quite possibly more than anything they did. Provoking him was fun, because the more Neji did it, the rougher their session would be. Right on time, Sasuke jerked his foot away and smushed Neji's face against the sheets with it to show his displeasure.

"They've only done one video." Wasn't there some sort of seniority rule as to who got invited? This alone would be his third video with Neji.

"So? The higher-ups don't care." Neji was allowed up and straightened his hair, not wishing to get any tangles in it.

"Hurry up and let's get this over with."

Neji straddled Sasuke and ran his fingers through the older man's dark locks. Hair had always fascinated him, but he liked this head of hair in particular. It was always soft and clean and shiny. He couldn't say that he'd ever touched something more perfect than it. Burying his nose in it always brought him an immense amount of pleasure and he did so now, alternating sniffing and massaging the scalp. Given the opportunity to rub his dick in it, he would do so gladly. Sasuke would never allow it because they both knew that he would cum in a matter of seconds, spraying white seed over the pitch black hair. So he settled for this, rubbing his rigid cock against Sasuke's stomach and moaning into that beautiful hair.

"Mmmn, so unromantic." His breath hitched as a particularly chafing thrust stimulated the sweet spot under his head. "Did I mention that Karin wants me to give you her number? She always regretted helping me trick you into doing Bait Bus. She really likes you."

"Is that so?" Mild tones of interest rose in the Uchiha's voice.

"That's all I'm going to say until you pound me through this mattress."

"Fine…"

As Sasuke waited for him to lube up, Neji smiled to himself. So this was Sasuke Uchiha, the famed guy who always stood in the corner at parties trying to stay as far away from all the brownnosers as humanly possible. Rumor had built up a fantastic image of him being a somber and serious youth focused more on business than socializing in his mind and to say that image was completely incorrect was a total understatement. Long story short, he was kinda a huge dick. But underneath that he had some kernels of goodness. For some reason Neji couldn't fully comprehend, he found that hot.

He hissed with pleasure as his fellow scion turned him over and slid his cock inside him.

Neji liked to think that being able to meet Sasuke and subsequently become his puppet master was a sign of destiny. But for now, he wasn't going to worry about destiny. He was simply glad that Sasuke never failed to take the bait.

0o0

So yes. I was actually writing this, the next regular story chapter, and another side story all at the same time, but since I originally started working on this as a oneshot companion when Broke Straight Guys was a oneshot itself, this got finished the fastest. (In case you were wondering, this one was based off a real porn site too…) Hope you enjoyed. I promise it'll probably be a regular chapter next time.

On a side note, I made an AMV. If you're interested, you can find it at: http: // www . youtube . com/watch?v=BmWIuXPVDoY All you have to do is remove the spaces.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	8. The L Word

Broke Straight Guys

Hello all. I hope you've been well. Yes, I know I'm a bit late.

Dedications: **Genzetsubou**, the mastermind behind Gaara's recipes. Mucho thanks. Also, **Ugawa**, a very lovely lady author who has been unable to update due to an accident a few months ago and the subsequent piling-on of college coursework she's had to do. You've probably read a thing or two by her like _Twisted Temptation _or _Saviour's Light _and if you haven't then you should check them out. Send some love her way, why don't ya?

Recs: _Your halo is slipping_ by **Mej Cat** (Interesting concept oneshot.)

_Cat Life II: Dog Style_ by **xXLostInWonderlandXx **(You don't have to read the first one to know what's going on… But they're both fun little fics that are definitely worth at least a glance.)

_He Came With the Rain_ by **SangoStar** (Yes, it's NaruSasu. But she's just an all-around excellent writer and it would be a crime to not sample at least one of her stories because all of them are exceptional. Plus, I sorta lost the notecard that I'd written down my other NaruGaa rec on.)

0o0

The L Word

0o0

Uncertainty and nervousness filled the pit of his stomach with butterflies and snakes that alternated fluttering and coiling to twist his innards into a wretched knot. Cramps were already forming in his gut. He couldn't help it though, it was a strange new place that he wasn't exactly keen on going to, but did so because he'd been asked to. God forbid that someone he worked with caught him here. Getting his sexuality questioned more than it already did was the last thing he needed. So what if he never hollered at the hotties who occasionally graced the sidewalk near one of their sites? He was there to work, not pick up girls. Apparently having work ethic translates into 'gay'. The guys were nice, but they treated his deep interest in focusing completely on his work like it was a Rubik's Cube with twenty sides: confusing and not worth the time to bother trying to solve it. They joked less about it recently because sometimes Tenten would show up to take him out to lunch or walk him home, but then the lewd comments would start and he wanted to drive them all to the nearest cliff and heave them over. Getting defensive wouldn't solve anything because the last guy who'd worked there tried to stop them from harassing his little sister ending up quitting out of frustration. Nothing changed with them.

Standing in the doorway, Naruto was woefully out of place as his friend greeted everyone with smiles and salutations. He was a puppy thrust into a room full of cats that looked serene and cuddly, but would slash him up at the drop of a hat. There was no proper protection from the sass of the fabulous staff and their equally fabulous clientele. For the next hour or so, he was prepared to hear remarks on his hair, clothes, style, and orientation for the sake of a friend. Or maybe he'd just get hit on some more like the last time he'd been to one of 'Gaara's places'.

Salons were most definitely not his thing.

A man with platinum blonde hair pulled back into an extremely manly ponytail came out and hugged Gaara enthusiastically. "Gaara, it's been way too long. I've missed you like Romeo missed Juliet."

"That's nice to hear Kimimaro, but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't kill myself for you, no matter how well you manage my hair."

"Little Gaara's gone and got himself an attitude, I see. I approve." Kimimaro disengaged himself and took notice of the other client, face lighting up like he was a kid on Christmas day. "Oh, you cheeky monkey! You went and got yourself a boyfriend without telling anyone! So, who's the stud?"

"Uh… You mean me?" Naruto scratched his ear, wondering if he'd heard correctly. The guy was looking at him, so he just wanted to make sure. He didn't mind the stud part, but that other one he couldn't leave unchecked.

"Adorable! He's cute and dumb! He's a keeper."

"Excuse me?" Someone did _not _just call him dumb in front of his face. Sure, his school career was mediocre, but he wasn't dumb!

Gaara promptly set himself to the task of carefully defusing the situation before Naruto went off in a rage and started punching people. "Kimi, I do have a new boyfriend, but that's not him."

"Thanks for defending my intelligence there, buddy." But as usual in these scenarios, Naruto found himself cast aside like so much garbage.

"You know I frown upon cheating, Gaara." Kimimaro folded his arms to further enhance his disapproval.

"He's just a friend."

"And I'm the Queen of England. You expect me to believe that you keep a hottie like this on hand and you haven't had him in the sack."

"I like women," Naruto offered. His opinion must count for something, right?

"Of course you do." Kimimaro dismissed him casually.

"I do!"

"Your lips don't lie, dear."

"Are you saying I've got a gay mouth?"

"It's not a bad thing. It matches all the other gay parts of you."

Before the muscular man could leap on the stylist and beat him silly, Gaara stepped between them and tried to make peace. "Naruto, this is Kimimaro. Kimimaro, Naruto. He's a hundred percent straight and totally not my boyfriend."

Kimimaro seemed disappointed. "That's a crying shame and a waste of a good body. I can think of a dozen of boys who run around about these parts who would dig you. Have you ever considered playing both sides of the field? A real man would let himself be open to any option available."

"No thanks. I have always liked and will always like lady parts, thank you very much." Though he wasn't happy about it, he offered his hand to Kimimaro.

"Sorry, but I have to decline. You look like you'd crush my hand without trying."

"Huh?" He wasn't _that_ buff, was he?

"Brittle bones. Mild form, but I'd rather not take any chances." Kimimaro turned back to Gaara. "So, what would you like today?"

"Give both of us the full treatment."

Naruto quickly took Gaara aside and whispered, "I don't think—actually, I'm pretty sure I can't afford this."

Gaara blinked. He hadn't really thought about the financial aspect of this outing. "Don't worry. I asked you to come. I'll cover it."

"Are you sure? I could pay for like, half…" Naruto made the tentative deal with hesitation. This place looked expensive.

"It's okay. I got it." What was a few more hours of overtime between friends?

"Have I told you that you're awesome? Because you are."

Gaara felt himself blush. "It's no big deal."

"I'll pay you back for this somehow," Naruto promised. Figuring out how he intended to do that would be the hard part. He'd racked up a few major IOUs on Gaara, plus there were a couple for Sasuke and one for Kiba too... When he got home, he'd have to make a list and start working on it.

"That's not necessary."

"I know it's not, but I'm going to." Promises were made to be kept. That was what his mother always said. Speaking of which, that reminded him that he needed to call his mother as well. It'd been at least two months since the last time they'd talked.

"Are you two finished whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears? I'd like to stay on schedule and I've got three more people coming in this afternoon."

"Sorry." Gaara hurried to Kimimaro's sink and took a seat. Naruto filled the empty chair beside him.

"Hello there," said the man operating the station. "I'm Raoul and I'll be in charge of _doing_ you today."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Naruto."

"I'm sure it'll be a _pleasure_ working with you."

Gaara watched Raoul's eyes dart to the blonde's package and scowled. Who the hell did he think he was to be checking out someone like Naruto? Even if Naruto did swing that way, he was totally out of that guy's league. Naruto had a heart that was as beautiful as his body. Naruto was the guy who would take you out to dinner and a movie and not expect to get laid in return. Kimimaro was right, it was a crying shame that Naruto wasn't gay or, at the very least, bisexual. Gaara figured that given the fact that he had an awesome boyfriend he shouldn't be thinking about such things, but it was the truth. A little manslut like Raoul didn't deserve Naruto.

"Is this too hot for you?" Raoul asked, spraying a bit of water on Naruto's head.

"No."

Raoul let the water run a bit longer. "This?"

"No."

The water ran directly down the drain for moments longer. Raoul sprayed it on Naruto, shifting his stance so that his crotch was resting delicately on the blonde's shoulder. Gaara clenched the arms of the chair, wanting nothing more than to strangle the stylist.

"How about this? Too hot for you?"

"Yes!" Naruto said promptly, wanting very much to not have someone else's testes on any part of him.

"Fine." Raoul shifted back to his normal position, thwarted by yet another customer.

Kimimaro was glad to see Gaara finally relaxed and asked, "So, what's this new boyfriend of yours like? Is he really black?"

"Matsuri called you already." Figures. She liked to gossip with his other friends without letting him know. That meant that punk had been jerking him and Naruto around when he knew that they weren't together. Kimimaro would be getting a very small tip this time indeed.

Kimimaro looked offended. "What do you mean 'already'? As I hear it, you've been on four dates with him! You should've been the one to tell me! I barely got anything aside from the bare bones from her, anyway."

"I guess I should've mentioned that I had a boyfriend." Kimimaro won there. But was his dating life something so fascinating that it had to be analyzed by everyone he knew or had ever met? He certainly didn't think so.

"So, is he?"

"Yes." What was so hard to comprehend about him being with a black man?

"I'm so glad you're expanding your horizons. You know what they say. 'Once you go black, you never go back.'"

"If someone tells me that one more time, I'm going to drop them in the ocean without a raft."

"How about 'the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice'?"

"You're pushing it."

"How sweet is his juice?" Kimimaro grinned, knowing that Gaara hated questions like this.

"I don't know!" Gaara closed his eyes, trying to block him out.

"Come on, I won't tell anyone."

"You know I've never slept with any of my boyfriends up to this point, what makes you think that's changed?"

"Your new dating MO, for starters. Usually those guys play it strictly on the down-low. How'd you get the panther caged?"

"He's not caged or on the down-low and it's not an MO, I just like him a lot!" Gaara shot Naruto a desperate 'help me' look.

"So!" Naruto interjected as Raoul worked his head into a thick lather. "Why did you want me here? I assume it wasn't just to get my hair done."

"It's not. I wanted to talk."

Naruto strained his eyes trying to roll them around to see if they were in the same area. The building was wide and open with at least twenty people hanging around doing one thing or another. "And this was the best place for that?"

"I have to get ready. You'd look kinda stupid standing over me and having a discussion." Gaara smiled to himself. "Not much more than usual, though."

The words took a second to register. "Why you—"

"I'm just messing with you."

"Have you and Sasuke been hanging out around my back? You're starting to sound like him."

"About Sasuke, you're telling me the truth about… you know?"

"I swear to God and everything else holy that it was _not_ like that." After the 'incident', Naruto called Gaara up and very calmly explained it to him. He had taken it better than he'd thought. "But if you wanted to talk, couldn't you have picked someplace a little more… private?"

"Consider me deaf." Kimimaro piped up from the sidelines. "And Raoul can't hear you either. As soon as he gets rejected, he cranks up the Shania Twain and doesn't give a damn about anything."

"…Okay?" The man did indeed have his earbuds in and Naruto could hear the slight twangy strains of 'Feel Like a Woman' drifting from them. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I don't really know… I'm just so nervous about tonight."

"Why's that?"

"I invited Bee over to my place to have dinner. I keep thinking that everything has to be absolutely perfect and I keep wondering if he'll like the food and all these other things. I wanted your advice. You're better at this sort of thing than I am."

Naruto didn't think so, but he was honored nonetheless. "What are you cooking?"

"Lemon rosemary shrimp and vegetable souvlaki. They're basically fancy shrimp kebabs. Then I was planning on making some honeydew aqua fresca to drink."

"Save me some?"

"If there are leftovers."

"Awesome. There's no reason he shouldn't like your cooking. You cook almost as good as my mom."

"Thanks." Gaara was giddy from the praise for a few blissful seconds. "But I've got a bigger problem…"

"Oh?"

Gaara's eyes went to the ceiling, focusing on one particular fleck in a tile. "What if he doesn't like me? I'm so scared that he'll end things the second we finish."

Naruto choked on his laughter. Raoul gave him the evil eye as the blonde shook where he sat, gasping for air.

"What?" Gaara didn't see what was so funny.

Naruto wiped a tear from his eye, still giggling. "You obviously aren't thinking of the same Killerbee I am. I went on a run with him yesterday and all he could talk about was you and this dinner. For an hour and a half straight it was 'I've never dated anyone like Gaara before, what should I wear, what if I make a total idiot of myself, should I kiss him when he answers the door, should I get my teeth bleached?' In all the time I've known him, I've never seen him that freaked out. He's always been a cool cucumber."

"He really said those things?" It had to be some cruel joke.

"Yep. Actually, it started to get kinda annoying. You can only take so much 'Gaara's the best'. Even if you are." Naruto chuckled. "The guy is head over heels for you."

"You're saying that so I don't feel bad, aren't you?"

It wasn't like he hadn't had it happen to him before. He would develop a crush on a guy and Tenten and Matsuri would convince him that the guy was completely bananas about him and entice him into confessing his undying love to the poor sap. He had a consistent record of getting rejected, with the exception of Sai which turned out so absolutely well in the end. Taking romantic advice from friends made him nervous, but he desperately wanted to trust Naruto on this. Was it wishful thinking to want someone to like him as much as Naruto claimed Killerbee did?

"I don't believe in lying, Gaara."

Well, that wasn't entirely true. Little, insignificant white lies were okay, like 'sure I'll take out the trash today' or 'no, that doesn't make you look fat'. Those were helpful lies. But if he lied about people, then things could go very badly. Gaara was his friend, he didn't want to hurt him.

"You don't give yourself nearly enough credit, man."

"How do you always know what to say?" Gaara reached out to gently touch Naruto's arm to show that he appreciated it, hesitating halfway. Naruto clasped his hand firmly in one of his own, tinting Gaara's cheeks pink. The redhead looked away shyly. "Tenten's a lucky girl. I'm jealous."

"Are you insinuating that you'd like to take her place?"

Gaara yanked his hand away from Naruto with a slight pout. "You think you're so cute, don't you?"

"I must be. You keep taking me to these gay places and guys won't stop hitting on me."

Kimimaro reached over and pinched Naruto's nose as hard as he could. "This is not a 'gay place' as you so rudely called it. We cater to all clientele."

"Sheesh, sorry… What happened to 'consider me deaf'?" Naruto grumbled, rubbing the water from the stylist's hand off his face. "So anyway, it's no big deal, you know? He's into you."

"If you say so."

"Don't crap on your own cake, bro. What's wrong?"

While Gaara squirmed in his seat, wondering why God didn't take mercy on him and let him be devoured by the earth, Kimimaro answered for him. "Gaara's dating history is full of dicks increasingly centered on themselves and their massive egos who liked trying to destroy his self-esteem. Sai was the closest one to actually doing it."

"That's the creepy stalker guy we saw when we got coffee the first time, right?"

"Yeah." Gaara could barely hear himself.

"What'd he do that was so bad?"

Kimimaro was quick to fill in the blank to spare Gaara the pain of saying it. "He hated Gaara's cooking. Said it was crap."

Naruto shot up straight in his seat, suds and water pouring down the back of his neck as he gaped at the two of them. "You're joking. There's someone capable of hating your food?"

Gaara said nothing. Kimimaro's look spoke volumes.

"That's it, I'm definitely going to kill him. There is obviously something horribly wrong with his tastebuds and brain and he needs to be put out of his misery. I bet he thinks kicking puppies is fun too." Naruto looked absolutely murderous. "If it wasn't illegal, I'd kidnap you and lock you in my apartment and force you to make me all the delicious meals I want!"

"You do that already."

Ever since Naruto had first experienced the mouth-orgasm that was Gaara's cuisine, he semi-bullied the redhead into coming over and cooking for him at least twice a week. Sasuke, after having undergone a force-feeding from Naruto, was an obstinate believer as well. If anything, he was worse than his roommate, voicing his desires by calling him at any given time and talking to him like a phone-sex operator. He'd made the mistake of checking his voice messages when his brother came to visit and the two of them got an earful of: _'I want your beef stew, Gaara… I want to feel it dripping down my throat all hot and tasty… The meat—god, that meat!—it's so juicy and tender I could eat it all day long. I need it, Gaara. I need it to make me full and satisfied. I want it so bad, Gaara. Give it to me, Gaara…'_

Explaining that 'beef stew' was not some weird gay sex code for something Gaara didn't dare fathom and that the heavy-breathing caller was his friend's roommate and not a boyfriend took about an hour and even then he wasn't sure that Kankuro believed him. Once he'd made Sasuke a rhubarb pie to get him to stop calling, but that served to only worsen things. The brunette referred to it as their dirty little secret, which increased the flow of the calls from once or twice a week to about every other day.

Gaara wondered if he should tell Naruto about the peculiar harassment. Further deliberation made him realize what a horrible idea that would be. They'd start tag-teaming him. One to call to place the order, the other to abduct him after he was finished with work. Sasuke would handcuff him to the stove—Gaara wished he didn't know that Sasuke had a pair of handcuffs in the first place—while Naruto would pull out the recipe they wanted and read it aloud to him. They would mysteriously have handlebar moustaches that they would stroke as they laughed evilly, saying 'cook faster, kitchen wench!'

"Gaara? Are you listening to me?"

Thoughts of being kidnapped still danced in his head. He didn't have the slightest shred of doubt that they'd do that given the chance. "Yeah, yeah, my food's good and Killerbee likes me. I got it. I'll see you under the dryers."

Kimimaro escorted the redhead away and Naruto was soon to follow, giving the two of them a hint more of the privacy they'd wanted in the first place.

"I've actually got something else on my mind…"

"And that is?"

"…"

Naruto leaned in closer. Gaara's words had been muffled by the dryers. "What was that?"

"What if he wants to do it?"

"As in, sex?" Honestly, Naruto didn't want to think about gay sex right now. But for Gaara's sake, he could stand to suffer the topic for a while.

"Yeah."

"…Do you want to?"

"I like him a lot, but I'm nervous. What if he wants to try something I've never done before? What if I screw up? I'm not that experienced."

Naruto's face burned bright enough to attract insects, unwillingly remembering their session. The situation had fast become more awkward than the time he'd found that massive playlist of Backstreet Boys on Sasuke's mp3 player. "I have a feeling that you'll manage fine, experience or not."

Gaara felt like dying of shame. He tried many times to put the incident behind him with only minor success. Now it had brought itself to the forefront of his mind yet again. "Why couldn't we have met under better circumstances?"

"Dunno. God has a twisted sense of humor." But how twisted? Gaara wasn't hurting for money like he'd been. What was the point of him being there?

"I promise I won't feel the need to tell you the details if we do go all the way."

"Thanks, buddy."

Still the question lingered unasked.

I0I0I0I0I

The whole process took about an hour when everything was said and done, finishing—to Naruto's horror—with a mani-pedi. He'd had to beg the woman who was doing it to spare his calluses. They were vital for work, though the building season was finally winding down. Without them his hands would be chafed and loaded with splinters. Gaara seemed disappointed that Naruto wouldn't give in to the treatment in its entirety, but it was soon forgotten in his excitement. Killerbee called and said that he was going to drop by since he was in the area. Sure enough, the man tapped on the window of the shop moments after and Gaara struggled to pay the bill then walk out calmly when he wanted to sprint into his boyfriend's arms. They embraced tenderly, Gaara burying his nose deep into the folds of the coat Killerbee wore to take in his rich musky smell. Kimimaro crooned at the sight and Naruto ignored it, waiting for the clear coat to dry so he could leave and perhaps say hi to his sparring partner before he had to go to his evening job.

"I missed you," whispered Killerbee, pressing his lips gently to Gaara's forehead, then his mouth. "It feels like it's been an eternity since we've been together."

With their combined schedules, dates were on a strictly hit-or-miss basis. On days when they did allow room for dalliances, Killerbee ended up getting stuck writing a paper for class or Gaara got snatched up by Naruto and Sasuke to go partying or cook or something else ridiculous. But this time they would be guaranteed a night to themselves. Their cell phones would be off and nothing would be there to distract them aside from one another.

"You look awesome. Can't wait to see you tonight."

"Thanks. Me neither." Gaara sighed as Killerbee rubbed circles on his back. "Finally, we'll get some alone time. No annoying friends, no stupid double dates… Just us."

"You didn't like the double dates?"

"It was awkward. Tenten and Naruto are nice, but a bit obnoxious when they're put together."

Killerbee breathed relief. "Thank goodness, I thought I was the only one who felt that way."

"Hey, Rashid! It's you, isn't it?"

Killerbee looked back at who had spoken. "Zetsu? What are you doing out here?"

"Going to the Fresh Market. It's right down the street." He tried to see who was squished in the other man's arms. "Who's that you've got there?"

"You've never met Gaara, have you?"

"No, I haven't."

"Well then, I should introduce you. Gaara, this is my roommate Zetsu."

Killerbee turned him around to bring them face to face. Upon seeing the other man, he jumped slightly in his boyfriend's arms. Shame washed over him immediately for having done so and it didn't go unnoticed.

"It's okay. I'm pretty much used to it by now." Zetsu stuck out his hand and Gaara shook it, stunned silent.

Half of Zetsu's face was a light pinkish color that gave it the appearance of being recently scrubbed hard. The other half was a bruised black-purple that he couldn't keep his eyes off of.

"It's a birthmark. Used to cover my entire face, but I got some surgery a couple weeks ago to remove part of it. They said that I could've done it all at once, but I wanted to do it in two sessions so it'll heal quicker."

Gaara realized that his vocal cords hadn't regained their full functioning capabilities. He nodded dumbly.

Zetsu smiled, finding Gaara's reaction to him to be one of the more entertaining ones. Definitely better than simple but rude 'gross!' or the completely pointless 'dude, your face is purple!' as if he didn't already know. He especially liked that there was no pity for him in those green eyes, simply curiosity. "You can stop shaking my hand now."

"Sorry." Gaara let go of him quickly. Zetsu had to think him a moron for his idiotic behavior.

"I like him. He's nicer than the last one."

"I agree." Killerbee moved out of the way of a pedestrian, keeping one arm around Gaara's shoulder.

"Where are you two headed?"

"I've got errands." Killerbee looked to Gaara. "You?"

"Getting things finalized for dinner. I have to go pick up some shrimp."

"Mmm, we're having shrimp? I thought you Christians weren't supposed to eat them."

"Never said I was a Christian." True, he'd been baptized at birth, but that didn't mean his family had ever been particularly deep into religion. Sundays had always been for cleaning and football, not worship.

"If you're going shopping, do you want to come with me?" Zetsu asked, seeking Killerbee's approval.

"Is that alright with you?" Gaara didn't mind getting to know Zetsu better. He might learn more about his significant other while they were at it.

"Is there a reason it wouldn't be?"

"I've fallen madly in love with him and I'm leaving with him to have passionate sex with him in your bed," Gaara said, completely deadpan.

"Then perhaps I shouldn't let you go. I changed my sheets this morning and I'd like to not have to do it again so soon."

"I'll see you tonight." Gaara stood on his tiptoes and kissed Killerbee.

"Bye. Please don't sleep with Zetsu."

"I don't think you have to worry about that." Zetsu laughed sheepishly. "With a handsome guy like you to call his? I haven't got a chance."

"I wouldn't say that. You've got beautiful eyes." Gaara gave Zetsu a small smile. It was true, they were the perfect mixture of brown and green to make a golden hazel hue. They were warm and inviting, a color that made him feel safe.

Zetsu's lighter half went dark red. "Thanks…"

"Shall we?"

"Yeah. Bye, Rashid."

"Rashid?" That was the second time Zetsu had said that. "Bee, is your real name Rashid?"

Killerbee looked slightly pained. "Unfortunately, yes. Goodbye, Gaara."

He quickly departed and the two men made the trek to the store.

It wasn't until Zetsu was sifting through a bin of early oranges when Gaara finally asked, "What did he mean by 'unfortunately'?"

"Rashid hates his name. He lets me call him that because I've never known him as anything else. All his professors and classmates call him Rashid because it's more professional and people won't take Dr. Killerbee seriously. I think he's upset now that you know because he thinks you'll call him Rashid and he really wants someone close to him to refer to him the way he wishes everyone did."

Gaara didn't mind calling him Killerbee, but he was still saddened. "It's a shame. I like that name."

"Mmhm." Zetsu checked one orange, determining its ripeness. "So, you're studying massage?"

"Yeah. I figured that it's good on its own, but it could also be a good foundation for physical therapy. I've been thinking about that lately as a career option."

"Oh? Nice. It's cool that you want to help people. I just futz around with plants all day."

"Botanist?"

"Yes indeed."

"Interesting." Aside from Killerbee, he'd never been so close to a scientist before. On his side of campus there tended to be a bunch of hippy types and the occasional pre-med student who'd taken a wrong turn. Science was so highly specialized that he found it amazing that anyone could devote their lives to the study of one thing.

"If you ever want something for your place, I'd be happy to get it for you. We've got a top-notch greenhouse set up with dozens upon dozens of species."

"Really?"

"Sure. Got anything in mind?"

"I've never had a plant before, so I'm thinking something easy to start with. Like a cactus."

Zetsu grimaced. "Sorry, it's just that I hear that a lot. Cacti are a bit fussy. People have a tendency to overwater them and that's no good at all."

"You can overwater a cactus?"

"Yes. People are always surprised to hear that. How about some violets? I think they're a good starter plant."

"You're the expert, not me." Gaara deferred to his judgment.

"Give me a couple of days and I'll have Rashid bring them to you."

"Awesome. My boyfriend's going to give me flowers from his roommate. It's everything I ever wanted."

Zetsu had nothing to say, so he blushed. Gaara was as nice as Rashid had said. He only hoped that everything went well between the two of them. They were such a cute couple.

I0I0I0I0I

Stress shouldn't be a problem for Gaara. He knew practically everything there was to know about relaxation techniques. Yet no matter what he did, his stress seemed only to increase. Rubbing his neck, deep breaths, light exercise… Nothing helped. It was maddening. Gaara was cleaned from the inside out—he'd decided to buy more enemas and used one in the off-chance that Killerbee wanted to take him to bed tonight—but somehow it didn't seem like it was enough. The food was prepared already and he had his things for the drinks in the fridge. He hoped that Killerbee found the place. He was on the outskirts of the city, so perhaps he wasn't familiar with the area. What if he got lost? Worse, what if he didn't show up at all? Gaara was just about to call him when the knock at the door came. He answered it, feeling as flustered as he had on their first date.

"How are you? Did you find my house okay? You didn't get lost, did you?" Gaara couldn't help but babble.

"No, I used MapQuest. It wasn't difficult at all. I sort of wish you didn't live so far from the subway line. I walked longer than I expected. Sorry if I'm late."

How stupid! He'd forgotten that the nearest subway station was almost twelve blocks away. "You're not late. I should've gone to pick you up from the station."

"I don't mind. It's nice out tonight." Killerbee slipped off his shoes as he stepped inside. From behind him he flourished a petite bouquet of six red roses. "For you. I wanted to get a dozen, but store-bought roses are obscenely expensive and Zetsu said that the greenhouse supervisors would kill him if he touched a single petal on any of theirs."

"They're great!" No one had ever bought him roses before, unless you counted those cheap chocolate ones with tinfoil wrapping you could buy for a dollar a piece. Sai had showered him with those. "I'll put them in a vase."

Killerbee wrung his hands as Gaara hunted for a vase, finding one in the cabinets above the fridge. The redhead strained to reach, raised on tiptoes, but couldn't do more than open the cabinet and stir up some dust-bunnies. Giving up on that one, he instead walked over to the other side of the kitchen and bent down to dig through the cabinet beneath the sink. Killerbee licked his lips nervously. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the tight butt in those jeans, but he had to lest he be caught staring. Gaara might get the wrong impression. Well, it wouldn't be technically wrong, but if he wasn't careful Gaara could think that he was only after one thing tonight. Still… Gaara sure had a nice ass.

Getting his mind off sex was his first priority. "Like I said, it's not that bad outside. If you wanted, we could go for a walk."

Gaara filled the vase with water and put the roses in it. He decided to set it on the counter, as there wasn't really anywhere else where it could be without getting in the way. "I'd have to think about it."

"You didn't have something else planned, did you?" Killerbee hoped that Gaara said yes. He didn't want to go on a walk in the middle of the night. There were better, more interesting ways of getting exercise around this time.

"No, nothing. Let me take your coat. Have a seat, the food's ready."

Gaara hurriedly fixed the drinks and sat down. With a fair deal of nervousness on both their ends, they began to talk. The conversation picked up speed and within half an hour, they couldn't be more comfortable with one another. Silences added to the scene instead of detracting as it would with most others. So _this_ was what it was like to be with someone you truly liked.

Topics began with the weather and soon got more personal, sharing anecdotes and discussing what a pain siblings could be and things that had happened at work or school since they'd been able to sit down and really talk. Dinner eventually vanished from their plates and they spoke over the empty remnants before Gaara cleared the table. Preferences to hand-wash the dishes immediately was overruled by the desire to be with Killerbee and he loaded them into the dishwasher instead. From the kitchen they made their way to the couch, exchanging softly daring touches where they could. A brush of fingers against an arm, a brevite caress of foot against foot, they accepted it all without expecting or asking for more. Every second passed like a minute. It was heaven.

Killerbee was the first to look at a clock and he regretted having done so straight away. "It's starting to get late."

Having managed to bring the biologist down to a reclining position on the couch, Gaara gave himself a dose of courage. He was scared out of his mind and more nervous than the time in second grade when he'd had a solo in the school musical. He crawled up his boyfriend's torso and kissed him. "You don't have to leave…"

Killerbee's eyes widened in mild surprise at the sudden boldness and grew more startled still when Gaara took off his glasses and set them on the end-table a few inches away. So had Gaara been thinking the same things he'd been struggling to keep down the entire evening? Taking the lead seemed a bit out of character for him, but what did he care? He was reaping the benefits. The redhead dipped down again for another kiss, maneuvering Killerbee's hands to grip his bottom snugly. For once, having someone's hands on his ass felt good.

Killerbee didn't need his hazed vision to see how far Gaara was willing to go and with a slight moan, he parted his lips and let his tongue enter his lover's mouth. They moved on pure instinct and surrendered to blind sensation, both praying this was reality and not a dreamworld fantasy. Having finally gotten the expected response, Gaara slowly rubbed his groin against Killerbee as their tongues' entwinement grew deeper. He could feel Killerbee's cock swelling in his khaki slacks to match his own growing bulge. Appreciating the friction, Killerbee squeezed Gaara's ass, wanting to see the naked perfection of it. Preparing it would take some time, he knew that Gaara couldn't take all of him without serious preparation, but it would be worth it a million times over to be inside him.

Hands antsy from remaining in the same place, Killerbee slipped them down the back of Gaara's pants to cup the supple cheeks, stroking and stimulating them with his big fingers but never teasing that puckered hole. It wasn't quite time for that yet. With Killerbee kneading his ass and their tongues dancing, Gaara was blissed out. Every inhibition he'd ever had was gone. Hormones in control, he graduated from rubbing to full on humping, savoring each roll of the hips that mashed their dicks together. Killerbee reciprocated the new movement with vigor. Why did they still have their clothes on? He'd have to fix that.

He pulled one hand out of Gaara's pants to stroke up his creamy chest instead, stroking a pebbled nipple with his thumb. The redhead drew back, mouth buzzing with sensation and wet with saliva.

"Mmmmn, Bee…" Gaara felt his body shake for a second as Killerbee dropped the hand in his pants lower to stroke the back of his balls. Realizing the position he put himself in, he promptly felt bashful again. "…I mean, you can stay if you want…"

Killerbee felt drunk on Gaara, cloudy mind full of nothing but desire. He longed to bury his cock in Gaara's sweet ass and make him cry out his name in the throes of pleasure. He craved to suck Gaara's dick dry of every drop of sperm he had. He yearned to paint Gaara's insides white with his jizz until he could take no more. He wanted more things than he could possibly ask of the redhead. Did he want to stay? That man had no idea what he was doing to him!

"There is nothing more I'd like than to stay here, Gaara." With his statement he heard Gaara's breath speed up and his cock flared with heat at the thought of taking Gaara back to the bedroom. "But I can't."

"Why?"

"I know what'll happen if I stay here for much longer." His penis throbbed woefully, begging for a few minutes more. "And I don't want that. Not like this."

Gaara was absolutely stunned. The few times he'd gotten close to doing it, he'd always been the one to cut things off.

"Oh, please don't make that face. I'm doing this because I want our first time to be special."

Killerbee sat up and commanded his hands to stop their lecherous purposes so he could hold his lover tight to him. He closed his eyes and took in every inch of Gaara with his other senses. The redhead smelled like sweat and shrimp and when Killerbee pressed his mouth to his neck, it tasted about the same. Keening his ears gave him the opportunity to listen to the life within Gaara, pumping and flowing in a natural symphony. His mind emptied itself and the torrents of hormones calmed. Lust subdued, he stroked Gaara's spine, feeling the individual ridges of each vertebrae. How could one person be more perfect than this?

"Bee?" Gaara's voice was tremulous, uncertain. Killerbee's beard tickled his neck, scratching it gently as the man nuzzled him.

"You are so beautiful, Gaara."

Gaara's heart felt painfully heavy and swollen full. Why did it hurt so much? And why was he glad that it hurt?

"I have never cared about any of my lovers more than I care about you. I think…" Killerbee drew back slightly to look at those hypnotic green eyes. "I think I love you."

Gaara thought that his heart had erupted. With the shamelessness of a child, he began to sob into Killerbee's shoulder. He wasn't even sure why he was crying, but he did know that he was profoundly moved by those simple words. Until now, none of his significant others who'd said that to him meant it as wholeheartedly as this man sitting here had. He could tell he was dedicated to his words by the way he gazed at him. Killerbee looked at him as if he was something to be treasured eternally, someone worthy of devotion. Naruto had been telling the truth. When was the last time he'd ever been this happy?

"Me too…" He managed past the lump in his throat. "I…"

"Allah be praised." Gaara heard Killerbee murmur. He knew he wasn't intended to hear it, but he was pleased that he had. "I promise you, we'll share a bed if that's what you want. Just not right now. I need some time to plan."

Gaara nodded acquiescence.

"I have to go. I have class tomorrow."

"Okay…" Gaara pulled back, wiping his eyes. "Sorry if I messed up your shirt."

"Nothing a quick wash won't fix." Killerbee brushed away the concerns easily. "Besides, a gift of moisture is the best one you can give."

"What?"

Killerbee put his glasses back on with a sheepish smile. "I guess you've never read _Dune._ Silly me. I'll loan it to you sometime."

"What is it, fantasy or something?"

"Sci-fi, actually." Gaara thought he must have winced, because Killerbee quickly added, "But it's a really good book, I promise. I'm not such a dork that I arbitrarily read anything that takes place in space."

"If you say so," Gaara teased.

"Hey!" Killerbee squeezed him breathless in a final hug, then kissed his forehead. "Goodbye, Gaara. Until next time."

"Bye…"

Acting solely on impulse, Gaara ran for his phone as soon as the door closed at Killerbee's back. In one of their regular three-way calls, Gaara relayed the evening's events for his two closest friends, saving the confession for last. Though his reward was a series of deafening squeals that left his ears ringing until morning, he couldn't be happier. Real love, he decided as he brushed his teeth before heading to bed, was truly one of the greatest things in the world.

0o0

Some KiraGaa citrus fluff for those who are so inclined.

Oh, so I recently watched an English dubbed episode of Naruto: Shippuden because the whim struck me. It was one that had the opening 'Distance' and I was wondering something. Why did they edit the part with Naruto and Sasuke holding their blades at each other's throats, but left Sasuke getting snake raped in all its brilliant glory? Seriously, they didn't even darken the crotch area at all. I found this rather strange.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	9. Side Story: Twinks Like Blondes

Broke Straight Guys

Hello all. I hope you've been well.

Fic Recs:

**Behind the Fairy Tale: Rapunzel** by dmnq8 (It has a snake named Bitchkiller in it. If that's not reason enough for you, it's an interesting take on the classic faerie tale. For once, Rapunzel can kick some ass. Also, I'm just now realizing how many freaking categories there are in ffnet.)

**The Hidden Sides** by Tikvah (It's a vampire fic, I know. But it's not as clichéd as one would assume. Actually, it's quite good, which seems illogical because vampire fic rarely equals good. Super happy because there's none of that sparkly, 'immortality is a curse', bleeding-heart shit.)

**Fifteen Stitches **by Rot-Chan (I'm really quite enamored with this right now. It is a depression fic, but it's very accurate in regards to the emotions and style of thought that accompanies depression. And if this makes any sense, it's not depressing depression. You don't feel down after you read it.)

To anonymous commenter: I watched the dub on regular TV, which was probably why the kunai and sword at the throat scene were removed. I wouldn't be surprised if they _did_ play the symbolism card on Sasuke…

0o0

Side Story: Twinks Like Blondes

0o0

The phone rang three times. Neither of them was in the mood to answer it. It was one of those do-nothing days. They supposed that with all this free time, they should do something that was mildly productive, but somehow they couldn't muster up the enthusiasm necessary. What was there to do anyway? The bills were paid, the schoolwork was done, and the apartment was clean… sort of. Dishes had piled up in the sink and the trash hadn't been taken out this week and there was stuff laying all over the floor, sure. One could say that it was clean for a bachelor pad. Besides, they could always get Gaara to clean it when he came over. Whenever he saw their apartment, he flipped out at how supposedly 'filthy' it was and went on a mad cleaning spree. He'd called them pigs on more than one occasion. Whatever.

Sprawled out on the couch, Sasuke strummed a note on his hot pink electric guitar, bored out of his brains. He'd gotten it online for $1.98, plus shipping and handling, though he'd ordered an onyx one. But that was part of the game, besides, it'd be too expensive to try to ship it back and get the right one. It was part of a new habit he'd picked up: online shopping. Getting deals had become his specialty practically overnight—though one could attribute his successes in this field to the shrewd training of his parents. The apartment was fast filling up with things they didn't really need: a top-of-the-line mountain bike, a rice steamer that they'd decided they were going to give to Gaara since they barely ate rice in the first place, and a sweet set of samurai swords that Gaara would likely confiscate so they wouldn't end up hurting themselves—provided that Tenten didn't talk Naruto into giving them to her first. There was also the giant stuffed grizzly bear that now took up a corner of their living room. It was the purchase they regretted the most because it was starting to really creep them out. Its maw was open in a perpetual snarl, glass eyes always on the apartment's residents with its arms raised in preparation to attack. They remedied it for the moment by putting a sheet over it until they could pass the thing off to some other idiot. Now it looked like they had a grizzly bear in a child's ghost costume. Avoiding the front room late at night became second-nature lest the restless spirit of the bear decided to posses its stuffed body and royally kick both of their asses.

The phone continued to ring.

"Don't rush to answer it, dickhead." Naruto, laying opposite of Sasuke, prodded his friend in the thigh with his toe.

Sasuke pushed the foot away and strummed another note on the guitar. Next he'd have to buy a playing manual so he could learn how to use the damn thing. Then he could trade up for a guitar that was slightly less pink and be excellent on that. "Why don't you answer it?"

"Too tired." Naruto chewed off a fingernail he found to be too long and spat it on the floor. "Let's order pizza."

"Let's make Gaara come over."

Naruto gave it a serious thought. "Nah, pizza sounds better. Besides, don't you ever feel bad about him basically being our maid?"

"No. Am I supposed to?" Hey, it wasn't like the guy was doing it against his will.

"You're such a jackass. Why are we friends again?"

"You'd be lost without me. You'd turn into a homeless bum who has to take showers in the fountain at the park and dance like a monkey to earn money so you could feed yourself. You would step on a rusty nail with your dirty bare feet and the wound would get infected and ooze pus everywhere and then gangrene would set in and your flesh would turn green and smell like shit as it rotted off your body. You would die in a gutter and not even the rats would eat your stinking corpse." Sasuke sat up and yanked hard on Naruto's ear to ensure he was listening. "That's why you're my friend, you moron. I keep you housed and safe."

"Oh, bullshit! We almost got evicted because of your dumb ass!"

"I would have asked my dad for the money. He would have given it to me."

"And if he hadn't?"

"I'd work up some tears and ask my mom instead. She can't resist me when I cry."

Naruto wasn't quite sure how he should react to that. "What are you, a fourteen year old girl? You actually do that?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

Perhaps he should seriously reconsider his choice of friends. "No, they don't."

"You've never done that? Freak."

It wasn't that he'd never done it, it was that he'd stopped doing that once he hit puberty like any other sane person would. "Your mom."

"Your face."

"Your mom's a face."

"Your face is a mom."

"Why do I feel like we're in junior high again?"

Still, the phone rang.

"Oh my god, why won't these people leave us alone?" Sasuke growled as he set down his guitar and went to answer the phone. He picked up the received and screamed, "What, dammit, what? Why do you keep calling?"

"Who is it?"

Sasuke ignored him, struggling to calm down. "Of course I'm angry, I told you to call my cell. Yes, it's off. I didn't want to be bothered today. No, you're not bothering me, it's just… Yeah, I guess. I'll see if he'll come. It probably won't work if it's just me."

"What won't work?"

"Yes, it's never going to happen. Ever. Like, until the end of time and a week after. I would kill myself if we did. Seriously. Bullet to the face."

Intrigue finally peaked, Naruto sat up and demanded, "Who the hell are you talking to?"

"Yeah, that's him. I'll ask now." Sasuke put his hand over the receiver. "The people who subscribe to Broke Straight Guys want me to cornhole you and we have to go explain why that can't and won't happen in a million years. You up for it?"

"It won't happen in a million years because if we did, you'd be the chick."

"Like hell."

"Admit it, you'd roll over and spread your cheeks the second I dropped my drawers."

"Sure, and I'll take it just like that transvestite you banged."

"What? Who told you about that?" Naruto's face was a furious red. "And she was not a transvestite, she was a beautiful lady!"

"Then you need to talk to Gaara, because he seems pretty damn sure that you slept with a tranny."

He and Gaara were going to have a nice long discussion about the difference between the things that should and should not be told to Sasuke. "He's just jealous of me 'cause he's gay and he couldn't sleep with her. She was that hot."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "The day someone is jealous of you is the day pigs fly. Yes or no on the video?"

"Sure, whatever."

"He said yes. We'll be there in twenty." Sasuke hung up. "Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

I0I0I0I0I

"Is the camera on?"

"**All systems are go. Start whenever you feel like it."**

Sasuke tapped Naruto on the leg and signaled their start. "Hey, so… We've heard rumors that you guys want to see us together."

"It's not gonna happen." Naruto figured it would be best to get straight to the point. Keep things short and sweet.

"Wow, thanks for killing my intro, dickhead."

"You're welcome."

Sasuke gave his roommate a hard look before returning suavely to the camera. "It's not that the higher-ups don't listen to your suggestions, it's because this moron right here," He jabbed his thumb at Naruto. "is unfortunately my roommate slash best friend."

"Yeah, he's totally hot for me, but I'm like 'whoa, man, we can't do this'."

"Ignore anything he says."

"But seriously, we do live together. And I don't want any awkwardness between me and my favorite bitch-boy." He ruffled Sasuke's hair, laughing when his hand was slapped away.

"If we weren't on camera, I swear I'd—screw the camera."

He threw a punch at Naruto and they traded blows noiselessly for a couple of seconds before coming to an agreement to disagree.

"This is why we can't do it. Too much arguing already. No need to add fuel to the fire."

"For once, the idiot is right."

"Hey!"

"You couldn't pay me enough to sleep with him."

Naruto cocked an eyebrow at his friend. "Really? I'd do it for a million bucks. I mean, hey, that's a lot of money. I could always use a little of that."

Sasuke's head snapped towards Naruto in complete bewilderment. He did not just hear what he thought he heard. "What?"

"C'mon Sas, take one for the team! I'll buy you as much bourbon as you want so you don't have to be sober through it. I'm sure we could find some old rich dude who'd be willing to pay to watch us get it on." Naruto slung his arm around Sasuke's neck and gave him a magnificently devious grin. "Besides, it's not like I'd be banging a bear. You're pretty fine for a guy."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sasuke sputtered, turning red. What was Naruto smoking?

"You've got it going on, yanno? Not in a gay way, you just look really good. Your ass is about an eight on my scale. I wouldn't mind pounding it for a mil. No homo."

"No homo, right…" He shoved Naruto's arm off of him. "You do realize you're saying that you'd go gay for me for a million dollars, right?"

"No, I'm saying I'd do you for a million dollars. I wouldn't want to go gay for you because you're a total douche and you would always throw hissy fits whenever I wanted some ass."

"So who would you go gay for?" Sasuke wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know. But it could say something about Naruto as a person.

"If I had to?"

"Yeah. No celebrities, someone we know."

"Hmm…" Naruto scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I'd say Bee because he's cool and we get along pretty well, but I know where I'd be stuck in the bedroom. And since I like having my butthole intact, I'd have to go with Gaara."

That was moderately understandable. "I second that. He's basically a girl anyway."

"What were we talking about?"

"Why we can't sleep together."

"Oh yeah! So um, yeah. We don't like each other that way. That's pretty much it."

Like lightning, a eureka moment struck Sasuke. He could get Naruto back for making him feel extremely uncomfortable!

"This is as close as we'll ever get."

Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the neck and yanked him close for a kiss, forcing his tongue past the plump lips to tease its counterpart. He tried to ignore the fact that Naruto tasted like cheap coffee and threw all his energy into making this as awkward for the blonde as humanly possible. One hand pressed lightly against Naruto's abdomen, slipping under his shirt to travel upward. Cold fingers met a nipple and Naruto, finally awakened from his stupor, screamed into Sasuke's mouth and began trying to fend him off. Physically he was capable of doing so, but given his current mental state, it wasn't happening. Taking advantage of this, Sasuke forced him down flat on the bed and broke the kiss to take in some air.

Naruto flailed under him, shouting, "Rape! Rape!"

With a sadistic smile to his captive, Sasuke turned to the camera and said, "Bye."

"Argh, noooo!"

I0I0I0I0I

"Are you watching that again?"

Sasuke bent over the couch to look at the video Naruto was viewing on his laptop. Since they both did work for Broke Straight Guys, they got free subscriptions to the site. This had to be at least the third time Naruto had gone over the video.

"I'm trying to figure out how you got a chance to mouth rape me like that!" Naruto had a dead serious look on his face as he started the video over once again. "I don't want it to happen again!"

"Tch, as if I'd want to." He didn't see why Naruto was complaining. That so-called 'mouth rape' scored both of them thirty-five bucks. "You pissed me off."

"How?" Naruto couldn't see a single thing that he'd done to incur the kissing fiend that Sasuke had abruptly changed into.

"For starters, you called me a bitch-boy. Then you called me hot."

"I did not say you were hot!"

"You basically did. And then you said that I would throw hissy fits if we were gay for each other."

"You would!"

"Please. The viewers get final verdict. What do they say?"

Naruto scrolled down and sped-read through the list of comments so far. Loud belly laughs began rolling out of him at what he found. This was absolutely rich!

"What's so funny?"

"They all say that you're a twink!"

"What?"

"A twink! Gaara told me what those are!" Naruto wiped his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, only to break out in a new bout of snickers. "It means you're a girly gay guy. And they also say that I'd be on top."

"What? Bullshit. Let me see."

Naruto passed up the laptop and Sasuke began to read.

**uncutking: bet Naru's tongue tastes sweet, hows his dick?**

**Hairy_Larry: mmm, Naruto sooo hot but Sasuke is hot too. I wanna hear him screaming Naruto's name when he gets fucked by him**

**Doubledown: Sas is ultimate twink needs to be taught some manners tho**

**barebackattack: You guys got me dripping! Want to see you get together soon or I'll explode!**

**LuckyU: What do you 2 do when you're horny and alone in that apartment of yours…? Details, plz!**

**ChainZ: Wish I could live with u, ur verbal play is so hot S needs N to train him to be a good little twink**

And so on and so forth.

"Ugh. How can you read this stuff?" Sasuke dropped Naruto's computer back into his lap.

"Hey, these guys have good taste. They know a top when they see one."

"I had one guy on my side. He said something about topping from the bottom." Scoring points where he could in such matters were important. He was anything _but_ a twink.

"No, you're still getting fucked, but you're just bossing me around."

"…Why do you know that?"

Fortunately the phone rang to alleviate Naruto the awkwardness of having to answer the question. Sasuke picked it up.

"Hello?"

"_I am not 'practically a girl'!"_

"Gaara?"

"_You can kiss those stuffed tomatoes goodbye, you… You… Argh!"_

The line promptly went dead.

"Ha ha, Gaara's mad at you."

"Shut up. He's just on his period." That punk sure knew how to hit where it hurt. He'd been looking forward to the tomatoes all week.

"I'm telling him you said that. Bee's gonna kick your ass."

Sasuke took his pink guitar and stormed back to his room, slamming the door so Naruto knew that he wasn't in the mood for anything. He laid in bed and strummed idly at the metal strings, mood most foul. Gaara hated him, Killerbee was likely to kick his ass for calling his boyfriend a girl, and Naruto had the encouragement of dozens of gay men to savage his butthole. All because of a stupid video. Hadn't he learned his lesson by now? Next time he got a call from Broke Straight Guys, he was letting it go to voicemail.

0o0

I think that perhaps the purpose of the side stories is to torture Sasuke just a bit, ha ha. That, and he doesn't get much opportunity to be in the real story. I have to flesh him out somehow. Actually, he's a lot less of a dick now than he was when he was a teenager. But more on that in another side story. (It's almost sad, the number of real chapters and sides are starting to catch up with each other… But the next one is the only one I've got definitely planned out, so you'll be reading a lot more main story.) On another note, I'd like to be able to say that I haven't had that 'your mom's a face' conversation. Unfortunately, I can't.

Be on the ball, guys. New people will be busting their way in soon.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	10. Side Story: She's Got It Goin' On

Broke Straight Guys

Salute and bonjour to all you beautiful people!

**Recs:**

Failing to Imagine by **–Falling Into Colours- **(When I first read the summary for this, I thought it would suck. But it doesn't suck. In fact, it's actually pretty good. I only have a couple of grievances with the plot, but they're extremely minor ones to the point of being almost nonexistent and should not impact the enjoyment of reading in any way, shape, or form.)

Animal Instincts by **Greer Shlivandas **(This fic made me realize the importance of going back and looking at the past of the Naruto fandom because it's freaking awesome. It was written in 2001, about two years before Naruto was being serialized in the English Shonen Jump and before ffnet had a lot of the features we hold near and dear today. It's a ShinKiba and it really captures the slightly creepy essence of Shino's personality in a wonderfully warped and completely believable way. Greer also wrote a DosuZaku fic called Fifteen Minutes that's good too. Long live old fanfiction!)

New Wind Nation by **Kyogre** (Yes, it's over. But if you haven't read it yet, I feel the need to ask 'why the hell not?' There's _technically_ no pairings, but I hold the hope in my heart that there is at least an outside chance of Naruto and Gaara getting together because Kyogre vehemently and frequently reminds us that there are no pairings and I figure that the more you deny something, the more likely the insinuation is true. Plus it's the perfect time to read it because Kyogre is on a writing hiatus until the plans for the second 'season' are made.)

Well, I've blabbed enough. For most of you, you probably know what song inspired this chapter but for those who don't… _Stacy's Mom_ by **Fountains of Wayne**

0o0

Side Story: She's Got It Goin' On

0o0

Must be nice to be so rich. Imagine, the ability to buy a private jet or to hire a platoon of maids on a whim. Owning two houses? For a normal person, it was ludicrous! Even more so was the idea that you only lived in one of those houses for a few weeks out of the year. Now wasn't that absurd? People were huddling homeless on the streets and there was a fully paid-off abode that was uninhabited eighty percent of the time. Rich people were weird.

That did not, in any way whatsoever, mean that he was ungrateful to the rich person who had decided to take him to their summer house for spring break. Rather he was thankful that he could consider one of the elite as a companion and reap the benefits it offered.

Visiting a summer house in the spring sounded redundant, but Naruto wouldn't have turned the invitation down for anything short of a complete family disaster. Sasuke always flippantly told him cool things about his vacations and for once their conversation wouldn't be: _'So I went wakeboarding in the Keys, but that was pretty boring. What'd you do?' 'Um…I got to a new level in my video game?'_

No, for once, he'd have a glorious break where he'd spend two beautiful weeks with the Uchiha family and get to share the good times. Sasuke said his mom forced him to bring a friend so he wouldn't get lonely, but as long as he was there he didn't really care why. He could hardly sleep last night for the sheer excitement and the feeling sustained itself to now, though it had dampened some. Out of country destinations had gotten the axe because he didn't have a passport and Sasuke was pissed about that because he'd wanted to go to Mexico to thoroughly exploit the lower drinking age with the fake IDs a kid they had Geometry with cooked up. Now the fee they'd paid was wasted. They could pass as eighteen, but not twenty-one. Hitting bars in this area wasn't happening. Sasuke hadn't said a word to Naruto since they hit the road aside from 'I hate you so much'. More upsettingly, he found out that they wouldn't be taking a helicopter to the summer house as he'd been originally told. Apparently the pilot was sick and the Uchiha family refused to let anyone else fly the two of them up, so they took a limo instead. At first it had been interesting, but boredom soon set in. In spite of the length, it was still a car. Naruto had been in plenty of cars before and the appeal was sorely lacking. So he fidgeted and Sasuke sulked for the rest of the five-hour ride, stopping only to pick up some snacks and for a bathroom break. This place, Naruto thought as Sasuke gave him the evil eye for the fiftieth time today, had better be worth it.

Finally they arrived and Naruto flew out of the car, taking in a much needed breath of fresh air. "Haah, freedom!" he sighed, stretching his sore muscles. Sitting for nearly five hours straight was quite literally a pain.

"Get your crap out of the car." Sasuke kicked his so-called best friend in the ass as he passed him, leaving a dusty footprint on the seat of his pants.

Naruto stumbled forward a few steps, glaring daggers at the back of the young man. "What the hell was that for?"

"I can't believe you don't have a passport. You're such a loser."

"I do have one! I just lost it!"

"Yeah, right. Maybe it's stuck between your mom's boobs and baby belly."

"You shut up about my mom! You're just jealous that you're not getting a little sister!"

"I don't want a stupid sister. Why are you so happy about it? You know she won't pay any attention to you anymore." Sasuke was glad he was the youngest—not the _baby_, he despised being called the baby—in the family. It had its benefits. "I don't see what the big deal about pregnancy is. All it does is give women another reason to bitch and moan about stupid shit, then they get bloated and fat. I hate fat chicks."

"You wouldn't even be here if your mom hadn't gotten pregnant!"

"My mom didn't get fat."

"You were a tiny-ass preemie!"

"Seven months isn't preemie."

"Says the guy who was on baby life support!"

"So what if I was?" Being strapped into a machine day in and day out then hadn't affected him much now. With some of the nation's best physicians in attendance, his lungs had developed fine.

"What are you going to do when you get married and you want kids?"

Sasuke already had that base covered. He'd precisely planned his life out by the time he was thirteen. "Adopt a Chinese baby or something. I don't want my wife to get fat like your mom."

"What if she tells you she's pregnant?"

"Then I'd dump the bitch."

Naruto could never figure out how Sasuke could say such terrible things with a straight face and actually mean it. Ice water ran through his veins instead of blood. That had to be it. Sasuke was Satan spawn. On his father's side, naturally. While he'd never met the man personally, the fruit didn't fall far from the tree and logic dictated that Fugaku was as huge of an asshole as his son. His heart went out to Mrs. Uchiha.

"You're an idiot!"

"Takes one to know one," Sasuke said in that infuriatingly too cool for school voice of his. "Your mom's an idiot too for letting herself get turned into a fat bitch."

Trash-talk was a daily occurrence between them, but there was malice in the remark that couldn't go with impunity. Later Naruto would think back and realize that Sasuke was probably lashing out in anger, not only because his trip to Mexico had been snatched from under his nose but because he'd suffered a nasty breakup with his girlfriend a few days prior. Far from a clean split, it was a splintery, fractured-in-seven places mess that he never got the full story on. While male pride ensured that he only said otherwise, Sasuke had truly and deeply loved her.

At the time, rage completely consumed Naruto's mind and he flew at Sasuke like a wild beast going in for the kill. There was mostly punching and kicking and strangling, but the significantly less masculine pinching and hair pulling managed to worm their way in. They weren't trained cage fighters and there was no decorum or strategy about the brawl whatsoever. Naruto, however, had been on the wrestling team in junior high and managed to get Sasuke locked in an arm bar. Surrender was the only option from here on out.

Without warning, along came perk number two of the Uchiha vacation.

"Boys? What on earth are you doing?"

Sasuke growled obscenities discontentedly into the dirt, face bright red with humiliation. Of all the lousy timing…

"Oh! Mrs. Uchiha!" Naruto hopped up and brushed himself off, taking a quick moment to fix his hair into a slightly more presentable state. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, but what were you doing to Sasuke?"

"He said a very unkind thing about my mother—oh, she's pregnant, by the way, she wanted me to tell you that, she keeps forgetting to call you—and I know you raised him better than that. I had to do something."

"Next time, I'd rather you tell me, alright?" She gave Sasuke a stern look and the boy knew he was in deep shit. Maybe he should just play dead so she wouldn't punish him. Run away to Mexico and live off his savings, get back together with his girl while he was at it.

"Sure thing, Mrs. Uchiha," Naruto said with a sunny smile.

She stepped forward and embraced the blonde, pressing her soft, full lips to his cheek. "You've grown so much, Naruto. You're almost taller than me."

"Heheh, yeah." Naruto couldn't help blushing. It was like being kissed by a flower. "Sasuke's mad now that we're at eye level with each other."

"Sasuke, be a dear and grab the luggage, will you?"

"Yes, Mother…" Sasuke grumbled, hoping that this would be the extent of his punishment.

"Don't forget my stuff." Naruto wasn't going to let his friend off so easily.

Sasuke shot him the bird.

"You have to tell me about your mother, Naruto. How far along is she?"

"Five months. I can't wait for the baby to be born."

"Do you know the gender yet?"

"Mom wants it to be a surprise, but she's pretty sure that it'll be a girl."

"How precious! She'll be absolutely adorable. If she's even half as attractive as you, she'll have to beat the boys off with a stick. Take good care of her, alright?"

"Thanks, Mrs. Uchiha. I will."

His soon-to-arrive baby sister wasn't the only woman he wanted to take care of.

I0I0I0I0I

The fan blades whirred around in quiet circles on the ceiling. Boredom had already snared them in its clutches. Sasuke was still in a god-awful mood and refused to do anything that remotely resembled fun. According to him it was too hot to play catch, they couldn't play a video game because his mom had confiscated the power cords as part of his punishment, and the pool wasn't clean so they couldn't swim in it. They were resigned to stare at the ceiling of Sasuke's bedroom. It wasn't a bad one. Same as most other ceilings Naruto had seen. There was a scattering of glow-in-the-dark stars on it. Supposedly Sasuke rarely spent time in here so he didn't care about the fact they'd been there since he was seven.

Naruto found it extremely hard to believe that Sasuke had ever found glow-in-the-dark stars cool. Then again, he didn't know much about Sasuke's younger days. According to his mom, he'd been a total crybaby who always followed around his big brother like a baby chick and got picked on in school every single day. He glanced over at Sasuke, trying to imagine him the way he'd been described: girly, quiet, and constantly in tears about one thing or another.

"Take a picture, why don't ya? It'll last longer."

He wasn't seeing it. Maybe he had been such a little hellion that Mrs. Uchiha made up her own version of him in her mind to deal with the trauma. That made more sense.

"Stop making googly eyes at me, fag. You want me to kiss you or something?"

"Yeah, that was probably it…" Naruto muttered.

"What was what?" Sasuke began to sit up. Great, first Naruto ruined his vacation and now he was talking to himself. Why was he friends with this weirdo?

"I'm gonna get something to eat."

Naruto got up and began pacing the halls to soothe his impatient legs. Hunger wasn't really his motivation for leaving. A change in scenery was necessary or he would go insane. How could Sasuke stand doing nothing for so long? Humans weren't made to tolerate such dreariness. Maybe he was a robot. A demon robot from Hell. Naruto entertained the thought for a while. If he was a robot, he was a master of disguise. He looked exactly like a person. Did he run on batteries or solar power? Could he stick his finger in any old light socket and charge up for the day? The possibilities were practically limitless.

Eventually he tired of the robot Sasuke theory and was drawn to the kitchen, where he found Mikoto Uchiha sitting at the marble counter of the island, arranging a bouquet of flowers. With a tenderness in his adolescent heart that was nearly pure, he sighed contentedly at her peaceful visage. There was something wonderful about her, though he wasn't entirely sure what it was exactly. Sakura was a great girlfriend, sure. But there was an air about the Lady Uchiha that made her, not his beloved girlfriend, the subject of his idle romantic fantasies.

Mikoto was mature and graceful, the paragon of lady-like dignity. Sakura tried to behave in a proper manner for the modern woman, but when she was with Naruto she was as liable to knock him out as she was to kiss him. Mikoto was lissome and willowy with curves in all the right places. Sakura was short, boyish, and had a spectacularly unremarkable bust line. Watching Mikoto move was like living art. Any motion Sakura made had him running the other way because she was probably about to punch him for something silly he'd said. To put things simply, Sakura may be a princess—an occasionally violent one at that—but Mikoto was an absolute goddess.

"Don't be a stranger, Naruto. Come in."

Spotted so soon? "I didn't think you'd heard me, Mrs. Uchiha."

"My mother always said that I could hear a cat sneeze from two blocks away."

Awed that he'd been invited into her sacred presence, Naruto approached her reverently. "What are you doing?"

He wanted to slap himself for asking such a stupid question. What she was doing was blatantly obvious.

"Making floral arrangements for a charity benefit I'm going to tonight. Sit down." She pulled out the other stool tucked under the counter and patted the seat.

Naruto sat. "You go to a lot of things like that, huh?"

"Yes. Since my husband has essentially made me the liaison to the public, I always have my calendars full."

"But why? I thought you were super-good at math. Why don't you help Sasuke's da—I mean, your husband with all that number stuff?"

"Well, if I don't do this, no one will. We'd look as heartless as the other financial firms. It's purely about the image, Naruto. When you're a little older, you'll understand. Itachi's more or less taken over my old spot even though he graduated such a short while ago. I'm so proud of him." Pride was there at her son's achievement at the surface level. Deeper, her happiness sounded forced, the pretty smile on her lips not quite reaching her eyes.

Naruto knew better than to press the matter. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Actually, there is. Would you please go to the garden and pick some flowers for me? Whatever you think is best will be fine. Follow your gut and make sure you get a couple pink ones. It's a breast cancer benefit."

She handed him the clippers and he hurried off, eager to do her bidding. Mrs. Uchiha trusted him to do this for her. It felt great. She didn't treat him like some kid. As far as she was concerned, he was a man in his own right. Was it a fantasy for him to want her as much as he did? Could he ever do anything to make her as crazy for him as he was for her? Both were questions he didn't know the answer to, but he didn't really care. Starting with the petty things garnered trust. Garnering trust led to bigger tasks. Accomplishing those tasks would earn appreciation, which could turn to love. So he didn't care that he was doing something so mundane. In the end it would be worth it.

He returned when he had picked a prodigious bouquet, presenting them to the Uchiha woman with a massive grin.

She accepted the flowers, pleased with his prompt service. "Thank you so much, Naruto. I wish my sons were as helpful as you."

"I, um, got you this too." From behind his back he revealed a daisy that he tucked behind her ear, savoring the divine glow of her skin and the silkiness of her long black hair.

Her tender mouth melted warmly into a genuine smile. "Thank you, Naruto."

"Is there anything else I can do to help? Sasuke's being a total buzzkill. He only wants to lay around and complain."

"Is that so? What a poor host he's being. He's just upset that he didn't go to Mexico. He's been begging to go to Cancún for months." Mikoto snipped a stalk to a more appropriate length. "Not that that's an excuse. I'll talk to him if you want."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure he'll snap out of it soon. I don't want to bother you when you've got so much on your plate already. You deserve a break now and then."

"You're such a sweet boy, Naruto. Your girlfriend must be crazy about you."

"Eh, sometimes. She likes punching me a lot. She's tough."

"Poor thing. What did you do to deserve that?"

"No biggie, Mrs. Uchiha. Sometimes I act like an idiot when we're together and she gets embarrassed."

"She shouldn't hit you, no matter the circumstances."

"I'm tough. She may hit hard, but I always bounce back." When he said hard, he meant _really_ hard. She was on the lacrosse team. Once he'd tried to get to third base with her and she gave him a black eye that swelled up to comic proportions. When he got to school the next day, he told everyone that he'd been mugged by four huge guys. No one bought it for a second and he'd been the laughingstock of the entire tenth grade for weeks. "Give me a call if you need anything else."

"I will. And Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to know that you are—"

"Naruto!" Sasuke barked, sticking his head through the doorway. "Leave my mom alone. I want to ask you something."

"Oh, Sasuke! Would you like some lunch, sweetie? I could whip up something for you real quick." Mikoto began getting up from her seat, happy at the prospect of feeding her baby boy.

"I'm not hungry, Mom. Go back to messing with your flowers. Naruto, my room, now."

"Guess I'll see you later, Mrs. Uchiha."

Naruto reluctantly allowed himself to be dragged away by his friend. If he knew that Sasuke didn't know that he liked his mom, he would've called the timing suspicious. They'd been having a moment and now it was ruined. Mrs. Uchiha probably wouldn't finish what she'd been trying to say. He was stuck trying to figure it out on his own. Was it: _'I want you to know you are terrible at picking flowers?' _or _'I want you to know you are not even close to being mature enough for me?' _or maybe_ 'I want you to know that you are an idiot?' _It could be so many things and all the ones he was coming up with were extremely depressing. He barely noticed when Sasuke shoved a backpack into his arms.

"We're going for a walk."

"Cool." More time to think about what horrible things Mrs. Uchiha's statement left viable.

"Did you bring any mags with you?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. That's what this was about? Sasuke had cut his conversation with Mrs. Uchiha off at a crucial point for this? "Why can't you find your own porn?"

"Mom likes to go through my stuff when I'm at school. There's no way in hell I'm keeping any at home. She's such a snoop. I can't believe she doesn't respect my space."

"Maybe she's worried about you."

Sasuke scoffed. "Just grab whatever you've got and we'll go."

Naruto glowered at the back of his friend, rummaging through his suitcase to pull out the magazine he'd stolen from his grandfather's room and put it in the backpack. Sasuke needed to do something about this porn addiction of his. He seemed to subdue it while he was dating, but every time he returned into the single life his hormones raged more passionately than before. Given the nature of the split, Naruto had a feeling that he would have to deal with his friend's chronic masturbation for a few days before things settled down.

Their destination was a secluded little riverbed and Sasuke was quick to yank Naruto's backpack out of his hands and plopped down in front of a massive boulder threaded with tiny glistening crystals. "You have no idea how long I've waited for one of these. I can barely look at online stuff anymore because Mom's always popping in and asking if I want to see a movie or something stupid like that."

"That's cold."

"Don't judge me, bro. I need this."

Sasuke unzipped his shorts and began fishing out his dick. Naruto sighed as he took a seat next to Sasuke and did what prostitutes do: averted his eyes and prayed this would be over soon. He wanted to finish the conversation that had been so rudely terminated. "Don't get cum on it this time. I hate it when the pages are sticky."

"God, look at the cans on this one," Sasuke muttered, rubbing harder.

Naruto glanced at the page Sasuke was fixated on. "She's okay, I guess. Her boobs look rock solid. I'd be afraid she'd poke my eye out with one of those things."

"You're a real boner killer, you know that?"

"Oh, check out this chick's ass. Is it not bodacious, my friend?" Indulgence every now and then wasn't so bad, but he wasn't a porn fiend like Sasuke.

"You would notice her ass, you queer."

"Up yours."

"No thanks. I don't swing that way."

"Have I told you lately that I hate you?"

"That reminds me, the last time I went to one of those lame parties Mom makes me go to, there was this hot chick there. I think she's a Hyuuga." Sasuke pulled out his cell phone and found the picture in his memory before passing it to his blonde companion.

The girl was the physical embodiment of the word voluptuous. She had the best boob to ass ratio he'd ever seen. Quietly he apologized to Mrs. Uchiha for downgrading her to number two on his list.

"Damn. Did you get her name?"

"Hinata, I think. I'd tap that. Her tits are perfection. I'd like to shove my face between 'em and take a nap."

"Freak." It was another one of those 'Sasuke things' as he'd deemed them. He wanted to have nothing to do with 'Sasuke things' and in fact, tried to not think about them at all. There was a long list of 'Sasuke things' he was sure he didn't know about and he hoped that it remained that way.

"Tch. If me and her were in a room alone, I'd tear off her dress—"

"Sasuke? Naruto?"

"—and take my dripping—"

"Sasuke? Naruto? Where are you?"

"—and with the way she'd be moaning, you'd think she was a—"

"Is that your mom?"

"Shut up, I'm not finished. I'd pound her like a—"

"Boys? Are you out here?"

"I'm pretty sure that's your mom."

Caught up in his fantasy, Sasuke didn't hear either of them. "—do a motorboat and make 'em sticky and then—"

The voice of Mikoto grew steadily closer as Sasuke's vocal pitch rose with the increasingly nearer orgasm until it hit him like an eighteen-wheeler. Barely able to cover his mouth fast enough to stifle his scream, Sasuke's dick shot a fountain of cum into the air, thumping his head against the rock so hard he nearly knocked himself out. Naruto was glad that Sasuke was merely dazed. It would be awkward trying to explain to Mikoto why her son was unconscious and covered in sperm. Giving Sasuke some much-needed time to clean up was a must, so Naruto made his way back to the path they'd taken. He soon found Mikoto, worried and slightly lost.

"Mrs. Uchiha! What are you doing out here?" His jog came to a slow stop, stirring the dirt beneath their feet.

"It's time to start getting ready for the benefit. I was going to tell Sasuke to take a shower and find his suit. Where is he?"

"He said he'd catch up. Let's go. You should be preparing yourself."

"Alright…"

Mikoto was troubled by the absence of her son, but her uncertainties faded when Naruto put a friendly arm around her and chattered away joyously. He was such a good boy.

I0I0I0I0I

Mikoto looked positively stunning. Lips painted a sober rouge and grey eyes smoky with the makeup tricks she'd played on them, Naruto could only stare. Her black dress was magnificent, short enough to show off her shapely legs and make her already full breasts more attractive, but not in a way that she came off as slutty. Presently she was struggling to fit a backing to an earring, hair falling in silky sheets around her sweet face. Dreamily sighing, Naruto wished that he had a camera to capture this perfect moment. She looked like a swallowtail butterfly. How was it possible for someone to be that beautiful? Basking in her ethereal glow made him feel insignificant in comparison. Nothing could ruin this moment.

"Sasuke, honey, you have to get dressed. We're leaving in forty minutes."

Almost nothing, that is.

"Hn," Sasuke grunted from the loveseat, not bothering to tear his eyes away from the reality show he was watching on TV. He was still in the dirty clothes he'd been wearing the entire day.

"Would you help me zip up, Naruto?"

"Sure thing."

Naruto could barely contain his excitement. He got up and stood behind her, heart racing at a mile a minute. Tentatively he rested his hand on her lower back, trying to find the small zipper in the dark fabric. He could feel her breath quickening momentarily before she returned to pleading Sasuke to put on his suit. Oh, if only that meddlesome Sasuke wasn't here! He would pull that zipper down instead of up and let his hands roam her softly toned body as he told her the things she made him feel. Who cared if she had a husband and two kids?

Metal met his grasp and he guided it up slowly, shaking at the closeness to her flawless skin. Naruto hesitated when he reached her upper back and her strapless bra was in plain sight. Unlatching it would be simple from this position. Blushing as red as her lipstick, Naruto looked down to distract himself from his dirty thoughts. There he discovered that her dress revealed no panty lines. She was wearing a thong. Probably a black one with lace. Pink or white. Either would look good on Mikoto. Red lace was too bold, too 'in your face' for her. Blue would be nice as well, a strong deep blue that curved around her thighs.

Maybe the bra matched. Nothing overly extravagant. Strapless ones were pretty plain, a rhinestone in that perfect place between the breasts as a bit of embellishment and not much else. It was probably one of those padded bras so you couldn't tell when a girl's nipples were hard because she was cold. Hard nipples didn't exactly fit in with her proud, dignified public face.

Why was Sasuke here ruining things for them? He wanted to find out what Mrs. Uchiha had on under that little black dress of hers and he couldn't because Sasuke was being a moron and wouldn't go leave to put on his stupid suit.

Damn his adolescent hormones, he'd already popped a chubby! He hadn't even imagined her naked yet. Older women had no right to be this sexy.

"Sasuke, get a move on. We need to go."

"Don't wanna," the brunette mumbled. Two drunk bitches had just started a catfight in the middle of a parking lot. He had to know how it turned out.

"While you're back there, Naruto, could you put this necklace on me?"

"Yes!" Naruto half-squeaked, dick getting harder than he thought humanly possible. The thing could probably cut diamond by now.

Parting the hair at the nape of her neck was a task that he relished, longing to kiss the milky skin. He connected the clasp with its corresponding loop and admired his work.

"How's that?"

"Perfect, dear. Thank you. Sasuke, I really don't want to go to this by myself."

"Take Itachi." Sasuke's response system was on autopilot.

"You know Itachi is in Taiwan. For once can't you not put up a fight? Do it for me, please."

"Mrs. Uchiha, I'll go," Naruto offered.

Her surprise was lovely, eyes innocently wide as she turned to bring them face-to-face. "Really?"

"Sure."

"You'll have to be quick. Take a shower while I go find Sasuke's suit. It should fit you."

"Alright." He needed a shower anyway. A nice, cold one.

"Thank you so much, Naruto."

She kissed his cheek and he walked on air.

I0I0I0I0I

"Did you see?"

"Who is that boy?"

"He's so young!"

"Do you think…?"

Not even ten minutes into the gathering and they were already the talk of the evening. Mikoto Uchiha had arrived in style on the arm of a handsome young man. Eyes feasted upon the two of them, both in black with a pink ribbon pin fastened on their lapels. Throughout the opening speech, thoughts were of the two of them, mindlessly applauding when appropriate as they tried to discern the lad's identity. A family member of a breast cancer victim? A bodyguard-in-training? A high class male prostitute? No one knew for sure. One thing for certain was that they intended to find out. When the talking was said and done with, the vultures began circling the odd couple, waiting for someone to take the first step.

Mikoto sensed the tension, keeping a cool front and sipping champagne from a glass flute. Naruto seemed to bill the atmosphere as a norm for rich people parties. He snacked on shrimp puffs and the other various finger foods that a few brave waiters dared to carry to them, wishing that this had been a dinner event. With some trepidation and Mikoto's permission, he was allowed to have a single glass of wine. He drank it sparingly, knowing it would have to last him the entire night.

Eventually someone came up to them, a woman in a fine golden dress. "Mikoto, so good to see you! It's been far too long."

"Genevieve, I agree. How's your daughter?"

She wasn't about to waste any time getting down to business. "Excellent, but I must digress. Everyone's been dying to know who this lovely young man you've brought is."

Hearing the magic words, curious attendants converged on the conversation.

"This is Naruto, Sasuke's friend. He came on vacation with us and since Sasuke couldn't make it tonight, he offered to escort me instead."

"Is that so? How sweet. It's nice to meet you, Naruto." Genevieve extended her hand and Naruto shook it.

"Nice to meet you too."

Another woman seized the opportunity to jump in. "So, what do you do for a living?"

"Uh… I'm in high school."

"How lovely. What year?"

"Sophomore."

"Do you do any extracurricular activities?" queried a third.

"Yeah. I used to be in wrestling, but now I'm just doing track and cross-country." He shook her hand as well.

More crowded around the blonde, fawning on him like he was a well-trained pet. Naruto couldn't say that he particularly disliked the attention, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with it either. Some of the ladies had creepy too-tight Botox faces and so far it seemed like they were the most touchy-feely ones, squeezing his biceps and patting his pectorals. Was getting felt up by middle-aged women normal at this sort of shindig? What about the families they were supposed to be sponsoring? Where were they?

A heavily jeweled hand suddenly groped his butt and he jumped a bit, startled at the indecent intent. The woman beamed at him shamelessly with her blindingly bright bleached teeth and he broke out into a nervous sweat, wondering how he should respond. Keeping a level head was the key to handling this and making Mikoto proud. Suppressing the urge to run away from the lecherous older women was the difficult part. Unfortunately, he had a nasty feeling that if he didn't flee, the horde would snatch him up in their talons and steal him away to a dark broom closet to do horrible, horrible things to him. While a couple of them were actually pretty decent looking, he still didn't want his first experience with an older woman to be one of them. It had to be Mikoto or nothing at all.

"You're so adorable," crooned one Botox monstrosity. "Do you have a nice little girlfriend back home?"

"Um… Yes. I love her very much." It was the gospel truth, except for when she was hitting him.

"How nice to see dedication to relationships in someone so young! But you know, you can't always be so serious. Don't you ever let your hair out sometimes? Have a fling?" Boldly going where the other ladies had yet to go thus far, she found his crotch and fondled it appraisingly.

Naruto bit back a yelp. If this was what happened at every event, he completely understood why Sasuke never wanted to go. Surely someone would notice this molestation, right? Alas, it was not so. People were packed so tightly around them that her act went unseen and the groping continued. Instinct told him he couldn't call her out. She would deny it and be believed. Borderline on breaking down, he tapped Mikoto's side and pointed south at the ongoing mischief with his eyes.

Mikoto immediately released him from his duty. "Naruto, be a dear and tell the band that I've got a request for them. Here."

She borrowed a pencil from a server and passed Naruto a napkin with words scribbled on it in hasty cursive.

"Sure thing, Mrs. Uchiha!" Bounding off into the crowd gave him a massive dose of relief as he got a chance to escape the harpies, if only for a short while.

"Mrs. Uchiha? He's certainly something." Genevieve looked Mikoto up and down. "Does his courtesy extend to all areas?"

"I don't like what you're implying."

The vultures began picking, picking. "Why aren't your sons or husband here?"

"If you'd been listening to me you'd know that Fugaku and Itachi are in Taiwan and Sasuke was feeling sick." Mikoto's tone was cold, clipped.

"So you take a virtual stranger—"

"He's not a stranger. Sasuke has him over nearly every day and he spends about ten or twenty minutes with me to ask me how I've been." Nearly every day was an overstatement. Naruto showed up at their home about once or twice a week and Sasuke completely monopolized his time there. Truthfulness wouldn't help in this instance.

"Never mind these sad sacks, Mikoto. We don't care about any of that."

Mikoto was touched. "Lulu…"

"Tell us, how is he in bed? Bet he's got quite the stamina, what with all that running. Not to mention the flexibility from those old wrestling days! The poses he can get into must be incredible!"

Emphasis on 'was'.

"I am appalled that you could even suggest I'm sleeping with a sixteen year old. That says quite a lot about what you think of both of our characters."

"Come on, Mikoto. Don't try to play us. Why wouldn't you sleep with a hot young stud like that? He's big in all the places it counts and so innocent it should be a crime!"

"We could start with 'he's sixteen' and follow up with 'it's illegal'."

"Mrs. Uchiha, they said they'd play it when they're finished with this song."

Everyone immediately reconstructed their facades as Naruto returned to the group.

"Come along, Naruto. I just remembered that I have to get up early tomorrow."

Naruto blinked at her dumbly. So that struggling past the crowd had been for nothing? Getting away from the women for a second had been nice, but he imagined she had to perform a bit more lip service than this to be able to say mission accomplished. "Okay?"

"That's such a _shame_ you have to go." Genevieve frowned deeply. "It was nice meeting you, Naruto. I hope to see more of you in the future."

"Likewise, I think." Not in a million years. He wasn't sure he could handle another evening like this.

"Hold my clutch while I call for the limo, Naruto." She gave him the small bag and though he thought he probably he looked like a total moron carrying it, he did it anyway. The sudden mood change was disconcerting. Did the other women say something while he was gone?

They stood at the front door, waiting for the car and Naruto leaned over to whisper, "Were they being mean, Mrs. Uchiha? I mean, I'm against hitting girls, but I'll punch their lights out for you."

Mikoto smiled faintly, but her eyes were sad. "No, Naruto. They don't deserve that."

"Are you sure? 'Cause I'm serious."

"You're a sweet boy, Naruto. Don't let anyone say otherwise." She patted his arm. "Now, I'm going to be frank with you about a few things once we get in the car. Please don't be scared by the things I might say."

When the limo arrived, she plopped down in the back with a disgruntled sigh. Naruto timidly sat across from her, wondering what sort of words she intended to use that might frighten him. Neither spoke until the car was in motion. Mikoto watched the buildings roll past.

"I hate those stupid, stuck-up bitches."

Naruto's jaw dropped to the floor. He'd never heard Mrs. Uchiha curse before. She wouldn't even say idiot. "Wow."

"They're shallow and self-centered and have the brainpower of a baked potato. When they're bored, they cook up ridiculous scandals for the fun of it. I have a goddamn master's degree in finite mathematics, so why am I stuck talking to them about fashion and kids and uninteresting shit like that? Don't they care about anything going on outside of their own bubble worlds? To even insinuate such a thing—ugh!" She kicked the door of the car so hard that the stiletto point of her heel broke off her shoe. "Worthless, mouth-breathing sows!"

"Wow." Naruto didn't dare move for fear of disrupting the fascinating scene.

"They wouldn't know hard work if it jumped up and bit them in the ass!" She kicked the door again. "I got a job when I was fourteen so I could go to a private school and get a better education. I studied for hours and always did my homework, hoping that I could be the first person in my family to go to college. I stayed away from the party lifestyle my classmates were enjoying and never broke a law. I did all that to get where I am now, but they never had to do so much as lift a finger!"

"Wow."

"They aren't the slightest bit grateful to have what they do! You know where I grew up? The east side of Konoha. You know, the slums. The ghetto. Whatever they're calling it these days." She took a calming breath. "I got stabbed once, on my way home from school. Some bitch said her boyfriend dumped her because he liked me and came at me like a psycho. Fortunately she didn't know basic anatomy because she stabbed me here," She pointed at her right breast. "thinking that she'd got me in the heart. She sure was surprised when I came to school the next day. Maybe I'll show you the scar sometime."

"Wow."

"Every day I pray that I can keep living like I do. Right now, the only way is for me to mingle with those superficial bitches. I do it because I have to. Naruto, don't let yourself get trapped into something that you're not happy with."

"You're not happy?"

"I suppose I am. I have two healthy sons and a husband who provides for us and a house to live in. That's more than some people can say. It's just that the glitter has faded and I can see what I have to give up for my family to be happy. There are many sacrifices you'll have to make when you're older, Naruto. Pick the right ones."

"You're…"

"I'm sorry if I ruined whatever image you had of me. I try to play the 'nice mother' when Sasuke's friends are around, but it's hard to be disingenuous with you. Someday you'll make a woman very happy."

"You're incredible," Naruto breathed, eyes shining.

If anything, her outburst only made him love her more.

I0I0I0I0I

"—and so she said—"

"Naruto!"

The blonde looked away from Mikoto at the pool. Sasuke bobbed in the chlorinated water with a scowl on his face. Reluctantly Naruto got up from his lounging position, taking what he expected to be a final sip of the cool fruit punch he'd brought out with him. With a running start, Naruto leapt into the pool, making a massive wave that he dedicated to Mikoto. Sasuke waited for his friend to surface, seeking him in the choppy water. Something tightened around his ankle and yanked him down. Deeper and deeper they went until Sasuke's brain caught up with his body enough to begin flailing blindly at his friend. Naruto let him go and the brunette hurried back to the light.

Gasping for air, his glare only grew surlier as a blonde head broke the surface of the water. "What was that for?"

"Interrupting my conversation."

"What's been up with you and my mom? You do everything she asks you to: clean the pool, mow the lawn, trim the hedges…" Sasuke counted the menial tasks out on his fingers. "Now you're having full blown chats?"

"What can I say? She's interesting."

"She's a thirty-eight year old married woman. What could possibly be interesting about her?"

He could sing Mikoto's virtues all the livelong day. "What isn't? She's smart and funny and—"

"Dude. I know her. I'll grant you're kinda right about the smart part, but she's just a plain old mom."

"Whatever." Naruto began swimming away, intending to go finish listening to Mikoto's story.

Sasuke caught him by the arm and pulled him closer. "Do you have a crush on my mom?"

Treading water, Naruto chuckled nervously. Sasuke was on to him. "What are you, stupid? Just 'cause I think your mom is cool doesn't mean I _like_ her. She's twice my age."

Twice his age and damn good looking to boot…

Sasuke seemed satisfied with the answer, visibly relaxing. "You're totally screwing up your break. You're supposed to hang with me, not her."

"Yeah, yeah…"

Truth be told, he was getting tired of 'walks' and hours of sitting around doing nothing. Mikoto was an escape from the monotony. But as they say: 'bros before hoes.'

I0I0I0I0I

Whoever came up with that phrase was a moron. There he was in his sleeping bag, trying to mind his business when he heard grunting coming from the bed. So much for getting a good night's sleep.

"Dude, are you flogging the dolphin again? You're gonna kill it."

"Ahh, it hurts so good…" Sasuke groaned, bringing himself closer to his peak. "Gotta get in as many as I can while I've got my inspiration at my fingertips."

"That's it, I'm leaving."

Naruto rolled out of his sleeping bag and got up, intending to get some ice cream sandwiches so when he passed out on the couch, his dreams would be sweet. He rounded up a couple of Klondike bars and was making his way to the living room when he heard a faint noise coming from Mikoto's bedroom. He knocked and opened the door a crack, sneaking a peek at what was going on inside. The Uchiha woman was sitting on the bed, with her head buried in her hands.

She looked up, startled. "Who's there?"

"It's me, Mrs. Uchiha." Naruto felt guilty, though he wasn't entirely sure why.

"Did I disturb you, Naruto?" Her face was wet and red. She was crying.

"Nah, I was just walking by... Are you okay?" She said nothing. "Stupid question, huh? Can I come in?"

"There's no reason why you shouldn't."

Naruto took a seat on the bed next to her, offering her one of the Klondike bars. She accepted, cradling the treat in her palms. Storm-grey eyes lingered on the tinfoil wrapper, recalling a cherished memory.

"These used to be Sasuke's favorite. He would always pout whenever we ran out and he wouldn't stop pouting until I bought some more. I always try to have a box in the house because of it, but now he says that sweets are for little kids and I don't know what he wants. I don't know what he likes. I don't really know anything about him. He doesn't talk to me like he used to." She began to eat, salty tears trailing down her cheeks.

So as to make the situation less awkward, Naruto ate as well. "Maybe he wants his space."

"He says less than five words to me in a day, more if he's looking for something, but that's it! The only way I can learn anything about him is by going through his room and I hate doing that."

"I guess I could get you started on the right path." Naruto scratched his foot, racking his brain for the compendium of his Sasuke-based knowledge. "He likes tomatoes and salmon and other seafood stuff. He likes music, but he's not obsessed with it. I don't know his favorite band, but he listens to a lot of Guns N' Roses and he absolutely hates Nirvana and The Beatles. He's pretty into pop music too. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but he's crazy about porn."

"What? Where does he get it?"

"Um… He kinda borrows it from me. He gets scary when he hasn't…" Naruto made a slight jerking motion with his hand, hoping it wasn't too vulgar for her. "…for a while. He doesn't have any of his own because he knows you look through his stuff and think you'll tell his dad."

"I had been wondering why I hadn't found anything like that… How's his dating life? A girlfriend? A… boyfriend?"

"He was dating this chick named Yugito for a while, but they broke up all of a sudden and he won't tell me why. I guess it ended pretty badly. I'm positive he's not into guys." Naruto felt his skin crawl at the thought of Sasuke with another boy. That would be weird to the umpteenth degree.

"Is he having sex?"

"Only in his head."

Mikoto laughed a bit, crumpling up her wrapper. "Is it wrong for me to be asking about my own son?"

"Maybe." Naruto shrugged, tossing both wrappers on the nightstand. "I'm glad you stopped crying. You were making me sad. A beautiful woman like you should never have to cry."

"You flatter me." Mikoto wiped the wetness from her cheeks. "I just feel like I live in a house of strangers. My sons are apathetic, my husband is a workaholic, and I'm stuck playing the good wife. Even when I try to do nice things for them, it's like I don't exist. I'm practically a glorified maid. Fugaku is the worst of them. He always tells the boys to respect me, but he can't do it himself. He barely knows anything about me." She leaned into Naruto, bitter tears flowing freely once more.

Naruto stroked her hair assuringly. "Talk to me. Maybe it'll make you feel better."

"We met in college, so he doesn't know that I'm from the slums. He says he likes my brains but he all but fired me as his business partner because a company party I arranged went a couple hundred dollars over budget. He said that he thought I might like spending more time with Sasuke and Itachi took my place, but I know the truth. 'If she can't stay on a simple budget, how can she help manage a major corporation?' When I ask him what's going on at work, he has the audacity to say 'it's not important.' As if the main source of our income isn't important to me!

The funny thing is that when Itachi's in a rut, he asks me for advice. But he always takes credit for my ideas and my husband is none the wiser. And don't even get me started on our home life! When my husband remembers to come home, he usually wants sex. If I'm too tired or not in the mood, he says I'm not fulfilling my duty as a wife. When _I_ want sex, he treats me as if I'm diseased. He gives the staff the week off and quarantines me until he thinks my lust has passed. How sad is that? I know it was the way he was raised, but isn't that going too far?"

"Definitely too far." Naruto hugged her closer. Her hair smelled like frankincense and myrrh.

"He expects me to give him more sons, but I just don't want to raise another child. Two is enough. I take birth control so there are no accidents, but I'm terrified of what he'll do if he finds out."

Naruto's blood ran cold. "He's not—"

"No, please don't misunderstand! He's never hit me. But he might be disappointed enough to divorce me. He could take my sons away and throw me out on the street without a second thought. It's like my entire family only tolerates me because I'm convenient to have around. I have no joy in my life." Mikoto clutched tighter to the blonde. "I've wanted to kill myself so many times. What's the point of living if you have no joy?"

"Mrs. Uchiha, I could probably talk to Sasuke and Itachi to try to change things. But your husband is another story."

"He used to be charming and attentive… What happened? Why doesn't he ever come home?" Mikoto sobbed. "Why can't he see I'm suffering?"

Naruto cupped her cheeks and stared deep into her eyes. She looked lost, devoid of hope. "I would never hurt you like he does."

Big words for a sixteen year old.

"Naruto, I…"

"I'd do anything it takes. Drop out of school, get a job… I could kidnap you and hold you hostage until they promise to either treat you better or let me have you as my own. Anything it takes to make you less miserable."

"Don't be ridiculous, Naruto."

"Is it because I'm young? That doesn't matter. Your happiness is what's important to me."

"You've got a girlfriend."

"I think she's great, but—"

"Be realistic." Making a sacrifice as big as the one he intended to at such a young age would be too much for him to bear.

"I can't stand seeing you hurting like this!" Naruto wanted to show her what she meant to him. His lips itched to kiss her passionately. His body ached with want to feel her bare skin against his. Why wouldn't she let him prove that he could be a better man than Fugaku?

"We can get family counseling."

"You think they'll go to those sessions? I know the Uchiha family. Getting counseling means that there's something wrong and an Uchiha never admits he's wrong."

Mikoto looked away guiltily.

"Marry me."

"What did you say?"

"Marry me, Mikoto. I don't have a ring yet, but—"

"Naruto, I can't elope with you. It's illegal. Not to mention what the press will say. Besides, Itachi and Sasuke won't accept you as their stepfather."

"Things have to change." Her hands seemed so small as he clasped them between his.

"We'll make a compromise."

"What kind of compromise?"

"I'll marry you when you turn twenty-one."

"Why then?"

Five years was plenty of time for him to realize that he was being silly. "What's a wedding without champagne? At the worst, people will say I'm a cougar instead of a pedophile."

"It's a promise?"

The kid had no idea he was being duped. Mikoto almost felt bad about doing this. "Yes, a promise."

I0I0I0I0I

"Give my regards to your grandpa, Naruto. He always has the best porn." Sasuke felt quite refreshed after this latest 'walk' and was in a pleasant mood. "Where'd you end up going last night?"

"I was with your mom."

Sasuke stared at Naruto as if he'd grown a second head. "What do you mean you were 'with' her? Did you bang my mom?"

"No, you retard!"

"Good. I can't let her be your sugar mama. She can't get both of us nice things. That's all she's good for in the first place."

"All she's good for?" Naruto saw red. "She has a master's from one of the best colleges in the nation! She helped run a massive company until your stupid dad fired her so your brother could steal her job! She takes care of you and loves your ungrateful ass more than almost anything else in this world! Buying stuff is all she's good for?"

"What the hell, man?" Sasuke had never seen Naruto flip out this bad about such a tiny thing before.

"Tell me, when was the last time you did something nice for your mom?"

"I don't—"

"When was the last time you told her that you loved her? Huh?" Naruto jabbed Sasuke in the chest with his index finger.

"You're not seriously in love with her, are you?" Sasuke was fast retreating.

Naruto kept jabbing away. "When was the last time you even talked to her for more than ten seconds?"

"It's been a while, but—"

"Maybe if you'd joined our discussion last night, you'd know that your bratty behavior makes her so miserable that she's thought about killing herself dozens of times! You, who supposedly knows everything, did you know that? And it's not just you. It's your father and your brother too! Do something about it!"

Sasuke was overwhelmed at this surge of new information. "Mom… wants to kill herself?"

"Not right now. But she was considering taking your dear old dad's gun and blowing her brains out when we were on our way here. She only decided postpone it because she didn't want to upset her guest." Naruto stopped poking his friend and collared his neck with his hands instead. "So help me god, if you ever make her cry over your selfish ass again, I'll kill you with my bare hands."

"I—"

"Save it for your mother, punk."

Naruto shoved the startled boy away, watching him land square on his ass. Knowing his task was complete, he began his walk back to the house. Soft footsteps crushed the grass behind him, Sasuke at his heels to rectify years of gross misconduct.

Mikoto was sipping a glass of iced tea at a table for two in the pavilion next to the pool when they arrived back at the summer house. With a trained grace she rose to her feet, sundress falling neatly in place. "Would you boys like some tea?"

"Nah, I'm gonna head inside." Naruto dismissed himself quickly.

Head bowed low, Sasuke shuffled over to his mother and laid his head on her shoulder. Shaking, he stays there and whispers only, "I didn't know."

The look on the woman's face was borderline magical, a flower halted by winter's bitter afterthoughts finally coming into vivid full bloom. She embraced her son, who did not reciprocate the gesture. "You have no idea how happy you've made me, Sasuke."

From a window, Naruto observes, satisfied with the results. It was far from perfect, but a step towards good.

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto bounced in place with barely constrained excitement. Sasuke was trying to look as disassociated with him as humanly possible. The blonde wasn't supposed to be coming along, but he'd overheard the discussion over the phone and insisted on joining him. The elevator pinged as they reached the top floor and opened its silver maw to release them from the confined space they'd been stuck in for the last twenty-nine floors. Being unaccustomed to such modern styles of housing, Naruto browsed the hall to admire abstract paintings that had subtitles like 'why do clouds make the heart feel so lonely?' Room 3004 was their destination, though the entire floor had been rented out by a sole person. Before Sasuke could even knock, the door opened for them.

"You don't come home nearly enough, Sasuke."

The familiar voice triggered Naruto's memory and he shoved his friend out of the way so he could pick up the woman in a tremendous hug. "Mrs. Uchiha!"

"Naruto." Her eyes, now slightly wrinkled at the corners, smiled at him. "You finally passed me in height."

"Do you remember our promise?" He hadn't seen Mikoto in nearly five years, but he remembered the events at the summer house like it had happened yesterday.

"Indeed I do."

"I'm a couple years late and I still don't have a ring, but that's okay, right?" He set her down gently.

"A promise is a promise."

"What are you talking about?" Sasuke demanded.

Naruto dropped down to one knee, offering his heart. "Will you marry me, Mikoto Uchiha?"

If one listened closely, you could hear the sound of Sasuke's world turning completely inside out. "Say what?"

"If you'll have an old woman like me, then I most certainly will."

"Forty-five is far from old. You don't look a day over twenty-nine." Naruto pulled himself to his feet and patted Sasuke on the shoulder. "I'm your daddy now, kiddo."

Passing out was something that Sasuke rarely did and he did not take pride in the fact that he did it at this time.

Regaining consciousness on the loveseat in his parent's apartment moments later, he immediately grabbed his mother by the hem of her skirt. "You can't marry him! He's half your age! He snores like a chainsaw and he doesn't clean up after himself and he refuses to go to college and his farts smell like something crawled up his ass and died! This is some sort of cruel joke, right?"

"Sasuke, I know this is hard for you to understand, but when two people love each other very much, they decide to get married. Mikoto and I have loved each other for many years now and it's time to take the next step." Naruto tried to use his most fatherly voice. Manly tears glistened in his blue eyes as he continued, "I'm not trying to replace your father, but I'd like you to consider me as a parental figure in your life."

The thought of having to call Naruto 'dad' sent Sasuke from distraught to psychotic in about 2.3 seconds. He grabbed Naruto by the throat and began strangling him with every fiber of muscle he could muster. "I'll kill you before you can lay your filthy hands on her!"

"Sasuke!" Mikoto barked. The fun and games were over. "Mind your temper and let go of Naruto. I am still very much in love with your father and I'm sure Naruto has a special woman in his life as well."

"Thank god…" If they had been serious, he really would have killed Naruto.

"Dude, I loved your mom when I was sixteen. I've got Tenten now. Though I do still think she's a total babe." Naruto winked at the Lady Uchiha.

Mikoto giggled girlishly and Sasuke gagged. "Get out of here, Naruto. You weren't even invited."

"There's bottled water in the refrigerator if you'd like some. I think I have some fruit as well."

"Thanks, but no thanks. I've done what I came to do. Good to see you again, Mrs. Uchiha." He bent down and kissed her cheek like she'd kissed his so many times before. "I'll catch a cab."

Once Naruto left the room, Mikoto smiled sweetly at her son. "I got the things you asked for."

She handed him a stack of manila folders and he leafed through them briefly. Each had a person labeled on the tab that corresponded to the information inside. They had a fair bit of paper inside of them, except for one, which was oddly lacking. The histories were in perfect chronological order and the folders were alphabetized. Not a t was left uncrossed and her various notes were included in their entirety. A stellar job, as always. If being a business mogul got too boring for her, she really had the potential to be a detective.

"Thanks."

"Most of them seem clear. The restaurant staff varied from DWIs to shoplifting, which is petty compared to one of the chefs. Convicted of attempted murder in the first degree. Got off early for good behavior and excelled in the work program at his prison. Might have changed his ways, but who really knows with those guys?" She shrugged. From personal experience, she knew that the prison cycle never really ended, like a bad addiction. It was likely that the man would be back in prison within a year or two. "Everything you need to know about him is in there, down to his preferred toothpaste brand."

"Anyone else interesting?"

"The others… Apparently that Killerbee fellow was involved in a domestic violence dispute when he was younger, but I couldn't get all the details because the charges were dropped. Watch out for that roommate of his, though. There's something off about him."

"Off how?"

"I couldn't find anything on him. Not even a birth certificate."

"That's impossible."

"Disturbing is what it is. Isn't he one of Itachi's friends?"

0o0

What does it all mean? Why is Sasuke doing background checks on these people? Why isn't Zetsu in the system and how the hell did Sasuke's mom score a chapter this long? **So many questions!**

Will they be answered next time around? Who knows? (Besides me, I mean.)

On an unrelated note… We broke the 200 comment barrier. You can't see it, but I'm partying inside my head. If we hit 250, I'll do some requests. Start throwing out anything you want to see in the fic, random as it may be. All will be considered and if you ask nicely, I might manage to do something crazy like a double update! (Two chapters, one epic day! Also, a very exhausted me.)

Thanks for reading this far. I hope you'll continue on to the end.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	11. Handy Man

Broke Straight Guys

Fic Recs:

Gaikokujin by **shutupandsing** (There's something unique about it. The ending is kinda sad, though. But in a good way.)

Under the Tibetan Sky by **rakaboyi** (Very interested to see where this one is going. I'm not sure if it's on ffnet, so if you happen to see it, give it a read.)

Breathless by **TheNewFrontiersman** (To celebrate the DVD release of Kick-Ass, here's a Kick-Ass fic that does indeed kick ass. It's violent. It's dark. It's as tremendously wicked as the source material.)

Phew… I think that I've finally gotten through that chunk of NaruSasu recs that had been piling up. It is, after all, one of the pairings I tend to wander towards when the NaruGaaNaru scene is being sluggish. Fortunately, I think we got a little spunk back in us since the Spam Day. Let's see if we can keep it up!

This chapter is most humbly dedicated to: **DeLongeSauce111, Sesshysgirl06, DimintheMoonlight, Xeniaph, JessMess, Strawberry-Blond Kunoichi, Ugawa, Catastrophic Monsoon, falltotemptationx, kuriqa, JessicaLovezU, Prism0467, callmebaby'08', Kratos the Divine, TigrezzTail, JSkellington1, **and** Redfaerie.** We did it, y'all! We're through the woods of the side stories!

0o0

Handy Man

0o0

Fists pummeled punching bags and a cloud of sweat filled the air. He'd long gotten used to it, as he'd been told he would. In the ring his sweetheart danced back and forth on the balls of his feet, moving in brutal choreography with his foe. Staying at the door was his best bet for now, so he didn't distract the combatants and end the fight prematurely for one of them. Regulars of the gym muttered quick greetings as they passed. Recognition was a blessing in itself, given that he hadn't though they'd accept his lanky, decidedly unmanly presence. In their eyes, he probably came off as downright feminine. Nothing for them to take seriously or to consider as a threat, rather a creature too piteous to mock that walked amongst them with his tail between his legs as he submitted to their alpha male status. Getting harassed was something that had worried him once he became a frequent visitor, but up to this point he'd had no issues with it. Dating one of the toughest guys in the place seemed to help.

They hadn't exactly come out and announced their couple status to the world, but the fellows seemed to be able to put two and two together. In fact, most of them seemed brighter than he'd originally imagined. No one voiced grief about their union, so he figured that things were sound. Unbeknownst to him was the insidious plot to rid him from the lives of the gym and its members schemed up by a devious youth and his reluctant friend, who was currently mustering up the courage to try and talk to their unsuspecting victim.

Udon was shaking in his boots. In his humble opinion, Gaara was a pretty nice guy, queer or not. On the other hand, Konohamaru couldn't stand him and was absolutely convinced the man was Satan incarnate come to convert Naruto and the rest of the gym's men into the evils of same-sex love. Due to his crippling social awkwardness, Udon wasn't exactly the best at making new friends and being lonely sucked. Therefore, he was more than willing to do whatever it took—short of murder, naturally—to maintain the integrity of the few friendships he had. Wasting time on thinking about whether it was right or wrong was useless. The end result would be the same. The time to act was now.

"Mr. Gaara?" Enraptured in the fight, Gaara didn't seem to hear him. He tried again, "Mr. Gaara, can I talk to you about something?"

How pathetic he sounded! What was Konohamaru thinking? This was a grown man they were dealing with, not one of the pothead slackers they saw at school. Did they honestly think they could pull one over on him?

Wincing as Killerbee took a glancing blow to the cheek, he turned slightly so he could keep one eye on his boyfriend and the other on the kid. "Yeah?"

"I was wondering, if you're not too busy—"

"Gaara, I need your opinion real quick."

Curses! Well, maybe he could back out now while there was still a chance. Konohamaru couldn't blame him. He'd tried and failed and now things could go back to normal.

"Hold that thought, Udon. What is it, Sakura?"

Given that she was Naruto's ex, Gaara had a hard time dealing with her in the beginning. Did man-code dictate that he should avoid her or not? It was very confusing. Opting for the safer path, he found excuses to not talk to her and did his damndest to ensure that the two of them were never alone together. Quickly tired of getting the runaround, Sakura cornered him in her office and threatened to introduce him to a world of pain like he'd never known if he didn't stop avoiding her. Gaara had no choice but to surrender.

He soon discovered she was actually rather nice when she wasn't about to inflict bodily harm upon him or Naruto or whoever else was convenient at the time. In fact, he had to profess a certain fondness towards her. Sakura reminded him a great deal of Tenten. Undoubtedly the two women would get along very well if they ever met. Keeping them apart had been unintentional up to this point. If Naruto was to be believed, it was their natural instincts telling them that putting together two dangerous women together had the potential to end very, very badly and Gaara had difficulties arguing otherwise.

"Listen up, I've got a date in three days. Should I get a haircut?" Sakura fingered her already short hair, flicking a strawberry blonde lock out of her face.

"You sound like you've already decided to get one." Pointless questions were pointless. Why ask when your mind was already made up?

"Irrelevant. What should I get done to it?"

"I don't know, ask your stylist," Gaara said irritably. Missing the fight was bad enough and he loathed being the default consultant of all things fashion. Being a gay man, he supposed he should expect it, but those who asked seemed to be masters of unfortunate timing. "I think it's fine. Is that it?"

"Sheesh, catty much?" Sakura cocked a neatly groomed brow at him. "Take my advice: get laid. It'll do you a world of good."

Like he hadn't already figured that out. Who knew that taking it slow and waiting for the right moment could be such a pain? The furthest he'd gotten with Killerbee since that dinner was some heavy petting and they always stopped at a crucial point. Frustration kept building and building so steadily that he thought his balls were going to turn blue and fall off. He almost felt sympathetic for the exes he'd played coy with when they wanted to get it on. Diligent self-servicing had become a part of his routine and when he missed an appointment with Mr. Righty, things never got better. In fact, when their last session started to get hot and heavy, he'd completely humiliated himself.

As usual, they'd started with kissing and worked their way to touching that devolved into groping mere seconds before it happened. Killerbee was speaking in that soft, sexy whisper his voice never failed to drop into when they got themselves into this. Gaara couldn't remember what he'd been saying, but lord knows that it was beautifully sinful. His cock was rock hard against the fabric of his jeans, angry red and swollen to bursting. A steady stream of precum oozed from the head, drooling enthusiastically with each fresh touch Gaara received, be it on his shoulders or his ass. It was maddening beyond words.

One of Killerbee's big hands had slipped down between his thighs and cupped his sack, squeezing it gently as he whispered sweet nothings. Gaara promptly blew his load. Unable to stop the full body spasms brought on by the sudden orgasm, Gaara thrust his crotch frantically across Killerbee's palm like a dog in heat to maintain sweet contact as he rode out the waves. Jizz erupted from his cockhead in gushing pulses, making his briefs slippery and wet. He could feel it smearing further and further down his dick with each jerk of his hips until it was nearly at his asshole. Some animal noise—it couldn't be called a groan or a whimper or a roar, it was just this beastly _noise_—ripped out of his throat as his back arched and still he fucked that hand like it was his lifeline. Seizing for the last few times, he collapsed in a gelatinous heap and cried. To be brought to his peak by something as simple as a little touch was more than embarrassing, it was shameful. Was this the power of lust?

The mood had been awkward for the rest of the evening. Neither of them had expected it to happen. Gaara had cleaned himself up in the bathroom and Killerbee had been careful of how he handled his boyfriend until it was time for him to leave. The whole thing was driving him insane. Being so sexually aware of himself was frighteningly new. Before Killerbee, it had always taken the backseat in relationship. Now it was screaming bloody murder in the forefront of his mind whenever they were together.

Sakura was long gone by the time he wandered free of his haze, but Udon was still there, staring at him with an uneasy patience. Hadn't he had a question of some sort? "Sorry about that. My head was in the clouds. What did you want?"

"It's not that important, I should just go…"

"No, talk to me. What's bugging you?" Anything to get his mind off his own problem.

Udon was stuck. The bait had been taken and it was time to reel in the prize. He could feel Konohamaru burning a hole in his back with his glare. "Can you…"

"Can I what?"

"Teach me how to be gay?"

Shock immediately registered on Gaara's face. "Say what?"

"Teach me how to be gay." More confident, he straightened up and looked Gaara dead in the eye.

"Is this a joke or something? If so, it's not a very good one."

"You won't do it?"

"I can't teach you a sexual orientation." Gaara couldn't believe he was even having this conversation. "On top of that, I don't want to help you do something you might regret later. You're not old enough to really know you're gay."

"When did you 'really know' you were?"

The kid had a point. He had completely switched over to men by age seventeen. "I can't 'teach' you anything, but the least we can do is fix your hair. You won't catch anyone's eye with such a cheap cut."

Udon felt deeply offended. His mother cut his hair. He loved his mother and to go elsewhere for his hair needs seemed borderline sacrilegious. But for the sake of the mission, he would have to do it.

"Fine."

"Got anything to write on?"

Udon offered his arm. Gaara put down his phone number on it in blue ink. It would last long enough for Udon to transfer the number to paper elsewhere.

"Call me sometime and I'll set up an appointment for you."

The first stage of the operation a success, Udon slinked back to report to Konohamaru like an underling serving an evil lord. Konohamaru would be pleased to hear that progress had been made in the destruction of the man he so vehemently despised. Their prey was oblivious as ever.

Gaara approached the ring deferentially, observing the savage dance between the two muscular gods who battled it out in the name of glory—or perhaps simple practice. Killerbee cornered his opponent, only to be forced back. Strategy-making was instantly resumed by both contenders, feeling for gaps in defense, wondering if the other was starting to get tired. The black wasp on Killerbee's shoulder flexed with each stinging punch, jabbing its ink weapon in a mime of his gloved fists. Gaara let his eyes wander down to the thickly muscled calves of his man, moving swiftly and as needed for the battle rhythm to be set. His grey athletic shorts reflected the lights in brevite, silvery flashes. From where he stood, Killerbee was larger than life.

"Dude, I am so freaking tired. Cardio kills." Someone gulped down what sounded like half a bottle of water right next to him. "I just wanna go home and pass out in bed and I'll have had a good day."

There went the moment. Killerbee was reduced to mere mortal once more. Gaara gave the intruder upon his daydream a simpering sideways glance. "Naruto, was there something you wanted in particular?"

Monstrous gurgling erupted from the boxer's belly. "Now that you mention it… Not saying that you have to cook or anything. I could cook—no wait, I suck ass at cooking. We could go to a restaurant. I got paid on Friday. Surf and turf sounds mighty fine right about now."

"Sorry, but my evening has already been booked up."

"Ohh, that's right! Stupid, stupid, stupid…" Naruto chuckled. "Sometimes I forget that you come to see Bee, not me. You got two got a hot date or something?"

"No, we were going to spend the night in." Provided that all went well, Gaara might just get Killerbee to scratch the itch that had been plaguing him so doggedly.

"Sounds sweet. Hey, would you mind if Sasuke and I—"

Screwed up his chances of having some consensual adult fun? Over his dead body! "It'll probably be boring. You wouldn't be interested."

"If you say so…" Naruto sighed. "Now I'll be stuck looking at Sasuke's stupid face yet again."

Gaara was a man on a mission. No amount of guilting was going to sway him. "Invite Tenten to your place."

"No way. I'm exhausted already and I haven't even done my shift yet. I love her, but she'd probably screw me to death. Or ask me to try using some of her 'toys' on her. I've been dodging that one for a couple weeks now." Naruto shuddered. What was the big deal with sex toys? Were men not good enough for them? No man worth his salt would dare try bringing one of those things into the bedroom. That was cheating, plain and simple.

"Have you considered that you could have her over and not have sex?"

Naruto began to say something, then paused and thought about it. "I guess not. You've totally solved my dilemma. I knew they had to be teaching you some good stuff at college."

"I should hope so with what I'm paying them to educate me."

Without them noticing, the match ended in a draw. Apparently the guy Killerbee had been fighting had a doctor's appointment that he was about to be late for. It was a shame, but there was always tomorrow. Killerbee undid his gloves and climbed over the ropes to greet his boyfriend.

"Hey, Gaara…"

"Hey."

Both of them were clueless as to what they should say and blushed nervously. The unfortunate premature ejaculation burned hotly in Killerbee's mind. Was he right in delaying the consummation of their relationship so long when it was obvious that Gaara wanted it? It wasn't like _he_ didn't. Handling Gaara with kid gloves bothered him and he held a deep sexual attraction for him. He didn't want to humiliate him again with a repeat of that night by stringing him along with more petting. Logic dictated that he should just go ahead and do it. Yet he couldn't.

That one nagging question tugged at his mind was the only thing stopping him, though he couldn't find the guts to ask. So long as that question went unanswered, he would maintain his celibacy. He had to.

Neither had found words to say.

Naruto broke the awkwardness. "Bee, I still can't figure out how you go from being the biggest badass I know to this. You really like Gaara, huh?"

"Yes." Killerbee's face betrayed his embarrassment and he adjusted his glasses. He was aware of his feelings, but to have them confirmed by someone else was slightly off-putting. "I do."

Taking note of the situation, Sakura grabbed Naruto by the ear and dragged him away. Once they were out of earshot, she furiously whispered, "Stop being such an idiot, idiot! They don't want you butting in on their together time!"

"But Sakura…"

"Don't 'but Sakura' me! Look at them!"

They looked.

"Ready for tonight?" Killerbee's voice was soft, tender.

"By that, if you mean I'm ready to surrender to your dorky tendencies and watch a marathon of some sci-fi show, then yes." Gaara couldn't fight the teasing smile that was currently gracing his lips.

Killerbee tutted at his boyfriend pityingly. "Not just some sci-fi show. Dr. Who. Don't you know it's a cultural phenomenon?"

"Excuse me for not watching BBC religiously to catch all the episodes."

"No need for that, I've got all the DVDs."

"Nerd."

"You only say that because you love me." Killerbee cuffed his lover playfully.

"Next thing I know, you'll be trying to convert me into being a Trekkie."

"How'd you know?"

Killerbee dipped his head and kissed him. Gaara's supple lips parted most willingly and Killerbee drew him closer. In his arms, Gaara almost felt like a toy. So small and fragile compared to his previous lovers. Most of them had been more of his stature except a few who'd been even bigger than him. There was a terrifying sense that if he squeezed Gaara too hard, he would break. The notion scared him so greatly he rarely dared to think of it for fear that it would come true like some sort of twisted premonition.

Public displays of affection such as these were uncommon and after the accidental orgasm incident, they had stopped completely. He took a shuddering breath, recalling that face Gaara had made as he came, that beautiful face. He had wanted to keep going, to make Gaara pull down his pants so he could suck on his cummy underwear, maybe toss his salad while he was at it. He had been curious about it for a while now, but he'd been playing bottom for his last few significant others and never had the chance. Never, until Gaara. If only he hadn't set these restrictions on himself! He could have licked the cum off Gaara's nuts and then jackhammered into that little white ass until the break of dawn—but it was not to be. Someone had to keep a rein on their desires and Gaara was fighting a losing battle with himself. He had to step up to the plate. This time, it had to be different. He couldn't go rushing into sex like he had so many times before. He was tired of hearing his lovers spout words of affection to get him into bed and then dump him the next day. He and Gaara deserved better than that.

They separated, panting lightly. It was the first time they had kissed in the gym. Whoever hadn't figured out they were gay sure as hell knew now.

"I'll make a sci-fi fan out of you yet."

The exchange didn't go unnoticed.

"What the hell?"

Udon had been hoping nothing would happen. "Don't make a scene, Kono…"

"You have to work faster, Udon. He's already infiltrated the gym and screwed up Mr. Bee. There's no way he was gay before now. He's not a sissy like _him_." Konohamaru chewed on his knuckles, suppressing his desire to erupt in a violent rant at the man who was corrupting the place he called home.

"How come you're so preoccupied with Mr. Gaara? I mean, you harass him at work and you want me to go undercover to find a way to destroy him. What do you have against him?"

"I don't care about him as a person, it's just what he is that gets under my skin. Men sleeping with men just isn't right." Konohamaru gave Gaara the evil eye for a few seconds before turning it on his friend. "You're not on his side, are you?"

"No, it's just… Isn't there a better way of doing this? This seems kinda excessive."

"Nothing is too obsessive for faggots. If you knew even half of the sick stuff they did, you wouldn't call it excessive."

Udon saw that arguing otherwise was futile, so he shut up. Konohamaru could be so high-strung sometimes.

In another section of the gym, Naruto had escaped Sakura for a moment to see his friends off. "Have fun with your marathon. I didn't know you were such a nerd, Bee."

Killerbee laughed and slapped Naruto on the back. Naruto wheezed, fairly sure that his ribcage had just been dislocated from his spine. Killerbee whispered, "Only Gaara gets to call me a nerd. Got it?"

"Got it…" He could feel his organs still sloshing around from the sudden jarring they'd received.

"What did I tell you about bothering them?"

"Sakuraaaa…" Naruto whined as she dragged him into her office.

"Sit." She pointed at the empty cot.

Naruto obeyed, sulking as Sakura crossed her arms and looked down at him. "What's wrong with wanting to hang out with my friends?"

"Couples need their space. Sometimes they want to be with each other, not you. They're trying to figure out whether or not they want to spend the rest of their lives together."

"Well I know that, but what's the big deal about hanging out? They're my friends. We do it all the time."

"They can't be intimate when you or Sasuke are around. They're too polite for that."

"Uh, polite? The first time Gaara met Bee, he said that he wanted Bee to bone him… but with slightly more detail." Not to mention that Killerbee had just practically reorganized his internal organs with a single smack. Politeness was selective for the two of them.

"Saying something is one thing. Actually doing it is another."

"They can be intimate around us!" It wasn't like he was saying 'don't make in front of us, it's gross'.

"Really? Name a time." Sakura was deadpan. Naruto was a nice guy, but he could be a complete dunce.

Naruto racked his brain for times Killerbee and Gaara had ever done anything remotely romantic in their presence. "They sit on the couch together when we watch TV."

"Is it snuggling or just sitting?"

"Sometimes Bee will put his arm around Gaara…" Now that he thought about it, they didn't do _anything_ when he was around. "But I hang out with them individually too! I was talking to Gaara about us going out and getting something to eat tonight before Bee finished his match! Bee already called dibs on him tonight, so we can do it some other time and I won't be rocking the boat!"

"Naruto, do you know what we call two people going out and doing things together? It's a date."

"It's a guy's night out!"

"No matter what way you try to spin it, it's basically a date. And you know what? Gaara wants to go on a date with his boyfriend, not you."

"But…"

Flickers of understanding had passed through those blue eyes. Progress. "Finally getting it through that thick skull of yours? Every time you take Gaara out on one of these dates—"

"It's not a date!"

"—or invite him over to your apartment, regardless of whether Bee is there with him or not, you are putting a strain on their relationship. You are taking time away from them that could be used on each other. You don't understand that there have to be boundaries for everyone to be happy. They aren't party all the time guys like Sasuke. Did you ever once stop to think 'maybe I shouldn't call them tonight' before you dialed their numbers?"

Naruto didn't get why she was trying to put this all on him. "I thought one of them would say no if they didn't want to!"

"They shouldn't have to! And I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with them at all, it's just that you do it too much! You're interrupting the flow of their lives by being an idiot! This has happened a million times before and you probably haven't even realized it!" Sakura had hoped that it wouldn't come to shouting. She closed the door out of courtesy for Naruto. Getting chewed out was never fun, less so when it was in a semi-public place. "You get a new friend and if you like them enough, you get clingy. Sometimes it works out, like with Sasuke. You eventually backed off enough after he put up with your crap for so long and things are going fine. It's not working out with Gaara and Bee. You have to stop it before you screw things up for all three of you."

There was nothing to screw up. Everything was fine… wasn't it? "Sakura, I—"

"Don't you see? This is part of why I broke up with you. You can't read all the cues, only the ones you want to. In other words, you're selfish and immature. People have lives, Naruto. And for the most part, they don't revolve around you."

Sakura gathered her things, ignoring the shell-shocked Naruto as she left for the day. She didn't intend to stick around for the repercussion. Naruto was an adult and he should have gotten over that habit by now. Selfishly thrusting himself into his friend's lives whenever it was convenient for him was not the way to live. In the end, people would get sick of it and leave him.

Leave him all alone.

Guilt began gnawing away at her. Being alone was Naruto's greatest fear, one he'd confided in her while they were still dating. He hadn't meant to, but on one of the rare occasions she deigned to spend the night in his place he had had a horrendous nightmare that he woke up screaming from. Seeing the normally unflappable man shaking and drenched in cold sweat had unnerved her deeply. Without prompting, words began flowing out of his mouth as he buried his head in his hands. She doubted he even knew what he was saying. The synopsis was fast and garbled, but she managed to get the gist of it. Solitude was Naruto's kryptonite.

Maybe she had said too much. He'd probably come to the same conclusion she had. Perhaps she should go back. But it was probably too late.

Sakura hailed a taxi and felt lower than a worm.

Packing his gear in his duffle bag, Naruto innocuously slipped out of the gym without being noticed. Why hadn't anyone said anything sooner? Or had he just not been listening, like Sakura said? How was he supposed to know that he was screwing up a relationship when neither member of the couple would speak up about it? Were the dozens of meals Gaara had made for them ones that would have preferably gone to Killerbee? Were the runs he and Killerbee went on a shallow substitute for another activity that could have been done with Gaara? Did they even like him?

Of course they did, he tried to assure himself. If they didn't like him, they would abandon him. Either way, what he had done was unforgivable.

Head low in shame, he trudged to work.

I0I0I0I0I

"Why are the Ood so creepy?" Gaara huddled closer to Killerbee, trying not to upset the popcorn bowl from his lap.

"I believe the appearance of a person or creature affects their public perception, so something that the general public considers to look creepy, then it's likely that all actions from said creature will be interpreted as creepy."

"Since when can a desire to summon an evil demon overlord to bring about mass destruction be construed as not creepy?"

"Good point."

Tilting his head back, the last remnants of cream soda swirled down the long neck of the bottle and into his throat. He chased it with a fistful of popcorn. Their attire was as casual as it could get without being naked: sweatpants and old t-shirts. Neither of them was going anywhere and Gaara would spend another—unfortunately—sexless night in his boyfriend's apartment.

Zetsu came out of his room in a green shirt that had some small company logo embroidered on the chest. "Oh, _The Satan Pit_. I like this one."

"Have fun at work," Killerbee said.

"I'll try." Out the door he went.

"Where does he work? That uniform looked familiar."

"It's called Wondertronics. They sell surplus electronics, I think. Zetsu is one of their best employees. He's always getting called in to check the merchandise and handle customers and clean up messes."

"They must not have much staff."

"That's what he said. Sometimes he's gone for a couple of days because they have him do long distance travel to pick up stuff from the supplier, 'cause he's got a CDL. Saves them money, I guess."

"Wow. Does he ever have free time?"

"They're pretty lenient with his schedule. They only call him in when they need him."

"Wish I had those hours."

"I know, right? But I like the fact that you've got your time divided up neatly. It lets me know when I can have you to myself." Killerbee's arm tightened around Gaara.

Skin surging with the heat of arousal, his gentle hold felt like fire to Gaara. He pressed his nose to the niche where the Muslim man's arm met with its socket, bathing in the musky smell. Once, half a lifetime ago it seemed, such scents had been a major turnoff. Now it made his skin prickle with a slow-building delight that went from his head to his toes. Gaara inched closer, accidentally knocking the popcorn out of Killerbee's lap.

"Dammit," Gaara muttered, trying to brush the spilled kernels into a pile.

Killerbee paused him, taking him by the wrist to pull him closer. He had promised himself that he wouldn't do this, but the cause seemed lost. "That can wait."

They kissed, lips resting so Gaara could straddle Killerbee's lap and resuming shortly thereafter. But Killerbee found himself hesitating.

"Gaara, can I talk to you for a second?"

Gaara's aching prick was screaming 'no! no!' but his mouth said, "Yes."

"Whenever I go to a club, there's always one of two mental responses from people who are interested in me. It's either 'oh, he must be hung' or 'oh, he must have AIDS'. I think it's fairly obvious which people avoid me and which ones come talk to me. I have dated both men and women who have only seen me as either a big dick or a cumdump. None of my relationships have been successful once sex is involved, no matter how good they were before. It feels like a curse." Killerbee muttered something in Persian. "I don't want this to be like that."

"It won't be."

"I have to know, are you with me for some penis that may or may not be up to whatever standards you had coming into this relationship or are you with me for me?"

"Bee, I'm with you because I love you. For all I care, your dick could be the size of my pinky." Gaara waggled the finger in his boyfriend's face. "It doesn't matter."

"That's good to hear."

"Now come on, don't be a tease. You want me, don't you?" Gaara didn't know who'd hijacked his vocal cords, but he didn't care.

Groping, searching, Killerbee's hands did a quick survey of Gaara's body before going home to their favorite place. The skin of his lover's ass was baby smooth and he handled it like fine porcelain. "You have no idea."

"Tell me, then."

Killerbee pressed his face against Gaara's neck, kissing it with his bearded mouth. "I think about your ass night and day, wondering what it's like to be inside you. You're not the type to give it up easily, so I know you've gotta be tight, like a virgin. Maybe you are one."

"No, not a virgin. But only twice. The second time was…" This wasn't exactly the type of talk appropriate for an intimate moment. Then again, Killerbee had broken that rule recently himself. "It was a stupid, painful mistake."

"Forget it. Let me be your second. And if you think that's a mistake too, I hope it's the best damn mistake in your life." His beard rasped against Gaara's neck and he fondled that sweet ass like a straight man would a pair of breasts.

Gaara rocked against Killerbee urgently. "I want you, Bee. God, I want you! It scares me how I lose control around you, but I want you so bad."

Abandoning the beloved posterior, Killerbee tugged the knot out of Gaara's drawstrings and reached into the loose pants. Drawing out the half-hard prick, Killerbee brought it to full life with a few strokes. His own cock was swelling fat in his underwear, tenting the front of sweats comically as he returned to caressing the soft cheeks of Gaara's rump. One of his fingers pressed gently against Gaara's entrance. Beads of precum rolled down the crimson dick as Gaara clenched his thighs together in hopes of preventing another premature ejaculation and pushed back against the warm hand. His face was flushed as red as his hair. Killerbee continued pressuring Gaara's sphincter with that finger, another one crawling spiderlike down his asscrack until it found his perineum and began pressing that as well to externally stimulate Gaara's prostate.

"Fuck!" Gaara hissed. It was all he could think to say.

"Do you like that?"

"Oh fuck fuck fuck." Gaara clenched harder, trying to get Killerbee to cease the torturous play. With his sensitive anus and prostate being simultaneously stimulated, he could feel his orgasm coming on him. "Stop it, I'm going to cum, please stop… Oh fuck!"

His balls began drawing up tight to his body, ready to blow his load all over the completely dressed Killerbee. He really was going to cum if the situation didn't change soon. To make matter worse, Killerbee stopped pushing against his anus and started tracing circles on it lightly instead, upping the impulse to let go.

"Don't fight it, Gaara. I'll have you cumming many more times before the night is over," purred Bee.

Right Said Fred's 'Too Sexy' began to blare from Gaara's phone, a welcome distraction to give him a few seconds of respite. The urge to cum began to wane. "It's Sasuke. Probably nothing important."

"Then we'll pick up where we left off."

Abruptly the ringing stopped, then recommenced. Repeating this pattern four more times, the phone began chirping madly as it was pummeled with an onslaught of texts.

"Are you sure it's not important? Even if it isn't, at least tell him to leave us alone."

Gaara picked up his phone and read the latest text: **EMERGENCY!11!1! CALL NOW!**

He did as it implored.

"What do you want? I was in the middle of something."

"_What the hell took you so long?"_

Gaara held the phone away from his ear a couple of inches. There was no need to shout. "Again, I was in the middle of something. What's the emergency?"

"_The idiot has gone and hurt himself."_

He'd interrupted their playtime for that? "Take him to the hospital."

"_He doesn't have health insurance."_

Gaara failed to see the problem. "Claim him on yours."

"_He's not related to me."_

"Then pretend you're his husband."

"_Hell no. We're in a liberal area, but not __**that**__ liberal. Besides, doctors actually check that shit. It's insurance fraud. I'm not getting ass-raped in jail because I tried to help this moron."_

"I don't have a medical license."

"_I know, but even though he keeps spouting some crap about not interfering with your personal time, you're the only person I know who might be able to help."_

"What's wrong with him?" The list of injuries he could handle was a rather short one.

"_Well, he can't move. I guess he hurt his back. It's all swollen up. The people at the convenience store tried to get an ambulance, but he had them call me instead and I had to drag his fat ass back to our place. He's been crying for like, an hour."_

"_Was not! You're a lying asshole, Sasuke!"_

There went his sex drive. "I'll come get you… Do you have any ice packs?"

"_Yeah."_

"Wrap one in a towel and put it on the swollen area. I'll pick you two up as soon as I can. All my massage stuff is at home."

"_Good. Unless you're in mid-fuck, you'd better get over here in five minutes or less. I can't stand to hear him bitch much longer."_

"_Lies! All lies!"_

"I'm on the other side of town, you ass! Put the ice on his back and I'll be over there in a minute!" Gaara hung up and stuck the phone in his pocket. "I can't win for losing, can I?"

"We can continue another time, I promise." Killerbee assured him.

"Does that promise come with interest?"

"Most definitely." Killerbee kissed Gaara to seal the deal, letting his boyfriend tuck himself back into his pants. "I'll come along. Sasuke probably can't carry him alone."

Hurrying to get their socks and shoes and keys, Killerbee barely remembered to turn off the DVD player and television. The two took the stairs a couple at a time and were at Gaara's car in no time. Killerbee wedged himself into the passenger seat of the Beetle and they were fast on their way. The exercise had gotten Gaara's adrenaline flowing and he struggled to stay under the speed limit. It was not unlike a biathlon with jogging and driving as the challenges presented. The race continued as they hoofed it up the stairs and invited themselves into the apartment without knocking. Naruto lay prostrate on the couch, a thick blue gel pack resting on his lower back. He groaned pitifully and buried his face deeper into the pillow it was resting on.

"Go away. I'll be fine." Even when he tried to not muddle up Gaara's relationship, he did anyway.

"You're not fine." Gaara lifted Naruto's shirt and checked the afflicted area. The swelling seemed minor, so it was likely only a sprain. "Come on. Can you stand?"

"Maybe."

"Try. Bee, give him a hand."

Killerbee was quick to support his favorite sparring partner. Sasuke took his friend's other side and they shuffled down the hall in an awkward threesome while Gaara kept a close eye on his patient. Killerbee eased Naruto into the front passenger seat of the yellow Volkswagen and the rest of the men piled into the tiny car. At the first intersection they hit, they got stuck at a red light. Gaara sighed, Sasuke didn't care, Killerbee admired the cleanliness of the backseat, and Naruto steadily thumped his head against the window. After half a minute he stopped because the nasty look he was sure Gaara was giving him didn't help the headache that had cropped up. He was an idiot, like Sakura had said so many times. The light went to green.

Since Naruto seemed to be managing himself fine, Sasuke let his thoughts wander. Being conveniently close by, Killerbee almost immediately became the subject of them. For the longest time he'd only considered him as 'Naruto's friend' and nothing more. They hadn't really met face to face much and thus Killerbee became something unseen to tolerate. Naturally that changed when he switched roles to 'Gaara's boyfriend'. Instead of being a mild irritant that was easily put out of mind, he was a moderate annoyance that came and went with Gaara to eat their food and watch their television. The unexplained domestic violence charges weren't helping his view of the biologist. He wondered if Gaara knew yet. Was it his duty as a friend to tell him? Or would he have for Killerbee to bring up the topic on his own—provided he ever did? A month seemed a fair amount of time. If it didn't happen by then, he and Gaara would be having a nice, long talk about the things his boyfriend wasn't telling him.

As long as he was dealing with annoyances, he might as well address that other one who routinely popped up like a bad case of herpes. Unlike Killerbee, Tenten had a clear record. He still didn't like her. She was completely insensitive to his sleeping habits, making enough noise to raise the dead when she hopped in the sack with Naruto. Regardless of coolness, she was a menace to his internal clock. If Naruto didn't stop bringing her over at night, he was seriously considering soundproofing his bedroom. Who cared if they didn't get their deposit back?

He wondered whether he genuinely disliked them or was simply jealous of his friends' relationships. A mixture of both seemed to be it. Between the two of them, Sasuke was tired of being the odd man out. He could really use a girlfriend or at the very least, a one night stand.

Sick of his bachelor woes, he asked, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. All I need is some rest. Gaara should just take us home."

"Shut up," Gaara said tetchily. "You're hurt. I'm helping you. End of story, got it?"

"Gaara—" The masseuse dared him to argue. "Fine. God, you spend too much time with Sasuke and Sakura. You used to be shy and nice and stuff. When's that Gaara coming back?"

"As soon as you stop being an idiot."

Sasuke chuckled. He had taught Gaara well. A stubborn Naruto couldn't be surrendered to like a pansy.

"Quit laughing or I'll squish your legs with my seat," Naruto grumbled, hand going to the lever.

Sasuke laughed.

Naruto tugged the lever, letting himself roll back until he heard an explosion of colorful obscenities.

"Both of you stop acting like two year olds! Naruto, fix the seat! Sasuke, stop antagonizing people!" Gaara had a feeling that this was what it was like to have children. He didn't think he'd be adopting any in the near future.

"Since when did you get balls?" Sasuke grumbled as the pain in his legs slowly subsided.

"Since you interrupted me in the middle of something I was enjoying."

"I knew we shouldn't have called you," Naruto said miserably.

"Getting some action, huh? Some of this?" Sasuke mimed sloppy French kissing. "Or maybe some of this?" He bobbed his head back and forth on an invisible dick. "Or was it more like this?" He humped the air, stretching his seatbelt to its limit.

Killerbee's hand clamped down on his head, tightening like a vise. "Focus on your injured friend. It's why we're here in the first place."

Maybe it wasn't jealousy after all. Turns out, he just didn't like Killerbee.

The rest of the ride was silent and all persons present were glad to get out of the tiny car. Gaara went into his closet and retrieved his massage table while his companions tried to squeeze through the front door while trying to keep Naruto on his feet. Unfolding the legs, he set it up on one side of the living room. Killerbee lifted Naruto onto the table as Sasuke plopped down on the couch.

"Take off your clothes." Gaara commanded.

"Um…"

"If you can't, I'll do it for you."

Sasuke gave a loud catcall from his seat. Killerbee punched him in the arm.

"What was that for?" Sasuke's arm throbbed in his socket. Was it 'wail on Sasuke day' and no one had told him?

"I owed you one." No one called his man a girl and got away with it.

Naruto surrendered himself to Gaara stripping him of his shirt, but when he went for the pants he began to struggle. "What are you doing?"

"You have to take everything off, underwear included."

"Not with you guys watching."

They all turned their backs on him as he undressed. His jeans lay bunched in a heap on the floor, his fish-print boxers atop them. "Now what?"

Gaara gave Naruto a soft white towel that he wrapped around his waist and then lowered himself into a facedown position on the table. Retrieving his massage oil, he coated his hands until they shone. Gently pressing the red spot on Naruto's back made the man hiss, so it seemed best to work into it slowly. Barely keeping their skin in contact, Gaara made light, flowing strokes across Naruto's upper back and shoulders. Skin tingling at the phantom touches, Naruto felt himself loosen up a few millimeters. The lavender oil cleared his thoughts.

Sasuke was bored. "Looks fun. Do I get one too?"

"Quiet in the peanut gallery."

"Come on, Gaara. I'll give you ten bucks."

Ten bucks made for a cheap massage. For someone who was well off, one would imagine that he wouldn't be so shrewd. "I'll consider it, but I need to focus right now."

"Does he get a happy end—ow!"

"Thank you, Bee."

"No problem."

Gaara began to apply more pressure, kneading the tanned flesh. "God you're tight. You don't stretch as much as you should."

"Nngh."

"You need to stretch before and after you work out."

Naruto grunted neutrally. He hoped this massage wouldn't turn into a fitness lecture. Gaara stroked his spine gently and Naruto gave a soft sigh of pleasure. That was more like it.

"What were you doing, anyway?"

"Ngh." Naruto hissed as Gaara began working on the sore spot. "This stupid girl at work kept trying to put a box that was too heavy for her on the top shelf and she didn't get it up there correctly and it started to fall on her. I caught it. Sort of."

Coming around for another attack, Sasuke asked, "Hey, can we watch TV?"

"Sasuke, if you're just going to annoy the hell out of me, then go home."

"Who pissed in your cornflakes?"

"Sasuke is right. You've been acting kinda bitchy lately." Was that his fault too?

"I am _not_," Gaara applied a firm hand to the sprain, making Naruto wince. "acting bitchy."

"Yeah, you are. You need to get laid." Naruto craned his head around Gaara to look at the biologist. He was sure Gaara would forgive him for interfering when it wasn't wanted. "Bee, what the fuck, man? You two seriously haven't done it yet?"

"That's none of your business," Gaara said stiffly. "This might hurt."

"FFFFFFFUUU—can't you be gentler about it?" Naruto bit his lip, nearly drawing blood.

"Gentle doesn't fix sprains. Once the muscle loosens up, it'll be fine. You should move around as much as possible, but you can't overexert yourself."

Naruto groaned his displeasure. Boxing would probably be out of the question, at least for a little while. "Are you sure that doctor guy isn't available, Sasuke?"

"If he was, I wouldn't tell you." Sasuke was checking his email on his phone. "I don't know why anyone would want to see him. He really gives me the creeps. I wish Dad would fire him already."

Gaara followed the trail of logic. "You've got a private physician?"

"Kinda. He mostly does research stuff for the lab he works at. Being our doctor is like a part-time thing for him."

"So you have a fully trained physician on call for you, who won't make you wait, and won't bill you aside from whatever his salary is?"

"Basically."

Gaara could feel the beginnings of a migraine pounding in his head. "So _why_ did you call me?"

"I already said it, he's weird. He always wants you to call him by his first name and there's something sneaky about him. Plus he's got shitty bedside manner."

"Is that all?"

"He also tried to convince me that he needed to give me a prostate exam… when I was twelve. Never trusted him since."

"There might have been a medical reason—"

"What possible reason would a grown man have to stick his fingers up a kid's butt?" Sasuke shivered. "I wouldn't subject Naruto to that even if he wanted it. Stupid or not, he's still kinda my friend."

"Didn't you tell your parents?" asked Naruto.

"Would you tell yours?"

"Dude, you could've sent that guy to jail if he was seriously pervin' on you. He didn't try anything else on you, did he?"

"Kabuto pretty much kept to himself after that, which is—"

"Both of you shut up!" Gaara snapped. "If it is even remotely humanly possible for you to stop talking to each other for twenty minutes, then by all means, do so!"

Naruto shot Killerbee a look, gesturing at Gaara. He mouthed 'do him!' Killerbee shrugged, smiling mischievously. Seeing them taken down a peg or two was well worth the times that they'd monopolized his boyfriend without a second thought. They fully deserved the tongue-lashing.

By now, Naruto's pain had dulled to a faintly throbbing ache and he felt himself relaxing. His toes uncurled and his neck went slack as Gaara attended to the full expanse of his back. His joints seemed to fall into proper alignment for the first time in years. He had barely noticed that he was breathing slower. Everything was loosening up.

Well, almost everything.

He'd first noticed that something quite wasn't right when there was a minor discomfort in his lower half and he shifted a few times, figuring that it was some side effect from the massage. He went back to focusing on his breathing, eyes closed blissfully. Gaara migrated from his back to one of his calves, figuring it wouldn't hurt to be thorough in hopes of preventing possible future injuries. As his hands traveled downward, so did the warmth that had been flickering pleasantly in Naruto's belly until it settled into his loins. Cue more squirming and slight nervousness. Gaara moved to the other calf, unaware of the sudden increase of his patient's heart rate. Naruto willed it to beat slower, to stop circulating his blood so fast. Each pump only sent a fresh new spurt of blood into his penis, slowly swelling it. Already at half-mast, the organ struggled to stand at attention while its owner struggled with equal force to keep it down. Naruto tried not to curse as his prick was squished under his own body. Gaara kneaded the ball of Naruto's foot. Neck muscles straining, Naruto tried to usher himself back to softness. Whatever happened, no one must _ever_ find out that he was getting turned on by a massage.

Gaara abandoned the foot for a brief moment, leaning close to Naruto's ear. "It's not uncommon for men to get… _aroused_ during massages."

Mission failed.

"Do you want to stop?"

Naruto tried to play it cool. "Nah, it'll probably go away on its own in a second."

Accepting this as his will, Gaara returned to the feet he'd been working on. Naruto didn't think he'd have to worry about Gaara telling. Unfortunately, the problem wasn't going away. In fact, it was getting worse. Gaara had done one move, stroking from his ankle up to his lower thigh in one feathery swoop and then back down the same way, and Naruto thought that he was about to have an aneurysm because his testicles had began to tighten. 'Alright troops,' he thought. 'This is not the time for hanky panky. Balls, go back to loose and low, got it? As for you, dick, I only have one thing to say: stand down. We cannot, I repeat, cannot bust a nut on a massage table in my friend's living room. We will never hear the end of it. This is a direct order. You must obey.'

Gaara did the move again. His prick defiantly spat a burst of creamy precum. His sex organs made crappy soldiers. Naruto's jaw was clamped tight. Sasuke was going to have something to put on his Facebook page tonight if the situation didn't change fast.

A phone vibrated. Sasuke looked at his pocket before remembering that he'd grabbed Naruto's phone before they left the apartment. He answered, expecting Tenten or Naruto's boss. He listened to what they had to say.

"Hey Naruto—"

Naruto had begun to shake with the attempt to suppress the oncoming orgasm. He was teetering on the edge of the cliff already and he was about to fall off. Gaara returned to his back.

"—do you know—"

Unnoticed, a key slid into the lock of Gaara's front door. It opened smoothly.

"—what's your name again?"

So close so close so closecloseclose…

"—do you know someone named—"

The intruder stepped inside.

"Are you okay, Naruto?"

Naruto's body tensed, preparing to shame itself in front of his closest friends.

"—someone named—"

Gaara's hands lifted from his body, green eyes so much like Sakura's peering down at him curiously.

"—Haku?"

"Who the fuck are you people?"

Sasuke and Killerbee, who had full view of the front door from where they sat, looked up. Both found themselves paralyzed with fear. A man in a full-length black coat stared at them from under his dark hood. In one blood soaked hand was a corkscrew with something that looked red and meaty still dangling from its tip. In the other, a revolver. The stranger raised the gun, training it squarely at Sasuke's head. His finger began to tighten on the trigger.

"Answer me!"

There was no noise, except the agonized screams of Haku.

0o0

So, to make up for the lack of things happening in the side stories, everything is now happening all at once. Enjoy the cliffie, guys. XD

For those who are interested, Killerbee speaks fluent Farsi, conversational Arabic, and has dabbled in learning Hindi.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	12. TriggerHappy Tease

Broke Straight Guys

A fun little writing horror story for you people out there who've had this happen to them: This chapter was halfway finished when I went to bed… Then I wake up and my computer has rebooted itself for no apparent reason. I figure 'no problem, I've got AutoSave!' I open Word. The AutoSave screen doesn't show up. The entire chapter is completely gone. A week and a half of work down the drain. *cue much foaming at the mouth*

So there was some confusion in regards to the last chapter's ending. I think I explained it to everyone who asked, but here's a summary: Naruto nearly had an orgasm on the massage table, Haku is having horrible unspecified things done to her somewhere, a guy broke into Gaara's house, and now Sasuke and Bee are about to get shot in the face. That sounds like everything.

**Dedications: Himeko Uchia, DeLongeSauce111, falltotemptationx, CherubicTaco, Strawberry-Blond Kunoichi, JessicaLovezU, Kratos the Divine, XxTaintedxDaggerxX, Anon, gaaralover1989, nukie, Reginleifthevalkyrie, Tastes Like Madness, jspghn1234, errihu, JessMess, , DimintheMoonlight, Catastrophic Monsoon, mcrgirl2500, Xeniaph, callmeBaby'08', maudlinthemad, demon in training, prettypurpletiger, Naa, Lilith G. Astroll, Prism0467, TigrezzTail, Sesshysgirl06**, and **Vine Verrine.**

0o0

Trigger-Happy Tease

0o0

The thickness of the air was palpable and the two men sitting on the couch found that a sour taste had settled heavily into their mouths in the short span of time that the man in black had been standing there. Glinting malevolently, the pistol was jabbed forward by the intruder as he took a step and repeated his prior demand to know their names. To speak would to perhaps survive or else die with their names bearing on their murderer's miniscule conscience. Speech was attempted. Silence came out. The phone line had gone stone dead a few seconds ago, abruptly ending the screams of Haku, wherever she was. There was little relief in it.

"Are you fucking deaf? Tell me who you are or I'll blast you to Kingdom Come!"

Heart thumping manically, Killerbee watched with increasing horror as Gaara stormed across the living room. Instincts kicking in, he sprung up and tried to stop him, only to be casually brushed off. Fear rooted him to where he stood as his lover got closer and closer to the criminal. What good were his fighting skills now? Guns almost always beat fists. His own weakness disgusted him, further adding to the sickness that surged violently through his gut. What a coward he was! Gaara didn't have anything to protect himself with and still possessed the stupid bravery to confront the man.

"Gaara, please…" Killerbee whispered, throat clenched in an iron grip. His boyfriend was going to die and he couldn't do anything to save him. He was weak, no better than when he was a child. Eyes burning and wet, his already impaired vision further hazed, making it difficult to see even through his prescription lenses.

Bold in a way that bordered on insanity, Gaara marched up to the man in black and glowered at him with a ferocity previously unseen by the other men. Nostrils curled in anger like a bull about to run down a matador, he tilted his head up in a ridiculous confidence and narrowed his eyes.

He opened his mouth.

"What the hell have I told you about doing this? Look at you! Your hands are covered in blood! And did you _really_ have to come here with whatever those are supposed to be for? Really?" Gaara peered around the thug, firing up for an extension of the rant. "For the last time, wipe your feet on the mat before you come in! Where were you, the river? Don't deny it, you were. You've tracked mud everywhere! You _will_ be cleaning that up."

"Gaara—" Killerbee choked out, jerking his foot forward a few inches, groping desperately for his lover.

"What were you doing—wait, I don't want to know. I'll just pretend that you were only torturing someone and that I don't have to be part of a murder investigation."

"He's crazy…" Sasuke muttered, glued to the couch.

All eyes were on the huffing masseuse, waiting for the inevitable gunshot that would end him.

"Are you finished?" the intruder queried calmly.

"Not by a long shot. I'll save the rest for later. Now get this mess cleaned up before I shove my foot so far up your ass that your grandchildren will be able to tell my shoe size."

"I missed you too, 'cuz."

Pocketing his weapons, the man spread his arms wide as if expecting a hug.

"Don't you dare touch me with those bloody hands, Sasori! I've burned enough clothes because of your carelessness!"

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Sasori reached out and smeared bloody handprints across the entirety of Gaara's shirt. "Looks good on ya, 'cuz."

"Dammit, Sasori!"

"Are you going to introduce me to your guests or did Auntie Karura not teach you how?"

Grudgingly Gaara turned to the bewildered onlookers and said, "This is my cousin Sasori. Pretend you didn't see anything you just saw."

Sasori drew back his hood and gave a little wave. He had the same red curls of his cousin and if they hadn't explained their familial link, they could've been taken for twins.

"Seriously, don't say anything. I hear you squealed and I'll gut you like a pig and hang you by your entrails, capiche?" Temporarily hardened by the grave nature of the situation his eerily familiar features quickly melted back into that aloof cat smile.

"This is not happening," Sasuke groaned, burying his face in his hands. Obviously God didn't think that gay porn wasn't a bad enough life experience under his belt.

Studying the man on the couch intensely for a moment, Sasori sauntered forward and drew his gun once more, pressing the cold muzzle to the center of Sasuke's forehead. "Isn't this the guy who's been stalking you? What are you doing here, you little shit?"

"Sasori, wait—"

"Don't worry, 'cuz. He won't hurt you any more." The grin became absolutely wicked. "Hope ya like the afterlife, punk."

"Sasori, that's not him!"

"It isn't?" Looking closer, Sasori seemed disappointed as he retracted his gun. "My bad."

Sasuke gaped at the thug. "Are you fucking kidding me? 'My bad'? That's all you can say when you were about to blow my fucking brains out? What's wrong with you?"

"Sometimes you make mistakes. Life sucks that way. But I didn't, which is what's really important. Would've been a shame if I had. You're pretty cute, now that I think about it. I could still blow your brains out, but in the good way. Yanno what I mean?" Sasori winked.

"What about Deidara?" Gaara inquired coolly.

"Dei kicked me out again. I'm tired of it. I'm never going back to him."

"You said that last time."

"I mean it."

"You said that too."

"Whatever." Sasori ran his finger down Sasuke's cheek. "Let's say I take you back to the bedroom and we have a good time."

"Let's not and never bring it up again." Sasuke smacked the hand away.

"Feisty. I like." Sasori licked his lips lasciviously.

"Hands off, Sasori. He's not interested." There was a hint of warning in Gaara's voice.

"Fine. I didn't even want him that much in the first place." Sasori nearly pouted. "Your new taste in men is shitty. I can do better than your sloppy seconds."

Sputtering complaints loudly, Sasuke tried to string together a coherent sentence. Gaara did it for him. "We're not together."

"Really?" Sasori's eyes brightened instantly. He turned back to Sasuke. "I didn't mean what I said, babe. I was jealous of Gaara scoring a hottie like you. Won't you forgive me?"

"No!"

"Now you know what it's like, bastard. That happens every time I go somewhere with Gaara." Finally Naruto could get some sympathy from Sasuke… not. He doubted Sasuke was capable of such a thing. It was too human.

Sasori had completely shut out the entire world except for Sasuke. "I can take you to heaven and back in just thirty minutes, babe. Come ride the golden stairway express. No delays and I always deliver my load on time. If you like it, I'll give you the special ticket so you can ride all night long…"

"Gaara, I hate your cousin. Just so you know. Because I do. If you bring him to our place, I'll kill you." Sasori buried his nose in Sasuke's hair. Sasuke gave him a solid stomach punch that made him stagger back slightly. "And don't say that was uncalled for, because it wasn't."

"Sasori, stop trying to hit on my friends and hand 'em over. You know the rules." Gaara stuck out his hand.

Sasori unloaded the gun and handed the bullets to Gaara. "What's the point of a gun without bullets?"

"The point is so you don't accidentally shoot someone I care about."

"I'd never do such a thing."

"If you don't mind me interjecting, I must admit to being somewhat lost." Killerbee surveyed the newcomer uneasily. "I question whether or not I should ask about the blood on your hands."

"I was taking care of some business. Don't worry about it too much."

Naturally that made Killerbee worry more.

"So Gaara, you know you're my favorite cousin, right?"

"You can stay as long as you don't try to bring dead bodies here… again."

"Come on, a guy brings a stiff over _one_ time and you're busting his balls about it for the rest of his life!"

"Start cleaning before I change my mind." Weary from the day's activities, Gaara turned to Naruto slowly. "How's your back?"

"Kinda sore, but not as bad as before. Thanks. Sorry for ruining your evening."

"Trust me, you didn't ruin it. He did." He jabbed his thumb at his cousin, who was rummaging through the closet in search of a mop. "Can you get home alright? I'd drive you, but I'm exhausted…"

"We'll take the subway. We should be fine as long as Naruto can walk." Finally, time to get out of this hellhole. Sasuke didn't even mind that much when faced with the potential prospect of helping his friend up several flights of stairs when they arrived home.

"Hey babe—"

"You don't have a license, Sasori. Besides, the last time you drove you got drunk and smashed through the wall of a bank."

"Ancient history. I'm not even drunk."

"I'm too damn tired to argue with you. Finish cleaning and we'll talk in the morning." Gaara tried to massage the dull migraine that pulsed insistently at the corners of his head. "And for god's sake, stay away from my car."

"Should I leave?" Killerbee asked hesitantly. He wasn't how sure he could face Gaara after his display of cowardice in a time of crisis.

"Do you want to?"

The sensible thing to do would be to decline and wallow in his self-pity at home. "If you don't mind having me."

"Good. I didn't want to sleep alone tonight."

Shuffling off like a zombie, Gaara managed to find his way to his room. While Killerbee watched, he changed his shirt and got in bed. He was out by the time his head hit the pillow.

I0I0I0I0I

Daytime came again, as it tended to. Still groggy, Gaara laid still with his eyes shut, trying to mentally prep himself for the day. He'd have to remind Sasori of the rules that came with staying here, buy more groceries, and perform the mundane work that he did on days such as these. Then he would go to the restaurant and try to avoid Konohamaru's verbal assaults and the murderous sous chef, who had taken a fancy towards sitting uncomfortably close to him during staff meetings. He didn't dare bother trying to fathom what that meant. If it was friendship the man was looking for, he'd be sorely disappointed. One killer in his inner circle was more than enough. Getting out of bed would mean confronting reality and for the time being, he'd like to stay in dreamland for a little longer.

Part of being a scientist meant increasing awareness to minute changes in a subject or environment, so Killerbee caught on to Gaara's possum act quickly when he noticed the difference in his breathing pattern. Feeling playful, he mused, "It's a shame Gaara isn't awake, or I'd give him a good morning kiss."

A slight muscle twitch implied that his lover had heard him loud and clear, but intended to keep up the charade.

"Perhaps I should it anyway."

There, a tensing of anticipation.

Hovering over his boyfriend, Killerbee pressed his lips in a butterfly-soft kiss to Gaara's thin eyelids. Unable to carry on faking it, Gaara let the sunshine in and as his pupils contracted to regulate the amount of light allowed to pass through, Killerbee came into sight. Starting the day felt better with him around.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty."

"Morning." Gaara gave his lover a kiss on the tip of his nose. "Not that this isn't a great conversation and all, but if you'll excuse me, I have to pee."

Gaara rolled out of bed and was soon down the hall, relieving himself in a single satisfying rush. Before he could even consider returning, he looked at himself in the mirror. Hair skewed wildly at every angle, the half curls running rampant in a typical case of bedhead. There were pillow marks on his cheek and some sleep crust in the corners of his eyes and his morning breath could probably wilt a daisy in a single gust. There he stood in his bathroom, studying himself in this natural state in the mirror like an odd surrealist creation: 'Gaara, Unwashed'. Straight out of bed didn't make much of a pretty visage.

Did Killerbee like an unwashed him as much as the regular version? He'd have to find that out. He leaves—but not before purging the stinking bacteria out of his mouth with some Listerine. There had to be _some_ standards.

Though he wasn't as tired as he had been as he woke up, he crawled back into bed and snuggled up with Killerbee. "Miss me?"

"Always."

"Do you have class today?"

"No."

"Good. Neither do I." Gaara rested his hand on his boyfriend's side, feeling the muscles that had been painstakingly sculpted. "I was thinking we could get brunch and maybe do something later."

"What did you have in mind?"

"There's a coffeehouse I go to that has some local bands coming in to play for the rest of the day. It might be fun to get some live music."

"You might be right." Killerbee paused, wondering how he should bring up the next topic. He'd been thinking about the pseudo-break-in for a while before he'd eventually drifted off to sleep.

"Something bothering you?"

"I'm sorry about last night."

"Sorry about what?" Was there even anything to be apologizing for in the first place?

"I couldn't protect you."

"Protect me from Sasori?" Sure, the guy waved his guns around a bit too freely to be considered entirely rational, but he was used to it.

"No, protect you from someone who I thought had broken into your house to rob you… or worse. With all the training I've done for my body, I've neglected tempering the strength of my will. All I could do was stand there."

"It was just Sasori, though. He wouldn't hurt me."

"But what if it _wasn't_? What if it had someone who did want to hurt you? If that had been anyone else, you would have died."

"But you're basing that completely on 'ifs'."

"It's foolish to assume that the worst will never happen."

"It's paranoid to assume it will." Gaara pulled away from Killerbee, sitting up rigidly. "And what makes you so sure I want you to protect me in the first place? I can handle myself."

What was he saying? One of the reasons he liked Killerbee was because he felt like nothing bad could ever happen to him while they were together. What was this contrary mess coming out of his mouth?

Killerbee's face tightened a little. "I'll have to remember that the next time you're about to take a bullet."

The world stopped simultaneously for the both of them. Fearing more hurtful things would come out, neither spoke. Gazing silently at one another, they stayed like that for a while.

"I'm sorry," Killerbee whispered.

"Me too." Gaara laid back down and huddled close to Killerbee.

"I didn't mean it. I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt because I chose to do nothing."

"I don't think you're paranoid. You make me feel safe enough already."

Even so, he still wanted to make himself stronger. He would have to ask his mother for advice, if she was even willing to talk to him long enough to give him some. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Killerbee put his arm around Gaara and they soaked in the apology.

"I guess that was our first fight." Gaara looked down, ashamed that such a pleasant discussion had degraded so quickly. "Do you think they'll get worse?"

"It's not for us to know. We can only hope for the best." Killerbee's eyes crinkled in a smile as he let his hand drift lower to rest on the small of Gaara's back. "And when we do fight, we can always make up."

"I like the sound of that…"

One pale naked foot stroked down a meaty calf as they weaved themselves deeper into each other. A massive paw ran through Gaara's red hair, teasing the scalp. Lips smacked softly against each other as the pair made up the best they could. Fighting might not be so bad if this was what happened afterward. Voicing small pleasures as the kisses grew deeper and sweeter, the pair felt their skins heat in a lazy, slow-curling excitement.

Out of nowhere, the fire alarm began screeching like a woman getting murdered and flooded their smoldering passion in a relentless typhoon.

"Hey 'cuz, how do you turn this thing off?"

"Goddammit."

I0I0I0I0I

Suppressing a groan, Naruto tried to stay as still as possible. The pain was back with a vengeance. He had been hoping Gaara's magic fingers could cure it, but it seemed like he'd be stuck popping ibuprofen for however long this lasted. Having the pain ruined everything, like the sexy wake-up call he was currently receiving. Perched over his prostrate body was Tenten, a devious glint in her eye as she swayed lower, lapping at his soft prick. She'd come late last night with the intention to help Naruto recuperate. Apparently this was her method of doing so.

"I'm flattered and all, but I right now I could really use a heat wrap and some painkillers."

Rolling her eyes, Tenten went into the bathroom and retrieved the requested items. She heated the pack in the microwave and fixed a glass of water, returning as soon as possible in hopes of getting him back into full working condition. Something in her boyfriend's blissful face as she wedged the heat wrap under him and gave him the medicine ticked her off. Since when were pills and wraps better than some good ol'-fashioned oral for curing what ails you? To be honest, she was almost disappointed in him for succumbing to a little soreness.

Tough it out, as Dad would say. Be strong and tough it out for Daddy, okay? That's what he said the day Mom left to go be with that other man. Maybe he thought she'd need the assurance. She didn't, but she liked it anyway. It let her know that he cared. The divorce didn't bother her as much as it bothered other kids she knew whose parents had been divorced. Now she got him all to herself. Actually, once that woman was out of the picture, she'd been even happier than before. They did everything together. Camping, fishing, hiking, you name it, they did it. She pushed herself to the limits whenever he taught her something new. Living with just Dad was a different and singularly special adventure every day.

Every once in a while, he got her little presents, including the first real gun she ever owned: a Ruger Super Redhawk revolver. To her, it was the most beautiful thing in the world, the way that brushed steel shone in the light. Her mother would've had a fit. Mom hated guns, thought they were too dangerous. Dad knew better. He taught her how to handle them the right way. Once she graduated from standard target practice, he took her hunting for whitetail. More than a decade later and she could still remember the smile on his face when she brought down her first buck in perfect clarity. Sure, it was only a four-pointer, but the pride that shone in his eyes never failed to make a warmth glow in the pit of her belly.

Then he had the heart attack.

That too was an event that remained disturbingly clear in the banks of her memory. They were at a diner called 'Meg's' where they always ate at whenever she won a competition. This time it had been for getting second place in trick-shooting. She'd tossed up thirteen clay pigeons and shot all of them down before they could hit the earth. The kid who'd beat her did the same, but with a pump-action shotgun instead, so he got extra points. Dad said that second place could slide this time. They had the usual on their plates: freshly made burgers dripping with their own juices and topped with a slice of sharp cheddar cheese that melted into the bun _just so_, with fries on the side and a milkshake. Chocolate for Dad, strawberry for Tenten.

Dad was just finishing off his fries when he noticed something wasn't quite right. He looked at his left arm curiously and the next thing she knew, they were in the back of an ambulance. While she sat in the waiting room, the nurses complimented her inner strength in such a difficult time. She didn't think it was so special. She already knew he was going to make it. She was more upset that she didn't get to finish eating.

He toughed it out.

But things changed. Dad didn't seem to have as much energy as he used to. The early morning runs he used to go on with her got shorter and shorter until they stopped completely. The doctors said he was supposed to be getting exercise, but he couldn't muster up the will. He started an aspirin regiment, choking down the pills with water while trying to grin and bear it. Not even their food was spared. No more burgers at Meg's. Oatmeal became a disgusting and common nutritional source. He tried to liven it up by putting some berries in it once in a while, but she still thought it tasted terrible. Mortality seemed to drag on him every day until it grew almost painful to look at him.

The second heart attack came a few months later.

He couldn't tough it out. Feeling like the part of her that was supposed to cry had been injected with a heavy dose of anesthesia, she left the hospital when she heard the news and caught a bus home. Life went on as usual until CPS came. Fourteen was too young to be living on her own, they said. She thought she'd been doing pretty well for herself. They placed her back in the care of her mother, the woman who she hadn't seen for nearly seven years and the man she now lived with.

In the beginning, her mother tried to relate to her. Each attempt invariably came back to the same conclusion. Her daughter was a hopeless tomboy. She stopped trying and for that, Tenten was grateful. From day one she was an outsider who had wandered into a house of strangers and the divide showed, especially at dinner. Mom, her husband, and stepsister would chat amiably with one another until they remembered someone else was at the table. Someone would look at Tenten and then dead silence would fall over the room. She couldn't say she blamed them. She was a dam in their happy little stream and now their flow was ruined.

It was more than just her mother who couldn't quite handle the newcomer. Faintly she recognized that her stepsister Tayuya disliked her with a passion that she would let out when she played her damn flute every night, her revenge on this stranger with furious fits of freestyle trills and accelerandos that would drive nearly anyone insane. Tenten got an mp3 player for Christmas. While not what she'd asked for—apparently even purchasing a scope and some duck calls was too nerve-wracking for her mother's delicate sensibilities—the problem was fixed. The dinner problem was fixed by eating in her room with the door shut and locked. Originally she didn't see a need to do so until she decided to clean her guns after a meal and her mother, who happened to walk by as she was counting bullets, burst into hysterical tears at the sight.

After a few weeks they settled into a routine where Tenten ignored them and they ignored her for the most part as well, which wasn't hard given the fact that she joined nearly every athletic team the school had to offer and was constantly at practice for one thing or another. Her mother urged her to take up an instrument instead of abusing her body thusly, but she much preferred a bruise to the blues. Perhaps she had a slight masochistic streak. Running until she thought her legs would fall off and then doing another half mile made her feel giddy in ways she couldn't describe and there was nothing that could beat the soaring rush of scoring a winning goal. The people were nice and easy to get along with. In fact, she lost her virginity to one of her teammates after an away game. Nice guy, but not what she was looking for in a relationship.

She wondered why she was thinking of all this. It'd been a while since the memory of her father had popped up, let alone any of the crap that came afterwards.

"Wow, you really were a million miles away."

She looked down. She was still standing at Naruto's bedside.

"Daydreaming?"

"Sorta."

"I gotta make an important phone call. Could you see what Sasuke did with my phone? I'm pretty sure he has it."

Shrugging neutrally, she went to Sasuke's room and knocked on his door. She really hoped Naruto got better soon. She wasn't good at this 'nurturing' junk. "Hey Sas, Naruto wants his phone. You got it?"

No one answered. Scratching noises started coming from around her feet and when she looked down, the guy was trying to squeeze the phone under the door. Failing miserably, he retracted it and opened the door instead.

"Here. Don't fucking wake me up again."

"Can I ask you something?"

He tried to close the door. Tenten wedged her foot in it. He scowled. "Is it 'why did Naruto choose me to annoy the hell out of his roommate?'"

"No."

"Then odds are I'm not going to answer it. I gave you what you want. Leave."

"Not until I ask you something."

Sasuke stood on her foot, pressing his full weight on it. "I'm tired. I'm going back to bed. Get your foot out of my fucking door."

"You better cut that shit out. I haven't done a single thing wrong to you. Or do you just get your kicks on being an ass to me?" She wasn't afraid. She'd played boy's football. Sasuke Uchiha was nothing compared to some of the offensive linemen she faced in her day.

"How I get my kicks is none of your business and they certainly don't involve you. Look, I'm going to be honest with you right now. I don't like you. I don't have a reason for not liking you, nor do I need one. Got it?"

"I'm reading you loud and clear." Tenten began to retract her foot. "But we're not finished."

"Of course not." As soon as the blockage was cleared, he slammed the door in her face.

The phone rang in her hand. She answered. "Hello?"

"_Hey, you must be Tenten! Nice to meet you—well, I guess this isn't technically meeting, but still—anyway, I was just calling to let Naruto know that I was coming over in a bit."_

"What? Why?"

"_We got in a bit of an argument yesterday and I wanted to apologize. How's his back?"_

"Fine, I guess. He took some medicine for it."

"_Good. I should be there in a few minutes. Could you put him on?"_

Tenten leaned into her boyfriend's room long enough to toss him his phone. "It's for you. I'm going out."

"Be back soon."

Naruto watched Tenten disappear and listened to Sakura for a few minutes.

"_So it's fine with you if I come over?"_

"Yeah. Hate to cut you off, but I got a call I need to make."

"_Sure thing. See ya."_

"Bye." Hanging up, he immediately went through his history of received calls and found an unknown number. He called it.

"_We were wondering when you'd call, Mr. Uzumaki."_

"Did you call this number last night?"

"_Yes, we did."_

"Are you friends with a girl named Haku?"

"_Friends, no. Acquaintances… Well, perhaps I should let her talk to you."_

"Please do." Naruto was trying to not come to the worst possible conclusion. There could've been all sorts of reasons for hearing her screaming.

"_I'm so sorry for getting you into this Naruto. It's all my fault."_ Haku's voice quavered.

"Getting me into what? Where are you? Do you need help?"

"_I turned down the wrong guys at a bar. I don't know where I am. They say they want fifty thousand dollars. They found your number in my purse. I'm sorry…"_

"Don't be sorry. What do these guys look like?"

"_I don't know… I haven't seen them, except for the guy who was hitting on me. He was—"_

A short, agonized scream abruptly blasted through the phone's speaker.

"Are you okay?"

"_Our friend Haku is not quite as skilled in these negotiations as we are… So we're taking over again."_

"Put Haku back on!"

"_Ahh, I see your girlfriend has caused you undue grief. She doesn't understand. Getting the money will be a breeze. We'll even give you a big time window. Have it by Thanksgiving and she'll go free. Otherwise we'll have to cut our losses. I'm sure your next girlfriend will be just as nice as her."_

"You fucker! Put Haku on now!"

"_Since you insist. But no more questions about us. Remember, fifty thousand dollars by turkey day. No cops. We don't like cops. You've got three minutes."_

"Haku, are you there? Are you okay?"

"_They t-taised me. But I'm f-fine, really…"_

"I'll find a way to get you out of there. I swear!"

"_Time's up, Romeo."_

"That wasn't three minutes!"

"_Life sucks that way. Deal with it."_

The dial tone sounded final and heavy in his ear.

I0I0I0I0I

"They're so terrible. It's like a train wreck."

"Do you think he knows that he's completely off key?"

Gaara hid his smile behind a mug of his favorite hot chocolate. "I highly doubt it. If there's any way to explain their sound, I'd be hard pressed to describe it."

Killerbee was having the same, his moustache flecked with drops of whipped cream. "I was thinking along the lines of 'cat getting run over by a bus that's getting hit by a plane'."

"Sounds about right." Gaara leaned over and removed the whipped cream with a short lick. "Eech, I got hair in my mouth…"

Killerbee smiled and watched his boyfriend try to wipe the hairs off his tongue. "That's what you get for messing with the beard."

"Let's see how much the beard likes it when I don't kiss it anymore."

"The beard would be sad. The beard loves you very much."

"I suppose I can forgive the beard this time." Gaara gave him a short kiss on the chin, where it was the densest.

Killerbee's phone vibrated in his pocket. "Hold on, the beard is getting a call. Hello?"

Killerbee's good mood immediately darkened.

"Yes. She did? Well what's in it? Then go ask her. So she didn't open it but she knows it's mine? Don't hang up Karui!" His sister obviously didn't comply with his request, because he stuffed the phone back into his pocket. Killerbee shook his head, chuckling sadly. "Have I mentioned that my family and I don't get along very well?"

"What did your sister want?"

"Apparently Maman found a box of my things while she was cleaning and wants me to take them today or she'll throw it all away. She doesn't even know what's in the box, but she's going to do it anyway. She can be very foolish at times."

"Are you going to get the box?"

"I don't know. I'd like to see what's in it, so I guess I should go. I think my father should be at work around now."

"Do you want me to take you?"

"If you don't mind listening to the sordid story of why I try to avoid my family, then I'd like that very much. I hate to burden you with it, but I thought I should probably do it in case you think it's ever a good idea to meet them."

"It's not a burden. Finished?"

"Yes."

They stood, stashing a few dollars as a tip into the tip jar as they passed the counter. When safely on their way through traffic, Killerbee said, "Well, I suppose I should start at the beginning, right?"

"That makes the most sense."

"My father is from Iran. He fled the country when the Shah was overthrown…" He gave a sideways glance at Gaara. "That was the seventies, in case you didn't know."

"I didn't. I failed World History."

"So, he fled and came to America to live the American dream and all that. Maman was from the Congo. She didn't want to come to America. She got caught up in human trafficking and ended up as servant to some rich old woman. She only spoke French, so she couldn't get anyone to help her. They met in a grocery store and afterwards kept running into each other on the street or in a store, almost like it was fate. My father helped Maman improve her English and Maman converted to Islam, which is kind of strange because I'm pretty sure most of the Congo is Catholic, and they got married. They had my brother, then me, and then my sister, in that order."

"So you've got a brother too?"

"Yeah. His name's Raakim, but I call him Rai. I couldn't pronounce his name when I was younger and it sort of stuck with me."

"Same thing for Karui?"

"No, I just call her that because it makes her angry." Killerbee laughed and continued with his story. "So the three of us kids started to grow up. Rai was always the good son, he listened to what my father said. Karui was pretty well-behaved too. I was always the black sheep. My father thought marine biology was a silly, frivolous field to go into. He wanted me to be a civil engineer like him. I have to say, it does make good money, but I'm simply not interested in that sort of thing. We all graduated high school, but at very different times because Rai is eight years older than me and Karui is three years younger than me. Rai became a civil engineer and Karui is doing a degree in women's studies, I think… But that's not important. Take a left here."

"The one coming up or the one after it?"

"Coming up. There should be a place to park across the street from it."

Gaara parked. "I have a feeling there's more to this story."

"There is. You were about to miss the turn, though."

"So now that we're here we can finish."

"Yes… So I eventually found out my preference for men and since I was still living with my parents at the time, I thought it best not to tell them. Things were working out just fine until my boyfriend at the time came over unannounced and tried to get touchy-feely at the front door. My father was furious. He chased the guy off and then started to beat me with the first thing he could find—his Koran, in case you were wondering. After some of that, he realized that punching would work better but I started to fight back and Rai jumped in trying to break the fight up and Maman started crying and Karui wasn't there, so she didn't really matter, and then the landlord called the cops on us. Everyone got arrested except Maman because she didn't do anything. My father tried to press domestic violence charges on me for fighting back, but Maman talked him out of it by saying that I'd move out. When she was telling him this, I was in the hospital trying to recuperate from the broken nose and the fractured ribs and the other injuries I sustained. After she told him that, she came to the hospital and told me the same thing."

"She didn't even ask if you wanted to leave in the first place?"

"As I said before, Maman can be quite foolish. So I got out of the hospital, got an apartment, and started to go to college and now I'm here with you."

"Bee… How can you be so nonchalant about this?"

"It used to bother me, but I've more or less got over it since I've been away from them a few years."

"Will your father be home?"

"Hopefully not. Don't worry, he'll be trying to kill me, not you."

"Would he really kill you?"

"Maybe."

Killerbee got out of the car and waited to be buzzed in to the apartment complex. Gaara caught up with him on the second flight. Even though he pretended that everything was fine, Gaara could see Killerbee's nervousness. He offered his hand. Killerbee held it the rest of the way up, giving it a final squeeze of fortification before letting go and opening the door. The apartment looked like it belonged in a furniture catalogue. Gaara hadn't been sure what to expect, but it wasn't that. Karui greeted them with a degree of annoyance and pointed towards a room down the hall, explaining that several boxes had been discovered, not the original single box that she had said on the phone.

"Where's Maman, Kareema?"

"Laying down in her bedroom. She didn't want to see you if you were still attracted to men and I'm even surer that she doesn't want to meet your boyfriend, if that's what you brought him here for." Having thrown out her two cents worth, she trotted back to her room.

"Damn. If there's more than one box, I won't be able to check them all. We should just hurry up and get the whole deal before my father comes home."

There were in fact four boxes and while running up and down the stairs was knee-achingly tedious, they were soon on the last box. It was a great deal lighter than the others, so Gaara could easily carry it.

"That went pretty well, don't you think?" Gaara asked as they began making their way down the stairs once more.

"I wouldn't speak so soon…" The sheer dread in Killerbee's voice made Gaara's stomach lurch.

Gaara looked at the foot of the landing. A stout Iranian man leered up at them and yelled, "Rashid!"

After that initial cry the language immediately switched to Farsi and Gaara stopped being able to understand anything being said. The shouting grew in magnitude as Killerbee's father blocked their paths so they couldn't make it down the last two flights. Wild gestures added to the massive confusion as he tried to follow what was going on. It did come to a point where it started to diminish a hint, but the man pointed at Gaara and said something that was likely some horrible insult. Killerbee let loose an enraged shout and punched his father. The man staggered back a few steps and Killerbee put his arm around Gaara and began to escort him downstairs as quickly as was reasonably safe. Once they hit the outside world, the man caught up with them and delivered a glancing blow to his son's cheek. They went back to yelling, Killerbee pulling Gaara closer to him.

The dispute continued on and on long enough for one of the high-strung residents of the apartment building to come home from grocery shopping. She took one look at the men and heard what they were speaking and cried out, "Terrorists!"

She dropped her groceries and whipped out her cellphone and dialed 911. "Yes, I need the police _**now.**_ There are two terrorists arguing in front of my apartment building and there's a box and I don't know what's in it and they've got a hostage—"

"What? No! I'm not a hostage! They're not terrorists!" Gaara protested. "You stupid woman, what are you doing?"

"Saving the lives of millions!" She returned her attention to the phone. "The box is about the size of an old computer monitor. I think it might be carrying a bomb."

"There's no bomb!"

"They're making the hostage hold the box."

"I'm not a freaking hostage!" He tugged on Killerbee's shirt sleeve. "Bee, let's go! That crazy lady is calling the police!"

The harsh barrage of Farsi stopped flooding from his mouth, turning to see who was going to end up getting them all sent to jail. "What are you doing?"

"That's what I said!"

"Don't worry, sir! The police are on their way!" The woman pulled out a can of pepper spray. "You two, don't come any closer!"

"I don't need the police!"

"Don't even think about using that bomb, terrorist!"

"It's not a bomb!" Killerbee yelled, though he wasn't sure why everyone was still yelling.

"He's my boyfriend, not a terrorist!" Shortly thereafter Gaara added, "That other guy is his dad! He doesn't want us to be together!"

"Lies! How could you betray your own country?"

"Should we go?" Killerbee couldn't say that he was particularly fond of the men in blue.

"If the police are already coming, then we might as well stay and try to explain what's really going on. They should let us go."

It took the cops a full twenty-five minutes to show up and they were in no mood for monkey business. Or maybe that was just the four officers advancing on them with guns drawn that gave that impression.

"Put your hands up where we can see 'em, slowly! And you with the box, slowly lower it to the ground!"

"This is a misunderstanding!" Killerbee tried to reason with them the way Gaara suggested they had. "We're not terrorists, no one's being held hostage!"

"Cuff them, now."

Killerbee and his father allowed themselves to be cuffed but apparently hostages didn't have to do the same thing. Even after Gaara explained the reality of the situation, the officers still looked skeptical.

"So lemme get this straight, you're gay."

"Yes." This was the third time he'd tried to explain it to the officer in charge.

"And that guy over there is gay too?"

"Yes, he's my boyfriend."

"…Did he do time?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm being very serious, sir."

"He's never been to prison. Why?"

"I could believe you being regular gay. But he looks like prison gay, so I'm guessing he just got out of prison if he's still doing men. What was he in prison for?"

Gaara clenched his teeth. "He didn't go to prison."

"He's right. I just got the call back from dispatch. He's got a clean record," said one of the younger officers.

"So none of you have any past crimes."

"Correct."

"Now let me ask you this: why do you hate our country?"

"This is going to take all night, isn't it?"

At least he'd have an interesting excuse for not showing up to work today.

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey shithead, how's the back?"

"Fine. Let's get something to eat." Naruto sat up and stretched.

"Chinese?" Sasuke had to admit he had a hankering for some lo mein.

"Nah, pizza. The usual."

Sasuke placed the order and took a seat on Naruto's bed. "Tenten didn't come back?"

"No. She didn't explain why either."

"Hn." Sasuke grunted.

"So that girl who called me last night…"

"The tranny?"

"She's not a tranny!"

"You were saying?"

"I called that number back today and found out she's been kidnapped. I have to get fifty grand by Thanksgiving or they'll kill her and I can't go to the police. I tried calling the kidnappers again after we talked, but the line had been disconnected. I can't let her die. How do I get fifty thousand dollars in less than a month?"

"Let me see your phone."

Naruto passed it to him. "Should I try the police?"

"Fuck the police." He dialed the number and got the disconnected line, like Naruto had said. "Don't worry, I'll take care of this."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

The doorbell rang and as Sasuke got up to answer it, he mussed Naruto's hair and gave him the appearance of a man slightly electrocuted. "It means 'don't worry, I'll take care of this', you retard. Go back to first grade and relearn English."

"What are you going to do?"

"It doesn't matter, does it? Results are what matters."

"You're not going to pay the money, are you?"

"Pfft, that'd be a waste of fifty grand if I ever heard one. There's more than one way to skin a cat, moron."

"You're kinda freaking me out, man. Why are you being so evasive?"

"Hey, all I've got to say is that you're gonna owe me big for this."

0o0

I'm trying to figure out where all this drama in the chapter came from.

Anyway… Tenten gets character development! Probably more than she does in canon! Also, SasoSasu. They'd be a heck of a pair, wouldn't they? Heh heh. But it's all in Sasori's head. I don't think it'd work out very well. The weirdest pairings keep cropping up in this fic. Lastly, the fact that whole scene with Gaara, Killerbee, and his dad has probably happened somewhere in real life makes me want to cry a little. Why are we so paranoid about all the wrong things?

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	13. Getting It On

Broke Straight Guys

And another chapter comes forthwith!

Holy crap guys, we hit the 300 comment mark. I officially can't abandon this story without a lynch mob coming after me.

Fic Recs:

Humiliating Indifference by **DarkGlobe **(I swear I'm not putting this on here because she asked me to be her beta… *shifty eyes* But seriously, it's a pretty good SasuSaku, unfortunately she put it on hiatus to work on her new project.)

The Big Brother Project by **AngelWingsAndSatansPitchfork** (Interesting dynamics in this one so far. I'd like to see how Deidara and Sasori adapt to being 'big brothers.')

Dedications: **Vine Verrine., Annacat101, DeLongeSauce111, NX-Loveless-XN, Ugawa, Sesshysgirl06, Imarriedmalfoy, Catastrophic Monsoon, Tastes Like Madness, , XxTaintedxDaggerxX, Xeniaph, gaaralover1989, HimekoUchia, callme'Baby'08, JessMess, Magical Rainbow Fairy, CloudsofRabbits, CherubicTaco, ssbfan, Tifa Strifeheart** and anyone else who decided to remain anonymous. You all are super special awesome.

0o0

Getting It On

0o0

There was a mess on the table. Gears and cogs lay in a shining array, one occasionally being plucked up and inserted into the spot they called home. Grimy parts were cleaned and the torsion spring—left unwound by a careless owner—was replaced with a new one that had the ability to compensate for temperature and therefore more accurate, remedying the problem that had plagued owners of similar clocks for more than a century and a half. The work was done with steady, masterful hands that had trained years and years to fix such things. The concentration required was absolute and any interruption was disdained to the highest degree. Torsion pendulum clocks were notoriously delicate.

"What are you doing?"

Irate, Sasori set down his tools. He looked up at his curious cousin through the lenses of the glasses he used to focus on the smaller details of clocks. "Working. I do have a legitimate job, yanno."

"You and Kankuro, always taking crap apart. Remember when you guys disassembled Dad's car engine in the middle of the living room?" There had been much yelling from parents that day. Kankuro hadn't seemed to care, but Sasori had been absolutely devastated when his punishment came down on him. His dad had not been happy to hear that his son had taken part in deconstructing an extremely expensive aspect of his brother-in-law's car. "How long did Uncle ground you?"

"Three fuckin' months. I don't know why, considering that we put it right back together afterwards. By the way, how is that bastard brother of yours? Still at MIT?"

"He's fine. He got his master's in mechanical engineering and the Army hired him to build robots for them, so he's pretty happy."

"That so? Good for him. He's a smart guy. Did ya need something else or can I get back to finishing this? The guy wants it done by Monday."

Indeed there had been a point to this conversation. Getting to it would be prudent. "I meant to say that I'm going out. I probably won't be home until late, so you can eat some leftovers or order a pizza if you want."

"Where are you going? Visiting that hairy beast you call your boyfriend?"

"He's not a beast and we're going to a party." In case Sasori was tempted to tag along, he added, "Invitation only."

"Never said I wanted to go, 'cuz."

"If you get bored, hand out candy. I bought some in case any kids stopped by." Gaara mulled over the potential outcomes of his mobster cousin distributing fun-sized treats to unsuspecting children. When Sasori was in high school, he'd been into Halloween. _Really_ into Halloween. As in, he'd do damn near anything to get a scare out of anyone who had the misfortune to cross his path on that mystic eve. "Don't terrorize them. I'm not going to have a repeat of junior year."

"Oh, so because I'm in the mob, you think I automatically want to make every snot-nosed brat who comes around here to trick-or-treat piss their pants in fear."

"No, I think that because you have serious issues and your haunted basement shtick made five girls pass out, induced such terror in a grown man that he ran screaming out of your house, and horribly traumatized god knows how many innocent kids for the rest of their lives."

"I don't have the time for anything cool this year." While unfortunate, he still had his memories to look back on. Back then, people wetting themselves with fear were fresh and exciting. Now it had become such a mundane part of his life that a lack of bladder control in his victims was more of an annoyance than anything else. People simply couldn't handle torture as well as they used to.

"Where did you even get that many animal organs?"

"Classified info, 'cuz." Sasori smirked. "Have fun at the party with that hulking thing that you love so much"

"Bee is not a hulking thing! Just because you like your men scrawny and hairless—"

"A taste we both shared until recently, if I remember correctly."

"Well, yes, but still—"

"I'm just screwin' with ya. You've got someone who makes you happy. That's a good thing. Now, lemme do a premonition for you." Sasori squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers against his temples.

"How's it looking, o master fortuneteller?" Sometimes he couldn't help but humor Sasori's ridiculousness.

"Hoo boy, it's a doozy. Gimmie a second…" Nodding as he tuned into the sounds of the cosmos, Sasori reached for his vision. "I see… I see…"

"Not a lawsuit from angry parents whose kids you scared, right? I refuse to hire a lawyer for you."

"I foresee you getting intimately acquainted with…" With one last ounce of mental exertion, he lifted the curtain that separated them from the future. "…a juicy black dick and a fat nutsack."

Gaara immediately acquired a lovely scarlet coloring to his cheeks and flailed fists at his cousin, who was roaring with laughter. "You ass!"

Feigning further inspiration, Sasori continued, "I also see you not being able to sit for a week!"

"Shut up!"

"I bet he pounds you good, doesn't he, 'cuz?"

Frustrated and unwilling to give in to his cousin's sadistic sense of humor, Gaara turned on his heel and retrieved his costume. "I swear you have to be adopted. There's no way we're related."

"I'm adopted and that Killerbee guy fucks you like you're his prison bitch…" Voice tapering off momentarily, Sasori slyly added, "Unless you're still a virgin. You are, aren't you?"

Why did people insist on caring about his sex life? "Oh my god, Sasori, I'm not a freaking virgin! How old do you think I am?"

Obviously he thought it wise to leave out how not-so long ago it was that he had lost it.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. Have you done it with him yet?"

"Why does it matter?"

"So you haven't."

"I never said that."

"Didn't have to."

"Goodbye, Sasori."

Without further adieu, Gaara stormed out with costume in hand.

Going back to work on the clock, Sasori managed another blissful twenty minutes before the next interruption came up. It was the ringing of the doorbell. Probably some local brats set on rotting their teeth with candy. Maybe he should just call it quits for the night. It was Halloween, after all. Why not get in the spirit of the season? He snuck a Twix bar from the bowl and consumed it before opening the door.

The person on the other side was most definitely _not_ a kid looking to score their next sugar fix.

"Oh… Hey." Sasori blinked. Was this a prank from some twisted incubus? "Sorry, I was working. Come in."

Sasuke strode in with the confidence of a king, slinking casually past Sasori. Stunned by his heartthrob of a guest, he felt his legs go numb and he seriously wondered if walking was possible. He tried. It was. His stomach coiled deliciously at the sight of Sasuke as he was now, clothes so tight they could've been painted on. Saliva began to pool in his mouth as he let his eye wander down to the other man's groin. The outline of his dick was so damnably clear that it was unbelievable. No matter how hard he tried to look away, he was stuck as if in honey—sweet delicious honey slowly trickling down Sasuke's stomach, how wonderful that would be to lap up!

He licked his lips in nervous excitement. "If you're looking for Gaara, you just missed him. He's on his way to his boyfriend's place to get ready for a party, but you probably know that on account of you being his friend and—"

Sasuke chuckled languorously and Sasori felt his knees go weak, stumbling to find the chair he'd been working in before. "I'm here to see you. Is that so surprising?"

Had he not been sitting, he would've dropped to his knees. "I was under the distinct impression you didn't like me."

"I'm not always the friendliest person."

"I figured that." Sasori gulped as Sasuke planted a foot on the edge of his chair. "You look amazing."

"I know."

"Always knew you had a great body."

"You like it?"

"Fuck yeah. You know how long I've waited for this?" Emboldened, Sasori slapped Sasuke's butt with a stiff palm. Sasuke smiled alluringly and the thrill magnified in intensity. "Like being spanked, huh? You a pain slut?"

"Maybe."

"If a spanking's what you want, I'm the man to give it to ya. I'll smack it 'til it's cherry red, then I'll do ya like a fuckin' animal. I'd fuck that ass to the bone any day of the week. That what you want?"

"What I want…" Sasuke slowly leaned in. Inch by inch the distance between them shrunk until their lips were mere millimeters apart. "I want…"

Sasori closed his eyes, heart racing a mile a minute. "Tell me what you want, babe. I'll give it to ya better than you could dream in a million years."

Two hands seized his windpipe, strangling him. He jumped in his seat, losing his cool completely as he tried to escape the iron grip.

"Information. That's what I want. You're an underworld guy, so I figure you've got some." How evil those once beautiful eyes had become! Savageness stormed through the murky grey. "You probably can't talk, so I'll let up a bit. No screaming for help."

"You cunt!" Sasori raged. "You fuck with my feelings and then try to choke me? I'm not telling you shit!"

"That's a shame." Silky wet flesh slid up Sasori's cheek in a hot streak. A lick from his beau. "Here I was, thinking of rewarding you for your services."

"What is it you want to know?" Sasori asked warily.

"Has anyone in your circles done any kidnapping lately?"

"You want me to kidnap someone? Sheesh, what'd they do to you?"

"I'm looking for someone who was kidnapped, numbnuts."

"Jesus. That could get messy. How are you planning on paying me?"

"Well, there's the regular boring route of cold, hard cash… But if you'd like me to fuck you, there's always that."

"Hey, I'm strictly a top. Either I get ass or you get zip. Cash would be fine too, I guess. Student loans, new apartment, that bullshit. How's seventy five big ones sound?"

"Terrible. That's more than the ransom." And since when did hitmen pay their student loans?

"Better get to prepping that ass, then."

"Listen, you," Sasuke said tersely. "I don't bottom, not even if the info you got found the perpetrator of every unsolved case in the tri-state area. Either you find a way to work with that or I'll find someone else to be my informant."

"How do you know you won't like it? Can't knock it until you try it."

"You know, I've never wanted to shoot myself in the face either, but perhaps I should try it just to make sure I'm not missing out on anything. Care to spare a bullet?"

A beat.

"You're fucking hot when you're mad."

"Pathetic." Sasuke stepped back. "I can't believe I wasted this much time. I could be getting ready for the party. Thanks for nothing, jackass."

"Wait!"

Sasuke paused in the midst of his trek to the door. Sasori sprung up and kissed the anthropologist hungrily, melding their mouths together in blissful union. Playing rough, he yanked on the back of Sasuke's hair to force his mouth open and indulged in the taste of the man's toothpaste. Mint. Delicious. Every inch of his seducer wholly rejected the advance and the sheer antipathy amped him up to eleven. Rarely had he been this turned on by simple kissing. Keeping a firm grip on the roots of Sasuke's thick hair, he used his other hand to grab that toned mass of flesh that filled out those jeans so nicely and jerked his body closer, mashing their groins together. White hot pleasure glowed in his brain, purging it of any other thoughts. If only Sasuke had decided to come naked! His dick was dripping already, wetness smearing against his leg to reduce the chafing friction of his vigorous humping.

Sasuke pushed him away, wiping his tainted mouth on his arm as he glowered at the clockmaker as if he were an overexcited dog that had gained an amorous attachment to his leg. Scalp aching fiercely where it had been yanked by the roots, a migraine began to set in. He spat on the floor, ridding himself of the disgusting sweetness that had been introduced to his mouth during the kiss. Sasori must've helped himself to some of the candy he'd seen while coming in. Nausea crashed in massive waves that tore through his guts until he seriously wondered if he was going to upchuck the small lunch he'd had. Kissing men was nothing new for him—working for Broke Straight Guys had ensured that—but to not be in control of the situation disturbed him profoundly. Once in a while Neji would try to rile him up with forceful tongue action, but that was nothing compared to the brutish treatment Sasori had given him.

"I'll look into it for you. No guarantees." Sasori felt his manhood wilting with disappointment. He didn't mind much. That kiss had been enough.

"Good. But if you pull that shit again you'll be eating through a tube for the rest of your life." Sasuke snatched a handful of candy out of the orange plastic bowl sitting by the door. He hadn't eaten candy in years. After that debacle, he suddenly had a powerful craving for it. Pocketing them and tossing Sasori a final nasty look, he left.

Longingly watching the door close behind Sasuke, Sasori sighed. He enjoyed a challenge but perhaps he was in over his head on this one. Pride didn't allow him to doubt for long. After all, the hasty settlement definitely left significant wiggle room in the negotiations. There was still a shot of getting that honey-soaked Sasuke he desired.

"I'll make you mine yet, Uchiha."

I0I0I0I0I

"Is this the place?"

"Yep."

"Hurry up. I want to get drunk."

Sasuke trudged up the narrow stairs of the Broke Straight Guys office, the cape of his Zorro costume fluttering behind him. His pockets were full of sweets that he'd picked up on his way back from Gaara's house, in case he had the misfortune to have a run-in with Neji tonight to pile on to the horrible thing that was not to be named that had happened earlier. Knowing the persistent little prick, it was highly probable. He would be amazed if he didn't have a cavity or two festering in his mouth by the end of the night.

"I didn't think it was possible, but I do believe that he's in a worse mood than usual," remarked Tenten. She could swear that she could hear the crinkling of candy wrappers coming from the general direction of his pants. Sasuke didn't strike her as the type of guy who indulged in sweets.

"He said he had an errand to run earlier. I guess it didn't go so well. How do I look?" Naruto gestured to his pimp suit. It was a particularly interesting shade of purple.

"Ridiculous." Tenten grinned.

"Perfect."

Strutting grandly to the second floor, his jeweled cane clicked where it made contact with the floor. He entered the party with Wonder Woman faithfully at his side. The event was well under way and the man who'd interviewed him on the first day greeted them.

"Long time no see, Blondie! Well, isn't she a cute one? Glad to see things worked out for you."

"Me too." Naruto placed an arm around Tenten, hugging her for a few seconds.

"Well, the refreshments are over there, the bathroom is back there, and everything pretty much explains itself, so have a good time!" Waving merrily, he bounded off into the crowd just as Naruto's phone started to ring.

"Hello?"

"_Okay, he should be occupied for a couple of minutes… Naruto? Are you there? I need you to do me a big favor."_

"Gaara? Why are you whispering?"

"_I haven't told Bee how I know any of these people."_

"You mean you haven't told him you did por—"

"_Yes, that's exactly what I mean. 'Oh, we haven't even slept together, but I'd like to let you know that I did some __**porn**__ once.' Make sure no one lets it slip."_

"How?"

"_I don't care, just make sure it gets done."_

"You could always ditch the party and hit the town."

"_You think I haven't suggested that? I'd love to be anywhere but there, but Bee's got his heart set on this because he's never celebrated Halloween before. I wish he'd never heard about this stupid party."_

"You won't have to stay too long. We were planning on doing either some trick-or-treating or a bar crawl after we finished up here."

"_Thank god. Can you help me out with the other thing?"_

"Consider it done."

Naruto hung up and sought an opportunity to broadcast the message. He found it at the snack table, which he leaped upon and whistled furiously to gain the attention of the entire crowd.

"Listen up! Gaara—who most of you know as Nike—is on his way here with his new boyfriend! He hasn't told him he did videos for you yet and we want it to stay that way! This guy is really nice and he really loves him and I will really beat the shit out of anyone who ruins it for Gaara! Okay?"

There was some murmuring amongst the attendants until someone finally piped up.

"We'll keep it secret!"

"Count on us!"

"My lips are sealed!"

Satisfied, Naruto got down and rewarded himself with some punch.

Gaara arrived a while later, dressed simply as a gangster. His gleeful escort was a Roman soldier. The first person to notice their arrival was Sasuke, who approached them at a brisk stride. To those who knew him well, it was the equivalent of a normal person doing a full-on sprint from the devil himself. Confused, Gaara backtracked as Sasuke's intense stare beat into him mercilessly with each step he drew closer. He abruptly found himself against the wall but Sasuke did not stop. Shielding them from the outside world with his cape, Sasuke pressed his lips to those of Gaara. Heat flooded his cheeks as he felt a knee nudging his groin, spreading his legs wider. He gasped 'oh, oh' and became the second in his family to get a taste of Uchiha tongue tonight. Sampling chocolate and caramel was inevitable because Sasuke's mouth was ripe with it, sweetening the odd situation. The kiss made his innards feel warm and squishy in a way that was extremely unsettling but mildly erotic.

Slipping his hand down to the back of Gaara's knee, Sasuke hoisted the leg up and wedged himself snugly between the masseuse's thighs. Moaning shamefully, Gaara felt the tongue dip into him again. What was Sasuke doing? And with Killerbee right there, no less!

"Well, you certainly don't seem keen to see me. Whatever. Have your fun now and I'll be ready for you the next time we do a video."

Still hiding Gaara from view, Sasuke glanced over his shoulder. "Go fuck yourself, kid."

"Duly noted. See you later, big boy."

When the unseen man departed, Gaara was released.

"Damn, I hate that guy."

"You better have a good explanation for whatever that was. Right in front of Killerbee, too!"

"Had to be occupied. Otherwise Neji would've started bothering me." Resorting to Sasori's tactics disgusted him, but it was a necessary evil.

"Next time, I'd suggest you use a man who's not my boyfriend." Killerbee's voice was tight.

"I doubt that'll be much of a problem. Wouldn't want to get between you and your precious Gaara." Sasuke slunk off, intending to find a woman to spend the night with.

Overhearing, a partygoer in a devil's outfit came up and said, "So _you're _who our Gaara has been seeing. Nice to meet you. Would you like to enter the raffle? We've got a lovely selection of prizes you could win. Only five dollars a ticket. We're drawing in a few minutes."

"You're not even guaranteed to win," Gaara scoffed. Raffles were pointless. His bitterness towards them could be attributed to ages ago in elementary when he had wanted nothing more in the world than to win a raffle basket that had a stuffed lion in it and didn't win because some jerk's parents had bought twenty tickets and put half of them into the same raffle. Owning up to that was silly, so the rationalization was wasted.

"I'll take two."

"What?"

"Relax, Gaara. I've got a good feeling about this." Forking over the ten dollars breezily, Killerbee filled out the necessary information on the cards and gave them to the raffle drawer.

"If you don't win, I'm telling you 'I told you so'."

"Have some faith. We don't even know how many tickets are going to be in the basket I'm trying for. We might be the only ones."

"Hey, you made it!" Naruto maneuvered through the crowd. "We just about to leave."

"Oh? But I have to wait for the raffle. Plus it'd be a shame to go without saying hi to any of your friends, Gaara."

"I don't know the people here that well. They'll barely notice we're gone." Bluffing was not one of Gaara's strong suits. Hopefully Killerbee would bend to his will and get out of here before anyone started complimenting him on his acting.

"I'll go see if we won."

"Fine. I'll wait for you." No, hold on a second. Killerbee was a friendly guy. He might talk to someone too drunk to keep the secret. "On second thought, I'll go with you."

"Great!"

They did, in fact, win one of the prizes. Their reward? A basket filled with an array of butt plugs, lubricant, and condoms. Gaara blushed furiously, darkening further when Killerbee offered the prize to him.

"An early birthday present in preparation for the real thing."

"Bee!" The audacity stunned him. Sure, they were in a room full of porn stars and gifts of this nature were commonplace among them, but Killerbee didn't know that. He believed they were regular people, yet he was presenting him with a butt plug bouquet.

"Want to try something interesting?" Killerbee whispered.

"Define 'interesting'."

"Take one of these plugs and wear it for the rest of the night. I think that would be very, _very_ sexy…"

"Are you crazy?"

"You don't want to?"

Gaara eyed the insidious implements cautiously. There was an additional strap to hold in plugs for long periods of time and the plugs themselves had a plethora of shapes and sizes. If he lubed one up enough…

"Oh god."

"Which one would you like?"

Glowering at his boyfriend, Gaara selected one at random and collected both the strap and a small bottle of lubricant as well, tucking them into his pockets before discreetly hurrying to the bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and dropped his trousers. For the first time he looked at the plug he'd chose: a pleasant magenta-colored device divided into three increasingly larger spherical sections, not unlike a string of oversized anal beads. The biggest sphere tapered sharply at the bottom and then flared back out to create a place for the user to grip the plug. Holding the plug by this, he managed to squirt a quarter-sized amount of lube on the fingers of his free hand and wetted his entrance, disbelieving that he was going to do this.

Once he figured he was prepped enough, he liberally coated the plug and worked the first sphere into his anus. He didn't anally stimulate himself often, so it was slightly tough going. It slipped in with a faint wet pop and he began to focus on the second one. Grunting, he pushed and tried to loosen up at the same time and it slid into place as well. Now for the third. Backing out of this right now would be so easy and he had started to start to reverse the direction of the force on the plug until he remembered what Killerbee had said. According to his memory, if he did this his boyfriend would find him sexy beyond belief. Having someone consider you sexy was a precious commodity and he wanted to hoard as much of Killerbee's various forms of affection as much as possible. Determined to go all the way, he had went into a deep bow, bracing himself against the stall door as he pushed it inside him. He could feel every millimeter slipping past his sphincter at a snail's pace and the sensation made his cock tingle. The bead abruptly was swallowed by his anus once it began to taper and he hissed, the fullness unfamiliar to his body. Attaching the strap to the plug was easy. He exited the bathroom and tried to get used to the feeling of the plug shifting inside him.

"How is it?" Killerbee couldn't keep the excitement out of his voice.

"I hate you so much right now." Gaara gritted his teeth. This is what they meant when they said people did stupid things for love. Based on the experience of more than two decades of life, this was undeniably the most humiliated he'd been in a public setting.

"Take it out any time you like."

"You guys ready? Whoa, what's up with Gaara?" Naruto studied his friend curiously.

"He was saying that it was hot in here."

"It'll be cooler outside. I asked around and the people here said that there's a bar right down the street. You guys in?"

"Yes." Bars meant places to sit. Having a place to sit meant not having this damn plug rubbing his innards every time he took a step.

"I don't drink, but if Gaara wants to go…"

"I'll go find the guys." Naruto bounded off.

"Will you be needing me to carry you?" Killerbee queried playfully.

"I can walk fine."

Later he was wishing that he'd taken Killerbee up on his offer as he tried to figure out how to walk so that the plug wouldn't move so damn much. Love was so stupid.

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto didn't fancy himself to be paranoid. And yet…

"Is it just me, or have people been staring at us?"

A lanky twink sidled up to Gaara. "Are your legs tired? I'd think so, seeing that you've been running through my mind all night."

"He's with me." Killerbee cut off the courtship before it ever had a chance.

The twink looked down at Gaara, lip curled as if a particularly foul odor had just been wafted in his direction. "So you're into _that_, huh? Figures you'd be a size queen. It's always the innocent-looking ones."

Acknowledging his presence meant admitting to something that he wasn't that interested in, so Gaara pretended that the man wasn't hovering over him. Smugly strutting off, the twink disappeared into the crowd of pulsing bodies around them.

"Okay, now I'm _sure_ people have been staring at us."

"I'm afraid that's my fault." Killerbee admitted, running his finger around the circumference of his glass of cranberry juice. "Interracial dating hasn't quite caught on in the gay community yet. Sticking to what you know is generally how it works. Being attracted to someone your own gender is already agony city for the way the world views you. We're considered abominations in the eyes of every major religion. No need to make it tougher by mixing the pot."

Another man came for a swoop, this time for Killerbee. His teeth were exceptionally bright compared to the rich darkness of his skin. "Hey. How about you drop that pasty white bitch and take on a real man?"

"Not interested."

"Don't play me, man. We spent more than a century enslaved to these fuckers. Where's your African pride?"

"In the same part of me that loves him."

"Damn Toby, he's got you whipped real good. Guess I'll leave you with 'Massa'. Fuck you and your tiny-dick white bitch."

Killerbee's hand tightened into a crushing grip on his glass. "Hard as it is, I'm attempting to be civil with you, but if you keep trying to start something with me—"

"Nigga, this shit started when you betrayed your race to be with that emaciated cracker. This shit is on like Donkey Kong, you hear?" His hands went up in a fighting stance that was so blatantly stolen from some B-list action flick that it was almost as painful as the insults he'd been slinging. "And 'attempting to be civil'? Bet you went to college, didn't ya? You did your tricks for the Man and he gave you a dime to get good and educated. You don't know how hard it is out there for a real nigga! We don't get nothin' handed to us 'cause the Man is keepin' us down! Forget me ever wantin' to fuck you! Your punk ass couldn't handle a real nigga like me! Now get your bigheaded self up and prepare for the asswhoopin' of a lifetime!"

"Paul!" shouted the bartender. The bouncer arrived and snared the rabble-rouser by the arm in attempt to drag him out before the situation got any more heated.

"There's no need for that. I assure you, I can handle this on my own."

Killerbee slid off the bar stool and pressed his feet firmly on the floor to ground himself. The enraged man took a swing at him that he neatly sidestepped, retaliating with a hard right that drove home into his attacker's stomach. Coughing, the man distanced himself before going in for another strike. Killerbee caught his fist, tightening his grip on it until the onlookers that had gathered could hear bones popping. His knee came up and nailed him right below the ribcage and that was all she wrote. The man lay gasping on the floor, visibly shaken at the turn of events.

"For your information, my parents were illegal immigrants. But to them, it was unacceptable for me to do anything less than my best so I could have the life they wanted me to. We didn't always live in the best neighborhoods and when my father was scraping by on minimum wage jobs, trying to get employers to acknowledge his abilities and being degraded and belittled along the way because the fact he was from the supposedly backwards country of Iran made them sick, we didn't always have food on the table. When I did get the chance to go to a better school, he took a second job and my mother got one of her own so they could afford the tuition and when I got there, I saw nothing but white faces every day. The civil rights movement had ended decades before, but even then I was a second class citizen. You think you've got it tough because you're black? Try adding Muslim on top of that and see how much people like you. Even then I worked hard throughout my primary school career so I could have the chance to get a better education."

"Fuck you!" wheezed the instigator.

"Nothing was ever handed to me. My 'African pride', as you call it, does exist. It lives alongside my Persian pride and my American pride and all three are thriving. They don't hold me back. They empower me. You have no excuse." Killerbee raised his head high. "Leave before your damage becomes a type that's more permanent."

He sat back down and the people who had come to watch the fight dispersed somewhat disappointed at the lack of bloodshed.

Gaara ordered some more juice for his lover, shunning the watered down cranberry drink of ten minutes ago. "Do you often give motivational speeches when you're beating the hell out of someone?"

"I thought it appropriate for the occasion. That's what you get for dating a big scary terrorist race-traitor like me. It's always a surprise."

"Congrats on the victory." Gaara lifted his drink and Killerbee did the same, clinking them together. "That guy was beyond rude."

"Indeed he was." Killerbee lowered his juice so the rim touched the bottom of Gaara's glass. "I am your servant."

Keeping his curiosity to himself, Gaara amused himself by running his finger through the fringe of Killerbee's beard. "You're so weird."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"So… This beer's pretty good, eh, Sasuke?" Naruto wasn't quite sure to handle what had happened mere moments ago.

"The head is weak. Cheap shit." Sasuke was a scathing critic, but he was going to get his money's worth one way or another. He forced another mouthful down his gullet. "Where'd your midget girlfriend go? Didn't she leave to use the bathroom like twenty minutes ago?"

"She's not a midget, you dick. Not every girl can have legs up to their eyeballs." Naruto prodded his companion with his pimp cane. "Maybe there was a line."

"Long legs are hotter. She probably hooked up with some random chick."

"That's your opinion and there's no way she did that."

"Long legs are hotter, period. Especially when they're in stilettos and fishnets."

"Again, your opinion."

"Sorry it took me so long to get back. I was talking to my new friend." Tenten gestured towards a redhead decked out as Poison Ivy. "She knows a lot of neat things about guns."

"Called it." Knocking back the last of his drink, Sasuke set down the empty glass with an air of satisfaction and ordered a stronger spirit to slake his undying thirst.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Naruto."

"Tenten mentioned you. You really are as handsome as she said you were, aside from the hideous suit." The redhead shook his hand. "I might have to take you up on that offer."

"See, we were talking and she mentioned that she just broke up with her girlfriend and I thought the three of us could have some… fun. Provided that you're feeling up to it."

Naruto wished he'd had a tape recorder so he could replay that beautiful statement over and over again until the end of time. God bless bisexual women! "I'm more than up to it."

"My car's out front. We can go whenever you want."

Blissfully stupefied, Naruto turned to the rest of the group and said, "Sorry, but we'll be ducking out on you guys. Happy Halloween."

Sasuke rattled the ice in his glass for a long while after his roommate was gone. "So unfair… Gimmie another."

Half an hour later, the faintest of a buzz had settled pleasantly between Gaara's ears and the world had developed a misty outline. His cognition was only slightly slowed, but he figured it was time to call it quits. "Well this whole evening was a bust. Let's go home."

Sasuke groaned into the polished wood of the bar. He'd just downed an extremely unreasonable amount of 150-proof vodka to drown his sorrows. "M'not goin home."

Forgetting the false advance on his boyfriend momentarily, Killerbee almost felt sympathetic towards Sasuke. "Can't say I blame him. I don't know if I'd want to listen to Zetsu having a three-way."

"He can stay at my house. Hope you like sleeping on couches. Sasori is in my main guest bedroom and the other one is full of junk at the moment. You could move it, but with the state you're in, I wouldn't recommend it." Tactfully neglecting to mention the issue of his cousin's deep-rooted sexual attraction and the potential ramifications, Gaara helped Sasuke to his feet. "Easy there. Watch your step."

"Yer a good friend, Gaara. You know that? You are." Drifting into microsleep, Sasuke staggered sideways, nearly taking the both of them down before abruptly regaining consciousness and righting them so they wouldn't become too intimately acquainted with the floor. "And you have soft lips. Jus like a girl… Better than yer stupid cousin."

Perplexed and troubled, Gaara figured he shouldn't touch that subject. Was it best to put him and his horndog cousin in such close proximity? When Sasori was on the rebound, he tended to behave more lasciviously than while in the middle of a semi-stable relationship. Plus there was that mob mindset. No didn't mean no. The word no might as well not exist as far as he was concerned. Fortunately, Sasori managed to maintain a shred of human decency and probably wouldn't take advantage of him while Gaara was trying get in his forty winks. If he did, well… Sasuke was going to be shit out of luck.

Killerbee had flagged down a cab already, fortunate given the area they were in. "After you get him situated, I want you to come back to my place. I have something I want to show you."

"Watch the curb, Sasuke." Gaara ushered the anthropologist into the cab delicately and squeezed in to the crowded seat.

"Gaara, I love youuuu…" Sasuke patted his friend on the back awkwardly. "I can count on you, 'cause you're my bro... And I love you, Beeee… Actually, I'm kinda terrified of you… And I love this guy driving us hooommmeee… Give him a really, really, really, really, really, really, really big tip."

Hot embarrassment stained Gaara's face crimson as the cabbie gave them a peculiar look. This was quite possibly the drunkest he'd seen Sasuke. "Guess I should stock up on Gatorade. You're going to have a hell of a hangover."

Struck by sudden inspiration, Sasuke leaned over Gaara and opened the door, letting a cool rush of air flow into the small cabin as stuck his head out and screamed, "I love everyoneeeee!"

Killerbee grabbed him by his shirt and yanked him back inside as Gaara quickly closed the door, narrowly dodging a wayward bicyclist.

"If he's going to be a problem, then you three can get the hell out right here."

"He won't be a problem."

"Turn up the radio! I love this song! _They took the midnight train going anywheeereee!_" Sasuke belted out gleefully.

Gaara put his hand over Sasuke's mouth. Note to self, he thought as Sasuke tried to pry his hand away from his face, extremely drunk Sasuke should not be allowed in public.

"Reminds me of why I don't drink." While amused, Killerbee was bothered by the notion that people willingly did this to themselves. "Does this happen every time you go out?"

"If you mean him belting out karaoke solos and declaring his love for everyone and everything within a three mile radius, then no. He went the full nine yards tonight."

"How privileged we are to witness this for ourselves." Killerbee rolled his eyes as Sasuke's energy faded again and he nodded off briefly on Gaara's shoulder, drooling copiously.

"Gross." Gaara pushed him over to Killerbee's side of the seat and tried unsuccessfully to get the wet spot out of his pinstriped suit.

Jolted awake, Sasuke took in his surroundings with a baffled look and lulled momentarily. "Wha happen? Where are we"

"We're going home."

"Your home?"

"Yes."

"Dibs on the bathroom. Gotta piss like a racehorse."

"Thanks. We really wanted to know that." Gaara was seriously considering dropping alcohol from his life after this shenanigan ended. He doubted that he'd miss it much. Sasuke began to croon 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

No, he didn't think he'd miss it a bit.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara was not a fan of surprises. In fact, he rather disliked surprises on the whole. When Killerbee told him to close his eyes while he opened his apartment, he hoped that whatever this thing that had to be seen was not surprising whatsoever. The horror film-addled paranoid part of himself imagined a bloody massacre scene where guts hung from the ceiling as decorative garlands and not a square inch of the entire apartment was free from the burgundy taint of blood stains. Zetsu's head would be served up on a platter with an apple crammed in his mouth. The many people he held dear to him would be hanging from the ceiling on butcher's hooks. While the macabre theories were running, he might as well mention a murder-suicide. Killerbee would draw a Colt, shoot him somewhere vital, and then turn the gun on himself in the stupidest romantic statement to ever exist. Or he could go solely for the murder and defile his still-warm corpse by deep-dicking it to completion. What a plethora of possibilities!

Impatiently tapping his foot, he waited for Killerbee to get the door unlocked and unleash whatever horrors lay within. Taking Gaara by the hand, he led his boyfriend inside and urged him to look at what he'd done.

Countless candles flickered dimly on any flat surface there was room to occupy and a trail of rose petals created a path to Killerbee's bedroom. Soft music played distantly from the same direction. Sandalwood incense smoldered in the kitchen. Searching for an explanation, Gaara looked to Killerbee. Added together, this only came out to one possible solution.

"I said it'd be special, didn't I?"

"Bee, this is kinda… cheesy. But in a good way."

"I had hoped you would like it. Zetsu help me set it up." Killerbee joined their lips briefly. "May I have you, Gaara?"

"Aren't we Mr. Manners tonight?" Gaara marveled. "You most definitely may."

They slipped out of their costumes on the way to the bedroom and while Gaara shivered at the chill that touched his skin, he wasn't cold for long. Killerbee kept close to him, warming him as they kissed their way to the bed, laying him down slowly. Gaara didn't spend much time in that position as he quickly found his face against the covers, underwear being stripped away. Naked and prostrate before his lover, Gaara cast him a look over his shoulder at the man who sat patiently on his haunches, disposing the underwear that had stood between him and what he wanted.

"I'm impressed that you kept it in the entire night." Killerbee undid the strap that held the plug in and gripped the base. "Ready?"

"Yes."

Killerbee drew back the plug, cock springing with every sphere that slid out of Gaara's ass so cleanly. Gaara groaned earthily, anus alive with raw sensation as the spheres dragged smoothly across the sensitive muscles. Being empty was strange after having spent the better part of two hours with the thing stuck in him. Killerbee discarded the plug and kissed the back of Gaara's neck, then parted his lips to lick it with his broad tongue. Shivering as the saliva cooled on his skin, Gaara wondered where this would lead. More kisses? Or another form of foreplay?

Neither was the answer for again Killerbee licked him, slightly lower this time, running his tongue straight up to Gaara's neck. This way he carried on down Gaara's upper back, always coming back to the original destination before starting the next lick. There was something soothing about it.

"Close your eyes and feel, Gaara. That's what I want you to do. Just feel me touching your beautiful body, feel me rubbing my hands all over you, feel me worship you the only way I know how." Committing his sweet sacrilege, he was halfway through the ribs when he spoke. "You want me to tell you what I'm going to do to you, Gaara?"

"Try me…" Gaara purred drowsily.

"I'm gonna lick you from your head to your toes."

Demonstrating further, he went fancy and drew a sloppy swirling path to the origin. His breath fanned heavily against Gaara's upper vertebrae.

"Maybe I'll suck on your nuts."

Reaching out with those delicately trained hands of his, he fondled the pale sack to wake it from its unattended slumber.

"I'm going to play with your asshole for a while, but not too long. Wouldn't want to keep you waiting."

Rubbing his thumb against the rosy pucker, Killerbee now directed his mouth up from the spot where it had been, past the kidneys. He paused his ministrations momentarily to lean into Gaara's ear and huskily whisper, "And then I'll stick my big fat dick in your almost-virgin ass and give it a real nice workout. I'll get noises out of you that you didn't know you could make. I'll fuck you through the mattress _and_ the floor and your ass will be gulping me up like I'm the best damn milkshake you ever had. I'll take you to the breaking point and back. And when I'm finished with you, I'll pump you full of rich, creamy dick juice. Do you want that, _G-a-a-a-r-r-r-a_?"

Gaara moaned into the sheets, body flushing hotly as Killerbee sensually dragged out his name.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

"Yes!" Gaara groaned, stomach muscles rippling beneath him as the gentle lapping recommenced.

"I'd hoped so. But talk is cheap."

Killerbee reached the base of Gaara's spine, swooping his tongue up its entirety. Gaara trembled with pleasure, body loose and willing to be taken at Killerbee's behest. Pausing the action for a moment, Killerbee retrieved something from his nightstand and showed it to Gaara. It appeared to be a three by three square of latex. Curious to the purpose of the petite sheath, Gaara waited with bated breath. Returning to his previous position, Killerbee parted the moon-white globes that were his boyfriend's asscheeks with one hand and pressed the latex square to the lubricated hole with the other. Once it was in the ideal position, he dipped his head down and thrust his tongue—curled into an cylindrical shape smooth the entry—against the sheath into Gaara's anus. He hoped Gaara didn't take offense to the sheath, given that it could be taken as he viewed him to be unclean.

Gaara was having no such complaints. Killerbee had unfurled his broad tongue and it had taken on a life of its own inside him, undulating, twisting, lapping, sucking at his inner walls in this forbidden pleasure. For the first time he had a violent reaction to his lover's treatment, writhing under his skillful touch and shrieking out the name of the man who was doing this fantastically wicked thing to him. Fingers tightening in the sheets, he briefly wondered how long his claw marks would remain in the soft blue fabric. Killerbee began to nibble—Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!—at his hole, bringing his boiling blood forth to saturate the vessels he was becoming intimately acquainted with. Gaara nearly wept. Part of him was so seized with lust that he pushed himself back further onto Killerbee's face, delighting in the feel of the rough moustache tickling his skin. His dick dribbled eagerly, seeking more excitement.

Killerbee disappointed him by removing his tongue and casting the sheath aside. "Now, to get some latex on the both of us…"

It took a moment for his brain to catch up and when it did, Gaara thought it was a bit extreme to have the bottom wearing a rubber as well, but this was Killerbee's time to shine so he wasn't about to complain if it meant that the rest of their session would be anything like that glorious eat-out he'd surrendered to. He rolled over to receive his condom and got a look at his boyfriend's prick for the first time.

"What the hell is that supposed to be?" he exclaimed, scooting away nervously. "Jesus! That's not a penis, that's a WMD!"

Bobbing between Killerbee's legs was a circumcised penis with dimensions rather similar to that of a cucumber. Flushed dark with blood, it was girthy and of a considerable length. Beneath it hung a pair of heavy-looking testicles and Gaara had to wonder what it felt like to be carrying that in his pants every day. The ego-boost he got out of it had to be phenomenal.

"Relax," Killerbee soothed him. "If you get too nervous, it'll hurt."

"How is your brain still functioning with that taking up so much of your blood supply?"

"Ha ha, Mr. Funnyman." Killerbee rolled his eyes as he secured the condom. "Here's yours."

There was something strangely beautiful in the monstrous thing, which was currently being lubricated by its tamer. He knew that penises could get to that size but had never seen one himself. "You could do push-ups with that thing. Seriously. If you lost a leg, that could replace it."

"Am I going to have to make you behave?"

"I don't think I can take it."

"Look, it's just like the butt plug. You're already stretched pretty well and if you just relax a little, I promise it won't hurt that much." With a twisting flourish he finished lubing up his hardened length. "If you don't like that, then you can ride me so you're controlling the amount you're taking at any given time."

"If you're okay with that."

"I'd be honored to be your steed."

Nothing he could think of could adequately respond to that, so he gave Killerbee a look that said it all and more. Perking his eyebrow at his lover, Killerbee took a new place on the bed at the headboard to give himself support. It wouldn't do to have to stop because of back strain halfway through. Gaara positioned himself accordingly and began to carefully sink down onto the girthy prick. Every half inch or so he would pause and try to get used to the fullness. Overall the pain was minor and he was soon stuffed like a spring chicken. He lifted himself up slightly and pushed his hips back down, slowly setting a pace for himself. He worried that Killerbee wouldn't like this, but the biologist sat there smiling at him in pure adoration.

"You're so beautiful, Gaara." His strong hands caressed the pale thighs of his lover, eliciting a soft groan. "You could have nearly any man you want and you chose me. Do you have any idea how blessed that makes me feel?"

"I'm the one who should be saying that about you."

"I'd call you perfect, were it not for the fact humans are incapable of being perfect. But even in your imperfection, you manage to be a cut above the rest."

Gaara blushed at the praise. "You're going to make me lose my focus with that sweet-talking."

So Killerbee kissed him instead. Encouraged by the gratuitous affection, Gaara picked up the tempo. Hands migrating from thighs to hips, Killerbee steadied him and began to rock shallowly into the inexperienced hole. The size of his manhood made it as such that the contact with Gaara's prostate was nearly constant and lazy waves of pleasure stroked the edges of his mind. Lactic acid burned in Gaara's leg muscles from the exertion and his cock occasionally twitched, spitting out bits of precum. He stopped to catch his breath. Killerbee had been patient with him this long. Rewarding such a virtue seemed appropriate.

"Fuck me, Bee."

Keeping a guiding arm around Gaara, he laid the man down on his back without splitting their conjoined state. Once he thought him to be properly situated on the sheets, he propped himself up and began a legato series of thrusts, powerful and slow. Each one moved Gaara a fraction away from his previous resting point. It wasn't long before Killerbee found the proper angle to access the prostate and the blunted edge of his cock was soon alternating between short, sharp bursts against it and longer ones that were borderline painful. His arms snaked up to pull Killerbee closer to him, to meld their flesh with sweat. His legs followed their fingered brothers to lock ankles behind Killerbee, effectively imprisoning him in an embrace.

Gaara was completely overwhelmed with sensation. The musky smell of Killerbee, the soft crush of pubic hairs against his ass, the heaviness of Killerbee's weight on his comparatively fragile body, the faint slap of full testicles against his skin. So unbearable was this bliss that he had scant doubts an orgasm in this state just might kill him.

"I love you, I love you, I love you—oh god, I love you!" Gaara moaned, arching up into a particularly potent thrust.

Each declaration made Killerbee whisper back 'I love you too, I love you too' and the affirmation only served to make Gaara more enthralled, prick drooling steadily into the reservoir tip of the condom. The wetness of his own juices on his aching skin stirred up a fervor that was nearly hallucinogenic in nature. Pressure spiraled in a chaotic vortex that inhabited the space right below his gut, a rapidly shrinking black hole that would result in a personal Big Bang that he was trying to fend off for as long as he could. Will battling the firm thrusts of his lover's cock, he mounted a mighty defense with shields gleaming. Each push was a battering ram to take down the fortress he had carefully constructed and the shields were soon dented and crumpling. Redoubling his efforts, Gaara sent in reinforcements to support the collapsing guard and for a while it seemed to be successful, but Killerbee's aerobic capabilities were greater than those of his own and once more he was waging a losing war as the tides of an orgasm began lapping at the heels of his strained self-control. Tighter and tighter the vortex coiled, on the verge of implosion.

The line broke.

Tossing his head back, Gaara cried out his lover's name in pure, unadulterated ecstasy as his buttocks clenched to the tightest the muscles could contract and his body locked into a massive shuddering ejaculation that caught Killerbee off guard and drove him over his own cliff. Thick cum jetted out of their respective penises to stretch their reservoirs to the limit and Gaara, still shaking, uttered a few breathy noises before falling into a fuzzy limpness beneath Killerbee. Showing his appreciation the only way his dulled mind knew how, Gaara began rubbing small circles on Killerbee's back and kissed his sweating brow.

"I've never cummed that hard in my life…"

"I think…" Killerbee half panted, half laughed. "…that was a bit of a first for me as well. I really wasn't expecting that trick at the end. I thought I'd be able to last a while longer but you pulled that and it was game over."

"Sorry. I don't know what that was."

"Don't be. I look forward to seeing more of it." Killerbee tasted the sweat on Gaara's cheek, sighing at the saltiness. "You have no idea how amazing it felt when you clamped down on me all of a sudden and started to shake. With all the lovers I've had, none of them stimulated me that much in a single moment."

Replaying the final moments in his memory, Gaara felt mortification creeping up on him. "I can't believe I was screaming like that…"

"Bet the neighbors know my name." Killerbee shook his head, chuckling. He expected he'd have several noise complaints against him first thing in the morning.

"Get off me, you big lug. It's not funny."

"I assure you, you'll get used to hearing yourself make those noises soon enough."

Laughing as Gaara protested this indignity, Killerbee smothered his faces with kisses and began to withdraw, the thick penis dragging mournfully out of Gaara's ass and leaving a gaping emptiness there that longed to be filled again. They cleaned themselves up and settled down on the plush pillows. Sleep came quickly for both.

I0I0I0I0I

Miles away, Sasuke Uchiha was trying to enjoy a good night's rest of his own. His success was limited. Falling asleep was easy, especially since he was drunk. Hours later he woke up to take a piss and had stayed up since, trying to work his way into slumber once more. When he had gotten to that blissful semi-conscious state that was situated firmly on the border between rest and wakefulness, he'd heard that unmistakable noise. There was only one person who could fapping in the doorway of the second guest bedroom at midnight. Moving slowly, he shifted unnoticeably under the blanket to get a better look of the voyeur who was so fascinated by his sleeping cycle. Unless Gaara had decided to come home—which was highly unlikely—then the culprit was Sasori, as he suspected. He wanted to chase him out and give him a sound beating for even having the gall to do such a repulsive thing but Sasori was his only link to the city's seedy underbelly. Better to put up with the minor crap when he could than to lose his informant.

Finishing with a muffled grunt, Sasori watched Sasuke for a while longer before crossing the floor of the small room to stand at his bedside. He brushed the hair out of Sasuke's face tenderly with his cum-free hand and bent down to kiss his temple.

"Sleep tight, Uchiha."

Disappearing quietly as he came, Sasori retreated to his own nighttime dwelling and Sasuke shivered. That was beyond creepy. Spending nights at Gaara's house was a no-no from now on. Rubbing the spot where Sasori had kissed him on the back of his hand, he struggled to resist the urge to take a very long and thorough shower. With his luck, Sasori had likely planted a camera in the bathroom to catch any potential action. Was this really the right guy for the job?

Naruto was going to be paying this stupid favor off for the rest of his life.

0o0

More Sasori, since the readers requested it. I've mentioned this to a few of you, but for everyone else: Since Sasori is Gaara's cousin and Karura was his aunt, you know who that makes his dad, right? Think about it.

**Extra story related stuff**: Remember a couple chapters back when I mentioned that when Sasuke was younger he had a girlfriend he was super in love with but they had a really nasty breakup and he suffered some deep emotional scars that he represses as much as humanly possible due to it? Interested in seeing her in the not-too-distant-but-not-too-near future? All in favor say yay, everyone who doesn't give a flying fuck say nay.

In regards to people who are like the angry guy at the bar… STFU, you're making the rest of us look bad. On the upside, I think I get bonus points for working a tiny _Roots_ reference into a Naruto fanfic.

Finally, slang note for those who may not know.

**Fapping: **(verb.) A term synonymous with masturbation, jerking off, etc. Derived from the fleshy sound of a hand moving quickly across a penis.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	14. 1:1

Broke Straight Guys

I'M BACK, MOFOS!

Dedications: **Miyuki1393, the kyo, TigrezzTail, Eipok, DeLongeSauce111, JessMess, jspgnh1234, Vine Verrine, w, XxTaintedxDaggerxX, randomfan17, Lilith G. Astroll, ssbfan, gaaralover1989, Imarriedmalfoy, CherubicTaco, Catastrophic Monsoon, xthextellxtalexmassacrex, NX-Loveless-XN, falltotemptationx, CloudsofRabbits, Sesshysgirl06, Lobaa, HimekoUchia, callmebaby'08', Teddy . syn , OMFG**

I love all you guys. Seriously. I do.

0o0

1:1

0o0

Waking up in a cold sweat, the blackness of the room engulfed everything into insignificance. The nightly paranoia had returned. Shadows twisted into monstrous shapes on the yellow walls, shifting and morphing as they strained to get out, confined in the limits of the paint. Cityscape sounds he would've found typical drifted into a wretched diminished key that fueled the spirits of the dark monsters that flickered so gracefully across the empty walls. No radios to drown them out. No mp3 players to clutch tight and playing soothing ocean sounds on and feel better. Air was getting shorter and he began to wheeze quietly, eyes flicking back and forth over the wretches. They were the least of his worries, he realized. Some thugs could burst into the apartment without a warning, find him cowering in these sheets and murder him here. Cold glittering steel plunging into his belly, making his hands warm with blood as he tried to hold in his guts until death felt merciful enough to take him into its embrace. He could feel each phantom strike even though there was no assailant present to deliver them. Oxygen deprivation began to set in, though he gasped deeper, faster. Drowning on land. Heart thumping like a rabbit on the run from a determined hawk, he submersed himself in the covers.

In his panic, he somehow managed to find something good in it all. Laying there was a warm, sculpted hunk of flesh. An arm, powerfully defined even in this state of rest. Attached to it was a broad chest dusted with a coating of dark hair that moved slowly with the breath that inflated the lungs hidden under skin and bone. Dried sweat, ejaculate, and a heady musk filled his nostrils in a soothing concoction that beat even the finest, most expensive of lavender oils. Huddling close to the statuesque figure, Gaara managed to catch his breath against the ochre flesh. Shaking as he recovered in the kindly warmth of the body, he pressed his ear to a pectoral and let the pulsing beat consume his fears in its steady assurance.

Careful, so as not to wake his lover, he lifted the thick arm and placed it around his waist. The hand shifted, drifting slightly up his back. Billing it as a reflex, Gaara pressed closer to his boyfriend. Killerbee caressed his hair and Gaara started, surprised. Hadn't he been quiet enough? Dark eyes twinkling, Killerbee brought him closer and whispered something in sleepy Farsi. Realizing his attempt at comfort was somewhat flawed by the language barrier, he tried again.

"I'm here."

And that was all Gaara needed to hear for his heart to even out and sleep to come once more.

I0I0I0I0I

The call was unexpected. Most things that happened at three in the morning were. _'Our house/ In the middle of our street'_ repeated ad nauseum from the little phone until he managed to gather the energy necessary to bring his hand around the smooth black plastic and gaze at the caller's number. Another unknown number. Too tired to be annoyed at the shock tactics of the thugs, he cast a short glance to Tenten, who was sleeping beside him contentedly, and answered the call.

"What," Naruto grunted flatly.

"_So, uh… How goes the money-gathering? Saving up the paychecks? I know you've been doing it."_

"What do you want? Can this not wait until later?" Since they were calling, he figured he might as well ask, "Can I talk to Haku?"

"_Listen pal. You've got friends in high places. I respect that. I wouldn't have taken this gig if I had known you had affiliations with 'certain folks'."_ Conversation pausing briefly, as if the speaker was looking over his shoulder for some monster of the night, it started up again a few awkward seconds later. _"I don't want any trouble, okay? I was getting a pretty penny for scooping this chick. Would you call 'em off, please?"_

While he wasn't entirely sure what was going on, Naruto figured he might as well play along with it. Sasuke's favor must've kicked in. "As soon as I see Haku, you're set."

"_Man, your guys took her. Call them up. They could drop her at your doorstep with a bow on top."_ The man's voice began to shake. _"She's free. She's not hurt. I swear."_

The whole situation seemed dangerously close to being too good to be true. "If this is a trick—"

"_Not a trick, I swear! You gotta do me a favor. I capped one of your guys when they busted in all of a sudden. I mean, what's a guy supposed to do when people come in and start bustin' up shit? You gotta take some action! I need protection, bad. I know you know that these guys are some vicious motherfuckers. I don't want to end up six under."_ Voice wavering again, the man quickly steeled himself as he prepared to abort this call as soon as he was finished talking. _"Look, take that money you've been saving up and buy your girl a real nice necklace or wine or some fancy shit like that. I don't want it, I don't care about it. Just call the guys off, okay?"_

"Fine."

As Naruto hit the end call button, a doorbell rang five miles away. Frantic knocking awakened Sasuke from his slumber. Was getting a good sleep even possible anymore? Twelve days after Halloween and without fail, he was getting a rude awakening. Each night seemed to have a different reason as to why, from having to get up to puke himself half to death after a rough night to a simple inability to stay asleep for more than an hour at a time. He had invited himself into Gaara's house in hopes of having someone to burden his sleeplessness with, but the bastard hadn't even bothered to come home as far as he could tell. Probably at Killerbee's place again. They _had_ to be boning by now. He wasn't even gay, but he'd seen the way they'd been practically fucking each other with their eyes when they were out and about after the Broke Straight Guys party. He wasn't stupid enough to think they were still keeping it chaste. Only Naruto was, he snorted as he reluctantly shuffled to the door.

There was a limit to naiveté and he had long since gone into the willful ignorance territory. He just didn't want to have to deal with the thoughts of being compared to Killerbee in the sack. Stereotyping was bad and all, but the guy was obviously hung like a donkey. Even if Gaara got a sex change and turned out to be a super hot chick, Sasuke wouldn't touch something a black guy had fucked. There was simply no competition, unless he was prepared to bust out his A-game from the start. And he couldn't always have a perfect fuck. Every once in a while, one needed a quick and dirty round or to try out a potential kink and Sasuke just _knew_ that Killerbee was probably some ridiculously courteous lover and didn't push Gaara past his limits and everything was butterflies and rainbows when they got it on. No wonder Naruto tried to ignore it.

Well, there was that _other_ thing, but that was something Sasuke intended to confront him about another time.

Reluctantly he shuffled to the door and answered it. Something heavy collided with him and he struggled to support it, fumbling with it like it was a heavy sack of potatoes. What sort of shenanigans was this? He looked down and saw red.

Lifting his head with a massive exertion of effort, Sasori cracked a wry smile. "Hey gorgeous. If I die here, I'd be the happiest man in the world. Is Gaara home?"

"What are you doing? Get up, jackass. You've got two working legs."

"Not feeling so hot right now, darlin'. Can I lay down?"

A bedraggled, frightened looking woman and an extremely annoyed man in a long black coat stood on the doorstep behind Sasori. The woman stared at him in unadulterated, wide eyed fear before shoving something into the hands of the man and fleeing the scene without a word. Further adding disorientation to the situation, the man sighed as he looked at Sasori before saying, "He got shot. Can we borrow a band-aid?"

"He _what?_"

Sasori grimaced apologetically. "Sorry to bother ya. We'll be gone in a jiffy."

Sasuke hauled Sasori into the living room and kicked a pillow from the couch onto the floor and spread out a throw blanket while trying to keep the mobster upright. Trying to remember where the landline was at, Sasuke jerked his head in the general direction and said, "Hey, you. Go get the phone."

Carefully, Sasuke laid down Sasori. The thug was clutching his lower abdomen, face screwed up in agony. The man in the long coat chucked the phone at him and harrumphed, folding his arms before taking his place at the kitchen table. Kabuto answered the phone on the first ring and Sasuke commanded him to drive here at mach speed and discarded the phone. He placed his hands atop Sasori's shaking fingers and pressed hard against the covered wound. Tears rolled out of Sasori's eyes and his breathing hitched.

"Nnng, fucking Christ!" he moaned, barely biting back a scream. "Oh fucking Hell!"

"Stop crying," Sasuke said gruffly as more tears made tracks down Sasori's face. "You're a man.

"Can't help it." Sasori winced and smiled for a short second. "You're hot when you're mad."

"Letting some guy die on my watch is bad for my reputation. I've got a career to build, after all." Sasuke turned his head and glowered at the man in black. "Who are you?"

"Tch." A snub, followed by the flick of a long ponytail.

"Dei, baby, please. Can you postpone your grudge right now? I'm kinda dying…" Sasori pleaded, quickly whispering to Sasuke, "My ex."

"You always had a fucked up taste in men. I don't see the appeal. Nothing is cute about him whatsoever!" Deidara growled, slamming his fist on the table. "What didn't you like about our arrangement? It should have been perfect!"

"Deidara, you spiteful motherfucker, I just got fucking shot and you're concerned about me ending things with you? It wasn't perfect because I can't stand the constant breaking up and making up. We're not teenagers anymore. I don't want to be that weird older guy hitting up the clubs for someone to screw because you've kicked me out yet again." Sasori spoke hurried and quietly, trying his best to not aggravate his wounds. "Look. I want to meet someone I can settle down with and adopt some kids with, maybe. You're not that guy. You don't know what it means to be dedicated. Every time things might get rough, you boot me out until you feel better. I thought maybe you would mellow out, but you haven't. You're immature. I'm sick of waiting for you to grow up."

"Fuck you, Sasori! I hope you go to hell!"

"I probably will. Now, if you're done being angry with me, I'd like to ask you to get your fucking priorities straight! I just got shot. I am bleeding through a hole in my gut, in case you hadn't noticed!"

"You've been shot before, you bitch! You were just fine!"

"I got shot in the arm. And that was before I had a record. If I go into the hospital, I'm going to end up trying to not be someone's prison bitch because the police got me on some technicality. You know how many times that's happened?"

"Fuck you, Sasori. You deserve to be in prison. You think you're so great. Why don't you see how big you are when some closet fag is fucking your pathetic asshole raw in the shower?"

"Are you fucking retarded? Give a damn that he's in bad shape! Even I'm not _that_ big a dick!" If memory served him correct, Kabuto lived less than ten blocks away. "You need to get a backup plan in case the guy I called can't fix him."

"We were together for five years! A slut like you couldn't possibly understand—"

"I don't give two shits right now. This guy that you supposedly loved for five years might not make to dawn and you aren't interested in helping him? Shut the hell up and think of a backup plan."

Sasori smiled weakly. "My hero. If I start to fade, will you kiss me? I want to feel your sweet lips at least one more time before I go."

"One, you're not going to die. Two, I don't kiss corpses."

"Fading, not dead."

"Just shut up. There's a doctor on his way."

"Your eyes are so beautiful. Did I ever tell you that? Grey, like thunderclouds. I love the rain. I hope it rains on the day of my funeral."

"Stop being stupid and focus on not dying."

Kabuto stormed in the open front door and surveyed the situation before setting to work. There was nothing else Sasuke could do at this point. In the chaos, he quietly shut the front door and watched his first ever live surgery.

I0I0I0I0I

When Gaara woke up for a second time that day, the bed was empty. Scratching his belly lazily, he slid out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. When the door opened, a wall of steam passed through him and he stepped into the heat. Killerbee stood in the shower, obscured by the curtain, humming some song Gaara didn't recognize. Gaara disregarded his boyfriend's presence to take a piss that seemed to last for hours, feeling warm and sluggish in the humid bathroom. Shaking off neatly, he had to quickly remind himself to not flush lest he wanted to send his lover to the emergency room with water burns first thing in the morning. Feeling particularly sultry—if not tired—he drew aside the lime green curtains and invited himself into the shower.

"What brings you around these parts, stranger?" Killerbee set down his soap.

Thick suds dripped down Killerbee's toned chest and Gaara was unable to resist scooping up a handful and pressed his hand to his breastbone for a fleeting second before sensually dragging it down his belly as hot water pelted his back. Playfully looking Killerbee in the face, he quipped, "Dirty boys need to get clean."

Rising to the occasion, Killerbee murmured, "Tease."

"What can I say? You've got an effect on me." Gaara shrugged coyly, letting the artificial rain bathe his scalp until the springy curls were soon saturated, sticking to the back of his neck in gingery clumps.

Killerbee was transfixed by the darkened strands and nearly lost himself staring in admiration. "Did you need something?"

"Well, I suppose you could be of assistance to me." Gaara sighed as if disbelieving he was going to ask this favor. "I'm a bit sore from something I did last night and I was hoping to find a big, strong, dorky man to help me clean up."

"I do believe I'm qualified for this position. When do I start?"

"Right about… now."

Killerbee considered the sport soap he had previously been using, but decided upon the clove-mint body wash that sat ignored for the most part in his shower rack—Kareema had left it on one of her rare overnight visits and he hadn't given it a second thought about it until now. Squeezing out a half dollar of the wash, the air was laced with a mixture of a spicy and sweet aroma and he worked it into the beginnings of a lather. Shock ran through Gaara's nerves as the cold wash met the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. Changing positions, he braced his back against the wall of the shower and spread his legs further apart as Killerbee cleaned him thoroughly.

Broad fingertip pads curved around his hips before spreading the cheeks of his ass and stroking down the crack. Gaara's hand shot out to the ledge where the sport soap was resting, sending it toppling to the floor of the shower with a splashing thud. While he was recovering from that, Killerbee grabbed more wash and spread it down the crevice. Shivering, he watched Killerbee pool a small amount of water in his cupped palms. Careful to not let any spill, the biologist reached back around Gaara and poured it between his two cheeks, then began to scrub the wash with determination. His short nails scraped at the darkened flesh around Gaara's hole, making a bounty of suds that made his cheeks slippery. He didn't have to look down to know Gaara's prick was standing at attention.

"How's this for cleaning?"

"And you say I'm the tease…"

Gaara moaned as Killerbee dipped his finger into his asshole and swirled it around. His dick jumped and spat precum as the other man began to thrust in and out of him with his digit, cleaning him inside as he had outside. The warmth of the clove made his hole swell and throb and the coolness of the mint had him contracting around the finger, refusing to let it leave before he was finished being pleasured.

"This is hardly fair, you know. I never got finished cleaning myself."

Catching the hint, Gaara fumbled for the body wash and gathered some of it before running his fingers through the dense bush of his lover's pubic hair. The coarse curls grew white under layers of suds and he wasn't satisfied with his efforts until the hairs were dripping soft foam. Empowered by this minor conquest, Gaara slicked his hands up Killerbee's beastly cock and the man shuddered.

"Naughty boy," he growled good-naturedly.

"Make me behave."

"I'll be doing that soon enough if we don't stop." Killerbee broke into a wide smile, retracting his finger from Gaara's ass and slapping it lightly. "Get out of here before I do something I won't regret."

"You sure you don't want some help with this problem of yours?" Gaara rubbed his thumb up the length of the thick vein on the underside of his boyfriend's dick.

"Stop it, you. Go make yourself something to eat."

Resigning himself to having to think about something to cool himself down, Gaara stepped out and toweled off, wondering what Killerbee had in the kitchen. In the end, he made a pot of oatmeal and scrambled eggs with toast and Killerbee came out just in time to eat it while it was still hot. His stupid phone had kept ringing from the bedroom, but he had ignored it and enjoyed breakfast with Killerbee, whose hair was out of its usual braids and gathered in an inconspicuous ponytail.

"It's my rebraiding day," he gave as way of explanation, scooping a conservative amount of food onto his plate. Light breakfasts were the best, in his opinion. "You're free to watch."

"Sounds interesting."

They finished the meal at a leisurely pace and Gaara began to wash the dishes, feeling comfortable despite his nudity. Zetsu was out of town at some botanist's convention and they didn't have a single worry about a soul seeing them. He could see Killerbee observing him from the table in his peripheral vision. He rose up and disappeared for a short while. Gaara worked on a particularly stubborn bit of oatmeal stuck to the rim of the pot. There was something therapeutic in the task, thoughts drifting away until he heard Killerbee's heavy footsteps behind him.

"Thanks for breakfast." Killerbee kissed Gaara's cheek. "I think it could've used some sausage, though."

He pressed flush against Gaara. The hot, erect cock was wedged between the two of them, patiently waiting for action. Gaara made a pleasure noise deep in his throat as the soft crests of Killerbee's lips met his neck. His nipples budded into hard pebbles as Killerbee circled them with his textured fingertips.

"You know, I had a fantasy like this when we first met."

"Really?" Killerbee inquired, bemused and intrigued.

"Yeah." Gaara rested his dripping hands on Killerbee's. "I thought, 'Look at that stud. He's so, _so_ fine. I want him to come over to my house and bend me over the sink, just like this…'"Gaara bowed gracefully, hands gripping the sink's spout for support. "And then, you nearly broke me."

"Well, you know I love making your fantasies come true."

I0I0I0I0I

"Dude, I'm not okay with this. Even if it is an emergency."

Uneasiness tossed in Naruto's stomach. He had promised to bug Gaara less and Sasori was stabilized at the moment, so a phone call really would've sufficed. He hadn't seen hide or hair of the waiter since the party and didn't want to be the bearer of bad news for the first discussion they'd had in twelve days. He even offered to stay home so someone who wasn't that batshit crazy ex-boyfriend of Sasori's was keeping an eye on him.

"Don't care. We need to talk to him about his cousin and his apparent inability to answer a goddamn phone. I called you at the asscrack of dawn to do a medical fetch quest and you answered on the second ring. I call him fifteen times and he doesn't pick up once."

"You don't need me for this. I should be with Sasori to make sure Deidara doesn't kill him."

"I thought that was obvious. You were his first fuck. He'll listen to you."

Naruto jabbed Sasuke in the rib with his elbow as they stood before the apartment door, then knocked. "I was trying to forget about that."

"How can you? Your subconscious has pretty much screwed you on that as hard as you screwed him. Whenever you think of him, that link is always going to be there. How many people can say they took a guy's virginity? Besides, it was your first homoerotic experience. People remember their firsts."

"Please stop talking about this. I don't want to have to deal with this."

"You don't think you should? That was some good stuff."

"What the hell? You watched the video?"

"Shits and giggles, my friend. Saw it last week." Sasuke knocked twice. "Once you got too horny to differentiate between him and any of the other girls you've slept with, you banged the shit out of him. Afterwards, you felt ashamed because society has set standards for acceptable gender play and by having sex with a man, you diminished your masculinity. Doesn't help that society dictates there is something innately wrong with same-sex intercourse and relationships and that they are 'unnatural' and in this aspect, you felt 'unnatural'. The fact that you enjoyed the sex makes it worse because it implies that you are also homosexual and causes further duress still because you deeply believe yourself to be heterosexual—"

"I am heterosexual, dammit! I mean, straight!" Sasuke's pseudo-lectures always left him using words from high school English classes he generally didn't bother using.

"Atop this, your moral compass dictates that you should take care of other people, especially those who you are willing to fornicate with you because they signify potential partners. So in a sense, the only reason you remained in contact with Gaara was because he had submitted himself to you, had given you a piece of himself that could never been given again and you felt obligated to protect and nurture the bearer of this gift like a bird nurtures her young." Sasuke pounded on the door again. "Due to your lens of what 'men' who are 'manly' should look like, Gaara probably looks downright effeminate to you, which made you more willing to take care of him because sometimes your brain could fool itself into thinking that this was okay because this added to your perception of his 'weakness'."

"I don't think Gaara is girly or weak."

Sasuke knocked again, wondering if the two were here at all. "Again, that moral compass says to look after those you perceive as 'weak' and Gaara, being both effeminate—"

"He's not girly!"

"—and submissive to you in sexual activity, fulfilled the role of a woman, which you had been seeking to fill ever since Sakura broke up with you. Your pride grew when opportunities to defend him like when you used to defend Sakura, like when you beat up his ex for him—don't make that face at me. He told me about that ages ago. You could've easily ignored the guy or had a simple verbal dispute. Instead, you made a blatant display of masculinity to impress him."

"It was _not_ to impress him. It was so that douche would leave him alone."

Bored with Naruto's attempts to defend his honor, Sasuke carried on. "The increase in pride was supplemented by the fact that you imagined he had a crush on you, which stoked your ego because the thought of not only completely conquering a man—albeit an effeminate one—in potentially the simultaneously most intimate and degrading way, but doing it so well that he harbored romantic feelings for you afterwards contributed to your alpha male status, which you love to work on. You don't have to go to the gym every other day. You're fit. We get it."

"I hate you more than I can even put into words right now." Naruto directed his anger into a loud shave-and-a-haircut knock.

"While you are glad that he found Killerbee, you can't help but feel as if the mountain you had conquered has now been taken by someone else." Sasuke was starting to feel like they weren't even home. This was getting ridiculous.

"Let me be frank, Sasuke. I really hate you."

"Oh, I'm sure I understand. I'm making you face the fact that you engaged in a homoerotic relationship—relationship doesn't always have to mean you're dating, dumbass—and got your ego so nicely stoked and cultivated and then this other dude comes out of nowhere and steals Gaara, therefore simultaneously stealing your ego satisfaction by diverting all of Gaara's attentions onto him. You knew you were still going to see each other, even if it was going to be less which you were initially okay with. Problem is, it seemed as if he was always with Killerbee, another alpha male who unintentionally was challenging your status. Your quality time together dwindled into nonexistence and you tried to make up for it by clinging to him like a moron and that only made things worse. Now, you're trying to run away and you need to fucking man up and deal with it. Killerbee is going to start fucking Gaara soon, if he hasn't already. You know this is going to emasculate you, so you think that if you stick your head in the sand, things will smooth themselves out and Gaara will come back to stroke your ego."

"Rot in hell, Sasuke."

"When the two of them fuck, Killerbee is going to replace your role as Gaara's guardian. You'll just be 'that one friend' in Gaara's world."

"What are you trying to get at with this psychobabble garbage?"

Sasuke, annoyed that this process was taking so long, kicked the door. "You're jealous."

"What the—Like hell I am!"

"You keep blathering about distancing yourself from Gaara, but you don't really want to."

"Yanno what, Sasuke? You should probably stop rimming ponies because this is the biggest pile of horseshit I've ever seen come out of your mouth. Not _once_ have you mentioned Tenten in all this, which is funny, considering she's my girlfriend. And what's wrong with wanting to have Gaara as a close friend?"

"Tenten is superfluous in this equation. This is simply between you and Gaara and Killerbee, a bit. How long have we been standing here? I'm kicking both their asses for this. And FYI, there's nothing wrong with wanting him to be a close friend. You have a tendency to overdo your friendship, though. Dial it down a notch. There's a reason why you only had two friends through all of high school."

Naruto punched the wall and faced Sasuke with an inferno burning in his eyes. Having old friends was treacherous because of moments like this. They always knew which buttons to push. "Not cool, man. Not cool. You know I hate it when you bring that up."

"The truth hurts." Sasuke kicked the door again. "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or whatever, but you seriously need to think things over and define some better boundaries between you and him."

"You're a real dick when you do this."

"Not apologizing." Sasuke looked him dead on. "You had sex with a guy who's now your friend. You're having trouble sorting through everything you feel because of it."

"I don't 'feel' anything! I know I slept with him, but I got over it and now I'm trying to live my life and then you bring it up out of the blue! You keep making this out to sound like I have some queer crush on him!"

Sasuke's face was emotionless, a blank slate. "I never said anything about a crush."

"Yes, you did! Now you're going to try to turn this on me—"

"Do you think you might have a crush on him, Naruto?"

"No, dammit! I love Tenten! I am not a faggot!" Naruto felt regret rip through his belly. Using that word now seemed so dirty. Before he'd befriended Gaara, he had thought nothing of it. "I'm going to beat the shit out of you once this is all over with. I don't feel anything for him."

"Nothing at all?" Sasuke snorted. "Not when he gave you that tender little kiss after you two had sex? Or when he was riding your cock and full of your cum? Not for a single second that you had your dick buried in him or were hanging out with him or were beating the hell out of people on his behalf? During all that time, you didn't feel anything?"

"The only thing I ever felt was friendship. And you better never question that again, you sadistic pig."

Finished with the topic for now, the sadistic pig withdrew a key ring from his pocket and began sorting through them. Eventually he came to one marked with the initials KB and inserted it into the lock.

"What's that?"

"Made a copy of his spare key." Sasuke jiggled his wrist. Stupid sticky lock.

"Are all those copies of spares?"

"Basically. One for everyone we know."

Naruto felt himself fuming. "Is that how you got into Gaara's house last night?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to go downstairs before I kill you."

"Okay."

Naruto stormed away and was halfway down the hall by the time Sasuke opened the door.

"…Wow."

"Wow what, you douche?"

Sasuke didn't say anything else and Naruto's curiosity bested him. He approached the door and froze in his place once he saw what Sasuke had seen.

Killerbee stood tall and proud over Gaara's bowed body, chin tucked close to his chest as her determinedly pounded into him. Heady waves of a musky aroma saturated the air and Gaara burst out a string of demands to increase the pleasure by going faster, pushing harder. Killerbee answered in turn in Persian. His hands were out of view of the unintentional voyeurs, clamped firmly around Gaara's hips to keep him steady. Gaara slaved at the head of the faucet, which groaned serious complaint at the unexpected stress it was currently victim to. Torso rippling and shifting as pain of prolonged stretching and Killerbee's will demanded it, the watchers could scarcely believe he could draw these sounds from his lungs that filled the apartment, pushing both his lungs and the ribcage that contained them to the limit.

Naruto gaped, rooted to the spot. Were those the same faces Gaara had made when they had slept together? Sighing disgustedly at himself, he hated that was the first thing he'd thought. Why had Sasuke insisted on bringing that stupid mess up? Nothing good would come of it.

After overcoming his initial shock, Sasuke decided that he didn't give a damn he was interrupting their session and stomped up to the duo that were so lost in their world they didn't notice him until he opened his mouth and started kvetching. "You! Get your dick out of him now! We're leaving!"

Killerbee almost jumped. "Have you no sense of privacy? I thought I locked that door."

"Sasuke, I will never cook for you again if you don't have a good reason for this." Gaara glowered balefully at the intruder. Could he not enjoy himself without getting thwarted?

Charging through the bush instead of attempting to beat around it haphazardly, Sasuke said, "Your cousin got shot. I called a doctor. He's fine now. For a guy that just got shot, I mean."

"What do you mean he got shot? The last time he was over I made him sign a contract so he couldn't do any of his 'special' work while he was living with me."

"I hired him for a job. Not that it's really your business. Go home and take care of him, he's getting on my nerves."

"It is my business, Sasuke! You probably used the fact that he likes you to get him to do it, didn't you?"

"His asking price was ridiculous. So, yes," Sasuke said without a smidgen of shame. When you wanted something, sometimes you had to use unfair tactics.

"Rot in hell."

"You know, you're the second person to tell me that within the last five minutes. You and Naruto can talk all about how much you want to kill me on the way there. I'm sure I can give you a minute to finish this thing." Sasuke folded his arms expectantly. "Well?"

"Let's go, Bee. I knew I shouldn't have left him alone with this guy."

Killerbee withdrew and leveled his gaze on Sasuke. "You, get out."

"Make sure you answer your phone next time."

"How bad is it?" Gaara asked.

"Missed the vitals, but lost a decent amount of blood. Kabuto put him on strict bed rest." Sasuke didn't really care if Gaara thought he was a monster. Yeah, he felt bad Sasori had gotten shot, but it wasn't like he was surprised. The guy knew the job might be dangerous. It was an occupational hazard as far as Sasuke was concerned.

"Don't ever hire him again, Sasuke."

There was a unanimous decision among three of the four members of the silent car ride to Gaara's house.

At the moment, there was no one they despised more than Sasuke.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara had never seen his cousin looking this frail. He was pale and still in the guest bed, breathing slow and even under the sheets. The mysterious doctor seemed to have hooked him up to an IV drip and there were several vials of pills sitting on the nightstand. He was almost afraid to speak up. What if Sasori never woke up? He never wanted to go to another funeral. It had been eleven years since the last one, but that was still too soon. He didn't even know the guy, a cousin of his dad he'd never met, but that didn't matter. Everything was incomparably dark and dreary at funerals. Standing there had made him feel like he was suffocating. That for someone who was a virtual stranger. If Sasori died, he'd be a complete wreck.

"Are you alright, Sasori?"

Sasori peeked out one eye. "Is Sasuke with you?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Stop texting me." Sasuke pocketed his cellphone after deleting yet another text from the mobster.

Deidara huffed when he saw the anthropologist. "Oh goody. Here to rub how much my boyfriend likes you in my face?"

"This is too much concentrated hate directed at me. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"I'm still beating the shit out of you later," Naruto grumbled under his breath.

"You beat him, the first thing I'm going to do when I get better is hunt you down and shoot you like a dog." Sasori jerked his head towards the sheets. "C'mere, Uchiha. You can lay in bed with me. I won't let anyone badmouth you."

"I don't want Sasuke in my house."

Sasori perked his eyebrow. "What the hell did you do to piss him off this much?"

"Mostly me hiring you. Also, I walked in on him getting fucked six ways to Sunday."

"No." Sasori grinned. "No way."

"Had him bent right over the kitchen sink. You should've heard the things coming out of his mouth."

"Nice!" Sasori gave a short laugh, wincing as the pain in his side flared up. "Don't let me keep you from your man. I know you've got to be fulfilled. Once you catch that jungle fever, it keeps on burnin'!"

"You two are terrible." Gaara blushed angrily. "You deserve each other."

"That's so sweet of you to say. I think that too." He turned to his ex and asked, "Could you make me something to eat? And bring me some water too. I need it to take these pills with."

"I'll do it, Sasori. All of you get out. I don't want you in my house right now. Bee, you can stay if you want. The rest of you need to leave, especially Sasuke."

"Sasuke saved my life, 'cuz. Without him, Doc K wouldn't fixed me up. Lay off him, alright?"

"Sasuke is why you got shot in the first place." Gaara glared at Deidara, who was still lingering by the bedside. "Didn't I tell you to get out? I can get his food and water for him."

"Whatever."

The room was empty save for the cousins and Gaara sat on the bed next to Sasori. "You have to stop this. I hate your job."

"I'll have you know that clock making is a noble art—"

"You know what I mean. Those who live by the sword die by the sword. You keep running around doing this crap without thinking of how me or your dad will feel when you turn up murdered."

"A guy takes a hit once in a while. Life sucks that way. No biggie."

"Yes, biggie! As much as I hate to admit it, you're my cousin and I care about you!"

"Shouldn't this be a lecture better suited for Kankuro, with all that Army crap he's embroiled in?"

"Kankuro doesn't break into warehouses with guns blazing!"

"You never know. I always thought he'd be good secret agent material. Give him a number, take away his name…"

"Sasori, I'm filleting my heart here. No more dangerous stuff."

"Gaara, you dear, sweet naïve child. That's not how it works. Once you're in, you don't leave until you're being carried to the morgue. I can't promise anything." Sasori closed his eyes. "Why is this so important?"

"When I graduated, I had a falling out with everyone. Dad, Temari, Kankuro… I'm scared to talk to them, Sasori. Temari always distanced herself from us and Kankuro only seems like he tolerates me because I'm keeping an eye on the house and I haven't talked to Dad in two years. You're all I've got."

"Do you even listen to your thoughts before you say them? No, that's a stupid question. You're going to have Thanksgiving with them and that is final. Try to patch things up." Sasori frowned at Gaara. "Look, I know it's hard. Doubly so for you because you dated girls seriously. You just have to remind them that you're here, you're queer, and you'd like to say hello because it's not going away. Your dad is a good guy and yeah, it put a strain on your relationship with him, but that doesn't really justify not talking to him for two years—Christ, you know how to hold a grudge. You don't have to have a heart to heart conversation with him."

"Wasn't planning on it. Here's how I came out: 'Dad, I'm gay.' 'Oh.' 'Yeah.' 'Are you sure?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, let me know if you change your mind.' He went right back to reading his stupid newspaper." The mere memory made him want to smash something. He didn't want his dad to explode or kick him out. He just wanted some sign that he cared one way or the other.

"You can't blame him. He's old school. You're lucky he didn't disown you on the spot."

"I think he was angrier at me breaking up with Matsuri than me coming out. I don't even know why he liked her so much. I guess he tried to understand. He would call and ask how I was doing and if I was still gay or not." The calls had frustrated him to the point where he finally cut all contact and settled for a cordial card during the holidays. "I guess I've punished them enough for my stupidity. I don't really want to go, but I suppose I have to."

"You'd do your mother proud, kiddo."

"Thanks for listening. Do you have your phone on you?"

Sasori pointed to the nightstand. "Letting them know?"

"Rewarding you as long as you promise to try to get out of the more dangerous assignments." Gaara went to the internet and typed in an address. "Here."

Sasori scrolled down the page and his grin stretched from ear to ear. "Love ya, cuz. You're my favorite. You really are. I'm so texting him this link. He's going to be so pissed."

On the screen was Sasuke's recent escapade with Neji, the younger man unconscious from the intensity of the session and Sasuke rutting away without a care in the world. Gaara could see the look on Sasuke's face already. A small victory, but it was enough to at least get back at him for interrupting him and Killerbee. The cousins shared a smile.

I0I0I0I0I

Laying in bed that night, Gaara thought of what he'd promised to do earlier and nudged his boyfriend. Should he get Killerbee roped into this? He had no idea what the other man had planned or if he even celebrated Thanksgiving. They were together, so he supposed it shouldn't matter. Moral support would be nice to have.

"Yes, Gaara?"

"I was thinking of visiting my family for Thanksgiving. Did you want to come with me?"

"I would be honored, inshallah."

"You and your fancy little words. My multilingual lover."

"If God wills it."

"Inshallah." Gaara let the word curve around his mouth, sampling it at every angle. "Forget God, I'm the one who's willing it. Insh-Gaara."

Killerbee laughed and kissed Gaara's fingertips. "Silly boy."

"Hey Bee?"

"Yes?"

"Could you teach me? How to speak another language, I mean."

"Well, I'm best in Farsi, so… If you don't mind that, I don't see why not. I'll get you started with the alphabet tomorrow." Killerbee brushed Gaara's hair out of his eyes.

"How do you say I love you?"

"Asheghetam."

Gaara broke it down carefully. "Asheghetam, Bee."

Twelve days until Thanksgiving. Gaara yawned and turned on the baby monitor that he'd bought earlier in case Sasori needed help. Twelve days for him to figure out what he wanted to say when he saw his dad. He felt optimistic about the outcome. And if nothing else, he had Killerbee and his friends to make him feel better. Speaking of which, he wondered why Naruto was so mad at Sasuke earlier. Sasuke had apparently sent Sasori a picture of himself with a black eye, which meant Naruto had followed through on his promise. It had taken all his strength to keep Sasori in bed after he'd gotten that. Whatever Sasuke had done, it must've been serious. Fine by him.

He was thinking of inviting him to dinner at his restaurant anyway. They could talk all about it then.

0o0

Oh god. I just saw Shippuden 194. It's official: the writing staff is full of SasuNaruSasu fangirls/boys. No seriously, you know how many times I've seen 'that' fanfic? And now it's canon, Christ. *facepalm* Why must you torture us, Kishi? Why can't Gaara and Naruto have an accidental kiss? Hell, he's already had two with Sasuke. It's only a step up from the practical declarations of love he's been spouting lately. Why not go the full mile and go for an on purpose one? Gaara could be the first canonly gay char in the series. This train is getting derailed anyway. Transsexual armadillos, plots involving the moon, furry!Naruto, kitty ears, and Konan being too badass for the series. Oy vey.

Anyway, I hope you all have been well and all that good stuff. Thanks for reading, as always. (Wow, I totally missed out on my 6th fanfiction anniversary. It feels like I just had the 5th one a couple months ago.)

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	15. Side Story: Billy Boys

Broke Straight Guys

**Recommendations:**

_Judge and Jury_ by FanggirlX (The pace is pleasantly brisk, it has some nice dialogue, and so far, it's better than the usual 'extrovert Naruto meets goth Gaara' stories that populate the highschool!AUverse of the fandom.)

Okay, so chapter eleven wasn't working out. I was trying to put _way_ too much stuff in it. (Halfway tying up a minor storyline, introducing a new character, getting some resolution in the Haku thing, plus the 'dinner date' between Naruto and Gaara.) Too much shit for a single chapter to handle.

So you get that double update I promised a few chapters back!

0o0

Side Story: Billy Boys

0o0

Short beeps emanated from the phone's speaker as he carefully dialed. It had been some time since he'd transferred the number from his arm to the Post-It note that had been attached to his computer screen for far too long. Ignoring the bright orange paper was no longer possible. Today would be the day he went through with it. But for real, this time. Twelve times he had tried to make the call before and twelve times he had failed to finish the simple act of not hanging up before he finished typing the number. Deep down in his heart, he knew that this was wrong. In a way, he would even go so far as to call it out-and-out evil. A necessary evil, if his friend was to be believed. He didn't think it was so necessary. Subterfuge and trickery wasn't part of his nature. Every fiber of his morality screamed at him to forget all of this and man up.

But he couldn't.

Udon couldn't lose the friend that was so precious to him. Technically there were always the guys from swim and Moegi, but this was a horse of a different color. He had been friends with Konohamaru for going on seven years now. He had to stick it out until the bitter end. Giving up on their friendship now seemed perverted when they had been through so much already. What was one more morally ambiguous bump in the road? Friends helped each other do anything, even if it was something as terrible as this. Besides, Konohamaru had been getting on his case about it lately and he didn't want to disappoint him.

So he dialed the last six and waited for the tone.

_Riiinngggg…._

_Rinnnggg…_

_Riinn—_

"_Hello? Who's calling?"_

"Hi, Mr. Gaara. It's Udon." He paused, looking at the clock-radio on his bedside table. The numbers on the screen flashed green on the black background. Resetting it should be the first thing he did when he got home. No sense in having something that didn't fulfill its intended purpose. "I was wondering about that thing I mentioned the last time we talked and if you could help me with it."

"_Right, right. I should've called you sooner. Hey Bee, I'm going out in a bit. I'd like you to finish too, but I don't want to keep him waiting. Be quick. Mmph, right there."_

"Is this a bad time to be calling?" Awkward wouldn't even begin to describe what this situation would be if Gaara and Killerbee were doing what he thought they were doing.

"_No, you're alright. Bee and I were just—no, I'm not. Udon, from the gym. No, I'm not having an illicit love affair with a minor. You dope. I love you too."_

Udon wasn't sure how much longer he could stay on the line with them being lovey-dovey. He desperately wanted to scream that it was a setup. "Are you sure this is okay with you? I mean, if you're busy, then—"

"_No, this is a good day. Do you want me to pick you up?"_

"I was going to take the bus… I've got a pass, so it's no big deal."

"_The salon is on Fourth Street. I'll be there in about twenty minutes."_

"Okay… I guess I'll meet you there." He hung up without bidding Gaara goodbye and speed-dialed the second call of the day he needed to make.

"Konohamaru? Yeah, he said he'd meet me. Do you have a pen and paper nearby?"

I0I0I0I0I

Much as Gaara hated to cut off the royal treatment he'd been receiving, it seemed that this was something that had to be addressed. He'd gotten back from his class and Killerbee had insisted on laying him down in the middle of the plush living room carpet, ushering him out of his shirt, and performing a thorough, but tame, massage on him. For someone who wasn't trained as a masseur, he was doing an admirable job. Sometimes he was a bit unnecessarily rough, but the intimacy was nice enough for him to forgive and forget the mistakes.

He rolled over and sat up, addressing his significant other tiredly. "I'll be back soon. This shouldn't take too long."

"Since when did you and Udon get close?" inquired Killerbee as he gathered up the supplies he had brought to assist in the massage. "You never talk at the gym."

"We're not, to be honest. He wants me to 'teach him' how to be gay." The whole notion still seemed completely ridiculous as it had the day those words came out of the teen's mouth. Homosexuality was innate. There were no lessons to be taught, no minimum standard of what 'gay' looked or acted or sounded like. People were diverse enough already and to assume they suddenly weren't because they had an atypical orientation just seemed stupid. The day he or—god forbid, Killerbee—started spontaneously bursting into show tunes and tearing someone a new one for having poor fashion sense would be the day that he gave up being a human being and start considering himself to be the mythical gaybeast that conservatives feared so much. Maybe he was a fairy, but that didn't mean that he shot glitter out his ass and pranced around with a rainbow trailing behind him wherever he went. "Sometimes I wonder if kids think about what they say before they say it. Does he even know what he's going to have to deal with?"

"Kids? He's not so much younger than you. Or are you an old man at heart?"

"Says the man who admitted that he likes the thought of going to bed in the afternoon."

"You don't?"

"No, Grandpa." Gaara rolled his eyes. Killerbee was a dork, but he was his dork.

The brawny man feigned shock and stole a kiss from his boyfriend. "So, does that mean you're into older men?"

"Maybe."

"Should I come along?"

Gaara thought about it. The two of them had been practically joined at the hip as of late. To be honest, he couldn't remember the last time he'd gone to bed alone. Sai had never afforded him that closeness, nor did any other of his exes. As far as they were concerned, if it didn't end up with sex they didn't want any of it. Gaining intimacy—without ulterior motives—was a rather new experience as far as dating men went. There had been a few times with Matsuri, usually some sort of kissing, which he was spectacularly bad at during those years. He still gave her the evil eye when she called him 'Fish Lips.' Fortunately with age came experience and Killerbee was more than happy to help him practice. But maybe they were too close. Didn't overdoing it early on mean that the relationship would just stagnate and fizzle out sooner? They had to have a healthy, but passionate relationship. He would have to consider how to maintain this balance.

"No, you can stay home and study. You've got a test coming up soon, don't you?"

"That's true."

"I'll be back soon."

"No need to hurry. Take your time and be as thorough as you need to be. Udon's lucky to have someone help him out in this kind of situation. Wish I'd had that."

"What I want to know is why he asked me, of all people. You seem like you would be a better choice."

"I'm sure it's because you're much sweeter than me." Shameless flattery, topped off with a kiss to Gaara's fingertips.

"Bee…"

"Gaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy…" groaned Sasori from the kitchen. Sitting in the kitchen to eat his cereal was supposed to be a nice respite from laying in bed doing nothing all day. His cousin hadn't even had the decency to put a TV in the room. What was he supposed to do? True, real life could be a soap opera, but watching this was like reading a bad romance novel written by some Shakespeare-humping middle-aged bat. Yes, he hated the self-devouring snake of a relationship he and Deidara had been in for so long, but at least it was never _boring_. "Why are you two so fucking gay?"

"You're one to talk," replied Gaara flatly.

"'Cuz, there's gay and then there's _gay_. You, right now, are being _gay_. Stop it. You've got a boyfriend who's built like a fuckin' linebacker and _this_ is what you do? Why aren't you cheering him on while he stomps some asshole's head in at some shady bar?"

"Why, is that what you and Deidara did?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. As much as I don't want to talk about that indecisive blight on the earth right now, we had some good times. All the bar fights and the random street brawls—I'm tellin' ya, that shit comes out of nowhere sometimes—and the most romantic thing we ever did together was a time when we were collectin' on a big debt. We took the poor schmuck out to the lake, spread out the tarp together under the moon while the dude's a sobbin' mess in the trunk. He was tied up good, so we didn't have to worry about him running away or anything. Tell ya the truth, the three of us just laid there for a while, lookin' at the stars and shit. Of course, the dude had to ruin it by begging for mercy and we had to do the whole 'pay us, motherfucker' spiel and he said he'd have the money in five days. So then I cut off his ear, to make sure he wouldn't go back on his word. Screamed like a pansy while I was doing it, but gags are wonderful things, so it wasn't a problem. I had some floss in my pocket, yanno 'cause sometimes you need that stuff, and I threaded the ear onto the floss and made a necklace out of it and gave it to Dei. He was all 'I love you' and I was all 'I love you too, bitch'. We were gonna make out, but the guy was bleeding all over, so we had to wrap him in the tarp and put him back in the trunk and drop him off by his house. Me and Dei went home, cleaned up, and had fuckin' awesome sex."

Vacant, moderately horrified stares met the termination of his tale. When he told that story to his criminal colleagues, he was congratulated and they would regale him with similar experiences. But this is what he got for trying to talk to nine-to-fivers. Normal people sure were boring.

Killerbee was the first to recover. "I think I'm technically legally bound to report this if I don't want to be charged as an accessory."

"Try it. I dare you. I don't care if you are my cousin's boyfriend, I'll blast your freakin' head to smithereens right now." From his waistband he drew a .357 Magnum Ruger Blackhawk and leveled it at the boxer. As if he would stop carrying a gun because he was recovering. He always saved one bullet in preparation of any situations that may arise. "Convince your boy to reconsider, Gaara. I don't want to see you cry needlessly."

"Don't bother, Bee. He'll kill you." There was no ifs ands or buts about it.

Taking the resigned sigh as surrender, Sasori set his pistol to the side and resumed eating his cereal. "So, what's this about you teaching some kid to be gay?"

"None of your business."

"Here's how I'd do it. 'Step One: Find the butchest motherfucker on your block. Step Two: Make him your bitch. Step Three: Repeat as necessary.' Better yet, I could teach him a thing or two about how to bring the men to their knees. Every straight man within a sixteen block radius will clench their cheeks in fear when he shows up. No pupil of mine will be just 'gay'. They will be _The_ Gay."

"Truly you are a shining example of what our community could be and a role model to all." Thank god he would never reproduce.

"I know, right?"

"Get back in bed, Sasori. If you don't I'll make sure Sasuke doesn't come here for a week."

"You can't!" Sasori exclaimed indignantly. "I'm still extracting my payment from him. You get in the way of that and this bullet will've been for nothing!"

"You're the one who decides it in the end." Jabbing the buttons of this phone with deft movements of his finger, he kept a dead lock on his cousin as he dialed the number. His thumb slid over the smooth 'call' button and pressed the speaker to his ear. "You know he's only coming around out of obligation in the first place."

"I'm tired of being in bed. All I do is lay around and do nothing!"

"You're recovering. The doctor told you to stay in bed and work up to walking around."

"Can I at least have a magazine or something?"

"I don't have any subscriptions." Bringing up his fap mags were out of the question. Family or not, there were some things you didn't share.

"How about a book? I mean shit, I don't really like reading, but you gotta give me something to work with."

"Dad might have some books in the junk closet. Or the attic. But he only reads books on military history and I have to go talk to this kid, so I don't really have time to go digging around for them."

"Gaara, go ahead. I'll keep an eye on him," Killerbee assured him.

"Don't answer the door if it's Deidara."

"I won't."

Gaara gathered his things and got into his car.

I0I0I0I0I

Hair fell in short clumps around Udon as the thin man trimmed his hair. Mustering the nerve to say more than 'hi' to Gaara was impossible. He was sure he'd throw up from the nervousness. Luckily, the masseur had refrained from asking any questions so far and was currently watching the salon's flat screen. The stylist hadn't talked to him much either, except for offhandedly mentioning that he had a nephew his age. Fine by him.

"You a hipster?"

"No." That was a strange question, to say the least. "Why?"

Kimimaro tilted his client's head to the side slightly. "The glasses. They scream 'hipster' to me. We get a couple of them in here once in a while, always talking about bands no one's ever heard of. There's probably a good reason for that, you know."

Udon felt his lips twitch slightly and his nerves settled a minute degree. Conversation could distract his mind for a while, help him forget the terrible thing he was allowing Konohamaru to do. "Maybe they're really good… and just don't want a record company deal."

"I don't get that. Seems silly to not get paid doing what you love."

"Artistic integrity?"

"If you sign with a good company, that shouldn't be a problem, right?"

"I don't really know how the music business works."

"Do you play any instruments? You strike me as a bassist. How short do you want this?"

Once upon a time he had wanted to play an instrument, but money said no and that was the end. "It's up to you. I don't care how you cut it."

"I have to warn you that you might have to invest in a strong belt so the ladies don't sex you up in the streets."

"I'm not that popular with girls." They talked to him because he was an athlete, but he found he could never relate to them the way his teammates could. A lack of common interests seemed to be the foundation of the problem. He didn't watch television because he thought it was a waste of time and his favorite types of music would hit the Top Forty a day after never. Whenever he got into a conversation with a girl, they always ended up talking about homework. "I was always lacking in that department."

"Not for much longer."

"I've only had one girlfriend and she was my friend. It was kinda weird, so we decided to be just friends again. We didn't even kiss or anything." Moegi was a great friend, but trying to think of her as anything more than that caused many a sleepless night when they were an item.

"You've got your whole life to find someone for you. Don't worry. It just takes time."

"There is… someone I like." Why could he confess that so easily to a total stranger? It boggled the mind. "But they don't like me that way. We're just friends too."

"What's his name?" Kimimaro felt the boy tense up under him. "You don't have to tell me."

"How did you even know?"

"Well, if someone's not trying to evasive about their interest, they usually specify a gender. 'I like him, but he's dating someone else'. 'I want to ask her out, but I'm scared.' Stuff like that." Kimimaro gave a flourishing spritz of hair product that fell in a pleasantly scented rain around Udon.

Udon wondered if they were almost done. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Not a problem. Do you want the mirror? We're finished."

Udon accepted the mirror and gawked at his reflection. For once, he felt like he actually looked his age. Usually he fluctuated between clean shaven for swim season and his regular home cut. But this was a pleasant difference. He paid for the service and returned to Gaara. Time to deal with the most troublesome part of the mission.

I0I0I0I0I

"You're going home for the holiday, right?"

Naruto looked up from the sandwich he was hastily constructing before he ran off to work. "Yeah. Did you want to come again this year?"

"No." Sasuke turned a page in his textbook. "I was going to go see my parents."

"S'cool."

A moment passed in consideration of Naruto's pride before Sasuke asked, "Do you—"

"No."

I0I0I0I0I

Cool air brushed past Udon's newly rediscovered ears as he twiddled his thumbs. Gaara sat by him expectantly, watching the passing cars. The two of them had yet to speak about the matter that had brought them together. Dread clutched Udon's vocal chords, robbing him of his voice. Words couldn't begin to express the things he felt. They were deep, far-reaching emotions and none of them the pretty, good sort. All of it was more suited to the netherworlds of human feelings: sorrow, anger, shame, and an unnamed sickness that festered in his innards that devoured any good thing he had the audacity to feel without its express permission. Happiness was a joke. There was always someone worse off, but it was hard to acknowledge that when misery had leeched at him until there was nothing left of his former self left. Come to think of it, this nasty business had started when he had fallen into that great and terrible thing known as love.

Whoever said love was a many splendored thing deserved to be thrown into a pit of vipers.

Obviously frustrated at the lack of progression, Gaara finally asked, "How long have you felt this way?"

Udon spent half a minute clearing his throat and spoke softly. "It's a recent thing. The last five months or so. It's weird. I know I haven't always felt this way. I thought I was going to grow up and find some girl to marry and that would be it."

"Have you done anything to act on these feelings yet?" Figuring he should be more explicit at what he meant by that, Gaara continued with, "Telling a guy you've got a crush on him. Kissing, going on dates, things like that."

" I can't."

"Conservative parents?"

"No. I don't think Mom cares as long as I'm happy and successful." Disappointing as his failure to live up to those simple expectations was, he had given up on seeking pleasure from life. Short of a miracle, there was no possible means to get the one thing that could bring him happiness.

"Classmates?"

"It would be awkward since I'm in swim. I think they would look at me differently. But they're good people."

"And Konohamaru?"

Udon bit his lip. "You already… know the answer to that one."

"Yeah."

For a moment, Udon saw the man who was so blissfully in love and content with life falter. There was no doubt that he got harassed at work. Konohamaru had told him of a few of the 'best' moments involving the man. Some traitorous part of him wished that Konohamaru would get fired and force him to find a new job in a new environment, one without any gays to bully. To imagine this man trying to live his life normally getting bullied by some teenage punk was troubling and that anonymous illness swelled up, impregnating him with raw grief.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't continue this façade. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Gaara."

"Don't be sorry. If this is who you are—"

"Not that." Udon felt his throat burn with the poisonous truth and the words came out garbled. "It's a trap. This was all a trap."

Aura indicating a sense of betrayal, Gaara growled out, "What do you mean by 'trap'?"

"I didn't want to, but—" Udon's voice faltered. "Your car. We might not be too late."

Gaara was off in a flash, sprinting like he'd never sprinted before. Legs turned to jelly, Udon followed the man to the secluded corner where Gaara had parked the yellow Beetle. Flames twisted from the vehicle's body in sinuous tongues, the lemon paint job turning a scorched black. The aroma of gasoline hung oppressively over the scene. Glass from the bashed in windows littered the ground in a jagged array. The car itself sat lower to the ground now that its tires were slashed to ribbons. Smoke belched from the interior of the car in acrid clouds. Over the sound of the inferno and the blood rushing through his veins, Udon could barely hear his wretched sobs for forgiveness.

What a vile excuse for a human he was.

I0I0I0I0I

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

Udon wrapped his arms around himself protectively, not daring to meet the thug's eyes. He had no reason. Nothing could excuse this crime. "I couldn't say no. I didn't want to lose my friend."

"Udon, your lie might be putting you in jail for quite a while," Killerbee said gravely. "Do you understand how serious this is?"

"I can't say no when it comes to him. I…" He felt sick and dirty, the filth of the earth sitting in the living room of the man he had wronged. "I love him."

Sasori let out a low whistle of admiration. "Damn. So you knew that the guy you loved was gonna turn my 'cuz's car into the Towering Inferno? And you said yes? You've got some balls. Shame I'll be cutting them off in a moment."

At least that would be a start to his penance. "He only said he was going to do something. I thought he would just key it. Break a mirror at the worst."

"Depending on what Gaara tells the officers, you might be getting off scot-free." Given that Gaara had taken the time to send Udon away before the police arrived indicated that the likelihood of that was pretty high, or so Killerbee figured.

"Is Konohamaru going to go to jail?"

"Again, it all depends on Gaara. But I would seriously consider finding someone new to love. Someone who _deserves_ your dedication." Killerbee muttered curses in his primary tongue and Udon felt himself shrinking back into the seat. "By the way, I'm going to have you banned from the gym for a month. I don't want to see or hear from you before then unless it's an emergency."

"Take some time off to figure out what you want to do with your life. You seriously need to evaluate your life decisions. I'll admit I'm no stranger to the law, but I'm willing to put my neck on the line to do what I want. Prison is underrated, in my opinion. Yeah, the macho men will beat the shit out of you if you were gay before you got locked up and there's always the chance that you might piss off some gang without realizing it, but you get a free gym membership and three square meals a day until your release date. But that's just me." Sasori shrugged. "I haven't had the honor of doing hard time yet. Maybe it is a living hell and I'm sellin' you a gold-plated turd. What I'm trying to get at is that I'm a criminal because I enjoy it. You just got your first taste of deviant behavior and I don't think you feel the same."

That was true enough. Nothing worthwhile had come out of this venture. Konohamaru didn't love him any more for his assistance. He was going to be stuck in the friend zone for all time, even if he had tarred and feathered Gaara on the spot and dragged him around town to be ridiculed by the public. Perhaps it was time to move on and forget this crush, unhealthy as it was. Surely there was someone out there who could love and accept him for who he was.

There was someone for everyone, right? One special person meant for him and him alone. Everyone hyped the notion, so there had to be some grains of truth in the bright-eyed idealism.

Who was he trying to kid? There wasn't anyone made for him. He didn't particularly want to settle for someone either. Then again, he didn't have much to offer. He was a good enough swimmer and athlete in general, but he was undeniably a loser to his core. How could he deny that? All the gay guys he'd seen were all into fashion and cinema. He had a stack of comic books that could reach his ceiling eight times over and took pleasure in the simplicity of quadratic equations. How could those worlds possibly connect?

Killerbee closed his hand into a tight fist and Udon knew Killerbee longed to sink that meaty hand into his face. "I am extremely disappointed in you. But I have a friend who you might like to talk to. She runs an LGBTQ club for kids your age. You don't have to go, but I think it would be nice for you to build some more connections."

Udon didn't particularly feel like making any new friends, but he took the business card anyway. He left the house, movements jerky and wooden as he searched for the nearest bus stop. This whole day could have been prevented but he had done nothing but enable Konohamaru to wreak havoc. He might as well have torched the car himself.

After a few moments, he realized someone was walking behind him. Probably on their way to their evening job. Or the store. Or any place, really. Undoubtedly they were having a better day than he was. In fact, he would dare to go so far as to say they were enjoying a better life than he was. They would go on and hit up the store, pick up some milk and a loaf of bread, then make a sandwich when they got home. Plain, simple, mundane. Not like allowing a raging teenager to smash up a car. What a lucky fellow this person behind him must be.

"Hey kid. I wanna talk to you."

Udon looked back briefly and continued on. There were no other kids around here, so he figured the stranger must be talking to him. Right now wasn't exactly a prime time to strike up a conversation, what with the whole realization that Konohamaru would never love him, there was no reason to expect that anyone would, and that he was going to die alone and unwanted.

"So, your shitty little friend destroyed that car pretty well, didn't he?"

How had the news gotten out that quickly? Udon turned around and met a smiling face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Lying to protect the person you love, I see. I like that. Do you often use deceit to get your way?" Not for a second did that smile falter.

"You're crazy."

"Normally I'd congratulate you and let you off the hook, but…" The smile grew wider, slashing from ear to ear. "I'm afraid that you picked the wrong person to harass."

The first blow knocked him out stone cold.

I0I0I0I0I

Mom had been worried when he'd dragged himself through the front door. She had made him a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, his favorite meal for when he was worrying. He couldn't really eat it because of how sore his jaw was, but the thought was what counted. Maybe he should take a break from school for a while. He didn't exactly want to go there looking like this once word got out about his and Konohamaru's misdeeds. Besides, taking notes when one eye was swollen shut would be a real pain. He pressed his hand on his ribs and hissed. Nothing more than a bruise, but still painful. He deserved this for his role in totaling the car. This was karma telling him how stupid and pathetic he had been. No wonder Konohamaru would never want him. A real friend would have cut off this ridiculous scheme the moment it was proposed. He had failed his role like he had failed in everything else.

Udon's eyes went to the swimming trophies and medals gathered neatly on a shelf by his closet. Pointless vainglory in cheap metal and plastic, all marking a so-called great achievement. None of this would mean anything once he graduated. He sighed and his ribs ached again.

Aching from head to toe, he shuffled to the bathroom and looked through the medicine cabinet. There they were, on the second shelf. An end to this pain. He took the bottle of pills and unscrewed the top with shaking hands. Mom wanted to take him to the hospital to make sure he didn't have any internal injuries, but he said they could do that tomorrow. Maybe he would've had better painkillers if he had gone now, but their insurance wouldn't cover whatever expenses were heaped upon them there. He dumped the pills into one hand, returned the bottle to its rightful place, and turned on the sink. He really hated swallowing pills. They always got stuck in his throat and bugged the ever-living daylights out of him for hours because he took them dry. Today he wanted this to go smoothly. He stuck his mouth into the stream pouring from the faucet and sucked up a mouthful of water, then placed the pills into his mouth one at a time before swallowing the mix. Relief would come soon.

Mom was out, heading off to her second job. No one to disturb him. He went back into his bedroom and laid down on his bed. He thought about changing into his pajamas, but he was so tired that he didn't bother. For a moment, his eyes wandered to the picture on his bedside table. It was taken the day when he, Konohamaru, and Moegi went to Six Flags and spent the entire day there. There were no frowns, no doubts. Not an ounce of unhappiness weighed on the shoulders of any of those faces. Exhilaration and joy radiated from them in warm waves. When had he last been the person in that picture? Why couldn't they have had more days like that?

Udon got back out of bed, turned the picture away from him, reset the clock, and laid down once more.

Now he was going to rest.

0o0

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	16. Can Be Had

Broke Straight Guys

Hey guys, have you seen my new Weekly Updates thing on my bio page? It's pretty nifty. It talks about everything I'll be working on that week so you can get a feel for what's up next. Less guesswork, more fun.

This chapter is more of a breather. There was going to be a bunch of drama, but after the last one, I thought that perhaps we needed a bit of a break to calm things down. So kick your feet up and relax a bit and have part two of the Double Update spectacular.

0o0

Can Be Had

0o0

All doors should be push open doors. Pull doors were such a waste. Besides, god knows how many times some poor sucker got caught on the wrong side of a pull-open door. Of course, he was thinking this purely from an architecturally convenient point of view, not because he was looking like a complete moron trying to push on a pull-open door. The doorwoman was giggling at him. He could see her through the glass panels. Cheeks burning in shame, Naruto finally managed to correctly operate the door and strolled inside.

He paused in the small space between the outside world and the 'true' entrance of the restaurant to take a breath. Sasuke's theories weren't going to get to him. This was a meal between two friends and nothing more. Actually, with how Sasuke speculated, he was beginning to get suspicious that this was an elaborate cover-up for his roommate's _real_ sexuality. What kind of guy watched gay porn, much less gay porn with a friend in it? Come to think of it, hadn't Sasuke said he never had watched any of the Broke Straight Guys videos except for that one? Thus, Sasuke watched it because he was in it. Or because Gaara was in it. Plus Sasuke had that thing for redheads and he'd said that if he had to go gay, he'd go for Gaara. Additionally, there had been a lack of women brought back to the apartment lately when there used to be a different pretty face every night. And Sasuke _also_ liked that fruity Seagram's Escape crap he'd been wasting fridge space with the last couple of weeks. The answer right now was clear.

Sasuke was gay for Gaara and throwing up an elaborate smokescreen to avoid being outed.

Everything in the history of time made sense now, forever and all eternity.

Except it was all complete bullshit. Those Escapes were pretty tasty and Sasuke had been busy with school, even though he rarely acted like it. Besides, he was still sore over that one girl he had dated back in high school. Redheads were hot, period. And to be honest, Naruto thought glumly, he had watched one of Sasuke's videos too. Words defied the experience of what Sasuke had done in front of that camera. It was about as close to hate sex as Naruto would ever get. Sasuke obviously didn't like it, but he was damned good at it.

Even so, he wasn't gay and he didn't have a crush on Gaara. He was certain of that. Tenten was all he wanted in a lover. Lately he'd been thinking about asking her if they wanted to get an apartment together. That seemed like the next logical step in this equation. She could be the one.

Once he finished gathering his nerves, he entered the restaurant and greeted the doorwoman. "I'm here to see Gaara."

"Boyfriend?" inquired the girl, slipping her copy of Entertainment Weekly out of sight.

Must everyone Gaara knew assume that? "No, no. I'm not gay. We're just friends. He said he would be here."

"Just a minute." The girl picked up the phone, pushed a key and waited for a second. "Hey Anna. No. Yes. Yes. I know, right? So bogus. Could you put that orange-haired guy on? Yeah, I'll wait."

Who the hell was she talking to, Naruto had to wonder. How was this related to Gaara?

"Hey you. You're the person I'm supposed to call when this kind of thing comes up, right? Yep. Code Flange. Okay. See you in a minute," the girl said brightly. "You should probably get out of here. The boss has us under strict orders to not allow any men who come looking for Gaara to enter the restaurant. Yanno, 'cause you're stalking him and all."

"What." Did he _look_ anything like that jackass who had ruined a part of Gaara's life?

"You've got like, forty seconds before Pein comes out here and kills you. So, I would recommend going. Now."

"But I'm not stalking him!"

"I know, sometimes it doesn't seem like stalking, but the law is the law. Don't worry. I got a restraining order once. See, I was visiting Hollywood on vacation and I mean, Brad Pitt's house was like _right there_. Who wouldn't try to catch a peek?"

"What?" Was she… trying to empathize with someone she believed to be a stalker?

"But I mean, it was basically a slap on the wrist. You wouldn't believe how many stalkers celebrities have. It's crazy. Not that I'm trying to be nice to you or anything. I heard you did some pretty terrible things to Gaara and he's my GBFL, so you're not getting away with that on my watch."

"GBFL? And who's—"

"Get. Out."

A man built like a house with a face full of piercings arrived on the scene. In his hand was a dicing knife that still had bits of lettuce attached to the blade. At that moment in time, Naruto had a distinct fear that he was about to need a new pair of pants. Sure, he was pretty big himself, but this guy looked like he could take on Killerbee in a fair fight and win—a TKO undoubtedly—without breaking a sweat. That was prison muscle. Fear of being murdered wrestled with the fear of being made the man's prison bitch on the spot. Being dead was bad and all, but having a monster cock splitting him in half on the floor wasn't exactly his idea of a good time either. That being considered, he still had an angry ex-convict staring him down.

Brawn wouldn't work here. Negotiation time. "This is really a big misunderstanding. I mean, I don't know if you've seen any pictures of the guy who stalks Gaara, but we couldn't look more different. I swear I'm just a friend."

"If you intend to continue harassing the staff, I'm going to be forced to remove you from the premises." The knife glinted brightly in his grasp.

"I'm just a friendpleasedontstabme." Where the heck was Gaara in all of this? He was the one who invited him. "Gaara! Gaara!"

_Thwap._

The sound echoed through the tense room. The tall man turned his head to see who had dared to assault him. Gaara lowered his hand, returning the menu he'd used as an impromptu weapon to the stack he had tucked under his other arm.

"Jesus. I am not in the mood for this shit right now. Can't I get some menus without things turning into a disaster?" He returned to the desk and set down the menu pile before standing in front of Pein with his hand outstretched. "Pein, give me the knife."

"No."

Gaara grabbed him by the front of his uniform and yanked his head down so the two were at eye level. "So help me god if you don't give me that fucking knife…"

Whatever Gaara whispered into the chef's ear was convincing enough to make him surrender the blade without further fuss. Naruto quietly adjusted his testicles to make sure they were still there. They were, but they _had_ to be significantly smaller than Gaara's at the moment.

"Get back in the kitchen."

Naruto couldn't recall ever seeing such an utterly terrifying expression on a human being since the time he watched The Shining. For some reason he felt the need to exhibit some display of fealty to Gaara so the guy wouldn't straight-up murder him after he ripped out Pein's throat and began his rampage of euphoric evisceration. Fool that he was, Pein had the nerve to scoff at the younger man. Gaara's face got scarier. Even the hostess who had been blissfully filing her nails through this whole ordeal paused, set down her file, and backed out of the room slowly. Naruto had no idea why Pein was not slavishly throwing himself at this man's feet and begging for mercy. Why wasn't _he_ doing that? Gaara could make him his bitch right now and he would say nothing except for 'thank you sir, please don't kill me', butthole integrity be damned!

Then he contemplated how gay that sounded and seized back that thought and locked it away to never be brought up again. He was bleeding manly points today. He'd have to stop a secret terrorist cell with nothing but an onion and a watch to make up for all the ones he'd lost.

Gaara repeated himself slowly and firmly. "Get back in the kitchen, Pein."

"I need my knife to make tonight's salads."

"You can have it back when you're there. Come on."

Gaara promptly escorted Pein back to the kitchen where he belonged and returned to Naruto to get them a booth. There was an uncomfortable few moments between the two of them as Naruto checked the table to ensure there was nothing with which Gaara could stab him. Fortunately, their silverware was still wrapped up and he seemed to be in the clear for now.

"What did you say to him?" he asked, still curious to know what got the man to turn over the knife.

"Nothing." Gaara opened his menu and began scanning the options. "Hurry up and choose something."

Naruto slid the other menu towards himself and looked for the best-sounding meal he could afford. "Do you want an appetizer?"

"I don't give a fuck. Go wild." Gaara laid down his menu and rested his head on the table.

"Are you… alright?"

"Sure, if you consider wanting to kill everything that crosses my path alright."

Naruto was sorry he asked. "What happened?"

A woman in uniform approached the table. "Hey, my name is Savannah and I'll be your waitress tonight! Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Gimmie a raspberry lemonade." Gaara didn't bother to lift his head from the table.

"Dos Equis would be nice. And a Pick Three appetizer. Um…" So many of the choices sounded delicious. It was difficult to settle on just three. "Traditional wings with classic buffalo sauce, mozzarella sticks, and potato skins."

"I'll be back momentarily with your drinks."

"Seriously, what's eating you?" Naruto asked as soon as she was out of sight.

Gaara wished that he had not made a promise to himself to never drink again. A beer would be wonderful right now. "Nothing much. It's just that yesterday, that bastard child Konohamaru set my car on fire."

"Say what?"

"God forbid he should stop there! My tires were slashed, all of my windows were broken, and apparently he took the liberty of shitting in the driver's seat. My insurance agent said it was so damaged that she was going to declare it a total loss. They did get me a paid week of rentals, so at least I'll be able to go see my family for Thanksgiving, but I'll have to buy a new car soon."

Naruto was floored. That wasn't the kid he'd known before. Anger problems had been developing since his parents had gotten the divorce and he was pretty homophobic, but to do this seemed outrageous. "You're kidding."

"No. He even admitted to it when they arrested him last night."

"Christ."

Drinks came with the promise of soon to arrive appetizers. Both men placed their orders and drank quietly, thinking about their respective concerns. What Naruto wanted to know most was what had gotten in Konohamaru's head to make him do this. He used to be such a good kid. Rambunctious, perhaps. But still good at heart. Naruto supposed that it could have easily been ten times worse. For instance, Gaara could have been _in_ the car at the time. The realization made him feel like he had been punched in the gut. He was lucky to have his friend capable of the simple act of sitting across from him right now. This was not something to be taken lightly. Silence filled the gap between them and Naruto could feel nothing but gratefulness that Gaara was here. The appetizers arrived.

Halfway through the appetizer platter was when they finally spoke again.

"Tell me something good, please. I can't stand to hear any more problems right now."

Seeing as how heavy the mood had gotten, this was nothing but a relief. "I was thinking of asking Tenten if she wants to get an apartment together. That's good, I guess."

"Congratulations to the both of you. I'm surprised Tenten has been with you this long. She's more of a one night stand kind of girl." Gaara pushed a cheese stick past his lips and bit it in half, letting the gooey cheese drag out until the connection snapped.

Naruto felt a little honored. He hadn't gotten that vibe from her, so it was a pleasant surprise. "She's so fun to be around. I mean it's like, how could I be with anyone else?"

"That's great." A faint smile.

"Oh, that reminds me, Kiba is selling his old truck. I don't know if you're interested, but I could probably get you a pretty good deal."

"What am I going to do with a truck?"

"Move lots of stuff."

"More like pay lots on gas."

"You have a point there. He's always bitching about how he never drives it because it costs like seventy bucks to fill up."

"I miss my car. We had some good times." Wistful nostalgia filled his voice, though the car had only been gone a day so far.

"'Good times'. So that's what you call it."

"I refuse to dignify that with a response."

Naruto paused, wondering where he should take the conversation. What was one thing that always managed to make people happy to talk about? "Did you ever have any pets growing up?"

"No. Well, kinda. My brother and I begged my dad for a dog when we were kids, but he ran away a week after we got him and got hit by a car. Dad says we weren't holding the leash tight enough and he didn't get us another one."

While depressing, it was a step up from 'my car was blown up by a homophobic seventeen year old'. "Sucks. I had a cat. When I got my first cellphone, I would send texts to my mom and say they were for him."

"What'd you name it?"

"Cuddles. He already had a name when I got him from the pound and I didn't feel like changing it. He's the fattest cat I've ever seen in my life. No matter how much we put him on a diet, he never really lost any weight. I loved that cat."

"What happened to him?"

"Nothing. He still lives with my parents. My apartment building doesn't allow pets except for fish and hamsters." Oddly specific as the restriction was, Naruto supposed he understood where the landlord was coming from.

"What's Sasuke up to?"

"Not much. School and stuff. I guess he feels at least somewhat guilty about Sasori getting shot because he brings him lunch every day."

Gaara snorted. "I don't know what they're doing together, but I highly doubt it's lunch."

"Great, now I'm going to be thinking about that the next time I see him. Thanks a lot." Naruto piled a heap of wings onto his plate and began to strip the flesh from their bones with his teeth. "What're you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Visiting family."

"How far away do they live?"

"Just a couple hours'… drive."

Now he felt like an asshole for reminding him of the car situation. He pressed on further, figuring that sooner or later they would find a topic that both could enjoy. "Are you going to stay the weekend?"

"I'll probably stay the night and come back the next morning."

"That's cool. I'm going to see my parents. Taking the train."

Gaara went quiet for a few seconds, shredding mozzarella sticks without mercy. "I just don't understand why he would do this. I know he hates me and all, but I'd rather he just kept telling me that he hated me instead of destroying my car."

"Sometimes stupid stuff just happens and we have to deal with it. You'll get a new car soon and it'll be even better than the Beetle."

"Thanks."

There were still a few unanswered questions based on what had happened earlier. "So… What's the deal with that prison chef guy?"

"He's a good sous chef and he doesn't bother anyone, but he's still weird. It's hard to know what'll set him off. He'll be turning forty in February. The staff is trying to decide whether or not we should throw him a party. It's hard to ignore felonies."

"Is he one of those guys that got married in prison to some lonely woman?" Prison marriage was fascinating. What was the point of being hitched to someone who was incarcerated? They were locked up for a reason.

"Don't think so. There is a girl who comes to see him a lot. Seventeen at the most."

That wasn't suspicious at all. "Eesh. Maybe she's his daughter."  
"She's adamant she's not." Gaara had spoken to her on a few occasions and made the mistake of asking if she was Pein's daughter. "Extremely, as a matter of fact."  
"So he's a pedo too?"

"I don't know. I would think his parole officer would be keeping an eye on criminal behavior."

"So… Seen any good movies lately?"

I0I0I0I0I

"—and so I never figured out how the dildo got stuck in my ceiling."

Gaara was once more thankful that he had decided to give up drinking.

"Do you usually party like a frat boy?"

"No. Wait, yes. Maybe? All I know is that Mom was mad that there was a hole in the ceiling and Grandma almost had an aneurysm when she found Michiru and four guys passed out in the shower."

"These are the stories you'll share with your children. I feel worried."

Finally he was glad to see that some vital degree of ease had returned between the two of them. "I'm not gonna tell 'em this stuff. Not until they're old enough to hear it, I mean."

Gaara parked his rental in front of Naruto's apartment and gave a slight smile. "Thanks for helping me get my mind off my problems for a while."

"My pleasure." In a completely and utterly platonic way, contrary to whatever stupid things Sasuke thought. He unbuckled his seatbelt and rested his hand on the door. "I'm… glad you're not hurt."

"Thanks."

Naruto curled up his free hand to prevent himself from doing something stupid, like giving him one of those awkward car-hugs that never really worked out due to space constraints and would probably last longer than was socially appropriate. "Since I probably won't see you while we're on holiday… Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving."

I0I0I0I0I

They at the near end of the two hour journey to his father's house, which had been dubbed the official meeting place for any and all Thanksgivings in his family. Gaara's first and foremost thought was that he hoped he still had a home to return to when Sunday morning rolled around. Apparently Sasori wasn't intending on seeing his own immediate family after pressing Gaara to do so and would be holding down the fort on his own. In a way, it was sort of sad because Uncle Yashamaru and his wife had offered to pay for the ticket there and were willing to accommodate him for a week. According to his cousin's account, it would have been a very nice setup if he did not have his irrational and deep-seated fear of flying. Then again, Germany was a long ways away.

"I'm underdressed, aren't I?" Killerbee fretted. This was the first time he was going to meet his boyfriend's family and he wanted them to like him desperately.

Gaara honked at a driver who abruptly transferred into his lane without signaling. "For the millionth time, no. Like I said, we'll be lucky if my brother even bothered to wear pants."

"How much longer until we're there?"

"Five minutes at the most."

They pulled into a typical suburban neighborhood, rolling slowly down the labyrinth of streets until they came to a two-story home painted a rich buttercream color and parked on the street, as the driveway was completely occupied by his siblings' cars. Taking a priming breath, Gaara turned off the rental and got out. They retrieved their duffle bags from the backseat and the potato salad that had been brought in case of inevitable cooking disaster á la Temari. If they had to eat bologna sandwiches for their big dinner again, they were going to have a delicious side to go with it.

The couple went to the front door and as Gaara raised his hand to press the doorbell, Killerbee abruptly said, "I forgot my hat in the car."

"You don't need a hat."

"I know, but I'd rather have it now instead of forgetting about it and leaving it in the rental and never seeing it again."

Gaara gave him the keys with a sigh and Killerbee traipsed back to the car as the buzzer blatted out their arrival. Temari was on the door almost instantly and invited Gaara in with a joyed squeal and a hug that he was fairly sure cracked a vertebra or two. "I can't believe you actually came!"

"Is the kitchen on fire yet?" Gaara stepped inside and pulled off his shoes.

"You wish. My skills have improved a lot since you last saw me." She noticed the bowl and said, "You can put that in the kitchen."

As Gaara was setting the potato salad in the fridge, he heard a knock at the door and Temari was quick to answer it as well. When Gaara followed her to the entryway, he saw Killerbee standing in the doorway and gave a brief wave. Killerbee smiled back nervously, looking much smaller and uncertain than he usually did.

"Did your car break down? I really hate when that happens. You can use our phone." Temari pointed in the direction of the nearest phone in the house. "So Gaara, you said you were bringing your boyfriend. Where is he?"

Gaara wished he could stick his head between the door and the frame and just slam the door on it until his brains were a pink, bloody mush on the stiles. Killerbee seemed at a complete loss of words. Damn this night to hell. It hadn't even been two minutes yet.

"That… Bee… He …" Gaara couldn't quite get the words out. "…he is my boyfriend."

Complete shock and horror painted itself over his sister's face.

"It's very nice to, uh, finally meet you." Killerbee opened the screen door and offered his hand to Temari who numbly shook it while trying to think of how to regain her composure. "Gaara told me a little about you. Temari, right?"

"Right… Nice to meet you too." Bless her heart, she was trying so hard. "Come in and make yourself at home. Gaara, can I have a word with you?"

Temari dragged him into the 'study' of the house that went unused more often than not and she contemplated her next words carefully, striving to not offend.

"Gaara, I want you to know that I am so glad that you decided to spend the holidays with us. I'm even happier that you brought someone you love to share it with you."

"But?"

Temari hesitated, biting on her lower lip. "There are just _certain things_ you need to tell us before you come over."

"Like what?" Gaara inquired flatly.

"Like that your boyfriend… well. You know." She made vague gestures with her hands that Gaara supposed were her way of trying to explain what she refused to say.

"No, I don't know. I think you should tell me so there's no uncertainty between us."

"Don't make me say it…" she pleaded.

"I think you should."

Teeth gritted, the words came out in a flurry. "Thathesblack."

"Didn't quite catch that."

"That he's black." Temari looked deeply distressed. "You didn't give us any time to prepare for it."

"To prepare what? Do you feel like you have to talk differently to him because—"

"Gaara, you and I both know that I'm not racist. But I don't know how to talk to them. Look at where we live! There was _one_ black kid in my class when I went to high school and his family moved away after freshman year!" Temari hissed, tossing a wary look over her shoulder.

"I guess it would be a bad time to mention that he's also Muslim."

"What? But I made a turkey _and_ a ham! Is he going to be offended?"

Before Gaara could answer that, he heard his brother shout, "Dad, call the police! Some guy broke into the house!"

Annoyance was overwhelmed by the desire to walk to next door, ask the proud NRA member who had been living there for twenty years to borrow a shotgun, and end this misery.

The siblings called a halt to their 'talk' and booked it to the kitchen, where Killerbee was standing with his arms up as Kankuro gave him the stare of a man desperately outmatched in size and strength, armed with only a carving fork.

"Kankuro! It's okay, he's my boyfriend!" Raising his voice to address his unseen father, he continued, "Dad, don't call the police!"

"What?" Kankuro stared at the imposing figure before him, then at Gaara, trying to make this equation make sense. Obviously he was either failing miserably or attempting to image something that only intensified Gaara's newfound desire to off himself in increasingly violent ways. For a split second, Kankuro's eyes went to Killerbee's groin and then darted back to Gaara. Yep, it was the latter. "If… you say so."

"Well…" Killerbee cleared his throat. "This was an… interesting start to the evening."

"Sorry about that whole thing just now." Kankuro set the carving fork down on the counter. "I'm Kankuro. It's nice to meet you."

"I'm," Killerbee looked pained to be saying this. "Rashid."

"So, did you watch that game last week?"

"Sorry, I don't watch much football." Killerbee seemed to relax somewhat and so did Gaara.

"Right, right. You're obviously a basketball man."

There was still probably enough room in that oven if Gaara moved the turkey to the left a bit…

Killerbee took it in stride. "I must confess, I'm not big on sports."

"Oh. Okay." Kankuro performed a near-flawless recovery. "Dinner is almost ready. We won't have to wait much longer. You can hang out in the living room until then."

Gaara sincerely prayed that this evening would not get worse.

Football was on TV and Kankuro resumed his previous place on the couch next to the man of the house. Gaara met eyes with his father and rubbed his arm nervously. "Hey Dad."

All the man did was look up from the manic crowd on TV as the rival team celebrated a touchdown and said, "So you're still gay?"

"Yes."

"Alright." He seemed resigned to this. "When are you going to join the Army? You don't have to tell them you're a faggot, you know."

What an inconvenient time for this to have been brought up. "Dad, I don't want to join the Army anymore. I told you that years ago."

The man sighed with a measure of disappointment and looked up at the stranger his son was so involved with. "Are you in the Army?"

"I'm Rashid." Killerbee only winced slightly when he said his given name this time. "And no, I'm not."

"You should be. Do you want a beer?"

"No thanks."

The couple guided themselves to the loveseat sitting perpendicular to the couch and exchanged a short look. For the most part, the next twenty minutes were spent staring at the television in silence peppered by noisy displeasure or roars of triumph depending on what was transpiring upon the field. The awkwardness was alleviated when Temari announced the meal was ready and they joined at the table.

As they piled their plates high, Kankuro thought to kick things off by asking the guest, "No ham? We swear it's not poison. Well, it might be since it was Temari's cooking—"

"Hey!" Temari playfully socked her brother in the shoulder.

Killerbee smiled, feeling a greater sense of ease. Though he supposed that he should get at least some meat on his plate. He transferred a few pieces of turkey to his plate. "I don't eat pork."

"You're not a vegetarian, I see. Unless you're one of the ones who have those weird exceptions for certain things."

"No, I'm Muslim."

"Oh." Kankuro paused, mulling over this new information. "Are you guys in a serious relationship?"

"Yes." Gaara didn't see the point of this.

"I'll put a good word in for you at the Department."

"Kankuro…" Temari growled. "If this is what I think it is—"

"What? It's part of my duty—"

Wanting no bullshittery at his table, Dad set the record straight. "Kankuro works for the government. Everyone he's related to gets a background check. Since you're with my son, the spooks will be looking you up to make sure you're not a terrorist."

"We prefer the term 'security risk.'"

Temari kicked him under the table. "You're not helping."

"These potatoes are delicious, Temari." Dad ate another spoonful.

Gaara felt astoundingly grateful at the topic change, unsubtle as it may have been. Forging on, he asked, "Whatever happened to that guy you were dating, Temari?"

She scoffed at the memory of her former boyfriend. "He was a complete tool. Actually, he made me realize that I've been wasting too much time trying to find 'the one'. I'm in the prime of my life. I want to enjoy myself, not desperately throw myself into a search for the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."

"Are you going to become a lesbian?"

"No, Dad."

"Good." He speared a triad of helpless green beans. "This family already reached its gay quota. I would like _some_ grandchildren to look forward to when I'm decrepit and senile."

Kankuro felt rather left out. "You're forgetting me, Dad."

"Son, if you get married, I will eat my hat. If, by some unholy miracle, you produce hellspawn, I'll clean every pair of underwear I own with my tongue."

"Nice to know you think so highly of me," Kankuro muttered dejectedly.

"I do think highly of you. You're very good at what you do. You're still crap with women."

"I'm not _that_ bad," Kankuro retorted defensively.

"Think about it. Gaara has dated more women that you have and he's a fag."

"Shut up, Dad." Kankuro prodded at his turkey.

"It hurts because it's true."

Gaara snorted. Dad was in rare form today. "Hey, maybe there's someone out there for him. Some lonely software engineer spends her days creating programs, waiting for some robot-designing hunk to sweep her off her feet."

"You'll whisper lines of code into her ear…" Temari loved digging on Kankuro as much as the rest of her family.

"You'll make her jewelry out of old circuit boards…" Killerbee suggested, getting in on the fun.

"And you'll ask her out in Klingon." Gaara snickered. "Do you still have that dictionary of yours?"

"tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'?" inquired Killerbee.

"HISlaH."

"bInep."

"Hab SoSII' Quch," retorted Kankuro.

"tlhIngan maH!"

And the two shared a special moment that not a single person sitting around them could understand in the slightest.

"Both of you are giant nerds. Bee, you should be dating him, not me."

"I'm not a queer, dammit!" Kankuro flushed. Quickly he calmed himself and said, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"If only everyone could see it that way."

"There're worse things in the world, far as I'm concerned. I saw a hell of a lot of things in 'Nam and grown men kissing each other ran pretty damn low on the grand scale."

There was a weird warmth in the pit of Gaara's belly when he heard his father say that.

I0I0I0I0I

The room looked the same as it had when he'd left home. Renovations used to be her passion, but it had tapered off over the years. She had taught him how to paint walls as soon as he could hold a brush. Like her verve, the paint in this room had faded from a vivid blue to a pallid shadow of its former self. Too much sunlight did that to even the best paints. Whenever that happened, make it fresh and new with another paintjob. That was her way of life. Nothing was ever stagnant. Each day held their own adventures and the mundane lives of his classmates had always seemed unbearable. But he supposed that he'd stopped living that way when he moved out. Day to day life had gotten boring lately, now that he stopped to really think about it.

She looked up from her book and smiled at him.

Naruto smiled back.

"Hi Mom."

I0I0I0I0I

The clock in the living room ticked faintly. Gaara rolled over, unable to find sleep. Part of it was because this bed was absolutely tiny and didn't need to be accommodating two people. The other part was uncertainty. Where it stemmed from was unknown. His family seemed to like Killerbee, so he was sure it wasn't that.

"Can't sleep?" inquired the man laying beside him.

"Not really."

"Neither can I. I should have taken your sister's offer to sleep on the pull-out couch. What about you?"

"Thinking about things." Problem was, he wasn't sure what things he was supposed to be thinking about.

"Want to play a game?"

"If it involves anything with more than a PG rating, then no."

Killerbee laughed softly. "I promise to keep it tame. I'll ask a question and then you ask a question."

Better than wondering what was bothering him. "Go ahead."

"Do you love me?"

"Do you need to ask?"

"I just like checking once in a while and making sure you haven't decided to give your heart to Zetsu or that guy who works in the produce section at the grocery store."

"The skinny one with the terrible beard? Not a chance in hell."

Killerbee thought of his next question. "Would you say you're the type of person who gets many enemies?"

"Other than some homophobes once in a while, no." The sight of his flaming car was still fresh in his mind. "How do you feel about my family?"

"Better than mine." Killerbee thought back to the delightful rendezvous with his father that had ended up in a screaming match in the street. "How many boyfriends did you have before me?"

"I don't like talking about past relationships." Killerbee didn't have a response to that. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize. I'll change my question. How did you and Naruto meet?"

Gaara felt himself going pale. He hoped Killerbee didn't notice. "It was a meeting… through mutual friends. Why?"

"I was just thinking. You two don't seem like you would run in the same circles."

For the moment he seemed satisfied with that response. "I suppose not. We don't share many of the same interests, now that I think about it. How did you and Zetsu meet?"

"He had an ad out for a roommate. I happened to answer it. Are you getting sleepy yet?"

"A bit. We can do a few more questions if you want." Lies. Filthy, dirty lies. Sleeping would be especially difficult tonight. What if, by some freak incident, Killerbee had found Broke Straight Guys? Each outcome he could think of ended with the giant boot of God stomping all over their relationship until it was an unrecognizable splatter of sinfully delicious sodomy and sorrow.

"Your turn, then."

They had to change the topic to something completely different. No way was he going to jeopardize his happiness by dwelling on blotches on his history—no matter how pleasurable it had been at the time. "What do you think about the prison system?"

"The prison system? That's a heck of a question for a game that's supposed to soothe our minds. I'll keep my answer short and say that it's flawed, but necessary at best and desperately needs a complete overhaul at worst. Are you worried about your cousin again?"

"Yeah." Grasping for the next topic, he latched on to the first thing that surfaced in his brain. "Have you ever been stargazing?"

"No. I'd like to, though. You can't see the stars very well around here." Another unsettling pause. "How important do you think honesty is in relationships?"

"It's the most important thing." Honesty was important to him. However, it wasn't important enough for him to risk screwing up the one truly good relationship he'd had in years. "Are you feeling okay, Bee?"

"I'm fine." Killerbee turned away from him. "I think I'm done playing now."

"I think I am too."

Somehow, he didn't think that Killerbee was as fine as he claimed to be.

0o0

Well, there's that.

**HEY THIS IS SOMETHING INTERESTING AND IMPORTANT:** To celebrate the imminent encroaching of the 450 comment mark, I was thinking about writing a oneshot (no, not another side story) related to BSG. The idea is that the readers ask questions to the characters and get a response to them accordingly. You can ask pretty much anything as long as it doesn't result in spoilers. And yes, I do mean _anything_. Start asking questions ASAP so I can get started on it while I'm planning out what's going on next. It'll be something to tide you over, especially since a bunch of shit will be going down within the next two or three chapters and I'm trying to get everything put together. If you want to read the Q&A story, keep an eye peeled for it or just Author Alert me if you're not already.

Another chapter down, god only knows how many more to go.

Until next time…

~YamiTenshi~


	17. Important shit and stuff

**IMPORTANT SHIT AND STUFF**

So this is just a really quick thing to let you know.

Once again I'm doing a fire-sale clearance of my fics and this time it will be a big one. Mostly it's just stuff I don't have the inspiration to write for anymore or things I just plain don't like for one reason or another. I've improved quite a lot as a writer during my time here and I want my gallery to reflect that. Also, there's just too much bad shit on here.

However, unlike the previous couple of times I've cleared things out (and I thought I'd done it really discreetly too until people started coming around asking where such and such story went) I'm actually letting you guys know this time. Not so you can go 'nooo, why would you do that' or whatever, but so you can save yourself a copy of the stories as they are at this point and time. One of the _other_ reasons a couple things are going down is so I can rewrite them and make them better and everything will be cool and stuff. However, this notice is a privilege and not a right. Distribution of stories elsewhere is an outright no-no. This notice is for individuals who want to reread these stories at their own leisure, not a 'save the endangered stories' endeavor.

So without further ado, here's the chopping block:

**After Party**

**Kitsune no Kyuubi, Naruto no Kitsune**

**White Magus, Black Devout**

**Lick the Red, Suck the White**

**Dogsitting Blues**

**Love is…**

**Flowers for the Bear**

**Orange Lilies**

**Kirin**

**Disturbed Daisies**

**Tickle Me Purple**

**Kiss Me, Santa**

**Boughs of Holly**

**Black Flags, Blue Skies**

**Vanquishing the Dragon**

**Stealing the Charm**

**Nibai Akuma Kokoro**

**Mein Monster**

**Ruger Luminist (You're kinda SOL on this one, though.)**

**Broke Straight Guys**

So yes. All of the previously mentioned fics will be completely gone by the start of February, which I think is a pretty generous time window. Originally I was aiming for the 15th, but that was when I was planning on posting it a week or two ago. This way it's less like a shitty Christmas present and more like a 'this is happening now okay'.

All hope is not lost, the love is not over, and the sun will come out tomorrow. Better, newer, stronger fics will be posted. I've been slowly but steadily working on my commission/gift fics, so that's something to look forward to. Plus I've got newer stories/anthologies (30 Fruits, Samaritan, B&I, Lessons) that I intend to complete. You know how really awful it feels to have been writing here for six years and only ever completing ONE MULTICHAPTER STORY (well, only one I can remember). IT'S REALLY TERRIBLE. So I intend to sharpen my focus and work on my discipline a little and get back to biweekly updates (at the least) and possibly weekly updates (!) and make cool stuff and stuff.


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